My rock bottom... trying to get out :(
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ManagingIntake wrote: »Thanks again everyone. I am overwhelmed by how much support I am getting!
I had a nervous breakdown this morning but I'm breathing again now.
I'm sorry! You ARE doing all the right things right now, so just keep keeping on! You will have good days and bad. Those are expected. But you've survived this long. You will continue to survive and THRIVE.
I am overwhelmed by the responses on this thread. So heartfelt. So caring. Way too many of us having gone through similar things. Really glad you reached out here, Managingintake!0 -
Oh, and one more thing: you said you became a lawyer and didn't even want to. Do you know how amazing that is? I know of 2 people right now who have dreamt of becoming lawyers for a long time and both are on their 3rd attempts at passing the bar. Yet, you did it and it wasn't even your passion!
IDK, I just think that speaks volumes for your inner strength. To me, it seems like it has been screaming to get out and take charge and I hope you let it.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »Thanks again everyone. I am overwhelmed by how much support I am getting!
I had a nervous breakdown this morning but I'm breathing again now.
It's crazy people like your boss and your husband that give the sane people a nervous breakdown.0 -
Well, look at you! I see we have an update:
My Inspirations
My health
Myself (happiness)
The MFP community
My career
Fantastic!
(I should have checked this first and organized my thoughts before posting 3 separate posts - sorry.)0 -
Hi OP!
I kept getting memory jogs from your posts but couldn't put my finger on it; I just remembered now what all of this is reminding me of:
Even though I would never say I've been abused, I have an ex who was hugely narcissistic and I was saying to someone, "he makes me feel like I'm crazy and like either we are living two different realities or I have the worst memory ever" and she was like "yup gaslighting". I felt so much anxiety and depression over it, but the second I realized what was going on I was able to see the truth all over the place.
This is a bit long (bc it has a lot of details and examples) but if you set aside a little time and read through it, maybe it will seem familiar to you.
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/0 -
Hi OP!
I kept getting memory jogs from your posts but couldn't put my finger on it; I just remembered now what all of this is reminding me of:
Even though I would never say I've been abused, I have an ex who was hugely narcissistic and I was saying to someone, "he makes me feel like I'm crazy and like either we are living two different realities or I have the worst memory ever" and she was like "yup gaslighting". I felt so much anxiety and depression over it, but the second I realized what was going on I was able to see the truth all over the place.
This is a bit long (bc it has a lot of details and examples) but if you set aside a little time and read through it, maybe it will seem familiar to you.
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/
Very interesting! Thanks for posting.0 -
Uh. NEVER go back.A new (hard) start is better than a living hell.. LOSE the things that bring you down and eventually the weight will come off too. Look in the mirror and find things about yourself that you like... Get rid of the negative things in your life, ESPECIALLY HIM. He doesn't deserve you or any other human in his life for that matter. Someone that talks to you like that (or wants you to starve yourself) doesn't love you! Love yourself first and then you find someone who loves you the way it's meant to be.0
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I'm late and nor sure how you are doing, but although my ex didn't physically abuse me, he justified making profiles on hook up sites and porn because I gained weight. Regardless of the fact that we had two kids back to back with both being csections. Anyone who has ever had one knows how hard it is to get those muscles back toned if they ever go back. I have never been a small woman, but still. Emotionally he was very abusice. Told he he wasn't attracted to me anymore. It hurt, bad. Six years with someone, two children and for three of those years he was umemployed. He didn't cook, clean or anything. He had health issues and regardless of how he treated me, I was there. Every appt, everytime he needed me, I was there. Supposed him financially, spiritually, and emotionally. He tore me down. It was hard to get out. But, you become stronger each day. You start healing. There is no greater joy than having peace in your heart. You got this.0
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Hi OP!
I kept getting memory jogs from your posts but couldn't put my finger on it; I just remembered now what all of this is reminding me of:
Even though I would never say I've been abused, I have an ex who was hugely narcissistic and I was saying to someone, "he makes me feel like I'm crazy and like either we are living two different realities or I have the worst memory ever" and she was like "yup gaslighting". I felt so much anxiety and depression over it, but the second I realized what was going on I was able to see the truth all over the place.
