Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!
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Some folks are brutal. I think it's pretty amazing you are concerned about your daughters health. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. Instead of saying anything maybe suggest some new activities you can do together. Join a gym, signup for some dance classes. AND MFP! have you shared how supportive MFP can be. Maybe set some new fitness goals for yourself and get excited about it. Maybe it will rub off on her. Get her new BF involved.0
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I know one thing that I haven't seen in the posts is as a 20 yr old young adult woman, what are her goals, does she have a plan to eventually moving out, is she in college? I know its really none of my business, but I noticed when I was a teen (eons ago mind you) when I was a senior I didn't really have my act together. I kind of did what others expected me to, worked at a bank my father was at, etc. To venture outside of her bubble might be the stepping stone she needs to do, to define herself. Personally, and this is just what my husband and I have done...is to make all our sons Navy men. Both my 25 yr old and our 20 yr old are active duty (our 16 yr old soon to follow after he graduates) , making money, seeing the world on ships or being stationed here and there, have a good medical plan, and no debt. What more can a mom ask for? To be doing something bigger than yourself is always a good thing. Now I am not promoting the military, I am just using it as an example of having a child "go down the path" and as a mom being proud and content with that.
I don't mean to be rude but *making* all your sons navy men is hardly allowing them to make their own choices. You chose their careers for them , a career in which nearly every minute of their day is controlled by someone else. How does someone become their own person when the only time their parents let go of the lead is to give it to their commanding officers?0 -
I think it is wonderful that you care. I suggest taking her to a doctor who can explain to her what she is doing to her body, and pay for her to speak to a mental health professional. Good luck!0
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mumblemagic wrote: »I know one thing that I haven't seen in the posts is as a 20 yr old young adult woman, what are her goals, does she have a plan to eventually moving out, is she in college? I know its really none of my business, but I noticed when I was a teen (eons ago mind you) when I was a senior I didn't really have my act together. I kind of did what others expected me to, worked at a bank my father was at, etc. To venture outside of her bubble might be the stepping stone she needs to do, to define herself. Personally, and this is just what my husband and I have done...is to make all our sons Navy men. Both my 25 yr old and our 20 yr old are active duty (our 16 yr old soon to follow after he graduates) , making money, seeing the world on ships or being stationed here and there, have a good medical plan, and no debt. What more can a mom ask for? To be doing something bigger than yourself is always a good thing. Now I am not promoting the military, I am just using it as an example of having a child "go down the path" and as a mom being proud and content with that.
I don't mean to be rude but *making* all your sons navy men is hardly allowing them to make their own choices. You chose their careers for them , a career in which nearly every minute of their day is controlled by someone else. How does someone become their own person when the only time their parents let go of the lead is to give it to their commanding officers?
Have you served in the military? I did and your assumptions about the Navy are wrong. Yes there is a chain of command but you are not controlled by someone every minute of the day. Maybe in boot camp lol.
I will never forget my time in the Navy. I was able to travel the world and do some pretty incredible things. It doesn't sound like her sons were forced into anything. They are patriots and want to serve their country. We need more families like that in the world0 -
I have to add, OP, if you're even still reading this thread.
She's hiding the cookies because you apparently never had it in your house. You didn't teach her moderation. Its something she couldn't have in your house. You point fingers at your ex and allowing her to eat "junk" and you acting the better household because she ate fruit and yogurt. She doesn't want you to know because she doesn't want to hear the lecture from you about it. Instead of having a cookie or two in her daily diet, she hides food and may eat half a box at a time.
In my house growing up, I shouldnt have been overweight. We rarely had chips, cookies, ice cream, etc. Red meat was a treat because my mom doesn't eat it so everything was made with ground turkey or chicken. When I started to drive it opened up being able to have McDonald's or eat a candy bar. Since I had McDonalds a handful of times growing up, all of a sudden I could have it whenever I wanted. WHich led to too many times.0 -
tekkiechikk wrote: »DangerJim71 wrote: »I wish I had some good advice for you. I do find it interesting this idea that we should let people kill themselves with food but if it was drugs, cutting or other risky behavior it would be different.
