You aren't always going to get support
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ogmomma2012 wrote: »I don't expect them to care or be supportive, but I do get tired of "friends" and family who persist in efforts to derail my diet - you can have just one, baby, - or forget about the diet for one night...
It is also hard to be in a household of people who don't give a flip about how much goes in their mouth or what, and I happen to be the cook. I often end up preparing a separate meal for me and try to ignore the smells of temptation! If anything, it does get me to grit my teeth and be more determined than ever.
Maybe make a healthy meal suitable for everyone and tell them if they want something else to make it themselves!
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Or better yet, let them know about the nearest restaurants down the street. Compromise does have to happen when it comes to food (it's the one thing that ALL of us need) and it can't be all one sided. I've made stuff that my DD thought, "Ew dad, that doesn't look that tasty." (she's 10), but I let her know that if she doesn't want it, she's more than welcome to not eat. It doesn't last very long. She's now learned that stuff that doesn't look that good, still tastes great. She wasn't sure about sushi either, but now she ALWAYS wants to go out and eat it.ogmomma2012 wrote: »I don't expect them to care or be supportive, but I do get tired of "friends" and family who persist in efforts to derail my diet - you can have just one, baby, - or forget about the diet for one night...
It is also hard to be in a household of people who don't give a flip about how much goes in their mouth or what, and I happen to be the cook. I often end up preparing a separate meal for me and try to ignore the smells of temptation! If anything, it does get me to grit my teeth and be more determined than ever.
Maybe make a healthy meal suitable for everyone and tell them if they want something else to make it themselves!
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Are you telling me they might be sabotaging me?! :noway:0
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You can find people who care, if you need them, because they are on the same quest and band together (online or in person) to support each other. Some people are really good self starters and self motivators... I am. Some people, like my husband, really need the social support to stick with a difficult program. I provide the support here at home, and we've got a friend in the Army who went through the hard work to reshape his body and is a really good pal for him and a good example. People have different psychological make-up; I believe that anyone can find a way once they understand themselves in this way.3
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My husband is super supportive of my weightloss journey as he is into fitness and health, and my daughter who is nearly 14 is a vegetarian (who eats seafood) and she is supportive too. I do however need to motivate myself and surround myself with motivated people.0
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Yes, you can find people that have the same interests and goals. You can also find groups that are a very positive influence.You can find people who care, if you need them, because they are on the same quest and band together (online or in person) to support each other. Some people are really good self starters and self motivators... I am. Some people, like my husband, really need the social support to stick with a difficult program. I provide the support here at home, and we've got a friend in the Army who went through the hard work to reshape his body and is a really good pal for him and a good example. People have different psychological make-up; I believe that anyone can find a way once they understand themselves in this way.
Just saying that sometimes, the people that you care about the most, may not have any interest in your endeavor or weight loss. And that shouldn't be saddening or a reason to give up or quit.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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You can find people who care, if you need them, because they are on the same quest and band together (online or in person) to support each other. Some people are really good self starters and self motivators... I am. Some people, like my husband, really need the social support to stick with a difficult program. I provide the support here at home, and we've got a friend in the Army who went through the hard work to reshape his body and is a really good pal for him and a good example. People have different psychological make-up; I believe that anyone can find a way once they understand themselves in this way.
Yup!0 -
Yes, you can find people that have the same interests and goals. You can also find groups that are a very positive influence.You can find people who care, if you need them, because they are on the same quest and band together (online or in person) to support each other. Some people are really good self starters and self motivators... I am. Some people, like my husband, really need the social support to stick with a difficult program. I provide the support here at home, and we've got a friend in the Army who went through the hard work to reshape his body and is a really good pal for him and a good example. People have different psychological make-up; I believe that anyone can find a way once they understand themselves in this way.
Just saying that sometimes, the people that you care about the most, may not have any interest in your endeavor or weight loss. And that shouldn't be saddening or a reason to give up or quit.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Family is often the last group of people you should look to for support in making changes lol. If they are set in their ways, they won't even understand. I think they sometimes attempt to sabotage fitness attempts because some part of them believes that you will become a different person, not the same old son/daughter/etc they have known all these years. The change scares them so they try to get in the way of it. Therefore, if you are a person who needs social support when making changes, there's a good chance you'll need to meet new people for the purpose.
I am very grateful that my husband appreciates my improved fitness and is on board with lower cal/higher nutrition cooking. At first he was concerned that our food would be unsatisfying and crappy tasting, but it didn't take me long to dispel that notion. I am a good cook.
