Holiday turns into negative comments regarding my gym workouts/results. How would you respond?
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So yesterday my in-law questioned why I go to the gym since she sees no physical results in my appearance. I work out 3 times a week but have been in a mental rut and have not changed my eating so my appearance has not changed much.
That's what family and friends are there for - to lay it out bluntly, when we need to hear it.
Also....how does she know you're going to the gym at all?0 -
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If my MIL makes rude comments at every family visit, to the point where it's clearly an ongoing issue, I feel it's my husband's responsibility to say "Mom, you will disrespect my wife like that, I expect you to stop. If it happens again, we will leave immediately and celebrate future holidays with people who we can enjoy spending time with."
You are right, but as a male, I would need to know that you have this expectaion.0 -
A united front is great but the original post I was responding to said that it was the husband's responsibility to respond, not the DIL. If the MIL felt comfortable enough to make the obnoxious comment, not through her son but directly to her DIL, then there's no need to involve the son in the response.sgthaggard wrote: »
Yes I do. I just don't need my husband to speak on my behalf.sgthaggard wrote: »
What? If my MIL says something directly to me, I'm not going to use my husband as a go-between to respond. This has nothing to do with her husband - why put him in the middle?I wouldn't...it's your mother in law and it's the responsibility of your spouse...their child to respond not yours.
You obviously don't have one of those mother in laws.
It's not so much speaking on your behalf as presenting a united front. Often "those" MILs are trying to wedge in and have a pissing contest to prove they are still #1 woman in their son's life.....
OP might feel a whole lot better right now if (assuming he was in the room to do so) her husband had answered his mother with, "Well, I think ccam looks amazing, and she's really enjoying working out. I love seeing her so happy and healthy!"
If he feels like speaking up in support, hey, fantastic. But if the comment is made directly, I'm going to respond directly.
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I guess I would just say "You're entitled to your opinion...." and really struggle to not offer her a saucer of milk.0
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I would say prove them wrong! Next year come with some major changes! That'll shut them up! #howrude #getitgirl0
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You are right, but as a male, I would need to know that you have this expectaion.
It should be a given, if a member of your family, whether you are male or female, is intentionally harassing or instigating with a member of your immediate family, it's your responsibility to let them know it's inappropriate behavior, and you will not be forced to choose between your spouse/children and other family members.
Like I said, the previous poster obviously doesn't have one of "those" MILs, because "those" MILs do not stop after one comment or one conversation. They feel they are on a mission to destroy the marriage and get their son/daughter back "where they belong."
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I get the same exact schtick from my husband who prefers to watch TV over everything. Some people are haters and negative. Nevermind that we feel better, mentally and physically, with exercise, regardless of appearance changes. You also work out (my version) to vent frustrations and not go postal with the idiots of the world (like her). said with a smile.0
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I'd pretty much change the subject, and spend less time around her, probably. That's very poor of her. However, maybe what she says will bump you into newer and better efforts. I think that's the effect it would have on me. It would shake me out of my rut.So yesterday my in-law questioned why I go to the gym since she sees no physical results in my appearance. I work out 3 times a week but have been in a mental rut and have not changed my eating so my appearance has not changed much. I do have an increase in muscle strength and and gaining improvement in my recovery rates. Working my heart and lungs, etc. She thinks it's doing nothing and that I'm only there for the social aspect. I get in and get out so I'm not standing around socializing but I do like the people I work out with or around at the gym and enjoy their company. She still thinks I am wasting my money and was pretty negative regarding my appearance. I told her I am gaining benefits that you can not see outwardly but she wouldn't agree. How would you respond?
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Thanks everyone. Great advice and lots of laughs.
