For a Fat girl, I'm a fox! (apparently.)???
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It was a pretty douchey comment, but as someone who opens her mouth and inserts her foot regularly when attempting to flirt, I actually feel a bit bad for him too and definitely think you shouldn't take it personally. The main point he wanted to convey was that you're attractive - the rest was unnecessary, ill advised waffle.0
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KrysKiss87 wrote: »I was walking into work this morning and as per the norm, I ended up having to share the elevator with the good looking Lab tech that works on the floor below me. We usually get to work about the same time, so inevitably we end up sharing the elevator. It's almost become part of my morning ritual. Only Today was different.
I shuffle onto the elevator followed shortly by handsome lab guy. The doors slide shut and we start our ascent. Suddenly out of the blue he turns to me and says "Listen, I've been wanting to say something for awhile now but hadn't worked up the nerve. I wanted to know if you would let me take you to coffee sometime. I find you very pretty for a big girl and I think you are really attractive."
Say what?
Though I am flattered that this handsome gentlemen was attracted to my milkshake which does in fact bring all the boys to the yard,(because I'm hella sexy yo) I had to decline.
First things first. I am VERY happily married. I even wear a shiny ring that is an obvious statement of the fact that I am taken, Unavailable, Kitchen is closed. No soup for you.
Secondly, if by some chance I was not married, in what universe would this statement actually make me want to go out with you? Maybe the poor guy didn't know what he was saying, maybe he didn't realize that "pretty for a big girl" is not, in fact, a compliment.
Correct me if I'm wrong, because maybe I'm taking this to heart more than I should, but pointing out the fact that I'm a "big girl" (Which, thanks genius I already knew that) even after a compliment, is a surefire way to make me immediately not find you attractive. "Pretty for a big girl" is like saying "Hey there, I don't think you are sexy in general, but if I have to settle for less than I really want, you aint so bad!"
Why can't I be just pretty? Why can't someone find me attractive in general instead of itemizing me in a list of a particular body type. I am not at all ashamed of how I look, but to try and "Compliment" me by saying I'm not typically pretty, but for a fat girl I'm a fox..... Not really beneficial to my self esteem. Although I appreciate the compliment, pointing out my weight issue right after is kind of lame.
So in conclusion, Handsome Lab guy is kind of a jerk. Or maybe just really socially awkward.
Am I looking at this in completely the wrong way?
I don't really care about the opinion of some random guy because I am married to one who loves me for who I am and I am completely head over heels for him. But for some reason this whole thing just got under my skin.
Comments? questions? Snide remarks?
Well he might be pretty but he's obviously not very smart.... and I would take smart over pretty any day...
Don't let it bother you. He's ridiculous.
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enterdanger wrote: »Comments like that are the reason I tried to date guys that only spoke foreign languages for a short time frame in college. Mute is better.
Haha! That's an appealing option I hadn't considered
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I hate that 'I'm married' is an automatic response, it kind of justifies the comments and makes it sound like if you weren't married, you would have jumped at the opportunity to go out with this guy.
I know it snot your fault, it's something just said to get out of these situations quickly, I just wish that in general, the response from whoever, married or not, would be to make the guys/girls realise that what they've said just isn't going to make people jump at the opportunity of a drink with them.0 -
Honestly, I think it depends on the delivery. He doesn't sound like he was being a jerk so I'm not sure it's fair to assume he is one.
Sounds to me like he awkwardly spoke his mind. That is, he's noticed you, and knowing he isn't typically attracted to bigger women, but is attracted to you, is one of your alluring qualities. However, because he doesn't know how to express this without sounding idiotic, he says the simplest thing he can come up with... and it's still an awkward one.
I've had relationships start off of such awkward comments. The best response, if you're interested, is "For a big girl, eh?" because what that will tell you is whether or not they are a nice dude. Nice dudes who are not jerks will be immediately embarrassed and stammer, blush or even swear about screwing it up. Jerks don't even bat an eye. When the nice guy stammers and blushes, that's when you flirtatiously place your hand on their arm and say "It's okay, I know what you're trying to say" because you know what? YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS TRYING TO SAY. Then you let him buy you the coffee or whatever, and you enjoy it knowing you have a kick booty story about the first time he talked to you.
Don't let your own perceptions or assumptions about others keep you from enjoying life and enjoying a dang compliment every once in a while.