Maybe you should go see a doctor that specializes in this and see what you can or can't do to help
Exactly what I was going to say. You're in a tough spot, OP... your daughter may resent you now, but if you just stay quiet and let her continue to ruin her health and pack on the weight, she's not going to love you for "staying out of it," either. One day she will look at herself in the mirror and really see the devastating results of that secret eating and will wonder why you didn't do anything to stop it. Some might say it's not your problem, that your daughter is an adult, but don't we rely on those closest to us to step in when they see us engaging in self-destructive behavior, regardless of our age?
I've been in your daughter's shoes. I think the key is to let her know you are there to help without having 'food talk' dominate your lives. And love her to pieces.
I agree, if gaining weight didn't affect her health, how she looks is totally up to her and I love her regardless. I just want her to be healthy. I feel to some degree by not trying to help her, I am silently enabling her to continue.
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Farmerj2000 wrote: »Some folks are brutal. I think it's pretty amazing you are concerned about your daughters health. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. Instead of saying anything maybe suggest some new activities you can do together. Join a gym, signup for some dance classes. AND MFP! have you shared how supportive MFP can be. Maybe set some new fitness goals for yourself and get excited about it. Maybe it will rub off on her. Get her new BF involved.
I got her a gym membership, she was going initially an I was so excited and kept telling her I was so proud of her and how much fun it was to do it together. It only lasted for a short while then the excuses started, headaches, leg pain etc...... She never got back into it and she told me yesterday she wants me to cancel it. I hope she gets back on track....
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I have to add, OP, if you're even still reading this thread.
She's hiding the cookies because you apparently never had it in your house. You didn't teach her moderation. Its something she couldn't have in your house. You point fingers at your ex and allowing her to eat "junk" and you acting the better household because she ate fruit and yogurt. She doesn't want you to know because she doesn't want to hear the lecture from you about it. Instead of having a cookie or two in her daily diet, she hides food and may eat half a box at a time.
In my house growing up, I shouldnt have been overweight. We rarely had chips, cookies, ice cream, etc. Red meat was a treat because my mom doesn't eat it so everything was made with ground turkey or chicken. When I started to drive it opened up being able to have McDonald's or eat a candy bar. Since I had McDonalds a handful of times growing up, all of a sudden I could have it whenever I wanted. WHich led to too many times.
My household was clearly a much healthier household, and I will never agree and say it's OK to keep a poor diet....everyone is obviously entitled to their own opinion. She had plenty of opportunities to eat junk at her dads house. We had 50/50 custody so it was equal opportunity when it comes to junk food and healthy food. I did not grow up with junkfood, i did not feel deprived, i didn't start eating it when i moved away from home just beacause I could. I believe that if you grow up eating junk, that is what you will want and crave.
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I think that there's a lot of people who would be polite and not tell a person they have a problem. And that is okay.
I think that it is great that you care, that you offer help. Because you know what, backing off and letting someone destroy themselves is not love. Imagine she was a closeted drinker. There's only so much you can do for a grown-up, but it should be profoundly clear to her, that you aren't going to buy her cookies, but you are happy to go to the gym with her, or help her in any way.
My mom did scold me at some point when I was 15 and she walked in on me devouring a full frying pan of home fries. I am forever grateful for that moment in my life when mom did tell me I'm growing fat and what does that mean for my future.
Yeah, your daughter is a grown up and maybe you can't scold her. But don't pretend to be ok with her overeating. Be kind, talk to her. When and if she decides to make a change she'll know you're already on her side and have always been
Thank you:) that is exactly how I feel
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Where in the world are you reading that she wants to control her dtr?allaboutthecake wrote: »I can't help but think there is something else going on that is not related to the dthank you:) I just want her to be healthy
ivorce or the dad dying....and yes the stuffing food down is a symptom of something much, much deeper. She's a grown woman. Go to counseling without her. And if she finds YOU getting "better" then perhaps she'll go with you one or two times. This counseling shall help why YOU need to feel in control of your grown daughter.