This is a bit long (bc it has a lot of details and examples) but if you set aside a little time and read through it, maybe it will seem familiar to you.
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/
Very interesting! Thanks for posting.
It still amazes me how quick I was to accept that I was wrong, instead of having it ever occur to me that he might just be lying. I would be *so* confused and yet the thought never once crossed my mind. And I remember how much anxiety it caused me, how much every decision started to seem impossible to make and every little task seemed like it would be so hard. But that was just because I was doubting my own mind. And once I saw it, it stopped working.
I guess for most of us who are not sociopathic, it would never occur to us to do something like that so it doesn't occur to us that someone else would be doing it to us!
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Hello all my supportive friends. I am so happy that you have all shared your stories and have given me some great advice.
As I posted earlier, I had a nervous breakdown this morning (after an early morning "lawyers only" AA meeting).
Then my boss asked me out for lunch, which was weird, because she is never that nice and has been so mean to me and demanding. Although I admit my previous drinking may have affected the quality of my work, I was still doing my best and billing way over what a first year lawyer typically bills.
On top of my husband troubles, I have said many times on here that I really do not like my job (mostly because of my boss) and I never wanted to go to law school in the first place, but my husband forced me to.
Anyway, my boss took me to Denny's and after some small chat about some files I'm working on (I was trying to give as many details as I could so she could for once say, "thanks for all your hard work while I was trying to run for Office").
Instead, she fired me.
She said she can't afford me at the rate I am billing. She left for 3 months and expected me to do my work, her work, and without any Assistants because she took them all to help her with her campaign. It was literally impossible to carry her business as a first year lawyer and make all the money to pay out 6 salaries plus overhead. So it was more like a "lay off" she said, but it hurt so bad.
Now I have no job on top of everything that's going on. Part (a teeny weeny part) of me feels freed from her bossiness, but the whole of me thinking:
Now I lost:
- My husband (probably)
- My car from a car crash two weeks ago
- My job
- My health
- My sanity
- My life.
The only thing going for me is the fact I have been sober for 2 weeks. Something like getting fired would make me drink my self into a coma before, but somehow I am holding on with not drinking.
Still living with my parents.
Life's a *kitten* sometimes but why is this all happening at once?
I love each and every one of you and to be quite honest, this MFP community is where I flee to for support now. You all, and AA.
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Looks like both your husband and your boss demanded the impossible from you and succeeded in making you feel ashamed because you were not able to do the impossible...ManagingIntake wrote: »Hello all my supportive friends. I am so happy that you have all shared your stories and have given me some great advice.
As I posted earlier, I had a nervous breakdown this morning (after an early morning "lawyers only" AA meeting).
Then my boss asked me out for lunch, which was weird, because she is never that nice and has been so mean to me and demanding. Although I admit my previous drinking may have affected the quality of my work, I was still doing my best and billing way over what a first year lawyer typically bills.
On top of my husband troubles, I have said many times on here that I really do not like my job (mostly because of my boss) and I never wanted to go to law school in the first place, but my husband forced me to.
Anyway, my boss took me to Denny's and after some small chat about some files I'm working on (I was trying to give as many details as I could so she could for once say, "thanks for all your hard work while I was trying to run for Office").
Instead, she fired me.
She said she can't afford me at the rate I am billing. She left for 3 months and expected me to do my work, her work, and without any Assistants because she took them all to help her with her campaign. It was literally impossible to carry her business as a first year lawyer and make all the money to pay out 6 salaries plus overhead. So it was more like a "lay off" she said, but it hurt so bad.
Now I have no job on top of everything that's going on. Part (a teeny weeny part) of me feels freed from her bossiness, but the whole of me thinking:
Now I lost:
- My husband (probably)
- My car from a car crash two weeks ago
- My job
- My health
- My sanity
- My life.