I'm 6'1" and over 400lbs, and I get the addendum quite often. Dudes that are not used to being into women as big as men but then find me fascinating or beautiful or whatever it may be end up saying some pretty stupid things, but at the end of the day, being offended is not their problem, it's mine. You can't be offended if you don't empower another to offend you. I may choose to tease you for foot-in-mouth syndrome, but I do it to diffuse the situation and laugh with you, not at you... And I feel sorry for women who are not able to embrace this.
Just because we live life surrounded by people who are not very nice to us doesn't mean we have to be defensive first, and considering second. Consider it first. Your life will be happier for it.0 -
Say, he was so taken with your pretty face, that he didn't notice your wedding ring after several encounters on the elevator. I'd say, that rocks!0
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Has anyone pointed out that if this guy works in a lab...there is a real possibility that he has no idea how to talk to women? He might be cute, but he is obviously socially awkward. I wouldn't be insulted. He's probably a mess.0
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I'm just wondering how awkard the elevator ride is going to be from now on...yikes!!!0
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"awkward"0
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I'm just wondering how awkard the elevator ride is going to be from now on...yikes!!!
I was wondering that too because, in my experience, most guys get so ego-bruised after a rejection that they go out of their way to act aloof with you sometimes to the point of being rude, even if you rejected them really gently and try to still be nice to them. Not saying this must happen in this case, but it has always happened with me so far...0 -
yopeeps025 wrote: »peachyfuzzle wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »peachyfuzzle wrote: »peachyfuzzle wrote: »I don't think most females understand exactly how scary it can be to ask someone out (because our society deems that it is nearly always the male who has to take the lead in courtship), and how that fear will nearly always force you to put your foot in your mouth when you finally work up the courage to do so. This is exponentially more true relative to one's own social awkwardness.
It sounds to me like he meant to say something completely different, and it came out extraordinarily wrong.
having walked into a shop- grabbed a a sharpie and straight up wrote my number on the I liked guys hand- yeah- I know "how scary" it can be.- it's not.
it's not that scary. worst she says is no- okay- worst she says is no you're ugly go away... so what- we are judged constantly as fkable pieces of meat- EVERY DAY. Our value is based on how good we might be at having sex.
Get over yourselves- we aren't that intimidating- we are just people- stop putting us on some dias and just strike up a damn conversation.
OP- guy is a douche- even if a socially awkward- unknowing douche. Should have told him way to shoot himself in the foot on that one.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
Yeah, go ahead, and get not only rejected, but laughed at to the point of tears by every single romantic interest you've ever had, and then tell me how easy it is.
Being told "no" is nothing, but being laughed at as though you were lower than dirt, and so unattractive that the thought of you in a romantic sense is literally laughable... that is pretty scary, and vastly most often not worth the headache.
Your whole "fkcable piece of meat" thing just serves to exaggerate my point. If you truly believe that you're only looked at as such, then it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you're a warm hole. In such a case, looking better than a troll is only a bonus.
I don't think I'm the one who has to get over himself.
How did I know it was fear of rejection? Because I have been there before. That is almost the reason why some men are afraid.
Look man I get it. I had girls make fun of how my chest is so big which is my most self conscious area. Does that stop me from still trying to meet new women?:noway: I would also think that everyone has been rejected at some point in life.
You should read the rest of what I said rather than stopping directly when seeing the word "rejection."
Also, I never said anything about it stopping me from meeting women, so there's no need to add that in there.
Regardless, my point is that people get extraordinarily nervous when talking to people who they are interested in, and they sometimes say really stupid things because their brain stops functioning correctly. Whether this is the case, or not in this situation, who knows. But, I'm more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt most times rather than completely write them off as dickheads right off the bat.
So why did I bring up my bad rejection because I did read your whole comment. I keep talking about rejection because that is what it is. These people just like to say negative things with the rejection. Why I don't know.
ETA: Your not alone for having tears over rejections. I have also. It sucks. I got really pissed off in the past for these things. I cannot say I know of other men who have. I sure it happens way more then you and me think it does.
I never had tears over rejections that i can recall. Truth is, when you get emo over a rejection is because you really like the person before you let them know how you feel. When you really like/care for a woman after you known them, it's too late. Despite the fact most marriages end in divorce, we really shouldn't take the time to get to know the woman. if you do that that shows you care about her for more than her looks, but as I said, it's to late by that time. We should base all our attraction on looks and go from there. You know how a lot of guys do.