There sure is a lot of projecting going on in this thread...
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Farmerj2000 wrote: »Some folks are brutal. I think it's pretty amazing you are concerned about your daughters health. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. Instead of saying anything maybe suggest some new activities you can do together. Join a gym, signup for some dance classes. AND MFP! have you shared how supportive MFP can be. Maybe set some new fitness goals for yourself and get excited about it. Maybe it will rub off on her. Get her new BF involved.
I got her a gym membership, she was going initially an I was so excited and kept telling her I was so proud of her and how much fun it was to do it together. It only lasted for a short while then the excuses started, headaches, leg pain etc...... She never got back into it and she told me yesterday she wants me to cancel it. I hope she gets back on track....
Bolded. I understand being excited about someone doing what you want them to do, but when you keep telling her how excited you are, it gets annoying. You may not have said anything you felt was annoying or obnoxious, but it's easy to have your actions interpreted that way by someone who doesn't feel that excited.
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I was always a thin child but then at the age of 16 (same as your daughter) I left full time education, the world became a lot more stressful, McDonalds seemed a lot more appealing and the weight crept up. I've been really depressed (still am, just more manageable now) and I dare say the two are linked. Now if my mother had ever expressed concern about my weight then it would have more than likely pushed me further away, made me feel ashamed and then eat more out of stress. Thankfully I was helped not with eating, but with the depression and given a lot of time and understanding. The happy ending to this is that eventually of my own accord and without anyone harassing me about it I felt at 28 years old I wanted to lose all that weight and feel better about myself and by the time I was 29 (well before then actually) I was back to being slim. What I'm saying is, being a comforting presence but giving her time to deal with what's in her head is the only way to go. Being that person who she associates with being made to feel bad by will only make it worse.
I think someone else suggested it but maybe once a week get a nice treat to share between you and enjoy it with her and take the shame away from eating such food. It's not wrong to feel concerned and want to do something about it. But this is a tricky thing to deal with and you need to be very careful as to how you go about it.0 -
I have a bit of a closet eating problem; the minute i get home from my boyfriend's, i'm off to the shop to buy things to stuff my face with (it is an issue i'm battling and battling pretty well as i've started losing weight again, but i still have 'those nights'). I don't have any problems in my life, except i know that i am overweight. I was two sizes smaller than i am now when my boyfriend and I first met, which he genuiney doesn't care about, but i do, and so i hate indulging around him incase he judges me for wanting to lose weight yet stuffing my face (because i judge myself for that so i assume he would too). Also, he barely eats anything and when he does he eats very healthily (no issues, he's just tiny). So when i'm around him, i feel pressure not to eat, which leads me coming home occasionally and just over-indulging and binging like crazy.
Seriously, when he comes over he isn't allowed in my room in case he sees all the empty packets lying around the place (and i'm 26 years old and still exhibiting these behaviours). We will be moving in together soon though, and so i hope when i'm in an environment that is both ours and i feel more comfortable in, i will be able to kick that habit altogether. Sorry, i don't mean to be one of these 'all about me' kinda people that steal threads, but i consider myself to be in your daughter's shoes, and so i can honestly say (as a lot of people here have) that if you back off, try the 'indulging in food with her' idea and make her feel comfortable eating around you then it will definitely help her. I hope it all works out
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Back off
Leave her alone
She's an adult and it is none of your business
Your job is to tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is not to pick at her for being overweight
yes to all this. I am a binge eater (a recovering one!) and my best advice would be to back off, she is an adult. She probably knows she has a problem, and isnt ready to deal with it yet.0 -
My mom was just like this when I was younger. The food we had at home, was always healthy, but I would buy candy at any chance I got. I also hated exercise. When I moved out of the house at 19, it got even worse, and every time she would confront med about it, I would shut down. I told her, that the decision to loose weight had to come from me, and not from her. This made her back off. I am now 21. I stepped on the scale about a month ago, and discovered I´d gained 20 lb in 6 months. That was the shock I needed to make me loose weight. I´ve lost 10 lb so far.