Yes I am older (I feel and probably act younger than I should 
), but I still agree with respecting my elders and she is of course my mother-in-law. Discussions with her usually turn into debates that keep me on my toes but I got frustrated yesterday where some of your answers would have been good replies. Sadly she has the mentality that people that work out are only doing it to lose weight and when they don't she feels like they are wasting time/money. I just remembered her comments about some co-workers last year that joined Curves (not my gym) and she did not notice any change in their appearance so her comments were very similar. I don't want to put her reasoning based on her age because my mother is older than her and a keeps physical knowing the benefits. I think it's just her mentality and I agree with a poster that said she just "doesn't get it". Guess even at my age it's hard for me to ignore people and move along so I put this post out there. I will use some of these replies next time. I shouldn't have to explain myself but I guess I wanted her to understand the benefits and maybe take a cue.
Honestly why do you have to reply or give a response thats anything more than a smile? Anything else is a wasye of time, she wont change her mind, as some people have pointed out its about her personality and she is provoking the situation. Why do you have to wnat her to do anything, spend your time better by reviewing your logging or working hard at the gym, which will give you results that speak for themselves. Do whats best for you.0 -
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If my MIL makes rude comments at every family visit, to the point where it's clearly an ongoing issue, I feel it's my husband's responsibility to say "Mom, you will disrespect my wife like that, I expect you to stop. If it happens again, we will leave immediately and celebrate future holidays with people who we can enjoy spending time with."
You are right, but as a male, I would need to know that you have this expectaion.
Oh, you're absolutely right!
That would clearly be a decision we'd have to arrive at together, but I would request that he deliver the news to his family.
Of course, in our marriage I'm the one who has to handle these things, since it's my family who acts like *kitten*.0 -
Again, yes I do have one of those MILs. I just deal with it a bit more directly.
You are right, but as a male, I would need to know that you have this expectaion.
It should be a given, if a member of your family, whether you are male or female, is intentionally harassing or instigating with a member of your immediate family, it's your responsibility to let them know it's inappropriate behavior, and you will not be forced to choose between your spouse/children and other family members.
Like I said, the previous poster obviously doesn't have one of "those" MILs, because "those" MILs do not stop after one comment or one conversation. They feel they are on a mission to destroy the marriage and get their son/daughter back "where they belong."
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I wouldn't...it's your mother in law and it's the responsibility of your spouse...their child to respond not yours.
Not when they in-law is talking directly to you in an insulting manner. I agree there should be some tact on how things are said, but I would let them know that there are more benefits than their perceived notion of what you should look like, and if that doesn't help with the conversation, then to mention that it really is none of her business either way on what she thinks the results are or the intentions on why you go. Sometimes you just gotta be blunt and tell them to mind their business.0 -
It's never too late for you to learn to set boundaries with people and then do it. You have a right to say no to negative comments about your appearance, choices and life. Life is precious and putting up with verbal attacks on your appearance is unacceptable. You can have a conversation with her in private. Tell her if she wants to continue having a relationship with you she will need to stop criticizing your appearance and putting down your choices, like to work out for instance. There is a book called boundaries that is very good. Great job taking care of yourself by working out.0
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So yesterday my in-law questioned why I go to the gym since she sees no physical results in my appearance. I work out 3 times a week but have been in a mental rut and have not changed my eating so my appearance has not changed much. I do have an increase in muscle strength and and gaining improvement in my recovery rates. Working my heart and lungs, etc. She thinks it's doing nothing and that I'm only there for the social aspect. I get in and get out so I'm not standing around socializing but I do like the people I work out with or around at the gym and enjoy their company. She still thinks I am wasting my money and was pretty negative regarding my appearance. I told her I am gaining benefits that you can not see outwardly but she wouldn't agree. How would you respond?
Just don't have this convo with her? If she brings it up just shrug it off and keep it simple. Something like "I just like it." And if she continues on, ignore her, change the subject or just come right out and say you don't want to talk to her about it.0 -
Well, there is this little thing called your health...?