I like to laugh at some of past faults and flaws. Crying over women I like and barely knew was a total waste of my time. I was kind of mad that I had that reaction to a bad rejection. Now I don't and just rolls over. I have so much said to me there like nothing new that would hurt that I haven't already heard.
Also its not the rejection itself. It is what follows the rejection or prior to that "NO." Oh well we live and learn.0 -
So, I read in a bunch of posts here that some guys are socially inept and we should forgive the idiotic approach of the "handsome" guy who gave you a left-handed "compliment". Are they kidding? How much effort does it take not to make a compliment into an insult?0
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I was out on a first date with this really hot guy. While I wasn't as big as I am now, I was still "thick." It was like we were from 2 different planets so after a few drinks in I finally asked him what made him ask me out. He said that honestly he digs fat chicks cause we are more willing to do kinky stuff in bed. Then he winked at me. Like he was doing ME a favor! I left.
Now my husband was (is) very socially awkward. Which was one of the things that attracted me to him. It took him 6 months to even get up the nerve to say hi to me. So I asked him out cause I didn't want to have to wait another 6mo! Lol. I moved in 2 weeks later, we were married 11 months after that and have been married for 13 years.
It's really hard to tell if he was trying to be sweet or just being an *kitten*. I always hated being told I was pretty for a fat girl. Seriously?!?! People have every right to having a type, and if you don't like bigger people I'm cool with that too. But don't make me feel like I should feel special that you fine me mildly attractive despite your general nonattractiveness of my girth. I don't need your pity compliment. I would never tell a man that I thought he was hot despite his pot belly or his hair or his need to wear socks with sandles.
What ever happened to just saying "hey! How you doin?"0 -
michellemybelll wrote: »peachyfuzzle wrote: »I don't think most females understand exactly how scary it can be to ask someone out (because our society deems that it is nearly always the male who has to take the lead in courtship), and how that fear will nearly always force you to put your foot in your mouth when you finally work up the courage to do so. This is exponentially more true relative to one's own social awkwardness.
It sounds to me like he meant to say something completely different, and it came out extraordinarily wrong.
having walked into a shop- grabbed a a sharpie and straight up wrote my number on the I liked guys hand- yeah- I know "how scary" it can be.- it's not.
it's not that scary. worst she says is no- okay- worst she says is no you're ugly go away... so what- we are judged constantly as fkable pieces of meat- EVERY DAY. Our value is based on how good we might be at having sex.
Get over yourselves- we aren't that intimidating- we are just people- stop putting us on some dias and just strike up a damn conversation.
OP- guy is a douche- even if a socially awkward- unknowing douche. Should have told him way to shoot himself in the foot on that one.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
seriously? you are n=1. social anxiety is a real thing, and not everyone finds it as not scary as you.
lack of empathy much?
eh. it's your own personal problem to have social anxiety- it doesn't make the act of doing something any more dangerous. the act is still the same- and the advice is still the same... just go do it.
I get that people have social problems- but you either deal with or you continue to blame your problems on why you don't have X, Y or Z. My brother is the same way- *kitten* endlessly about how he can't talk to girls. Dude- just go do it- the only way you get better at is by doing it.
You can call it a lack of empathy- but the hard reality is- at some point you have to get over that fear and go do it. Then do it again. And again. And again. That process changes for no person. you either do it. Or you don't. Sure I feel bad for people who have social anxiety issues- they still have to get over it and go out there and go do it if they want results. that has nothing to do with my empathy or not. My feelings about people don't matter in the results. It's a completely not relevant. You either work on getting over that- or you don't. My emotions on someone don't impact the outcome of their actions at all.
You are calling pragmatism a lack of empathy- but do not mistake one for the other.0 -
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michellemybelll wrote: »peachyfuzzle wrote: »I don't think most females understand exactly how scary it can be to ask someone out (because our society deems that it is nearly always the male who has to take the lead in courtship), and how that fear will nearly always force you to put your foot in your mouth when you finally work up the courage to do so. This is exponentially more true relative to one's own social awkwardness.
It sounds to me like he meant to say something completely different, and it came out extraordinarily wrong.
having walked into a shop- grabbed a a sharpie and straight up wrote my number on the I liked guys hand- yeah- I know "how scary" it can be.- it's not.
it's not that scary. worst she says is no- okay- worst she says is no you're ugly go away... so what- we are judged constantly as fkable pieces of meat- EVERY DAY. Our value is based on how good we might be at having sex.
Get over yourselves- we aren't that intimidating- we are just people- stop putting us on some dias and just strike up a damn conversation.
OP- guy is a douche- even if a socially awkward- unknowing douche. Should have told him way to shoot himself in the foot on that one.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
seriously? you are n=1. social anxiety is a real thing, and not everyone finds it as not scary as you.
lack of empathy much?
eh. it's your own personal problem to have social anxiety- it doesn't make the act of doing something any more dangerous. the act is still the same- and the advice is still the same... just go do it.
I get that people have social problems- but you either deal with or you continue to blame your problems on why you don't have X, Y or Z. My brother is the same way- *kitten* endlessly about how he can't talk to girls. Dude- just go do it- the only way you get better at is by doing it.
You can call it a lack of empathy- but the hard reality is- at some point you have to get over that fear and go do it. Then do it again. And again. And again. That process changes for no person. you either do it. Or you don't. Sure I feel bad for people who have social anxiety issues- they still have to get over it and go out there and go do it if they want results. that has nothing to do with my empathy or not. My feelings about people don't matter in the results. It's a completely not relevant. You either work on getting over that- or you don't. My emotions on someone don't impact the outcome of their actions at all.
You are calling pragmatism a lack of empathy- but do not mistake one for the other.
That's like making a forum topic and saying, "hey just lose weight, just do it. If you have difficulty with it, that's your problem. You have to get over your problem, just do it." Yes there's truth to it, but for a lot of people it's a bit more complicated than that.
Please do not comparing the concept of losing weight to talking to women.
While I can give you advice on how to lose weight, can I give you advice to make that women want you. This was an awful comparison.
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kristen6350 wrote: »Boys are so dumb.
Thanks, not sure what I've done wrong but if you say we're all dumb, it must be true. DUH DUH DUH ME SO SILLY UHUHUHUH DUMDUMDUM ME CANT SWITCH CAPSLOCK BUTTON OFF DUUUURRRRRRR0 -
yopeeps025 wrote: »michellemybelll wrote: »peachyfuzzle wrote: »I don't think most females understand exactly how scary it can be to ask someone out (because our society deems that it is nearly always the male who has to take the lead in courtship), and how that fear will nearly always force you to put your foot in your mouth when you finally work up the courage to do so. This is exponentially more true relative to one's own social awkwardness.
It sounds to me like he meant to say something completely different, and it came out extraordinarily wrong.
having walked into a shop- grabbed a a sharpie and straight up wrote my number on the I liked guys hand- yeah- I know "how scary" it can be.- it's not.
it's not that scary. worst she says is no- okay- worst she says is no you're ugly go away... so what- we are judged constantly as fkable pieces of meat- EVERY DAY. Our value is based on how good we might be at having sex.
Get over yourselves- we aren't that intimidating- we are just people- stop putting us on some dias and just strike up a damn conversation.
OP- guy is a douche- even if a socially awkward- unknowing douche. Should have told him way to shoot himself in the foot on that one.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
seriously? you are n=1. social anxiety is a real thing, and not everyone finds it as not scary as you.
lack of empathy much?
eh. it's your own personal problem to have social anxiety- it doesn't make the act of doing something any more dangerous. the act is still the same- and the advice is still the same... just go do it.
I get that people have social problems- but you either deal with or you continue to blame your problems on why you don't have X, Y or Z. My brother is the same way- *kitten* endlessly about how he can't talk to girls. Dude- just go do it- the only way you get better at is by doing it.
You can call it a lack of empathy- but the hard reality is- at some point you have to get over that fear and go do it. Then do it again. And again. And again. That process changes for no person. you either do it. Or you don't. Sure I feel bad for people who have social anxiety issues- they still have to get over it and go out there and go do it if they want results. that has nothing to do with my empathy or not. My feelings about people don't matter in the results. It's a completely not relevant. You either work on getting over that- or you don't. My emotions on someone don't impact the outcome of their actions at all.
You are calling pragmatism a lack of empathy- but do not mistake one for the other.