The only thing going for me is the fact I have been sober for 2 weeks. Something like getting fired would make me drink my self into a coma before, but somehow I am holding on with not drinking.
Still living with my parents.
Life's a *kitten* sometimes but why is this all happening at once?
I love each and every one of you and to be quite honest, this MFP community is where I flee to for support now. You all, and AA.
I can't but see this as an opportunity for a total new start. However, you probably feel totally drained and scared and don't know where to start. Maybe you even feel angry because you started to make changes and now you got this set back.
Do you have any bonds with any other place? An aunt out of state who you trust? A sibling? A former summer job you can return to? Maybe you would enjoy a change of scene? You are free now.
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you are free now.
[/quote]
That s so true.You are free from all that pressure now and can take a bit of time out for yourself. In a years time you will look back at loosing your job as a blessing.Why stay in an abusive relationship and abusive job, life is just too short to be dealing with all that crap.
Good on yah for sharing your story, you are such a brave woman. Iam going to keep on checking in on you as a way to keep me using MFP.
Keep on rocking girl and think if all the post I've things in your life....your parents, every day Above ground and all your friends.
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I'm sorry to hear this, but it's not as ba as you think.
Now I lost:
- My husband (probably)
Why do you think hes worth keeping, everyone else thinks he's abusive and toxic for you, he will never change, but if you stay he will diminish your life and you only get one of those. There are kind people in the world and you are still young. You can still meet someone else, but getting away from him would be a blessing
What keeps you to him? He loves himself.
- My car from a car crash two weeks ago
Inconvenient, but its just a physical thing, you need to be valuing and focusing on yourself.
- My job
Again your boss and the position were very poor for you. make sure its terminated in the proper manner, but beyond that run. You are only an nq so you can still get a better job elsewhere with a decent employer. It would be worse for you if youd staed becayse youd ve unhappy and stressed.
- My health
It seems your poor health is as a direct result of the abuse you receive from your husband and the stress from your job. Those could be out of your life, so its a boon and good for you. The other thing is the drink which is symptomatic. You are making efforts to deal with that keep AA up. If all three of these are no longer part of your life then your health could return as you get to rips with things, less stress, less abuse, no alcohol would all increase your chance of being happy.
- My sanity
If you keep on top of the drink, then you will also benefit from reduced stress if you leave your husband and in a better place to cope withoyt stress, abuse and misery.
- My life.
See above on health. If you are in a better place you have more time to get back to being yourself and in control of your own life.0 -
Holy cr@p! I'll message you offline...0
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I want to believe this is all for good. Part of me feels freed from my horrible boss. But I've never been fired before and I'm scared it will ruin my reputation in the industry.
I will be able to sleep tonight a) because of exhaustion and pure depression that I can't even have the strength to keep my eyes open, but more importantly, b) because of all you loving MFP friends.
Thank you to each and every one of you.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »I want to believe this is all for good. Part of me feels freed from my horrible boss. But I've never been fired before and I'm scared it will ruin my reputation in the industry.
I will be able to sleep tonight a) because of exhaustion and pure depression that I can't even have the strength to keep my eyes open, but more importantly, b) because of all you loving MFP friends.
Thank you to each and every one of you.
If it's a layoff then it shouldn't effect your reputation in the industry. I was laid off and it was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. It gave me the jump start I needed to find a job that I am so much happier with.
In regards to one of your previous posts - You haven't lost your health, it will return now that you are nourishing your body, not drinking, and away from the toxic people in your life. You haven't lost your sanity, you are reaching out to people for help which means you are very very sane and actually in a pretty good place. You haven't lost your life, you are actually on the road to a much better, happier and fulfilling life. It's just hard to see that and think clearly right now with all the huge changes that are happening.