Working out has a ton of benefits that have nothing to do with appearance.0 -
Spinn class will rid me of my concerns today. The one cardio class I take because you can lose yourself in there and pedal away your frustrations. Like some said, just use it to fuel my workouts and get back on task with my eating. Still doing it for myself, not proving anything to her. Thank goodness my side of the family is not like this, lol0
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Thanks everyone. Great advice and lots of laughs. Yes I am older (I feel and probably act younger than I should ), but I still agree with respecting my elders and she is of course my mother-in-law. Discussions with her usually turn into debates that keep me on my toes but I got frustrated yesterday where some of your answers would have been good replies. Sadly she has the mentality that people that work out are only doing it to lose weight and when they don't she feels like they are wasting time/money. I just remembered her comments about some co-workers last year that joined Curves (not my gym) and she did not notice any change in their appearance so her comments were very similar. I don't want to put her reasoning based on her age because my mother is older than her and a keeps physical knowing the benefits. I think it's just her mentality and I agree with a poster that said she just "doesn't get it". Guess even at my age it's hard for me to ignore people and move along so I put this post out there. I will use some of these replies next time. I shouldn't have to explain myself but I guess I wanted her to understand the benefits and maybe take a cue.
You seem to be used to debates with this person and also this time around she landed a blow that hurt a little (I say that because you said in your original post ... "i've been in a mental run lately"). This is the MIL dance for you. Want to change it up? Deflect her negative comments with kindness - "Interesting point of view! [pivot to a different topic]" If she were to continue to return to her judgements, "I can see that you have some really strong opinions [pivot]" But maybe you would miss the point/counterpoint that has become the norm.0 -
ErikThaRed wrote: »I wouldn't...it's your mother in law and it's the responsibility of your spouse...their child to respond not yours.
Not when they in-law is talking directly to you in an insulting manner. I agree there should be some tact on how things are said, but I would let them know that there are more benefits than their perceived notion of what you should look like, and if that doesn't help with the conversation, then to mention that it really is none of her business either way on what she thinks the results are or the intentions on why you go. Sometimes you just gotta be blunt and tell them to mind their business.
I feel this way too. She may be the spouse's mother, but both you and the MIL are adults, speaking to each other. I'd speak up for myself, personally...though I WOULD expect my spouse to back my feelings if it came to that. (In my case it rarely does - there's no question among all the members of the family that MIL has a big issue with control-via-demeaning...which is silly and gets old.)
When my MIL begins to spout her passive-aggressive nonsense, I smilingly put her in her place and gently let her know how gauche she's being. Even after 13 years this still surprises her (slow learner?) because the rest of the family is terrified of her. Not I. I mean what's she going to do, beat me up and take my lunch money?
For the little stuff, though, a look of "my goodness, are you REALLY that classless?" along with a quizzical smile and change of subject is probably plenty. If she won't let go at that point, that's when to directly state your case - not hysterically, not angrily, but directly. IMO.
An adult should be able to let another adult know that s/he has said something hurtful or inappropriate. JMO.
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Loving this post, so sorry though that you had to deal with the negative stuff. Do we have the same MIL? lol. Yesterday she caught me off guard and made some snarky comment about how "terrible" I looked, too skinny. "You're not going to lose anymore, are you?" That was after another family member said something positive. It didn't really hit me till I got home, wowza, what a negative witch. Fact is I feel great. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it did, for about one second. I'm not dwelling on it, just can't wait till this summer when I bike past her house and wave. That's who's she's always been and I know I won't change her. Haters gonna hate. She's the one that can barely walk up and down the steps.0
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Don't feel bad I got teased yesterday in front of everyone during Easter dinner if I need to go through the trash and scan barcodes...I just shook my head and responded, don't be jealous that I lost weight, I gotta do what I gotta do and I don't care what anyone thinks.0
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PeachyPlum wrote: »sgthaggard wrote: »
What? If my MIL says something directly to me, I'm not going to use my husband as a go-between to respond. This has nothing to do with her husband - why put him in the middle?I wouldn't...it's your mother in law and it's the responsibility of your spouse...their child to respond not yours.
You obviously don't have one of those mother in laws.
Yeah, it's two different issues. If my MIL makes one rude comment, I will handle my own business.