I've introduced new flavors (and methods) that taste even better and provide more satiety than our previous foods. If hubby were a hide bound meat and potatoes, veggie hating guy, then each of us would have to cook our own stuff separately. I could do it, but it would kind of suck. My ex was absolutely not on board with any health improving behaviors. He's off by himself now eating icky things and looking much older than his real age while Phil and I get healthier. *laughs* But now I am kind of off topic.
I primarily get *my* motivation out of the mirror and closet. Secondarily I enjoy feeling better and not having all that leg chafing and foot pain and all those aggravations. The blood sugar thing entered the game a bit later. It will certainly be an important reason not to backslide.2 -
I don't expect them to care or be supportive, but I do get tired of "friends" and family who persist in efforts to derail my diet - you can have just one, baby, - or forget about the diet for one night...
It is also hard to be in a household of people who don't give a flip about how much goes in their mouth or what, and I happen to be the cook. I often end up preparing a separate meal for me and try to ignore the smells of temptation! If anything, it does get me to grit my teeth and be more determined than ever.
You're a better person than me I refuse to make more than one meal for my household. Some nights our dinners are healthier than others. On the nights that they aren't I just eat a smaller portion or I make extra side veggies for it.
In general I don't look for motivation in other people or support from others IRL. All of my family is over weight and so is my husbands. Any time I eat better and bring it up or mention weight loss they instantly call it a diet and get a tone and make remarks if I turn down junk foods at their homes or fast food.
I don't bring up what I'm trying to do anymore. Also my husband isn't supportive. I don't expect support in the form of him not eating certain foods or constantly being my cheerleader. But he makes remarks about my weight or progress when hes mad at me and its just not ok. I'd rather everyone bury their heads in the sand and pretend I'm not losing.
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shawnaes91 wrote: »You're a better person than me I refuse to make more than one meal for my household. Some nights our dinners are healthier than others. On the nights that they aren't I just eat a smaller portion or I make extra side veggies for it.
In general I don't look for motivation in other people or support from others IRL. All of my family is over weight and so is my husbands. Any time I eat better and bring it up or mention weight loss they instantly call it a diet and get a tone and make remarks if I turn down junk foods at their homes or fast food.
I don't bring up what I'm trying to do anymore. Also my husband isn't supportive. I don't expect support in the form of him not eating certain foods or constantly being my cheerleader. But he makes remarks about my weight or progress when hes mad at me and its just not ok. I'd rather everyone bury their heads in the sand and pretend I'm not losing.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. My ex-husband was constantly trying to make me gain weight so that I would look like him and his family. Little did he know that quitting smoking ultimately did it (this happened five years after our divorce). But now I'm finally losing weight and thank goodness he's not anywhere near!1 -
I don't expect for anyone to do as I do, but if my OH made it clear that he does not *care* about my health and wellbeing then I'd seriously question if I was in the right relationship.4
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Not needing the support of people in any of my endeavors makes me able to appreciate the people who do support me. If I am whole all by myself, I can't be diminished by solitude.4
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shawnaes91 wrote: »I don't expect them to care or be supportive, but I do get tired of "friends" and family who persist in efforts to derail my diet - you can have just one, baby, - or forget about the diet for one night...
It is also hard to be in a household of people who don't give a flip about how much goes in their mouth or what, and I happen to be the cook. I often end up preparing a separate meal for me and try to ignore the smells of temptation! If anything, it does get me to grit my teeth and be more determined than ever.
You're a better person than me I refuse to make more than one meal for my household. Some nights our dinners are healthier than others. On the nights that they aren't I just eat a smaller portion or I make extra side veggies for it.
In general I don't look for motivation in other people or support from others IRL. All of my family is over weight and so is my husbands. Any time I eat better and bring it up or mention weight loss they instantly call it a diet and get a tone and make remarks if I turn down junk foods at their homes or fast food.
I don't bring up what I'm trying to do anymore. Also my husband isn't supportive. I don't expect support in the form of him not eating certain foods or constantly being my cheerleader. But he makes remarks about my weight or progress when hes mad at me and its just not ok. I'd rather everyone bury their heads in the sand and pretend I'm not losing.
sorry, but all of that sounds like a horrible situation to be in
I don't know what else to say other than I hope you're taking care of you xx
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I think there is a difference between people who want a bit of support and people who want to moan like they are special snowflakes and everyone should feel sorry for them.
If someone posts saying something along the lines of 'Oh GOD I just binged. I feel terrible. I shouldn't have done that, i'm going to go for a run, i can't let this beat me!' I'd be all 'Hell YEAH, you go Glen Cocoa!'
But people who post 'OMG, I can't lose weight, i've tried so hard, I just have a lower metabolism than all of you/I've been busting a gut and walking 30 minutes a day (etc.)' or those who moan about not being able to lose weight but they aren't following the basics such as weighing food and logging food, they really annoy me. I will advise, and if they take that advice then awesome, but if they are of the type (that we do see quite often) who are refusing to take the advice and still play the special snowflake card, then i'm sorry; i'm not wasting my time.
I like the groups here on MFP-If people want support, i would much more recommend them joining one of those than posting a thread in the main forums, as you are just leaving yourself open to the trolls (which when you genuinely need support is very disheartening). I personally find that having someone to talk to really helps, but i have a MFP buddy that i message every day for that. Otherwise i don't mention it to friends or family or talk about it no matter how proud i am of how much i've lost or my achievements. I'm not the centre of their universe so why should they care?0 -
As mentioned above the difference between inner and outer motivation/drive.
IMO, there's a huge difference between expecting or demanding support and wishing for it. Entitlement is a turn-off for me (long story).
Some people really are energy vampires, constantly wants validation for destructive behaviors.
When people show that they own their problems, attempting to do something by themselves and not expect other people to fix it...I more than happily show support
This is part to protect myself, because I'm the sort of person who takes too much responsibility. So having healthy boundaries is part of being a happy person
I like the idiom: «It is what it is». Sometimes just accepting that something sucks and that the outocome is truly out of your control...is the road to sanity.
TL;DR I can't change other people, I can only change myself and how I deal with things.
EDIT: For those who feel they want more support. At the end of the day, you can't force empathy. Be your own best friend and you'll have a very reliable source for support.5 -
christinev297 wrote: »shawnaes91 wrote: »I don't expect them to care or be supportive, but I do get tired of "friends" and family who persist in efforts to derail my diet - you can have just one, baby, - or forget about the diet for one night...
It is also hard to be in a household of people who don't give a flip about how much goes in their mouth or what, and I happen to be the cook. I often end up preparing a separate meal for me and try to ignore the smells of temptation! If anything, it does get me to grit my teeth and be more determined than ever.
You're a better person than me I refuse to make more than one meal for my household. Some nights our dinners are healthier than others. On the nights that they aren't I just eat a smaller portion or I make extra side veggies for it.
In general I don't look for motivation in other people or support from others IRL. All of my family is over weight and so is my husbands. Any time I eat better and bring it up or mention weight loss they instantly call it a diet and get a tone and make remarks if I turn down junk foods at their homes or fast food.
I don't bring up what I'm trying to do anymore. Also my husband isn't supportive. I don't expect support in the form of him not eating certain foods or constantly being my cheerleader. But he makes remarks about my weight or progress when hes mad at me and its just not ok. I'd rather everyone bury their heads in the sand and pretend I'm not losing.
sorry, but all of that sounds like a horrible situation to be in
I don't know what else to say other than I hope you're taking care of you xx
Its not the greatest. I know I can leave at anytime but I am trying to make things work on my end. I'm very clear that if he doesn't start trying then I'm done. I'm just waiting to see if hes going to make the change or not.
But mostly my kids are my motivation to keep losing. I don't want diabetes like my mother. I had gestational diabetes and that was enough to scare me.3 -
Forgot to say. That I think sometimes people perceive lack of support as not getting feedback they want to hear.
Depending on how the message is delivered and respect: Sometimes, tough love is caring.
Edit. replaced mistake with perceive.1 -
For those who feel that family, spouse, friends, co workers, etc., don't support you, they more than likely aren't interested in your own quest to improve your health, fitness, or weightloss. Sorry, but sometimes that's just how it is. They don't care about it, nor want to participate. It's NOT their endeavor to take on.
So you just really have to be diligent and keep yourself accountable because in the end, it's still about you. You will care the most about you.
Have a good weekend.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Amen, people need to do this for themselves and not expect anyone else to have to follow their diet or give them support and motivation. Nobody and no mysterious force of nature is forcing you to eat certain things either, so none of this 'but I had to eat the cake' BS that I keep seeing. We're adults here, we're entirely responsible for ourselves. Some days you'll not feel like doing any of it, that's life, we do things we don't feel like doing to achieve things we really want.0 -
You can find people who care, if you need them, because they are on the same quest and band together (online or in person) to support each other. Some people are really good self starters and self motivators... I am. Some people, like my husband, really need the social support to stick with a difficult program. I provide the support here at home, and we've got a friend in the Army who went through the hard work to reshape his body and is a really good pal for him and a good example. People have different psychological make-up; I believe that anyone can find a way once they understand themselves in this way.
