My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

I think your husband knows what his issues are, it's just easier to beat you up emotionally than deal with any of it.

I had an abusive partner for 13 years, he constantly told me that I was worthless, fat, ugly and that no-one would ever want me. To this day no-one knows the full story of how he treated me except my current partner and even that has taken 5 years.

It's very easy for people to say, leave him, you can do better but it's your marriage. You have built a life and I understand that it is very difficult to imagine another life without him in it. Do you feel that if you leave him you have somehow failed? I know I did. I was also scared that the truth would come out about how our relationship really was and it was easier to stay.

The one thing I am not going to tell you to do is leave. It's a very easy thing to say and right now you sound convinced that you can save him somehow, make him change. In all honestly, you can't make him change. His behaviour towards you is not about you at all but whilst he's beating you down he feels better about himself, it's easier for him to blame you than to blame himself. You have to be ready to leave and build a life for yourself but please do believe that it is possible and people will support you, you don't have to move on alone.

Nothing about him will change. You need to lose weight for yourself, not for him. Him kicking you out has given you an opportunity, opened a door for you to be you. Use the time to discover who you are and where you want your life to be in a few years time. Can you really get there with him in your life?

In the last five years I trained, got a job, moved up the career ladder and created a far better home and life. Other than my weight issues I am happy, I have a future without being shouted out, called names, put down and made to feel worthless.

My ex partner moved on eventually, had another child and left me alone. You can live your own life too, when you are ready. I went back a couple of times, things just get worse. If he can't love you the way you are then he doesn't really love you at all but there are clearly people around you that do.

Keep on with the AA etc, they are about you and for you. Now you are with your parents you have more control over your own life, use that control to do things for you.

The first few steps have been made towards your future, keep climbing .

You need to work on bettering yourself, no drinking, continue AA and seeing professional help. Living with your parents is great. All of your friends and family wouldn't want to see you being treated that way, if they knew they would want you out of the marriage and away from this guy forever. I hope you don't have children with this man. Can you imagine how he would treat them, if he treats you this badly. You can't change a man to treat you with love and respect, either they do or don't. Yours doesn't. You would be smart to get out, stay out, and stay away from people like this. A relationship shouldn't be that hard. You say you have put so much time and effort into it, it shouldn't be that hard, You need to do what's best for you. This is a abusive relationship, and your parents know it, and obviously don't like him because they don't want you abused. I hope and pray you get out, stay out, and recognize the abuse right away from future realtionships and avoid it like the plague. You need to start doing things you like, not what someone else decided would be a good job for you. Reclaim your life for you, do things for you, never for someone's approval. I feel bad you have been treated like this. No one should ever.

ManagingIntake wrote: »

I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.

My cousin was married to an abusive man and we had no idea until she left him, we thought he was a great guy, the wedding was a fantastic party and he was always welcome to family events. But when we found out it didn't even occur to us to think she was cheeky for having the wedding presents we just supported her.

And later when we talked about it there were so many times we had all noticed something a little bit odd about their relationship and about how much she had changed, but had almost ignored ourselves and dismissed it. I bet your extended friends and extended family will be the same and once they have processed it go "well I never liked him anyway"!

ManagingIntake wrote: »

I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.

One thing you have to do (in my opinion) is forget about what everyone else is going to think. You know the truth. You know this is crazy how he treats you. You deserve better. People can think and say what they want. If they really care they will ask you what is wrong. You will find out who your real friends are, that is for sure. This is much easier said than done I realize that. Be strong for yourself, not everyone else.

herrspoons wrote: »

He's been doing it for years and he's not going to change. Kick the deadbeat out or live a life of misery. Your choice.

Strongly agree.

I just have to say, to keep things on the topic of health and weight, that it does NOT sound like an almost 6' tall woman weighing 188 would need to lose 40 pounds? I am having trouble perceiving you as severely overweight. I know that numbers don't tell the whole truth, but it sounds like eating healthy and exercising without a goal 'number' in mind might be a better step for you, once you get over the predominant issues of abuse that you are enduring. Prayers!

But I am too scared to leave him permanently. I hope someone on here understands.

Man, I read about this all the time. Women are so worried about security that they are willing to put up with the worst abuse to take the punishment of the pain they know rather than risk the fear of the unknown of leaving.

Don't do that!

You are in an abusive relationship. You do not need to endure that! You deserve respect! Do not let the fear of the unknown of being on your own hold you back from living the life that you deserve! You are a lawyer! You went through law school for Pete's sake!

Stay with your folks. Talk to that shrink. Take your life back.

A few things. Firstly you seem actually to be within a healthy range. Though-honestly I think that your weight is the very last most important thing to address here. I just wanted to say it.

Secondly-keep going to AA. Make friends. Meet people with stories that make you feel like you aren't alone. You aren't.

