You aren't always going to get support
Replies
-
As for support. I'd truly be lost without mfp.3
-
All very true - I am trying very hard to sneak it by my husband that I am trying to lose weight. I have learned the hard way that if I tell him, not only will he not support me, he will downright go into sabotage mode!
So, I am on a very secretive mission that includes rummaging through food packets, secretly weighing my food, working out recipes etc, just to get into the ballpark without being caught by the park keeper....
I know some will think I should just stand up for myself and say this is what I want to do etc.....but it damned difficult when you feeling snacky/stressed and he has brought all the stuff you like into the damned house! Discretion for me is the best course of action.....he doesn't think to present me with my favourite lemon cheesecake on my second day of 'dieting' if he doesn't know I am 'dieting'.........
PS. I have tried the direct route, in case you were wondering......so much bluddy hassle!! Caused more stress than it worth!
So why does he feel the need to do this? That sounds very bad.0 -
Far and few. I have more access to threads (even deleted ones) than most here and will tell you that majority of "I need motivation/support" threads are usually OP's looking to hook up with others. The ones you speak of are again not an issue of NON SUPPORT, but of disrespect and possible abuse. Don't confuse the two.atypicalsmith wrote: »
In a random sample of threads where people ask for motivation, the OP's report: that their husband is verbally and physically abusive, especially about weight; they are isolated and stressed at work; that they are angry at themselves; that their husband is making fun of their food choices; that they are shamed for eating a different meal from the rest of the family.
Maybe you're just avoiding the threads where people talk about these things, and that's fine. You don't have to have empthy for people and no one is required to offer their support to strangers on the internet. But this kind of self-congratulatory thread where people cheer on the telling of a 'harsh truth' is simply mean.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
5 -
And you're doing it right!Interesting post. I feel as though I'm really on this journey by myself. I may get a few high fives along the way and then a few "don't hurt yourself or loose too much weight", but honestly most of it goes in one ear and out the other.
My husband has become more attentive for whatever reason, but he's also one of the "don't hurt yourself" groupies. I just tune them all out at this point. If he thinks I look nice then that's a bonus, whether he approves of how I got there or not doesn't matter that much to me.
Long story short, this is for me!!!
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0 -
Far and few. I have more access to threads (even deleted ones) than most here and will tell you that majority of "I need motivation/support" threads are usually OP's looking to hook up with others. The ones you speak of are again not an issue of NON SUPPORT, but of disrespect and possible abuse. Don't confuse the two.atypicalsmith wrote: »
In a random sample of threads where people ask for motivation, the OP's report: that their husband is verbally and physically abusive, especially about weight; they are isolated and stressed at work; that they are angry at themselves; that their husband is making fun of their food choices; that they are shamed for eating a different meal from the rest of the family.
Maybe you're just avoiding the threads where people talk about these things, and that's fine. You don't have to have empthy for people and no one is required to offer their support to strangers on the internet. But this kind of self-congratulatory thread where people cheer on the telling of a 'harsh truth' is simply mean.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yup, HUGE difference between the abuse threads and the "My husband doesn't support me because he wanted pizza instead of my tofu and quinoa casserole for dinner, why does he want to sabotage me???" posts.4 -
This content has been removed.
-
0 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Yup, HUGE difference between the abuse threads and the "My husband doesn't support me because he wanted pizza instead of my tofu and quinoa casserole for dinner, why does he want to sabotage me???" posts.
Agreed. Real abuse happens and it's awful. But someone eating what they want isn't abuse or sabotage. Just 'cause they eat it / bring it into the house / eat in front of you / cook it for you / offer you some doesn't mean you have to eat it. Adults are responsible for their own decisions and actions.3 -
Well unless they are talking about you.atypicalsmith wrote: »
In a random sample of threads where people ask for motivation, the OP's report: that their husband is verbally and physically abusive, especially about weight; they are isolated and stressed at work; that they are angry at themselves; that their husband is making fun of their food choices; that they are shamed for eating a different meal from the rest of the family.
Maybe you're just avoiding the threads where people talk about these things, and that's fine. You don't have to have empthy for people and no one is required to offer their support to strangers on the internet. But this kind of self-congratulatory thread where people cheer on the telling of a 'harsh truth' is simply mean.
That isn't very common at all on here. And a couple of the few times I have seen it, after pages and pages of digging information out of the OP we come to find out that it's a matter of perception or that we aren't being told the whole story. It's easy for someone to come out here and say "My partner is mean to me" and then a group of people that feel it's their duty to be supportive will be quick to yell "he's a jerk!!!" without even knowing the whole story.
I kid bro.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
1 -
mamapeach910 wrote: »mamapeach910 wrote: »Yup. I never get the "I need motivation, please" requests at all.
None of us are children any more. We don't need mom and dad to give us a little push to step out and do something for ourselves.
Adults take responsibility and take action. If they can't find the motivation themselves for taking that action, they're not ready to play the game.
Well if it's really a game a lot of those are played in teams...
Just because you may not have people who are interested doesn't mean you shouldn't seek out like minded people if that's your cup of tea. IMO that's a marker of an adult - to realize what they need and go out and get it
Nice attempt to play a word game and stray from the point.
