For a Fat girl, I'm a fox! (apparently.)???
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Burt_Huttz wrote: »KrysKiss87 wrote: »I was slightly offended but still felt bad for him. He's a sweet guy I guess. I have a tendency to take things to heart more than I should, but for some reason it just really bugged me. Guess the opinion of a stranger who isn't my husband shouldn't matter that much, but I'm only human.
Are you of average height for a woman, or are you tall?
Are you taller than him?
Is it possible that he wasn't talking at all about your weight but just your size?
Which may in fact be . . . well, big?
Empirically, statistically, in any sense whether subjective, objective, or relative, just big?
Seems a bit more likely because I don't usually call women fat when I'm trying to get in their pants. I've never really seen that as a successful strategy in the past, and I wouldn't recommend it to other men. Other than MRAs & PUAs but they've got this stuff all figured out to the tenth decimal place, lets be honest. I sometimes wish I was a woman just so I could find a guy like that to sweep me off my feet.
Ouch! As someone who is tall (5'10") just want to say..telling a girl shes big because of her height really isnt much better. Tall, okay...I mean, not that I dont hear it 100x a day lol but big, still no bueno, regardless if a guy means a womans size or height.
A male friend once made a comment about seeing such a big woman carry such a little purse. I didnt even say anything I guess the expression on my face was enough that he quickly took it back and tried to explain what he meant...that usually you see women with huge purses, and I had the tiny one even though Im so tall...he tried to explain he didnt mean anything negative by it. I didnt mean to make him feel bad from whatever way I looked at him, but yeah, I suppose he didnt mean to make me feel bad for saying it. But he did...and I stopped carrying that purse for a long while because of his comment because now I felt like a big woman. He's also totally friend-zoned now.
I think if flirting with a woman, its best not to bring her age or weight or size etc into it. Just to play it safe!!0 -
I'm glad I'm not a guy or in the current market for a mate. The guy screwed up and instead of giving him the benefit of doubt, people assume he was trying to fat shame the lady. I honestly think if she would have gave a witty retort mentioning his size comment, he would have flushed red and been embarrassed. If in the future she hears him making size comments then yes, by all means take that to mean he prefers a more slender build as well as he has no couth regarding social commentary. Being a lab guy I can bet he is more of a intellect and perhaps not socially aware of how it came off. Poor guy, can't even get his foot in the door without someone wanted to gut him. I say this as someone who is married to a really introspective and reserved man. He would have never asked me out and I probably would have asked him out because he was way too hot for me. Thank God for match making Sister in laws.
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DearestWinter wrote: »I would find this irritating too, OP. To everyone defending him as being awkward and suffering from foot-in-mouth ... that may be true but that still doesn't excuse what he said. He might not actually be a jerk but he acted like one. Some people are happy to overlook that sort of thing but obviously OP is not one of those people and she shouldn't feel obligated to do so.
OMG what an over reaction. Go and stone him. Blow it out of all proportion. If he'd meant to insult her, then why ask her on a date? Bit counterproductive to his chances.
It just sounds as though he didnt quite think through what he was saying. Most of my friends would have just seen the funny side, taken it as a compliment and brushed it off.0 -
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DearestWinter wrote: »I would find this irritating too, OP. To everyone defending him as being awkward and suffering from foot-in-mouth ... that may be true but that still doesn't excuse what he said. He might not actually be a jerk but he acted like one. Some people are happy to overlook that sort of thing but obviously OP is not one of those people and she shouldn't feel obligated to do so.
OMG what an over reaction. Go and stone him. Blow it out of all proportion. If he'd meant to insult her, then why ask her on a date? Bit counterproductive to his chances.
It just sounds as though he didnt quite think through what he was saying. Most of my friends would have just seen the funny side, taken it as a compliment and brushed it off.
Tiger- uppercut!0 -
I think he was just socially awkward or nervous. He told you it took him a while to work up the nerve to talk to you...that seems to indicate he just put his foot in his mouth.
It was meant as a compliment, though I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I think you handled it perfectly.0 -
i have had men say these kind of things to me too OP "you would be so hot if you lost weight" and "well at least you have a gorgeous face"
it is baffling to me that he felt it necessary to add that in...like he was doing you a favor by asking you out so gross
I would of told him to eat *kitten* & choke to be honest
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It wasn't a complimentary compliment so don't feel guilty about feeling some type of way about it. It just means that he would ordinarily find someone like you unattractive, and is surprised that he doesn't in this case. If you were to date him, I'm sure there would be a lot more "socially awkward" comments coming your way, as he would constantly be in awe of the fact that he is open-minded enough to date a big girl, and able to look past your flaws to see the real you (your real face). Either that or secretly ashamed of himself and would take it out on you sometimes.