Give her space and time. She most likely knows that she has a problem, and she´ll do something about it when she´s ready.0 -
I began closet eating when I was young too. And today, I still battle my weight more than ever. When I was young, I didn't gain weight, because I was very active. I played every sport I could. But I would also sneak my dad's little Debbie snacks from the pantry, or eat a whole bag of chips in one sitting. Of course, I was busted with wrappers a few times, and my parents would tell me how unhealthy it was. I didn't have a bad childhood. My parents stayed together, were happily married. Honestly, I think the worst thing about my childhood, was that I was the middle child, and sometimes overlooked...I had no reason to closet eat....but for some reason I did, I loved junk food. I can honestly say, if my mother had stepped in at that point, and made me feel bad about it, it would have gotten worse. Still, to this day, my mother is nothing but supportive, and would never say anything to hurt me, in anyway. If I bring up my weight or health, my mom doesn't even so much as nod in agreement, and I KNOW she is concerned. I know it, because she loves me, and she shows me all the time that she loves me, how could she not be concerned. So if you are telling her and showing her you love her, that's all she needs. I know it must be hard to watch her go down this path, but she does not need anyone telling her what she is doing is unhealthy. Trust me, she knows. Be there for her, love her, and say nothing of her health and weight if you want to keep her in your life. Unfortunately, this is not something YOU can fix for her. She'll get there.0
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Trust in your self that you've raised a great person who is now an adult, who can make decisions for her/himself, everyone has a breaking point...eating covertly is a sign of shame or hiding because she/he already feels that its weird/wrong and has to hide to do it.
when he/she is ready to make a move or change they will do it. believe I am 24 , ive had binge / purge for years and I broke the cycle...but I had to come to a breaking point with myself ... luckily my parents werent pushy or weird about my weight, and never knew my disorder..they raised a great person who figured out thier own demons. I prevailed.
edited to add: your a great mom for having concern for your daughter... I hope she finds the help she needs...it will happen...0 -
I don't think you are being over bearing. You should be concerned. It seems that you and her are very close and you don't say anything that would hurt her or make her feel unloved or unwanted. Your daughter is developing very detrimental habits and you see that and you want to help her fix the problem. There is nothing wrong with that. My opinion is that you need to be gentle with her, but honest. Tell her you will always love her and be there for her and express that you are only trying to help. If you come off respectful and non-shaming, there shouldn't be any issues. No one wants to see their child balloon up to 400, 500 lbs. There are so many risks of obesity including heart disease, high blood pressure, strokes, diabetes, etc. The list could go on and on. I don't for one second believe that you want your daughter to be stick thin, I know you want her to be at a healthy weight. So I am unsure why people are beating up on you for showing concern. I think if your daughter got sick or became morbidly obese, later on in the future, you would kick yourself for 'Backing off'. As a mother, you have every right to express worry and concern.0
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I don't know that I was strict as in telling her she could never eat junk. I just didn't keep junk food at my house and I have always been fit because of that so that is what she was used to seeing. I would let her get Ice cream and candy sometimes if we were out. I really haven't even brought it up since she turned 18 because she is an adult, but I guess after seing all those cookie boxes this morning, it really made me think again.
Everyone has made great points so far, but no one has specifically mentioned this, which stood out to me. Sure, not eating "junk food" regularly would help you stay fit, but it's not necessary to avoid "junk food" to be fit or to maintain a healthy weight. You seem to believe that it is, or at the very least make statements that suggest that.