Weight loss is an individual journey. We might all be doing the same thing, but each person's issue with food is different from the next person's.
How can someone else motivate you? That's not going to see you through when a pan of brownies is in your kitchen calling your name.
I'm sorry, I think people asking other people to motivate them don't have their head in the game.
If you're seeking an external locus of control your whole life, you're not a grown up yet.
There's also a difference between support and motivation. I guess if you want support from people also losing weight with attaboys and stuff like that, you can find it here... but... looking for the wherewithal to get down to it and just do it in the first place?
That's an inside job.
Ah, I gotcha. To me support and motivation go hand in hand and I don't really see the difference. It's more like semantics to me. Lots of people succeed at losing weight even though they may mentally need help from someone else to get up and get moving. To lose weight, all you have to do is eat less than you burn - however that can happen, right? I completely agree that if you don't have someone in real life to help with this, it's up to you to pull up your big girl britches and get it done. I just didn't want people to read that and feel like there's anything wrong with reaching out for help if they feel it would make them more successful
And I've read plenty of tips from "motivating" friends and foes alike that would definitely help me resist the pan of brownies...
3 -
This content has been removed.
-
Sabotage means to me, stopping me to getting to my goal or keeping to my plan by obstruction, destruction, distraction, temptation and/or exploiting my weaknesses.....
I once asked him why he had brought cheesecake and tiramisu in when I just started a 'diet'....His answer, 'You need a treat, I thought you would like it...'
The smiling assassin!
Why??? I haven't a clue!!!!
1 -
Oh yes, totally agree with the top few posts on top of mine. He can eat what he wants etc...but..ermm...maybe bring his fave foods in , not mine, and don't hand them to me on a plate in the evening after dinner when watching telly......so much harder to resist then......
But yes, my choice....but sigh,...the hassle and the atmosphere of refusing a pud bought especially with you in you mind ??????
It can ruin an evening.....and no, I don't know why...........2 -
Sabotage means to me, stopping me to getting to my goal or keeping to my plan by obstruction, destruction, distraction, temptation and/or exploiting my weaknesses.....
I once asked him why he had brought cheesecake and tiramisu in when I just started a 'diet'....His answer, 'You need a treat, I thought you would like it...'
The smiling assassin!
Why??? I haven't a clue!!!!
I don't think this is always "sabotage." For better or worse, many people do think of food as love. If a family member sees you hungry, s/he may continue to offer you food...whether you're dieting or not.
It's not really the correct thing to do, I guess, but OTOH it's not necessarily the person lurking in the shadows just waiting for the opportunity to see you fail or anything like that.
2 -
Oh yes, totally agree with the top few posts on top of mine. He can eat what he wants etc...but..ermm...maybe bring his fave foods in , not mine, and don't hand them to me on a plate in the evening after dinner when watching telly......so much harder to resist then......
But yes, my choice....but sigh,...the hassle and the atmosphere of refusing a pud bought especially with you in you mind ??????
It can ruin an evening.....and no, I don't know why...........
Flex that willpower! I swear it gets easier the longer you refuse things!
1 -
Sabotage means to me, stopping me to getting to my goal or keeping to my plan by obstruction, destruction, distraction, temptation and/or exploiting my weaknesses.....
I once asked him why he had brought cheesecake and tiramisu in when I just started a 'diet'....His answer, 'You need a treat, I thought you would like it...'
The smiling assassin!
Why??? I haven't a clue!!!!
I don't think this is always "sabotage." For better or worse, many people do think of food as love. If a family member sees you hungry, s/he may continue to offer you food...whether you're dieting or not.
It's not really the correct thing to do, I guess, but OTOH it's not necessarily the person lurking in the shadows just waiting for the opportunity to see you fail or anything like that.
So true, you should see the look of almost heartbreak on my husbands face if i knock back something he's cooked for me.
He always says "This is how I show my love for you". Food is obviously more important to him then it is for me. I've never associated food with love.
1 -
Oh yes, totally agree with the top few posts on top of mine. He can eat what he wants etc...but..ermm...maybe bring his fave foods in , not mine, and don't hand them to me on a plate in the evening after dinner when watching telly......so much harder to resist then......
But yes, my choice....but sigh,...the hassle and the atmosphere of refusing a pud bought especially with you in you mind ??????
It can ruin an evening.....and no, I don't know why...........
This bothered me too in the beginning about my husband (who, yes, is very, very overweight). I would think, "It's so unfair that he can eat like that, but I can't." I would want to dive for the food he was eating. But then I realized: I could eat like that too...and stay overweight.
I chose not to eat like that, and I am losing weight. He chooses to continue to eat like that - including in front of me - and to remain very overweight. There's no "fair" or "unfair" about it, and I can, at any time, make the choice to join on in. I don't make that choice, because I don't want the result he has. He isn't bothered by the result he has, and as an adult, he is allowed to decide that. He isn't trying to "sabotage" me and he isn't being "non-supportive." When it comes to HIS mouth and HIS stomach, that's not about me, period. It's about him. It's kind of narcissistic (I feel) to believe that if people don't change things that affect their bodies, that means they don't care about us. It doesn't have anything to do with us. It has to do with them.