Thirdly-I know you don't want to admit it, but your marriage is a dangerous one. Please do all you can to get out of this situation. It does not sound like he's going to change.
SO YOU CHANGE!

You can absolutely turn it all around. I've seen others do it. I've done it myself.

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks everyone!

This is so hard for me right now I think I may have a nervous breakdown.

My boss is back at work and she is being really mean to me. I am her Associate and she relies on me to make a lot of money for her, but because I am still a new lawyer, I need some mentorship (she promised mentorship when she hired me and now she is just barking at me because she is upset she lost the election race).

I kindly asked her today for 10 minutes of her time to talk about a file and all she did was put me down.

Maybe there's just something really wrong with me. My self-esteem is waaaaay below zero.

I'm still staying at my parents house.

Yesterday was actually an okay day because my boss came back and just had a big staff meeting so the focus wasn't really on me. But now it is. I had a huge panic attack after talking to her this morning so I decided to take my lunch break to go to the pharmacy to get my anti-anxiety medication, because I was out. While I was at the pharmacy, she texted me "where the hell are you?". I texted back "my lunch break". And she texted "yeah, right. Can't you keep your priorities straight?".

I have a hunch she thinks I went out to get liquor, but I really didn't. I always felt she knew I was drinking. But I've stopped now. I'm trying so hard to get better but I keep feeling victim to the treatment I get.

I would never hurt myself because my mom would just die of sadness. But all I am thinking about right now is how much I want to die.

I wish my husband was the kind you could go home and run to. But that's not an option at this point either.

Sorry... bad day.

talk to your mom. moms can be the best friends in the world. don't let your boss get to u. can u look for a different job and get a fresh start there? u are new so it would be good to find someone who will truly teach u the ins and outs of an already stressful job. or, on the other hand have u been there long enough u can maybe take stress leave?

I am so sorry you are experiencing all of these stressors at the moment. It can be very difficult to stay on track when we feel depressed, anxious, or upset. A good frame of mind is key to motivate us to eat healthy and exercise. I have also experienced difficult circumstances in the past that have caused me to fall off the wagon, so I can somewhat relate. It helped me to speak with a therapist short-term to learn some positive coping skills when I was dealing with tough times. Those skills can help you the rest of your life, and I am very grateful for the help I received. I am certainly not saying you need mental help, so please do not be offended. I will send you a friend request, and I hope that I can be there for you if you need. Keep pushing forward and just take things one day at a time. You can do this!

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks glutenfreechic, I Google'd the power and control wheel and it almost describes everything! I want him to see it so he can see what I see. I actually went through and highlighted all the applicable items and the whole wheel looks yellow all over now.

He actually thinks, deep down, that he does not have any problems, he is justified for acting the way he does, and that I am the cause of his abuse. He refuses to admit that he has anger issues. I am doing everything in my power to get better, and in order to do som I had to determine I had a problem and I wanted to get better (intention).

I wish he would do the same.

Thanks also Gnulie for sharing your story. I don't want to be a victim of circumstances...

Everyone's comments are getting me through the day. Knowing that I have all these wonderful supporters really seems to help.

Managing, every time you post, you talk about fixing HIM. You can't. You shouldn't. You need to work on you. He will not change.

It sounds like you need to ditch the job. And how is you are in your profession such as yours, lawyers and/or bosses acting like that and the fact they are harassing you via text and will not talk to you about a "file"? If this is all true you should be proactive and start taking notes because you have a lawsuit on your own building with this job...

As for your husband, take it from me, the DO NOT change. Ever..

It's time to take inventory of your life and start being proactive. First, ditch the job and get a better one and keep your money to your self and find a place to live. Stay at your parents until you can get back on your feet financially and move out on your own.

Next it is divorce time. If all the descriptions and comments you made are indeed true and not inflated by your emotions, then you already know what to do.. its time to move the freak on.

You were strong enough at some point to get through law school and pass the bar?? Use your talents and schooling being a lawyer to assist you... you have something a lot us don't have or can't get access to being a lawyer..

Stop saying you want to die... What is this and where is this coming from? When I hear that I immediately say, please get her some intervention. If you indeed want to die, why post that to folks in cyber space. It makes me want to call 911 for you. I am not trying to be rude.. it makes me scared for people that are feeling hopeless to the point that this "thread" is happening.

Please work on getting some help.. You sound like a mess and in deed you need counseling and if no one has pointed this out by now (which they have), please start on this immediately. I do not think posting here everyday on how bad your days are is not a solution to your problems. It is time to be proactive.

I was hit one time too many.. I did not talk it out, and I did not walk out, I ran the holy **** out, with my bags in my hand and escort. Do the same..

Iv privately messaged u I understand wot ur going through and although it's hard I think ur b better off without him that's at least one step to happiness xx

Dod anyone identify the reasons why she cant leave beyond the obvious? Is it cultural?