If my MIL makes rude comments at every family visit, to the point where it's clearly an ongoing issue, I feel it's my husband's responsibility to say "Mom, you will disrespect my wife like that, I expect you to stop. If it happens again, we will leave immediately and celebrate future holidays with people who we can enjoy spending time with."
That or a MIL like mine who doesn't like me so it doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, it has to come from her precious son before she will listen. Even then she still might ignore it.
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PeachyPlum wrote: »sgthaggard wrote: »
What? If my MIL says something directly to me, I'm not going to use my husband as a go-between to respond. This has nothing to do with her husband - why put him in the middle?I wouldn't...it's your mother in law and it's the responsibility of your spouse...their child to respond not yours.
You obviously don't have one of those mother in laws.
Yeah, it's two different issues. If my MIL makes one rude comment, I will handle my own business.
If my MIL makes rude comments at every family visit, to the point where it's clearly an ongoing issue, I feel it's my husband's responsibility to say "Mom, you will disrespect my wife like that, I expect you to stop. If it happens again, we will leave immediately and celebrate future holidays with people who we can enjoy spending time with."
That or a MIL like mine who doesn't like me so it doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, it has to come from her precious son before she will listen. Even then she still might ignore it.
Yep, if someone doesn't like you, s/he will find ways to not like what you're saying, no matter what it is.
But it still needs to be handled, either way. My MIL definitely isn't very fond of me, but then, she isn't fond of any of us terrible incubi who stole away her precious little darlings (the littlest darling is 44 years old). I won't change her, but I WILL stand up for myself...without acting aggressive or like an *kitten*. If someone is treating me badly, I have to handle it. Period. Just my viewpoint.
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ErikThaRed wrote: »I wouldn't...it's your mother in law and it's the responsibility of your spouse...their child to respond not yours.
Not when they in-law is talking directly to you in an insulting manner. I agree there should be some tact on how things are said, but I would let them know that there are more benefits than their perceived notion of what you should look like, and if that doesn't help with the conversation, then to mention that it really is none of her business either way on what she thinks the results are or the intentions on why you go. Sometimes you just gotta be blunt and tell them to mind their business.
I agree, when this happens then you have every right to respond directly. Then let your spouse know what happened so they can also address it with their parent later. (The latter is even more important if you were just struck speechless at the moment.)
In this particular situation, I second the suggestions to respond with either "none of your business" or "working out has more benefits than just weight loss". I wouldn't try to justify it beyond that.0 -
Tell her that you are sorry that you are upsetting her by doing something that makes you happy. Simple to the point and not rude.0
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So sorry you are going through this. your health and happiness are prioritized way beyond spending holiday time with this person. Part of this weight loss journey is in your head... Learning to love yourself more. Caring for and protecting yourself from manipulative or disrespectful people.0
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bottom line is that youre not doing this for anyone but you.
I would have smiled sweetly and changed the subject or walked away.0 -
Its your in-law so that makes it difficult to respond the way you would if it was a colleague or something... but I'm pretty sure if it were me, I'd make a joke about it and change the subject. If she were to continue on, then I'd be a bit more aggressive, and respond with, "While I appreciate your 'concern,' it makes me happy and I'm not sure why you're discouraging something that makes me happy..." and if she REALLY doesn't back off - then its time for you to just tell her its none of her business and walk away.0
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fanoula169 wrote: »Don't feel bad I got teased yesterday in front of everyone during Easter dinner if I need to go through the trash and scan barcodes...I just shook my head and responded, don't be jealous that I lost weight, I gotta do what I gotta do and I don't care what anyone thinks.
I get grief for this too. I just do what I need to, and let the others think what they will. *shakes head*
As for the MIL, your spouse should be dealing with this as well. If he can't curtail this sort of thing, you might start developing excuses why you won't be attending nearly as many family functions.0 -
Unbelievable person is either just a plain old *kitten* or jealous0
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Just ignore her. Easier said than done, I know, but seriously, it doesn't matter what she sees or doesn't see.0
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