7 -
People are handing you food and stuff that you used to eat that made you happy in their eyes. They like seeing you happy. Lots of times it's not really really intentional, especially if they truly know how serious you really are, but just a gesture they are used to doing.
If he brought you cake before and brings it again, it's just a habit.
If he brings you cake, but NEVER did before...........................well.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition 5 -
This is all very true. When I have attempted to lose weight in the past, I used to tell everyone around me just to hear them say they could tell I had lost weight. I was hinting for it. I wanted to have that support, and I'd get disappointed if I didn't get it. Each time, I failed because my focus was turned around backwards. Instead of outwardly, I needed to look inwardly for the emotionally support. I need to look at myself in the mirror and know that I can bring myself to a place where I'm healthier. I'm the only one who can do that. Step one to changing your lifestyle is to realize the power to both fail and succeed lies solely with yourself.3
-
Gotcha!!! all of you.....you make the point. He not doing it deliberately but out of something else......even if I tell him not to.....like 'oh no, you mustn't. truly, you mustn't...oh go on then........if you must!'
NomNomNomNom.......your fault I am fat!
Ps. Have to say, I get more treats when I say I am on a 'diet'......1 -
Gotcha!!! all of you.....you make the point. He not doing it deliberately but out of something else......even if I tell him not to.....like 'oh no, you mustn't. truly, you mustn't...oh go on then........if you must!'
NomNomNomNom.......your fault I am fat!
Ps. Have to say, I get more treats when I say I am on a 'diet'......
what!!??? I have No idea what it is you're trying to say :huh:
0 -
christinev297 wrote: »Gotcha!!! all of you.....you make the point. He not doing it deliberately but out of something else......even if I tell him not to.....like 'oh no, you mustn't. truly, you mustn't...oh go on then........if you must!'
NomNomNomNom.......your fault I am fat!
Ps. Have to say, I get more treats when I say I am on a 'diet'......
what!!??? I have No idea what it is you're trying to say :huh:
She's describing the progression of the conversation when she turns down the treats. He keeps insisting she has them and it wears her down to the point that she eats it. And then blames him for being fat. Said exchange and feeding appears to happen more when she makes it known that she's on a diet hence it seems to work best to just hide this fact...
4 -
I say a MAJOR talk to is in order. And I guess maybe reassure him about your boobs? Boobs seem to matter to a lot of people.1
-
Actually I find that refreshing. Support from family and friends can be stifling, can make you feel like you're doing it for them, not you, and can make you feel self conscious. Just do it for you, and maybe they'll notice or comment, maybe they won't, but it's up to them to live their own lives and up to you to do what's right for yours.
This is how I feel too. My friends and family are great, and if I asked them for a pep talk, they would try to help me. But I don't usually do that, I like that they trust in me to do what's good for myself, and don't interfere too much. When I feel like I'm struggling, I am more likely to turn to MFP... some people will offer emotional support, some will offer good advice, some will offer a blunt wake-up call, and usually somewhere in the mix of all this, I find what I need :-)1 -
I don't expect them to care or be supportive, but I do get tired of "friends" and family who persist in efforts to derail my diet - you can have just one, baby, - or forget about the diet for one night...
It is also hard to be in a household of people who don't give a flip about how much goes in their mouth or what, and I happen to be the cook. I often end up preparing a separate meal for me and try to ignore the smells of temptation! If anything, it does get me to grit my teeth and be more determined than ever.
1 -
Cooking separate meals is probably where I'd draw the line. We all eat the same thing. It's just that now my serving sizes are alot smaller than they used to be3
-
This content has been removed.
-
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear so many people to not get support from the people around them. I guess that is the magic of MFP right? It also makes me that much more appreciative of my own better half for being so interested and supportive in my weight loss goals. I tend to get annoyed when he gives me that look when I reach for the bread or asks me how I'm doing with my calorie totals before doing a Menchies run... And it is still annoying but it also shows he cares.1
-
You probably don't have to make that much a different of a meal. Maybe supply it more with vegetables, salad, etc. but just take a bit of the main course you make for the family.I don't expect them to care or be supportive, but I do get tired of "friends" and family who persist in efforts to derail my diet - you can have just one, baby, - or forget about the diet for one night...
It is also hard to be in a household of people who don't give a flip about how much goes in their mouth or what, and I happen to be the cook. I often end up preparing a separate meal for me and try to ignore the smells of temptation! If anything, it does get me to grit my teeth and be more determined than ever.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition 0 -
I don't expect them to care or be supportive, but I do get tired of "friends" and family who persist in efforts to derail my diet - you can have just one, baby, - or forget about the diet for one night...
It is also hard to be in a household of people who don't give a flip about how much goes in their mouth or what, and I happen to be the cook. I often end up preparing a separate meal for me and try to ignore the smells of temptation! If anything, it does get me to grit my teeth and be more determined than ever.
Maybe make a healthy meal suitable for everyone and tell them if they want something else to make it themselves!
5
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.3K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 424 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions