Not so nice "support"
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snowflake954 wrote: »I'm sure you
know this, but he probably wasn't even mad at you. He picked a fight knowing where you are most vunerable--it worked. He got you to cry and then he feels better. Strange, but my fights with my husband go this way too. After you've been married for awhile you know just what buttons to push to start a fight. After awhile my husband is sorry and apologizes. I know he really loves me, but marriage is not always easy. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try to discuss it calmly. Try to find out what the real problem is. Best.
This^^^^! After 34 years of marriage I get this exactly. Who knows where his comments were coming from. He likely doesn't even know. I'd let him know he hurt your feelings but don't beat it to death. Unless it continues daily or is an ongoing problem, it might not even be anything worth serious worry. Sometimes we pick a fight or take something out on our spouse because it is a "safe" target. He knows you love him, he's had a bad day and he pushed your buttons. Why does this make us feel better?? Who knows.
Also, have you asked him for feedback on your body/figure/shape, etc? Maybe he thinks you want to know his opinion? One time I really over-ate at a family dinner. I told my hubby "don't ever let me do that again"! Just a passing comment because I was over-stuffed and felt terrible. He took that as a request/permission to analyze everything I was putting in my mouth for the next few weeks and it started to make me really mad. "Are you going to eat that WHOLE sandwich?" Finally, I had to ask him to stop because I didn't really need or want that scrutiny. Be careful what you ask for! LOL
Good luck sweetie - you do look amazing!0 -
Be ready to respond in the moment. He needs to get feedback/consequences (which is what they are, even though he's not a child, we all face them) re: his actions.
"Why would you say that to your wife?"
"That doesn't seem like a very kind thing to say."
"Well, my body changes all the time, but I'm still the same woman you married inside. Why are you being so critical?"
"What an odd thing to say to me."
Put the ball back in his court. Don't get upset, don't emote, just calmly put him in the position of having to explain his comments. Calm observations that keep him accountable for the words he has chosen to say....they may draw out what's "really" bothering him, or he may be quite embarrassed by his own behavior and give you the apology you deserve. By remaining calm, it's all on him to do the talking and explaining.
or option D - divorce and take half.
It's actually crazy how many more people end up with Option D because they "don't like conflict" and never say anything like the stuff I listed.
There is no such thing as conflict avoidance, in my experience. Only conflict delay and amplification.0 -
I'd have to confront him. I'd be like "well you're no fashion model yourself so what's up with the freaking attitude? Where are your manners, eh?" They seem to think we won't call them out on it. My ex husband told me I had a fat belly (because it wasn't concave) so I told him he had a fat head and a big mouth to go with it.
I'm wondering if husband actually took this approach with OP! If she has been too pushy about getting him to be healthy, it could be rubbing him the wrong way, and so he is saying "hey you're no fashion model, work on yourself before criticizing my lifestyle"0 -
I lost FIFTY pounds and recently gained about five back. I have stopped logging calories but remain mindful of my eating and continue to workout (cardio and weight lifting) five days a week. I feel like the gain is likely muscle and TOM this week. I have been at maintenance since October. 5'4" and 134 lbs
Tonight my husband has made some mean spirited comments and I am about ready to explode. First he says my arm muscles are big but were more cut before. Later he said something about how my but looked larger when my middle was smaller and more defined. Apparently my but is old and flat. Even later, I went to the cabinet to make a bean burrito with non fat refried beans, wheat tortilla and low fat cheese for dinner and he said he can't believe that those even made it home. After that, I left the house and cried. I had no idea what to do so I headed for the gym for another thirty minutes of cardio.
I admit that I have been encouraging my skinny fat guy to work out with me and eat better but nothing as mean as this. I am about his health he seems to be focusing on my fat.
What gives, I am working so hard and I am actually to the point of anger over the negative comments right now.
Stop "helping" each other. No one comments on anyone's bodies anymore, everyone's free to be skinny fat or have whatever shaped butt or do cardio or not do cardio.
