Not so nice "support"

245

Replies

  • shamcd
    shamcd Posts: 178 Member
    Honey, I can relate. My husband has just very recently said some hurtful things to me since I've decided to take control of my body. It started out as an agreement between the two of us that we were going to do this together and support each other. He quit, I didn't.

    I can almost guarantee you that he's worried that you're going to move on without him. You've gotten healthy, I'm sure you've gained tons of confidence, and you're beautiful. What has he done? Likely, not nearly as much as you and that can be intimidating. He probably did not mean to be so awful, and if he did, move on. You know your husband better than anyone, you know if he's genuine or not. If he's just being a temporary jerk, then talk about it on neutral ground. If this is how he's become full-time, then harness that anger, take it to the gym, and improve yourself even more.
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,633 Member
    bstetson1 wrote: »
    I lost FIFTY pounds and recently gained about five back. I have stopped logging calories but remain mindful of my eating and continue to workout (cardio and weight lifting) five days a week. I feel like the gain is likely muscle and TOM this week. I have been at maintenance since October. 5'4" and 134 lbs

    Tonight my husband has made some mean spirited comments and I am about ready to explode. First he says my arm muscles are big but were more cut before. Later he said something about how my but looked larger when my middle was smaller and more defined. Apparently my but is old and flat. Even later, I went to the cabinet to make a bean burrito with non fat refried beans, wheat tortilla and low fat cheese for dinner and he said he can't believe that those even made it home. After that, I left the house and cried. I had no idea what to do so I headed for the gym for another thirty minutes of cardio.

    I admit that I have been encouraging my skinny fat guy to work out with me and eat better but nothing as mean as this. I am about his health he seems to be focusing on my fat.

    What gives, I am working so hard and I am actually to the point of anger over the negative comments right now.

    ((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))

    i get it, my husband says mean things on occasion (though he doesnt usually MEAN them that way, sometimes it is just how i take it- cultural differences and all LOL )

    He does sound insecure. thats a him problem, not a you problem (i know, hard to handle when hes taking it out on you). keep doing what youre doing.

    boys are stooopid
  • asdowe13
    asdowe13 Posts: 1,955 Member
    shamcd wrote: »
    Honey, I can relate. My husband has just very recently said some hurtful things to me since I've decided to take control of my body. It started out as an agreement between the two of us that we were going to do this together and support each other. He quit, I didn't.

    I can almost guarantee you that he's worried that you're going to move on without him. You've gotten healthy, I'm sure you've gained tons of confidence, and you're beautiful. What has he done? Likely, not nearly as much as you and that can be intimidating. He probably did not mean to be so awful, and if he did, move on. You know your husband better than anyone, you know if he's genuine or not. If he's just being a temporary jerk, then talk about it on neutral ground. If this is how he's become full-time, then harness that anger, take it to the gym, and improve yourself even more.

    How can you possibly know any of this?

    She needs to take this conversation to him. Not us!
  • Just sounds like he may be getting a little insecure
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 7,513 Member
    I'm sure you B) know this, but he probably wasn't even mad at you. He picked a fight knowing where you are most vunerable--it worked. He got you to cry and then he feels better. Strange, but my fights with my husband go this way too. After you've been married for awhile you know just what buttons to push to start a fight. After awhile my husband is sorry and apologizes. I know he really loves me, but marriage is not always easy. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try to discuss it calmly. Try to find out what the real problem is. Best.
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,361 Member
    When we improve - people around us think (and feel) about themselves (what about me, who am I with the new you etc) I would do just as you did...hit the gym. I would also ask my mate if he had something he wanted to discuss with me and to please keep his sarcastic comments to himself. (if he has nothing good to say...say nothing) To you big hugs and keep up the great work, you look fantastic!
  • CObluegrass
    CObluegrass Posts: 61 Member
    be open and honest with him about the type of support you need from him. Maybe he's noticed the weight gain/struggle and your lack of calorie counting and thinks he's being helpful. Running off and crying will only confuse him. Communicate. With words. With him.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,474 Member
    edited March 2015
    There are three sides to every story...
  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,151 Member
    I would introduce him to the couch! Actually, the retorts I have right now aren't made for a public forum, so the couch!
  • TracyV125
    TracyV125 Posts: 100 Member
    You look fabulous! Congrats on your weight loss and maintenance!

    I think you need to have a conversation with your hubby when you're feeling calm. Let him know that he hurt your feelings. My guess is he didn't realize he hurt you.

    I've learned from past experience to never assume someone knows how you feel. Tell them.