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You were laid off. That is what your boss told you and that is not a mark on your reputation. In fact, it is sometimes those at a higher salary who are let go to get the biggest relief. Give yourself some time and then be nicer to yourself.0
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So sorry you lost you job. Your boss has no class. You still have your health, right? And your sanity. Even though I was trying to be funny before, that doesn't mean that I don't think your situation isn't serious with your husband, if not dangerous. As Winston Churchill said..."When you are going through hell keep on going." You are on your way out. Try to see the light at the end of the tunnel.0
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ManagingIntake wrote: »Hello,
It's been about a month since I've been on MFP. Many of my friends de-friended me for lack of logging in. Others kept me on. And for those, I thank you.
I need to get some stuff out and I hope to find continued support on MFP while I try (again) to lose much weight. Some of my MFP friends know bits of what I've been through, but now I am so desperate for help and support, I need to divulge it all.
I am a new lawyer and the past few months have been the most depressing, anxiety-ridden months of my life. I have suffered with anxiety and depression before, but not like this. It's a culmination of many things, mostly my stressful job, my complete lack of confidence, the fact that I started drinking heavily every day, and my relationship with my husband.
I do not like my boss because she makes me feel like I am a failure. Which I am. I started drinking heavily, even during the day, and not doing my work as fast as I should have. She has been absent from the office for a couple of months as she tried to get into politics, but recently lost. She returns on Tuesday. I am so frightened I will be fired.
My husband has also never been the nicest guy. He is abusive verbally and physically. I have been with him 13 years. He puts me down a lot when I am not perfect for him (mostly my weight and my looks and when I don't agree with everything he says).
I started drinking almost every day about a year ago, more so in the past few months. I have become a depressed anxiety-ridden OCD alcoholic. I would drink about two "mickeys" of vodka a day, just to get rid of the pain and to get myself motivated to work. But, because alcohol is a depressant, I would end my nights crying and screaming in my car because I hate my life.
During this time I also gained about 35 pounds because of stress eating and drinking.
I have called the local distress center and the suicide prevention line at least a dozen times in the past three months.
I got in a car accident and lost my car two weeks ago (no, I was not drinking and driving).
I finally called an emergency line for lawyers and they set me up with a psychologist. Although I tried to implement the strategies she tried to teach me, I continued to drink my sorrows away, and not take my anti-depressants that my doctor prescribed me.
A couple weeks ago another lawyer in my office who is 6 years sober took me out for lunch and told me she knows I am drinking and said she would accompany me to AA. I felt horrible that I was obvious about this downfall, but agreed to go only because I would die otherwise... either by alcohol poisoning or suicide.
I have now been to three meetings, next one tomorrow, and have been sober for a week and one day.
My husband has continuously ridiculed me for my weight (I am 5'11'' 3/4 - almost 6'0" and I am now 188.8 lbs, but have yo-yo'd between 150 and 190). He has done so for years.
But today he saw my gut hanging out when I was folding laundry. He started to yell, calling me a fat f'ing pig (and many other names I don't wish to repeat), and forced me to go on the scale. He saw that I was 188.8 and he lost it. He screamed so loud he was spitting on me. He said he is trying not to hit me because my psychologist told him not to, so he yelled "IF I CAN'T HIT YOU THEN I'M GOING TO HIT MYSELF" and he started hitting himself in the head, all red in the face, and grabbed his own gut (he is very skinny right now) telling me to grab mine. He told me I needed to be so upset about my weight I should go to the kitchen and use a knife to cut off my fat.
Then he kicked me out. I am now at my parents house, broken.
He told me not to come back until I have lost 40 lbs. He said if I can't lose 5 lbs a week, then I am not trying hard enough.
I just thought I would share in case there are others out there whose spouses beat them up like this. I know some people may say "leave him!". But it's just not that easy. It really isn't.
My life has fallen apart. I am back on MFP and hopefully I will lose the weight I need to lose.
Thank you.