But yeah, he did say some dooshy things, and I'd be mad too.0 -
Be ready to respond in the moment. He needs to get feedback/consequences (which is what they are, even though he's not a child, we all face them) re: his actions.
"Why would you say that to your wife?"
"That doesn't seem like a very kind thing to say."
"Well, my body changes all the time, but I'm still the same woman you married inside. Why are you being so critical?"
"What an odd thing to say to me."
Put the ball back in his court. Don't get upset, don't emote, just calmly put him in the position of having to explain his comments. Calm observations that keep him accountable for the words he has chosen to say....they may draw out what's "really" bothering him, or he may be quite embarrassed by his own behavior and give you the apology you deserve. By remaining calm, it's all on him to do the talking and explaining.
or option D - divorce and take half.
It's actually crazy how many more people end up with Option D because they "don't like conflict" and never say anything like the stuff I listed.
There is no such thing as conflict avoidance, in my experience. Only conflict delay and amplification.
she is being sabotaged…divorce is simplest option and she gets half…..that is a win-win0 -
I lost FIFTY pounds and recently gained about five back. I have stopped logging calories but remain mindful of my eating and continue to workout (cardio and weight lifting) five days a week. I feel like the gain is likely muscle and TOM this week. I have been at maintenance since October. 5'4" and 134 lbs
Tonight my husband has made some mean spirited comments and I am about ready to explode. First he says my arm muscles are big but were more cut before. Later he said something about how my but looked larger when my middle was smaller and more defined. Apparently my but is old and flat. Even later, I went to the cabinet to make a bean burrito with non fat refried beans, wheat tortilla and low fat cheese for dinner and he said he can't believe that those even made it home. After that, I left the house and cried. I had no idea what to do so I headed for the gym for another thirty minutes of cardio.
I admit that I have been encouraging my skinny fat guy to work out with me and eat better but nothing as mean as this. I am about his health he seems to be focusing on my fat.
What gives, I am working so hard and I am actually to the point of anger over the negative comments right now.
Impossible to know his motivation, since none of us know him. And I do agree with the others that your best recourse is to communicate with your husband, not us. But I want to point out about the bold-- he may not see any distinction. He could be trying to motivate you in the way that he would want to be motivated (I wouldn't respond to it either, but some do) or he may feel the same way about your "encouragement" that you felt about his comments on your figure.
Either way, the two of you need to talk it out when you're both calm. I definitely would not jump on the "he's just jealous" or "he's afraid you'll leave him" bandwagon just yet. I know those are very popular responses but I think most people are more complicated than that. The fact that you have already lost the weight and have been maintaining since October without him making these kinds of comments seems to me to suggest something else going on.0 -
Your partner should not talk to you like that. Even if you gained all the weight back. It's nothing to do with how you look and what you're doing. It is extremely disrespectful to belittle partners in this way. This is something you need to work out with him. Don't think, "If only i was thinner, he wouldn't say these things." It isn't true. He probably would. But then again, I don't know him. Start by telling him, when you aren't fighting, that it really hurts you when he makes those comments and that you'd appreciate it if he could stick to more supportive, positive reinforcement (give examples). If he isn't willing to do that, you've got a bigger problem and I'd recommend seeking couples counseling. I'm amazed at how many people are saying this is okay, and that this is normal. Partners should not tear each other down. If I said something to my partner and he become extremely upset and hurt, I would apologize and never say it again.0
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I lost FIFTY pounds and recently gained about five back. I have stopped logging calories but remain mindful of my eating and continue to workout (cardio and weight lifting) five days a week. I feel like the gain is likely muscle and TOM this week. I have been at maintenance since October. 5'4" and 134 lbs
Tonight my husband has made some mean spirited comments and I am about ready to explode. First he says my arm muscles are big but were more cut before. Later he said something about how my but looked larger when my middle was smaller and more defined. Apparently my but is old and flat. Even later, I went to the cabinet to make a bean burrito with non fat refried beans, wheat tortilla and low fat cheese for dinner and he said he can't believe that those even made it home. After that, I left the house and cried. I had no idea what to do so I headed for the gym for another thirty minutes of cardio.
I admit that I have been encouraging my skinny fat guy to work out with me and eat better but nothing as mean as this. I am about his health he seems to be focusing on my fat.
What gives, I am working so hard and I am actually to the point of anger over the negative comments right now.
Okay now, lets back this up a little bit. We're you already fighting and he came back with mean words or were you just sitting there and he decided to start picking on you? Are you prehaps taking this too much to heart? Have you been making off handed comments about how he looks? There's got to be more to the background story.
If my husband made those kinds of comments to me I'd say (and I really would say this to him) "Listen here f.u.c.k.e.r, I've worked my @$$ off to lose weight. I don't need your scarastic, unhelpful comments. Maybe I should I start making comments about your sorry body, since you're tyring to motivate me that way and all"
Luckily for me, my husband complements me about the weight I've lost and how I look. Yours should be greatful that you're making an effor to change.0 -
I used the D. Take Half option and then found myself a man who understands the concept of mutual respect. My hubby now would NEVER pinch my belly and say "fat" like my ex did (and I wasn't fat then, either).... nor would I do it to him. My ex thought he was better than me. Therefore I hope he enjoys being "better" all alone. Hubby now was a bit of a slow starter in the workout department because it was easier to let inertia take hold and play Skyrim after work, but considering that we always work out together and keep the boredom away, it has become an easy habit to continue and no way would we ever say ugly things about each other's bodies. We've both been through that nonsense with other people already. You would think married folks would primarily value each others' health; no one wants to watch their beloved spouse die of clogged arteries, diabetes, etc! Works better to compliment each other and provide motivation. I'm still kind of bug-eyed over how much Phil can lift lol.
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I would say unless he plans on joining you in the wonderful journey of self discovery he can take his comments and shove it. Honestly, it's rude and if he isn't making any initiative to help himself then its probably easy for him to sit back and critique you. I'm not sure what you can do other than tell him that his comments are unhelpful and it makes him a bit hypocritical if he isn't making an effort to be healthy.0
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why not start with telling him how his comments made you feel? If he doesn't know how he hurt you, you can't expect him to apologize or act differently in the future.
Yep. His comments weren't nice, and it's unlikely that he really meant to hurt you, but they did. It will help you both in the future if you let him know that a particular comment made you feel badly.0 -
He could be trying to support you, the way you supported him to stop being skinny fat.
He could be trying to bring down your ego because you've been more successful than him.
He could be trying to put you down so that he won't lose you to a hotter partnet.
He could be making random observations based on an understanding that it's okay to talk about whatever.
His intent could be positive, negative, mixed, or benign. Unless you ask him and talk to him in a non-confrontational way about how his words made you feel, you'll never know.0 -
your husband sounds like a doofus. He probably doesn't even realize how mean he is being, some people think saying things like that are in good fun or just 'teasing' - you need to call him out on it0
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These comments from your husband are abusive - what he said was nasty and uncalled for, and he needs to treat you better. I'm so sorry that he is treating you like this. If you can, tell him he's wrong and that he needs to stop with the bullying.0
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Take his criticism as his poor attempt to help motivate you, and move past it. You look great and you know how hard you work!0
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These comments from your husband are abusive - what he said was nasty and uncalled for, and he needs to treat you better. I'm so sorry that he is treating you like this. If you can, tell him he's wrong and that he needs to stop with the bullying.
He said her arms were big but less cut.
He said her butt looked bugger when her waist was smaller.
Both of these statements are legitimate statements. She didn't say he called her names, or insulted her.
How are those abusive statements?
By that extension...if his statements were abusive... Then Her calling him skinny fat would also be such.
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He's an idiot, you are H.O.T. keep it up.0
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MireyGal76 wrote: »These comments from your husband are abusive - what he said was nasty and uncalled for, and he needs to treat you better. I'm so sorry that he is treating you like this. If you can, tell him he's wrong and that he needs to stop with the bullying.
He said her arms were big but less cut.
He said her butt looked bugger when her waist was smaller.
Both of these statements are legitimate statements. She didn't say he called her names, or insulted her.
How are those abusive statements?
By that extension...if his statements were abusive... Then Her calling him skinny fat would also be such.
By legitimate, I mean in terms of the fact that yes, a butt does look bigger when a waist is smaller, and yes... arms look bigger but less cut as body fat % increases.
Not knowing the OP, I do not know if these are accurate statements as they relate to her now, versus how she was before.0 -
MireyGal76 wrote: »MireyGal76 wrote: »These comments from your husband are abusive - what he said was nasty and uncalled for, and he needs to treat you better. I'm so sorry that he is treating you like this. If you can, tell him he's wrong and that he needs to stop with the bullying.
He said her arms were big but less cut.
He said her butt looked bugger when her waist was smaller.
Both of these statements are legitimate statements. She didn't say he called her names, or insulted her.
How are those abusive statements?
By that extension...if his statements were abusive... Then Her calling him skinny fat would also be such.
By legitimate, I mean in terms of the fact that yes, a butt does look bigger when a waist is smaller, and yes... arms look bigger but less cut as body fat % increases.
Not knowing the OP, I do not know if these are accurate statements as they relate to her now, versus how she was before.
He also made his nasty crack about food, 'can't even believe those made it home'....and if your partner is.reducing you to tears through nasty comments on things they know you're vulnerable.about, it *is* abusive.
I'm really horrified at some of the people commenting here about how 'oh it wasn't even about you, he was probably just mad at something and took it out on you since he knew you were vulnerable.' How toxic. It's not okay to make your partner feel bad about themselves and break them down emotionally, for any reason.
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MireyGal76 wrote: »MireyGal76 wrote: »These comments from your husband are abusive - what he said was nasty and uncalled for, and he needs to treat you better. I'm so sorry that he is treating you like this. If you can, tell him he's wrong and that he needs to stop with the bullying.
He said her arms were big but less cut.
He said her butt looked bugger when her waist was smaller.
Both of these statements are legitimate statements. She didn't say he called her names, or insulted her.
How are those abusive statements?
By that extension...if his statements were abusive... Then Her calling him skinny fat would also be such.
By legitimate, I mean in terms of the fact that yes, a butt does look bigger when a waist is smaller, and yes... arms look bigger but less cut as body fat % increases.
Not knowing the OP, I do not know if these are accurate statements as they relate to her now, versus how she was before.
He also made his nasty crack about food, 'can't even believe those made it home'....and if your partner is.reducing you to tears through nasty comments on things they know you're vulnerable.about, it *is* abusive.
I'm really horrified at some of the people commenting here about how 'oh it wasn't even about you, he was probably just mad at something and took it out on you since he knew you were vulnerable.' How toxic. It's not okay to make your partner feel bad about themselves and break them down emotionally, for any reason.
The truth of it is just that we don't know. None of us were there to hear his tone, and none of us know what previous exchanges they've had regarding his "skinny fatness" and diet. You have to remember that you're never getting the whole story with these threads. I think it's really premature to cry "abuse" immediately based on the OP.
Even if "can't believe those made it home" was intended to be nasty, which it does sound that way out of context like it is, that still doesn't necessarily make it abusive. I'm sure all of us have said things that weren't so nice and that we later regretted. Hurtful? Sure. Abuse? Not so fast, imo. It could be, if it really is part of an ongoing cycle of "breaking her down emotionally", but it could just as easily have just been a bad day, a misguided attempt at a playful jab, or part of an ongoing back and forth to which the OP contributed.0 -
If this upset you enough to leave the house and go to the gym for an hour, my guess is that he noticed he upset you and will (hopefully) apologize.
If this is a one time thing, it could just be he had a bad day and is taking it out on you. If this kind of thing happens all the time....well. You can't change anyone else's behavior. You can only change yourself.
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Talk to a marriage counselor. No one deserves to put up with that.0
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MireyGal76 wrote: »MireyGal76 wrote: »These comments from your husband are abusive - what he said was nasty and uncalled for, and he needs to treat you better. I'm so sorry that he is treating you like this. If you can, tell him he's wrong and that he needs to stop with the bullying.
He said her arms were big but less cut.
He said her butt looked bugger when her waist was smaller.
Both of these statements are legitimate statements. She didn't say he called her names, or insulted her.
How are those abusive statements?
By that extension...if his statements were abusive... Then Her calling him skinny fat would also be such.
By legitimate, I mean in terms of the fact that yes, a butt does look bigger when a waist is smaller, and yes... arms look bigger but less cut as body fat % increases.
Not knowing the OP, I do not know if these are accurate statements as they relate to her now, versus how she was before.
He also made his nasty crack about food, 'can't even believe those made it home'....and if your partner is.reducing you to tears through nasty comments on things they know you're vulnerable.about, it *is* abusive.
I'm really horrified at some of the people commenting here about how 'oh it wasn't even about you, he was probably just mad at something and took it out on you since he knew you were vulnerable.' How toxic. It's not okay to make your partner feel bad about themselves and break them down emotionally, for any reason.
Nobody said it was OK---some of us (that have been married a long time) said that's what it could be. People are the way they are. You have to figure them out if you want to live with them. If not, find the door. 0 -
Hmmm, OP has never been back to comment on the responses to her post - now I'm thinking we were trolled.0
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You have lost 47 pounds and he said that? Sounds like something my EX-husband would say!
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You have really worked hard and there is nothing he can say that can take away your success. He is probably feeling very insecure and unfortunately some people will harm your self esteem trying to feel better about themselves. I explain to my bootcamp friends all the time, when you make changes - even positive - it takes folks time to catch up and accept the "new" you. I don't believe they mean any harm really, it's just they have to deal with their own insecurities and lack of self esteem. I would really consider just telling him the truth, he hurt your feelings. Now the question is why? I would try to have a warm heart to heart.
- Congratulations and I wish you the best! Don't quit!
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Congrats on your loss!
Maybe your large loss is hard on him in some way? Maybe he feels insecure and scared that you might grow apart now that you are living a healthy lifestyle?0 -
I have so much room for improvement on this. But whenever i get really mad, I try to fill in these blanks: "When you X, I feel Y."
X=an action verb, as descriptive and fact based as possible, e.g. "intentionally deceive me," "share confidential information beind my back," "criticize my appearance"
Y=the emotion that gives rise to anger/frustration, e.g. "Hurt," "betrayed," "belittled," "unwanted"
X Can be difficult. Sometimes it is really hard to pinpoint what was so bad about it. I might realize a harmless remark triggered a harmful memory. I might be reacting to an older, deeper wound.
Y is hard, too. Anger is like the tip of an iceberg. There are always bigger more powerful emotions below the surface. We like to hide behind the anger.
The point is, in any relationship you care about, you have to let people know when they cross a boundary (X). When I look at my family(3 teenage girls), 90% of the time, no one was trying to hurt anyone; they were just oblivious to the consequences of their selfish actions/thoughtless comments. Letting the offender know creates the opportunity for remorse and a heartfelt apology. It's not a guarantee, of course, but the offender may not know, consciously, that he's crossed a line and how it feels to you unless you tell him.
Sorry for the book length post. You look great.0 -
Sounds like an a-hole from what I read. No reason to put your spouse down.
EDIT: It looks like you had been criticizing him as well.
It sounds like you 2 need to talk about an underlying issue. You don't think he is fit and calling him out probably hurts his feelings. If you feel it is important, I htink you should let him know.0 -
britishbroccoli wrote: »He could be trying to support you, the way you supported him to stop being skinny fat.
He could be trying to bring down your ego because you've been more successful than him.
He could be trying to put you down so that he won't lose you to a hotter partnet.
He could be making random observations based on an understanding that it's okay to talk about whatever.
His intent could be positive, negative, mixed, or benign. Unless you ask him and talk to him in a non-confrontational way about how his words made you feel, you'll never know.
This.
It's hard to really comment about her relationship by looking at a few random comments.
Talk to him.
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