    Good for you though taking your frustration to the gym. It's the best therapy!
  • shamcd
    shamcd Posts: 178 Member
    adowe wrote: »
    shamcd wrote: »
    Honey, I can relate. My husband has just very recently said some hurtful things to me since I've decided to take control of my body. It started out as an agreement between the two of us that we were going to do this together and support each other. He quit, I didn't.

    I can almost guarantee you that he's worried that you're going to move on without him. You've gotten healthy, I'm sure you've gained tons of confidence, and you're beautiful. What has he done? Likely, not nearly as much as you and that can be intimidating. He probably did not mean to be so awful, and if he did, move on. You know your husband better than anyone, you know if he's genuine or not. If he's just being a temporary jerk, then talk about it on neutral ground. If this is how he's become full-time, then harness that anger, take it to the gym, and improve yourself even more.

    How can you possibly know any of this?

    She needs to take this conversation to him. Not us!

    No need to be a turd about this, I'm just giving my perspective. Lighten up.
  • healthy_life2015
    healthy_life2015 Posts: 215 Member
    I feel for you!!!! I completely understand why you are upset.

    I think maybe you and your husband have just established a dynamic that doesn't work for you. This is something that my boyfriend and I have had to work on. He is my biggest supporter and the only non-MFP person who hears about every pound and every frustration and all that. He frequently makes comments about how I look thinner here and how I am working hard. That's the easy part, but what about when I slip up? We have had multiple conversations where I tell him what I want from him and what I don't, and we've had to redefine that. I want his support and encouragement, but I don't want a kick in the pants. If I slip a bit, I don't want him judging me. Think about it this way - has your husband ever done something that undermined his ability to achieve his goals? How did you feel? Doesn't have to be a big thing that totally derails him, but even a small thing may make you sad and worried because you want him to succeed! I have learned the way to overcome this is by trusting him and have asked him to do the same with my weight loss.

    I can see why he made the comments he did. Yes, they were mean, but he may just not know what to say. It's not okay, but it is truly fixable. It sounds like you both are supporting each other. I think you need to talk through what that looks like to both of you. It may be what you need and what he needs are very different things.
  • rayneface
    rayneface Posts: 219 Member
    why not start with telling him how his comments made you feel? If he doesn't know how he hurt you, you can't expect him to apologize or act differently in the future.
  • juleszephyr
    juleszephyr Posts: 442 Member
    I think you need to talk to him about how those comments made you feel and ask why he would say things like that...
    FYI I lost 118lbs six years ago and my now Ex-husband just couldn't cope with the new me. He felt insecure and became paranoid that I was having an affair. None of this was true I just wanted to be fit and healthy for our two young boys.
    I am sure you won't end up where I did but the change to you will be having a major effect on the established dynamic of your relationship and that can be hard on partners who were happy with the way things were before.
    Talk, talk, talk...
  • tmauck4472
    tmauck4472 Posts: 1,783 Member
    Stop encouraging him to better himself and work on you. Let him be how he wants to be. He will see it one day or he won't. Do what you do and let him do what he does. In all the years I was obese and my husband was not very nice, it made me try for about a week and once even a few months but I never stuck with it because it was for him not me. This time it's for me and 3 years later I'm still trying to get the weight off and trying to be a better me. He has to want to be better for him first and you second.
    Tell him how you feel and how his words hurt you but be prepared to get the same thing back.
  • ferniejoy
    ferniejoy Posts: 61 Member
    I disagree with the person who said, "sorry you let him make you feel this way." Is he very focused on your appearance and not on his own? Has he had a habit of love- bombing and then withdrawing affection? Has he always been an *kitten*, or is this something new? Sometimes strangers are able to give you more support than friends who are deceived.
    -
  • tuckerrj
    tuckerrj Posts: 1,453 Member
    Liftng4Lis wrote: »
    I would introduce him to the couch! Actually, the retorts I have right now aren't made for a public forum, so the couch!

    Uh, no. He's not a child to be sent off for a time out. In 35 years of successful marriage, this hasn't happened. If you don't want to share a bed with him, YOU go sleep on the couch. Better yet, behave like an adult and tell him, "What you said hurt me. Why exactly did you say that?.... etc."
  • He is jealous.....you need to show him he has no reason to be jealous.....men get scared when their women start looking attractive to other men.
  • sgthaggard
    sgthaggard Posts: 581 Member
    That would make me stabby.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,236 Member
    edited March 2015
    He's your hubby and you married him so surely you know what he's like. He knows he get to you this way, which he has managed to do. His reasons are his own. People sometimes do things for a reason and sometimes because they can. Talk to him, he might even tell you the truth, but as you look great then use your head and recognise hes speaking a load of rubbish.

    Stop nagging him and perhaps he will leave you alone.