If your daughter grew up watching you/listening to you talk about eating a very healthy diet with little "junk food" in order to maintain fitness, then she may also perceive that eating exactly like you do is necessary for her to maintain a healthy weight. If she also likes to eat the foods that you label "junk" then it could make her feel like there's no point in trying to eat a healthier diet or lose weight because it means that she'd have to be deprived of such foods forever. Thinking like that also creates a vicious cycle of indulgence in preparation for the eventual day that she will finally give it all up and be "healthy" for once.
I'm not saying that you intentionally restricted things because I don't know if you did that or not. (I know that you say that you didn't restrict, but your daughter could feel differently.) From the statements that you have made in this tread, I do believe that you have made your daughter think that she needed to eat a very healthy (based on what you believe is healthy) diet to achieve a healthy weight/desired level of fitness.
All of the other comments about depression, loss of her father, the divorce, etc. are huge factors as well.0 -
Farmerj2000 wrote: »Some folks are brutal. I think it's pretty amazing you are concerned about your daughters health. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. Instead of saying anything maybe suggest some new activities you can do together. Join a gym, signup for some dance classes. AND MFP! have you shared how supportive MFP can be. Maybe set some new fitness goals for yourself and get excited about it. Maybe it will rub off on her. Get her new BF involved.
I got her a gym membership, she was going initially an I was so excited and kept telling her I was so proud of her and how much fun it was to do it together. It only lasted for a short while then the excuses started, headaches, leg pain etc...... She never got back into it and she told me yesterday she wants me to cancel it. I hope she gets back on track....
Bolded. I understand being excited about someone doing what you want them to do, but when you keep telling her how excited you are, it gets annoying. You may not have said anything you felt was annoying or obnoxious, but it's easy to have your actions interpreted that way by someone who doesn't feel that excited.
Yes, how incredibly insulting of the mom to express excitement or pride to her daughter about her making better, healthier choices that will help her in life. Shame on you, mom.
I too have put in bold, something you said. The mom is not trying to get her daughter to 'do what she wants her to do', she is trying to help her improve her quality of life.0 -
I read some of other's post and some are spot on , some are harsh. Here is the thing, she is more than aware of her problem, otherwise she wouldn't be hiding it. In her mind she knows there is a problem and it probably consumes most of feelings and thought and makes her feel bad. Its normal as a concerned mother that you want the best for her, but when you bring it up, you are just bringing something up that she already knows, and it makes her feel worse. I am 24, and have struggled with my weight since I was a child, and ranged from 180-200 in highschool. When I began driving it was the same thing, it got worst when I stopped living with my mom and moved in with my bf. I think you need to "make a deal" with her of some sort, tell her you won't bring it up again, not mention or push if she agrees to go to counseling ON HER OWN, unless she tells you its ok for you to come in, but these issues are deep, diet and exercise aren't going to help, she might lose the weight, but she will end up gaining it back. I love that you are concerned for her, a lot moms are, but it comes off as superficial sometimes because they want us to be thin and beautiful like other girls, but other girls that don't have to work for it. Anyway, hope that helps.0
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I don't think you are being over bearing. You should be concerned. It seems that you and her are very close and you don't say anything that would hurt her or make her feel unloved or unwanted. Your daughter is developing very detrimental habits and you see that and you want to help her fix the problem. There is nothing wrong with that. My opinion is that you need to be gentle with her, but honest. Tell her you will always love her and be there for her and express that you are only trying to help. If you come off respectful and non-shaming, there shouldn't be any issues. No one wants to see their child balloon up to 400, 500 lbs. There are so many risks of obesity including heart disease, high blood pressure, strokes, diabetes, etc. The list could go on and on. I don't for one second believe that you want your daughter to be stick thin, I know you want her to be at a healthy weight. So I am unsure why people are beating up on you for showing concern. I think if your daughter got sick or became morbidly obese, later on in the future, you would kick yourself for 'Backing off'. As a mother, you have every right to express worry and concern.