I feel the same way about people who say "you're pretty for a black girl" or "for a tall girl I think you're attractive". Keep your garbage compliment to yourself, please and thanks, and don't do me any favours.
Also - I don't understand people who take the position that nothing others say about you should affect you. If this is how you operate then that is honestly great - but please realize that you're really the special snowflake in this case, humans are social beings and are rightfully impacted by what other say and how others treat them. It's not wrong or weird, it's natural.0 -
It wasn't a complimentary compliment so don't feel guilty about feeling some type of way about it. It just means that he would ordinarily find someone like you unattractive, and is surprised that he doesn't in this case. If you were to date him, I'm sure there would be a lot more "socially awkward" comments coming your way, as he would constantly be in awe of the fact that he is open-minded enough to date a big girl, and able to look past your flaws to see the real you (your real face). Either that or secretly ashamed of himself and would take it out on you sometimes.
I feel the same way about people who say "you're pretty for a black girl" or "for a tall girl I think you're attractive". Keep your garbage compliment to yourself, please and thanks, and don't do me any favours.
^^^^^^^ YEP
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I feel the same way about people who say "you're pretty for a black girl" or "for a tall girl I think you're attractive". Keep your garbage compliment to yourself, please and thanks, and don't do me any favours.
You know what? You are so right, and I think you hit upon something with this here that I guess didnt strike me on a conscious level, but is incredibly true.
Every single time a guy has hit on me with some weird comment about my height (which I used to laugh off, because I hear it so much) the comments about my height never..ever stop. "I look so short next to you...maybe we dont dance...wed look awkward dont you think?" ...and my favorite... "do you have to wear heels tonight? Youre tall enough..."
Im immediately annoyed when a guy brings up my height in that off-hand "compliment" way and dont even bother anymore, because I know thats just the beginning. This is no different...
Its not a compliment, it doesnt feel good, its not flattering...and yeah, totally not going to say its okay to make a woman feel like she should just accept it because doesnt know any better, its not his fault cause hes awkward, at least he got up the nerve to say something..etc etc. Ive had guys build up the courage to say some really offensive things to me...just cause I have a big butt doesnt mean Im going to giggle and say thanks next time a guy decided to tell me what hed like to do with it because Im so grateful someone wants to flirt with me. Ew on that whole line of thinking.
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I can't even count how many times I have been told this!!! "You have such a pretty face" or "you are so pretty, for a big girl!" Or "I'm not usually attracted to big girls, but you are really pretty!" Ugh.....stop. I cant. People don't think before they speak. I always wish I could come up with some snarky comeback on the fly ...but I just find myself thinking of the perfect comeback....3 days later
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He was just negging. It's the hot new thing to do you know.
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I don't blame you for not taking it as a compliment, but personally I would have. I don't know, maybe it's just my extremely thick skin. Even if it was not a "foot in mouth" phenomena, the belief that overweight people are unattractive is not uncommon and if I plug my ears and go "la la la" that's not going to change. When someone declares that despite this widespread belief they find me attractive, or that I've challenged their own preference you bet your tushie I'm going to take it as a complement.
In fact one of the most memorable random moments in my life was when the 300 pound me was shopping and I overheard a man talking to his friend and saying "that woman there buying that, I bet she doesn't realize how beautiful she is". Had I been more sensitive my initial reaction would have been "Why? Do you think all fat women have low self esteem?" (I don't) or something along the lines of "I'm fat and angry that people are fattists". I'm just not keen on demanding that everyone walks on politically correct eggshells around me for whatever reason.0 -
How about the response- thanks!- you're cute for a (short/stupid guy, jerk, pig, fill in the blank.)0
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I find that interesting @amusedmonkey ... in a big way, it really does though, show quite a bit about approach and compatibility. Where there are some of us who would find it offensive to have a guy tell them they are pretty for a big girl, you would take it as a compliment.
Like, I would not appreciate it if a guy would assume I dont think Im beautiful and tell a buddy that, but thats just me...another woman would be flattered to overhear a guy say that...and therein is the compatibility thing, in that she would likely respond favorably and may spark something with the guy whose approach she was open to, where I would roll my eyes and walk away as if I didnt hear him..and remain single LoL
I guess it boils down to, theres someone for everyone. Not everyone wants to be approached or flirted with in the same way...
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KrysKiss87 wrote: »So in conclusion, Handsome Lab guy is kind of a jerk. Or maybe just really socially awkward.
And yet....he's not the one posting about it on an anonymous chat board....
:drinker:
Who knows, maybe someone else in the place had talked to him about you and he thought he was going out of his way to be nice.
As for the ring, lots of unmarried people were them as preventive measure, no way to know for sure without asking.
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peachyfuzzle wrote: »I don't think most females understand exactly how scary it can be to ask someone out (because our society deems that it is nearly always the male who has to take the lead in courtship), and how that fear will nearly always force you to put your foot in your mouth when you finally work up the courage to do so. This is exponentially more true relative to one's own social awkwardness.
It sounds to me like he meant to say something completely different, and it came out extraordinarily wrong.
having walked into a shop- grabbed a a sharpie and straight up wrote my number on the I liked guys hand- yeah- I know "how scary" it can be.- it's not.
it's not that scary. worst she says is no- okay- worst she says is no you're ugly go away... so what- we are judged constantly as fkable pieces of meat- EVERY DAY. Our value is based on how good we might be at having sex.
Get over yourselves- we aren't that intimidating- we are just people- stop putting us on some dias and just strike up a damn conversation.
OP- guy is a douche- even if a socially awkward- unknowing douche. Should have told him way to shoot himself in the foot on that one.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
seriously? you are n=1. social anxiety is a real thing, and not everyone finds it as not scary as you.
lack of empathy much?
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jilloliver wrote: »my dad told my bff one time that she would be the most beautiful girl he knew if she lost weight. offensive on so many levels! lol! he has good intentions but he says stupid stuff. really stupid.
LOL...I had a guy friend say this to me once years ago. I started to say thank you and then was like wait...what? It sounded like a compliment but was covered by an insult, lol. Oh well.
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KrysKiss87 wrote: »
Just thought I'd lighten up the mood a little. mmmm bananas.
lol0 -
Please tell the noob what n=1 means, LOL.0
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SerenityGrace wrote: »Please tell the noob what n=1 means, LOL.
n = the sample size of the experiment. that poster's sample size is herself in her example. therefore n=1. am i missing something?0 -
I would have felt (if me with the way I think) that maybe he saw me as an easy target. Using maybe something I had low self esteem about to persuade me I had really scored by him asking me out. I would have declined as well just based on the wording.0
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marinabreeze wrote: »DearestWinter wrote: »I would find this irritating too, OP. To everyone defending him as being awkward and suffering from foot-in-mouth ... that may be true but that still doesn't excuse what he said. He might not actually be a jerk but he acted like one. Some people are happy to overlook that sort of thing but obviously OP is not one of those people and she shouldn't feel obligated to do so.
Exactly this.
I don't know in what world that making such a comment would be considered okay. I'm married also, but even if I were single I wouldn't give someone like that the time of day, because it sounds like I'm some kind of exception to the "rule" that big girls are unattractive - which is pretty rude to imply, even if you think that way. He may not be a bad person, but what he said was rude. What if we replaced "big girl" with other characteristics - would it play so well then?
Smart observation
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on behalf of all guys everywhere... I'm so ashamed!
![:\](https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
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enterdanger wrote: »Comments like that are the reason I tried to date guys that only spoke foreign languages for a short time frame in college. Mute is better.
Brilliant 0 -
There is always 2 ways to say something. When you have a date with someone who is flat out ugly you could say "You're so ugly your face could stop a clock." Or, you could say, "When I look into your eyes, time stands still." Lab dude just chose the wrong way to convey his message because he is socially awkward, as are many of us. Accept the compliment and realize it was probably difficult for him to work up the nerve to approach you in the 1st place. The fact he didn't check out your hand for a wedding ring is the first clue he doesn't have a clue.0
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He could have just not found the right words, OR there ARE men who take advantage of large women, small women, too thin women, capitalizing on low self esteem and abusing them via their own low self esteem. You never know without going into it further, which you are not doing.0
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Good on you girl!
But yeah the comment "pretty for a big girl" would have put me off too!0 -
I find that interesting @amusedmonkey ... in a big way, it really does though, show quite a bit about approach and compatibility. Where there are some of us who would find it offensive to have a guy tell them they are pretty for a big girl, you would take it as a compliment.
Like, I would not appreciate it if a guy would assume I dont think Im beautiful and tell a buddy that, but thats just me...another woman would be flattered to overhear a guy say that...and therein is the compatibility thing, in that she would likely respond favorably and may spark something with the guy whose approach she was open to, where I would roll my eyes and walk away as if I didnt hear him..and remain single LoL
I guess it boils down to, theres someone for everyone. Not everyone wants to be approached or flirted with in the same way...
I agree. choosing to know a person better before basing my judgement on one statement has opened a lot of doors for me, some of which I closed because the person was indeed a self-absorbed individual who thought was doing me a favor... "yeah, I'm not your charity therapy buddy", but more often than not it has resulted in amazing relationships and life-long friendships.
People who do place such judgement have a better chance at avoiding dealing with the former type, so I can understand this tendency for self-preservation. It may also have to do with the fact that I did not mind being fat one bit (until I got hit by health repercussions) so I was less prone to being offended by things that involved the topic.0
This discussion has been closed.
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