Congrats on your sobriety. Keep going to meetings go every day you can. If you are feeling sick without the alcohol go to a hospital. When you get your sobriety, you can make the bigger life decisions. good luck to you.0 -
Hi, I have not read everybody posts so will respond to the original post. You are obviously very intelligent to have such a good job. If you have to leave your job for now for health reasons then do it. You have the qualifications and education to find another one when your ready. It seems that you did not have your work/life balance right. Your personal health should be above your job and even your family as you are useless to both if your not happy and healthy (please make that a priority regardless of how long it takes). Well done on cutting out the drinking. I though you were trolling at first by how you described the way your husband treated you. Maybe you are hard to live with at the moment because of drinking/stress etc, but his reactions are unexcusable and say far more about him than it does you.0
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But saying that you have to take responsibility for marrying someone who is clearly a dickhead. Surely you knew he was such a *kitten* when you married him.-3
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I'm so sorry that you are going through this in your life. I'm not qualified to give you the help you need, but like others have said, keep going to your AA meetings and to your therapist. You will find strength to see that you are worthy of being treated better, treating yourself better, but you have to keep going. I know a lot of people who have been through substance abuse treatment, and the key is to just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time. But keep going.
As hard as it might be to imagine, please do not go back to your abusive husband. Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse are not expressions of love. You deserve LOVE, and what he is giving you is not love. It's easy for me to sit here and tell you not to worry about what your friends or family might think of him or you if you tell them what kind of life you've been living. But I want you to know this - if you're honest with your family and friends, tell them the truth about your life, your relationship with your husband, they might react in shock or disbelief at first, but they will not stop loving you, or love you any less for admitting the truth. In addition to AA and professional therapy, you also need to surround yourself with as many loving and supportive people as you can, to help you get through this period in your life. Like others have said, you deserve a better life, so live your life for YOU! You can do this!0 -
slideaway1 wrote: »But saying that you have to take responsibility for marrying someone who is clearly a dickhead. Surely you knew he was such a *kitten* when you married him.
Let's not victim blame, ok? Many abusers have skill at making themselves appear charming and wonderful until they feel secure enough in the relationship to be abusive. Of course we don't know the full story, but I'd give the OP the benefit of the doubt. She mentioned her parents were shocked to find out what he was doing to her. A person's true nature is not always obvious.
Also, maybe read all the comments next time... The OP was laid off yesterday. Probably a blessing in disguise as she can now look for a healthier work environment.
Good luck to you, OP. All of this happening at once is a great opportunity to completely change your life for the better.0 -
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I am too scared to get a divorce. That means half of my life is gone, just like that. [/quote]
Half of your life is ALREADY gone regardless of what you do in the future. And you can't get it back. Divorce is NOT the end of your life. You could have many happy days ahead of you doing what YOU want, and not being put down or abused.
I'm glad you are with your parents and getting counseling. Please keep going. You can do this. I hope you look to the future and want to make it a happy one. For yourself. Because you deserve it. Even if you don't believe it.
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slideaway1 wrote: »But saying that you have to take responsibility for marrying someone who is clearly a dickhead. Surely you knew he was such a *kitten* when you married him.
Feel better about yourself now for posting this? My God.0 -
slideaway1 wrote: »But saying that you have to take responsibility for marrying someone who is clearly a dickhead. Surely you knew he was such a *kitten* when you married him.
Feel better about yourself now for posting this? My God.
I agree with you, Palwithme.0 -
Thank you everyone who continues to provide me loving support on this thread.
What slideaway1 said... "But saying that you have to take responsibility for marrying someone who is clearly a dickhead. Surely you knew he was such a ***** when you married him." was a little hurtful as I would not have married my husband if I knew my life would be full of abuse.
But I did marry him and I have stayed with him for years even after the abuse started. I always kept/keep thinking he can change, because when he's nice and loving, I somehow "forgive" him for those bad times.
But the bad times are more than the good times now. I am still staying with my parents and haven't talked to him in days.
Yesterday I texted him (please don't get mad). All my text said was "I lost my husband and now I lost my job". I just needed to inform him that I lost my job and no longer have income. Or did I? I don't know... I felt he needed to know.
He texted back saying my boss is a b*t*h for letting me go. But then he sent me another text saying "I feel sorry for what happened to you, but until you start saying and doing the right things, I have nothing more to say".
Today I woke up and for a second I forgot I lost my job, but when I remembered, I was in disbelief. Nevertheless, I didn't drink anything (still sober since joining AA 2 weeks ago) and I didn't feel suicidal. Oddly enough, the suicidal thoughts have stopped since I stopped drinking. (As I mentioned before, I would never act on them because I would never want to hurt my parents by leaving this earth on my own terms).
This morning I also went to pick up my new car (slightly used, was a rent-a-car for about 8 months, 2014 Honda Accord). I had to get a new car because I lost my previous one in a car accident about a month ago.
A new car for a new start. I should have been so excited but my depression about everything that is going on kind of weighed down my, what should have been, excitement. Now that I lost my job, it's going to be harder to pay it off until I get a new job or Employment Insurance checks coming in. I have some savings, but I paid all the bills in our relationship while my husband's income went towards our savings for a down payment for a new house. We keep separate bank accounts but now I regret our set up of who paid for what.
I didn't text or call my husband to let him know I picked up my new car.
One thing I may not have mentioned, is my husband's elderly uncle lives with us (well, now just him). His uncle is on my side and doesn't believe my husband kicking me out what right, especially because I was (am) on my way to living a better, sober life. He told me that when I snuck back home to pack a suitcase when my husband was in the shower. He said he was going to try to talk to him and convince him that he needs help with anger management.
Yesterday morning (before I lost my job, which was around lunch time), I called my husband's uncle when I was having a very big panic attack. I just wanted to know if they have talked about things and what my husband was saying, if he was at all regretful or being hard on himself for being hard on me. His uncle said that my husband has been talking about our future as if it's still going to happen as planned. We were going to buy a new house next year, and apparently my husband is still talking about what kind of house he thinks we should look for. What kind of trips we are going to go on in my new car. Things we're going to do in the future....
I don't understand. I know I'm not there to see/listen to what my husband is doing, but how can he just act like this is nothing and everything is going to go back to normal? How is he not focusing on the fact that I am living with my parents because of him?? How does he not understand how serious this situation is on our relationship?
Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to provide and update and thank everyone again for their support.
I read each and every post/reply with full attention and I am internalizing everything everyone is saying. Trying to anyway. So many people have indicated that now is the time to focus on me, and a new start. My logical side agrees. My emotional side is taking time to catch up to that thought, but I'm trying.
All my stuff is still in my office at my (old) work. My degrees, my books, some personal items and pictures. My (former) boss indicated when she let me go that she wants me to meet her sometime next week to get my stuff out of my office (she took my keys away so she has to let me in) and discuss my client files with her so she knows where to take off. I am not looking forward to that meeting. My fellow colleagues seeing me clean out my office. Hopefully it can be after work hours so they don't see me.
I will also have to call the Employment Insurance people (after I get my Record of Employment from my boss) and the Law Society to indicate I am a "non-practicing lawyer" until I get my new job. All the lawyer databases have to be updated and referral agencies. Not looking forward to that.
I love you all. Your kind words of advice are what's keeping me going, one hour at a time.
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Congrats on the new car! 2014 is new in my book. I have lots of advice to give you but I am not an expert by any means in this matter so I am not going to say anything. But, I will tell you to try to talk to someone who does know how to handle these matters. Perhaps a lawyer for yourself. I would try and get the money back that you put on the house, for one.
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Which jurisdiction are you in?
Well done for keeping off the drink. That is your priority because thats the only hope of you being able to see things clearly and make better decisions.
Your husband is toxic for you on many levels, you need to look at a future without him. You have time to rebuild a much better life, where you cna be happy. He will never change and will continue to abuse you. Besides AA then coming to terms with this would be your priority imo. Look at what he does and that amounts to someone who is decidely unpleasant and doesnt care about you at all.
I wouldnt worry about your colleagues. No one knows what they really think but if your boss is as described then they will already know. I wouldnt worry about the files either as your boss hasnt given you time to do a clean handover. Its not for you to worry about if you have ceased employment and your notice period is up.0
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