Thank you for being so compassionate:) you are absolutely right:)0 -
NEWMEKELLIB wrote: »Trust in your self that you've raised a great person who is now an adult, who can make decisions for her/himself, everyone has a breaking point...eating covertly is a sign of shame or hiding because she/he already feels that its weird/wrong and has to hide to do it.
when he/she is ready to make a move or change they will do it. believe I am 24 , ive had binge / purge for years and I broke the cycle...but I had to come to a breaking point with myself ... luckily my parents werent pushy or weird about my weight, and never knew my disorder..they raised a great person who figured out thier own demons. I prevailed.
edited to add: your a great mom for having concern for your daughter... I hope she finds the help she needs...it will happen...
Good for you:) and thank you:)0 -
A lot of people post on here looking for validation for what they want to hear, and ignore the rest. You want to help her, you want to do something, and those seem to be the posts you're focusing on and listening to.
IMO, your daughter's issues are probably rooted in the trauma of the divorce & the death of her father.
Maybe instead of listening to the people who are just validating your 'right' to fix her, you need to listen to the people who have been there, done that.0 -
Back off
Leave her alone
She's an adult and it is none of your business
Your job is to tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is not to pick at her for being overweight
No clue why this is blocked and members have decided to click abuse on this member. What she's shared is the truth. 20 year old daughter is not 16 anymore..it's for her to make life decisions now. You may truly care but it's only her that can make the decision to change her habits.
As @rabbitjb shared... Love her up and make her feel accepted just as she is... try the opposite approach.. don't say ANYTHING about her body, weight, eating habits. Yes, tell her she's beautiful and you love her just as she is.
She's lost her father at a very young age and now has a Mother that cares but to your daughter it might not be coming across that way. If someone constantly brought up my eating, exercise, food choices etc. etc. I'd shut down too.0 -
I too was a closet eater, because my grandmother was constantly nitpicking me on my weight, on my habits, on what I ate, how much, where, when (meanwhile, insisting I eat entire cans of microwaved hash and Dinty Moore stew for dinner - 2x/3x what I should have been consuming at age 12).
Here I am, 50lbs overweight and I know the exact emotional drive that put me here, and that was her. Obsessive nagging leads right into it. If you attempt to confront or change her, you will only exacerbate the problem. She's an adult and will either grow out of it or grow tired of it, or address the emotional problems driving it.
But! It's great that you're concerned for her and that you want to help her, but if anything, approach it without her weight in mind. Worry about her emotional health. See how she's feeling, try to talk to her, maybe encourage therapy. That's a tough spot to be in, but pointing out her hidden containers and emotional eating will only make it worse.0 -
I get where people are coming from in saying you need to back off, but as a 20 year old, it actually helps when my mom is totally honest with me about my weight and the way I've been eating. I think it just depends on your daughter's personality. If she's not the type that will benefit from you saying she needs to do something, then you do need to back off a little bit. Overall, you need come from a place where you're concerned about her health, not how she looks; if you take on being more healthy as well and maybe challenge her to do the same with you, I bet she would respond.0
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All you can do is offer support. Don't pester her, don't confront her. Just offer her love and understanding. If you stop bringing it up she will soon come to a realization on her own if she wants to loose weight but if not you just need to give her support.0
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carliekitty wrote: »Anyone that tells you that they wish their mom put them on a diet has never had a mom that makes everything about your appearance! I agree with everyone else. My mom made me feel horrible when I was literally 10 lbs at most overweight! Take a breath and stop making it about what you want.
I do not and would never put my daughter down, this is not about looks, she is beautiful inside and out which I tell her all the time. This is about her health
A person can be beautiful on the outside even if overweight. Do you not see the words that you use on here are showing how you treat your daughter? I've bolded them so you can see how you wrote this out... she knows that you feel this.. Can you not love her right where she's at in life?
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Very sensitive topic. As a mum, it is hard to look the other way when we know there are health consequence. However, I agree with those who said your daughter needs to make the decision for herself to deal with her issues that goes beyond closet eating.0
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