That's like making a forum topic and saying, "hey just lose weight, just do it. If you have difficulty with it, that's your problem. You have to get over your problem, just do it." Yes there's truth to it, but for a lot of people it's a bit more complicated than that.
Please do not comparing the concept of losing weight to talking to women.
While I can give you advice on how to lose weight, can I give you advice to make that women want you. This was an awful comparison.
That person is a troll, yopeeps, don't waste your time attempting to reason with them.
no he's not. and he makes a good analogy. pragmatism is good, i like pragmatism. but, you're going beyond being pragmatic.
whatever. lol. OP's story is funny/sad for the lab geek. she seems fine and well-adjusted.0 -
granturismo wrote: »
We shared the elevator again today. I'm not a very modest/shy person, I usually let stuff roll off my back. Usually, for some reason yesterday it bugged me. After much thought and consideration, it still bugs me. But as I said in my original post, maybe he was just a tad socially awkward for whatever reason. The guy could have meant it in a completely inoocent way, or he could have been attempting to be a *kitten*, who knows? So today I got into the elevator first, he shortly followed. He wasn't rude or blowing me off, he just stood there. Like a person.... standing there. He smiled at me and told me to have a good day when he got off the elevator. No scowls, no longing looks of unrequited love, no glances of hatred for me "rejecting" him. Just a smile and a "have an awesome day" I think maybe he just suffered from Foot In Mouth disease yesterday, but he seems like an OK guy. It bugged me that he worded it the way he did, but I don't think it was on purpose. And either way I'm still a fox with a kick-*kitten* Milkshake so......0 -
KrysKiss87 wrote: »So in conclusion, Handsome Lab guy is kind of a jerk. Or maybe just really socially awkward.
And yet....he's not the one posting about it on an anonymous chat board....
:drinker:
Who knows, maybe someone else in the place had talked to him about you and he thought he was going out of his way to be nice.
As for the ring, lots of unmarried people were them as preventive measure, no way to know for sure without asking.
Um, just putting this out there. If I'm wearing a fake engagement/wedding ring, I'm pretty sure I can speak for most women when I say it's because I don't want to be hit on, asked about my marital status, etc. So feel free to not ask and just assume that's the relationship status they're knowingly displaying for a reason, they'll let you know if it's fake.0 -
47Jacqueline wrote: »So, I read in a bunch of posts here that some guys are socially inept and we should forgive the idiotic approach of the "handsome" guy who gave you a left-handed "compliment". Are they kidding? How much effort does it take not to make a compliment into an insult?
Also, would she have been encouraged to forgive him if he was unpleasant looking rather than handsome?
For the record, His comment would have bugged me whether it came from a bronze muscular sex god or a creepy disgusting dirtbag. I don't judge people based on looks, hence the reason it offended me in the first place.0 -
yopeeps025 wrote: »michellemybelll wrote: »peachyfuzzle wrote: »I don't think most females understand exactly how scary it can be to ask someone out (because our society deems that it is nearly always the male who has to take the lead in courtship), and how that fear will nearly always force you to put your foot in your mouth when you finally work up the courage to do so. This is exponentially more true relative to one's own social awkwardness.
It sounds to me like he meant to say something completely different, and it came out extraordinarily wrong.
having walked into a shop- grabbed a a sharpie and straight up wrote my number on the I liked guys hand- yeah- I know "how scary" it can be.- it's not.
it's not that scary. worst she says is no- okay- worst she says is no you're ugly go away... so what- we are judged constantly as fkable pieces of meat- EVERY DAY. Our value is based on how good we might be at having sex.
Get over yourselves- we aren't that intimidating- we are just people- stop putting us on some dias and just strike up a damn conversation.
OP- guy is a douche- even if a socially awkward- unknowing douche. Should have told him way to shoot himself in the foot on that one.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
seriously? you are n=1. social anxiety is a real thing, and not everyone finds it as not scary as you.
lack of empathy much?
eh. it's your own personal problem to have social anxiety- it doesn't make the act of doing something any more dangerous. the act is still the same- and the advice is still the same... just go do it.
I get that people have social problems- but you either deal with or you continue to blame your problems on why you don't have X, Y or Z. My brother is the same way- *kitten* endlessly about how he can't talk to girls. Dude- just go do it- the only way you get better at is by doing it.
You can call it a lack of empathy- but the hard reality is- at some point you have to get over that fear and go do it. Then do it again. And again. And again. That process changes for no person. you either do it. Or you don't. Sure I feel bad for people who have social anxiety issues- they still have to get over it and go out there and go do it if they want results. that has nothing to do with my empathy or not. My feelings about people don't matter in the results. It's a completely not relevant. You either work on getting over that- or you don't. My emotions on someone don't impact the outcome of their actions at all.
You are calling pragmatism a lack of empathy- but do not mistake one for the other.
That's like making a forum topic and saying, "hey just lose weight, just do it. If you have difficulty with it, that's your problem. You have to get over your problem, just do it." Yes there's truth to it, but for a lot of people it's a bit more complicated than that.
Please do not comparing the concept of losing weight to talking to women.
While I can give you advice on how to lose weight, can I give you advice to make that women want you. This was an awful comparison.
Do you realize what you just did? You down played weight loss like the woman who down played your issue with women.
There are many people who have issue with weight loss. There are many men who have issues with women. Someone can come along to a person who has weight issues(like i have had) and say, 'just eat less" it means nothing to them. It doesn't help, it doesn't solve the issue. You can give all the advice you want, but in the end for the most part it's not helpful. I got to get going, but I'll try to keep it short. I have lost 192lbs at my max weight loss, been obese most of my life, heard all the advice, i read educated myself for over 20yrs on weight loss, it didn't help much. I am also majoring in biochemistry as well. When the time came, I managed to get rid of most of my weight. I gained back like 30lbs or so. I know what i am supposed to be doing, and how to do it. I know my own advice, but at this moment in time it doesn't help. I am struggling a bit because of school.
There are many men who have issues with women. there are many people who can give you advice on how to be better and what not. That's what the entire PUA stuff is about and based on. The woman actually gave you advice. Which i don't disagree with. All the advice in the world won't help anyone who isn't ready for it.
So yes, pretty much the same thing. She downplayed some male issues, you down played obesity issues in the exact same way.
I was more of getting at besides for medical issue people there is a one answer to lose weight. You know it. It is almost a one size fits all answer.
How to get women? Do we have a one sizes fit all answer? That where I was going with this.
BTW I know what PUA site is. I have talked to women about it and they feel nothing positive from that. Let box together all the women because there the same.0 -
KrysKiss87 wrote: »granturismo wrote: »
We shared the elevator again today. I'm not a very modest/shy person, I usually let stuff roll off my back. Usually, for some reason yesterday it bugged me. After much thought and consideration, it still bugs me. But as I said in my original post, maybe he was just a tad socially awkward for whatever reason. The guy could have meant it in a completely inoocent way, or he could have been attempting to be a *kitten*, who knows? So today I got into the elevator first, he shortly followed. He wasn't rude or blowing me off, he just stood there. Like a person.... standing there. He smiled at me and told me to have a good day when he got off the elevator. No scowls, no longing looks of unrequited love, no glances of hatred for me "rejecting" him. Just a smile and a "have an awesome day" I think maybe he just suffered from Foot In Mouth disease yesterday, but he seems like an OK guy. It bugged me that he worded it the way he did, but I don't think it was on purpose. And either way I'm still a fox with a kick-*kitten* Milkshake so......
And yet also no apologies for putting his foot in his mouth ...
He does give the impression of being clueless. Likely a good guy who meant well but had no idea his compliment was actually insulting. Personally I find that lack of awareness annoying although I wouldn't ice him out or be rude. I just wouldn't date him. (Not that you're in that situation, OP!)0 -
So this may or may not be the best way to look at this, but here's my thought.
A really good friend of mine and I frequently talk about how I'm going "land" a guy ha ha when I had such a bad relationship of 6 years followed by an even uglier separation.
I've also lost a lot of weight since then and I'm always joking around by saying oh when I get down to 200 lbs I'll finally be able to attract those good guys. And one day she said, seriously, you're so confident that you could get any guy right now without losing another pound. She said a lot of guys will notice confidence before size - it's about how you carry yourself and how you present yourself to others. How you speak and your demeanour.
So in a way, maybe he noticed how you carry yourself and that made him attracted to you. I'm not saying that "for a big girl" part is ok - it definitely is not. But what I am saying is that when someone is confident, they can be a size 2 or a size 20 and people notice they're confident. People notice confident people. So maybe that's what made him notice you.
I wouldn't let it get to me. If you're happily married then you and your spouse can probably laugh a bit about this and move on.0 -
I think you're all looking into it too much. If you accept that you are in fact, a larger lady, then what is so offensive about him saying that you are pretty for a larger lady? For being a lady who's been HUGE for a good majority of their life, I usually shrug off any/all complements I get simply because I have a poor body image that I'm slowly learning to embrace as I lose weight little steps at a time. I now take complements in stride.
The other day, I went to grab my coat from in the breakroom at work, and a guy asked me if some cute black jacket was mine. I said, "Wow, no, I'd never fit in something that small. I'm too fat for it!" and laughed. He turned it around and said, "You're not fat! You're fun sized!" We both laughed about it.
I thought nothing about the "hidden connotations" that the phrase "fun sized" could possibly mean, because the guy was NICE. I've also been told on very few occasions lately that I am very muscular/have pretty features for a large lady. Does this intimidate or offend me? Hell no. Because, the fact is, MOST people will see you as a "large" person FIRST, and then other features SECOND, because anyone who is considerably larger (like me), is going to be seen as large. It's just how it is. Most people mean no harm by comments like that.
If his comment bugged you that much, you should have said that you're sensitive about comments related to your weight and he probably would have awkwardly apologized. Or, you could have taken it as motivation to not be seen as the "pretty even though large" lady at work, etc. That's at least what I do. I figure this. If I'm "pretty" now, just think how great I'll look after another 50 lbs are gone (I have about 100 to lose, give or take a few).
Not all people are the same in the way of being sensitive to others, so cut people some slack. Otherwise, it's just going to drive you bonkers and make you hate people for not adhering to "standards of politeness."0 -
yopeeps025 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »michellemybelll wrote: »peachyfuzzle wrote: »I don't think most females understand exactly how scary it can be to ask someone out (because our society deems that it is nearly always the male who has to take the lead in courtship), and how that fear will nearly always force you to put your foot in your mouth when you finally work up the courage to do so. This is exponentially more true relative to one's own social awkwardness.
It sounds to me like he meant to say something completely different, and it came out extraordinarily wrong.
having walked into a shop- grabbed a a sharpie and straight up wrote my number on the I liked guys hand- yeah- I know "how scary" it can be.- it's not.
it's not that scary. worst she says is no- okay- worst she says is no you're ugly go away... so what- we are judged constantly as fkable pieces of meat- EVERY DAY. Our value is based on how good we might be at having sex.
Get over yourselves- we aren't that intimidating- we are just people- stop putting us on some dias and just strike up a damn conversation.
OP- guy is a douche- even if a socially awkward- unknowing douche. Should have told him way to shoot himself in the foot on that one.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
seriously? you are n=1. social anxiety is a real thing, and not everyone finds it as not scary as you.
lack of empathy much?
eh. it's your own personal problem to have social anxiety- it doesn't make the act of doing something any more dangerous. the act is still the same- and the advice is still the same... just go do it.
I get that people have social problems- but you either deal with or you continue to blame your problems on why you don't have X, Y or Z. My brother is the same way- *kitten* endlessly about how he can't talk to girls. Dude- just go do it- the only way you get better at is by doing it.
You can call it a lack of empathy- but the hard reality is- at some point you have to get over that fear and go do it. Then do it again. And again. And again. That process changes for no person. you either do it. Or you don't. Sure I feel bad for people who have social anxiety issues- they still have to get over it and go out there and go do it if they want results. that has nothing to do with my empathy or not. My feelings about people don't matter in the results. It's a completely not relevant. You either work on getting over that- or you don't. My emotions on someone don't impact the outcome of their actions at all.
You are calling pragmatism a lack of empathy- but do not mistake one for the other.
That's like making a forum topic and saying, "hey just lose weight, just do it. If you have difficulty with it, that's your problem. You have to get over your problem, just do it." Yes there's truth to it, but for a lot of people it's a bit more complicated than that.
Please do not comparing the concept of losing weight to talking to women.
While I can give you advice on how to lose weight, can I give you advice to make that women want you. This was an awful comparison.
Do you realize what you just did? You down played weight loss like the woman who down played your issue with women.
There are many people who have issue with weight loss. There are many men who have issues with women. Someone can come along to a person who has weight issues(like i have had) and say, 'just eat less" it means nothing to them. It doesn't help, it doesn't solve the issue. You can give all the advice you want, but in the end for the most part it's not helpful. I got to get going, but I'll try to keep it short. I have lost 192lbs at my max weight loss, been obese most of my life, heard all the advice, i read educated myself for over 20yrs on weight loss, it didn't help much. I am also majoring in biochemistry as well. When the time came, I managed to get rid of most of my weight. I gained back like 30lbs or so. I know what i am supposed to be doing, and how to do it. I know my own advice, but at this moment in time it doesn't help. I am struggling a bit because of school.
There are many men who have issues with women. there are many people who can give you advice on how to be better and what not. That's what the entire PUA stuff is about and based on. The woman actually gave you advice. Which i don't disagree with. All the advice in the world won't help anyone who isn't ready for it.
So yes, pretty much the same thing. She downplayed some male issues, you down played obesity issues in the exact same way.
I was more of getting at besides for medical issue people there is a one answer to lose weight. You know it. It is almost a one size fits all answer.
How to get women? Do we have a one sizes fit all answer? That where I was going with this.
BTW I know what PUA site is. I have talked to women about it and they feel nothing positive from that. Let box together all the women because there the same.
just got out of the shower, but i know what you're saying now. There is also a one size fits all for women as well. It's attraction. Weight loss it's a calorie deficit.
honestly it boils down to finding what works for you in both situations.
take care
I think you're right because everything I think of can fall into attraction.0 -
michellemybelll wrote: »peachyfuzzle wrote: »I don't think most females understand exactly how scary it can be to ask someone out (because our society deems that it is nearly always the male who has to take the lead in courtship), and how that fear will nearly always force you to put your foot in your mouth when you finally work up the courage to do so. This is exponentially more true relative to one's own social awkwardness.
It sounds to me like he meant to say something completely different, and it came out extraordinarily wrong.
having walked into a shop- grabbed a a sharpie and straight up wrote my number on the I liked guys hand- yeah- I know "how scary" it can be.- it's not.
it's not that scary. worst she says is no- okay- worst she says is no you're ugly go away... so what- we are judged constantly as fkable pieces of meat- EVERY DAY. Our value is based on how good we might be at having sex.
Get over yourselves- we aren't that intimidating- we are just people- stop putting us on some dias and just strike up a damn conversation.
OP- guy is a douche- even if a socially awkward- unknowing douche. Should have told him way to shoot himself in the foot on that one.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
seriously? you are n=1. social anxiety is a real thing, and not everyone finds it as not scary as you.
lack of empathy much?
eh. it's your own personal problem to have social anxiety- it doesn't make the act of doing something any more dangerous. the act is still the same- and the advice is still the same... just go do it.
I get that people have social problems- but you either deal with or you continue to blame your problems on why you don't have X, Y or Z. My brother is the same way- *kitten* endlessly about how he can't talk to girls. Dude- just go do it- the only way you get better at is by doing it.
You can call it a lack of empathy- but the hard reality is- at some point you have to get over that fear and go do it. Then do it again. And again. And again. That process changes for no person. you either do it. Or you don't. Sure I feel bad for people who have social anxiety issues- they still have to get over it and go out there and go do it if they want results. that has nothing to do with my empathy or not. My feelings about people don't matter in the results. It's a completely not relevant. You either work on getting over that- or you don't. My emotions on someone don't impact the outcome of their actions at all.
You are calling pragmatism a lack of empathy- but do not mistake one for the other.
First off social anxiety is a real medical condition that might need medication and therapy to help fix
Second you are not a medical professional
Third telling some one to just get over a mental disorder does show a lack of empathy. If people could just get over their Bi polar or PTSD or any number of disorders they would have by now.0 -
i dont wear a wedding ring (though im happily married and have been for going on 18 years LOL) and its not uncommon for guys to 'hit' on me (cause they dont know, its not their fault lol), but none have ever had the balls to say THAT......0
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I'm guessing bad social skills...BUT..this reminds me of an old co-worker of mine. He's an attractive, tall and skinny dude. We became friends and he immediately began hitting on me. The issue...he admittedly only likes, "big girls". I think part of me went, "okay, so you only want to rumble in my jungle because my *kitten* is a landing strip for commercial airways?!". Didn't work for me. Like me because I'm awesome, not because you like more cushion for your pushin'.0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWWNCKio_5U
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