That's all well and good. But what happens when those people who "really need the social support" fail to get it, or it gets taken away, for whatever reason? All too often, you see them gaining it back. Counting on something or someone external for motivation instead of finding it within themselves can be tricky, because it means you're quite dependent on that something or someone, and life doesn't always work like that.0 -
For a long time, my husband thought that the only way to support me was to be a food cop: to offer unsolicited advice, to tell me exactly what and how much to eat, to criticize and point out that I was eating too much or eating the wrong thing. All of this while he was also overweight and doing nothing about it, of course. I am 100% sure that he thought he was helping me, but that kind of "support" I don't need.
This time around the light bulb went on and he realized that the best way to support me is to just let me do my thing. The only comments he offers up now are, "I'm proud of you" and "You're doing great". Of course it's nice to hear those things, but I don't need them as motivation. He has always told me that he thinks I'm beautiful, even when I was at my heaviest, so what does he know?
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You can find people who care, if you need them, because they are on the same quest and band together (online or in person) to support each other. Some people are really good self starters and self motivators... I am. Some people, like my husband, really need the social support to stick with a difficult program. I provide the support here at home, and we've got a friend in the Army who went through the hard work to reshape his body and is a really good pal for him and a good example. People have different psychological make-up; I believe that anyone can find a way once they understand themselves in this way.
That's all well and good. But what happens when those people who "really need the social support" fail to get it, or it gets taken away, for whatever reason? All too often, you see them gaining it back. Counting on something or someone external for motivation instead of finding it within themselves can be tricky, because it means you're quite dependent on that something or someone, and life doesn't always work like that.
People regain weight for any number of reasons. It doesn't necessarily mean that what you were doing to lose the weight to begin with was wrong. Years ago I regained my weight because I no longer lived in a ground floor apartment where I used to faithfully wake up at 5:30 AM to do exercise videos. Does this mean exercising was wrong? No. *kitten* happens and you just have to troubleshoot and adjust as you go. Motivators have moved on but you thrive on that sort of thing? Find new ones. Yeah, if you can't, it doesn't mean roll over and die and not accomplish your goal, so again, in a way, I kind of agree with you. For those personality types, the process may just not be as fun or pleasant without it
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christinev297 wrote: »None of them really care. I try not to talk to my hubby about weight loss/exercise at all, and God forbid i bring up the 3 words he hates most of all.... My Fitness Pal
That's why you have us!
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i totally understand the common sense - that a person should do this all on their own. But if you have support? Life is so much easier. In all struggles in life, it is amazing what just a little support can do to uplift a person who is trying to get out of a bad situation.
The truth is, most people are not supportive..or we fail to make that quality a priority in the people we surround ourselves with....so we're stuck going it alone. I think MFP is that support many of us lack..1 -
When I started back in December my husband continued to eat whatever he wanted but never said or did anything to sabotage me. It did drive me a bit crazy seeing him pile on the food! I never said anything just continued to change my habits. By January he was on board with me and he has now lost more than me! Just not fair; )!!!! It's by far easier with both of us but I was determined to do it, regardless!2
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Hey, nobody says you have to do it all on your own. Support is great, if you can find it. The support of the MFP community here has helped me tremendously. If you're lucky enough to have a supportive partner, family or friends, all the better.
All I'm saying is that the motivation has to come from within. Nobody external can make you do something that you're not committed to doing yourself. Likewise, nobody external can derail you if you're committed enough.3 -
Very true !! Great post0
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I am hoping that as we continue the process, once hubby drops enough weight to go down a clothes size, he will start finding more of his motivation out of his results and need less "coaching" from me. Not that we will stop working out together or anything. It's gotten to where some of the pants and shirts that were put away as too small are fitting again and I know he loves that. It'll build up over time.1
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47Jacqueline wrote: »Not needing the support of people in any of my endeavors makes me able to appreciate the people who do support me. If I am whole all by myself, I can't be diminished by solitude.
That's a good way to look at it.
Positive feedback is great, but you can't live or die by what other people say or do.0 -
Support is great if you get it. What I usually find is that support is more prevalent with people who do the same things you do. For example, if one does Zumba, the whole class seems supportive. You don't get the same support from people who do BodyPump (not saying you won't get any at all) because the training style is different and people want others to gravitate to their way of training not something else.elisa123gal wrote: »i totally understand the common sense - that a person should do this all on their own. But if you have support? Life is so much easier. In all struggles in life, it is amazing what just a little support can do to uplift a person who is trying to get out of a bad situation.
The truth is, most people are not supportive..or we fail to make that quality a priority in the people we surround ourselves with....so we're stuck going it alone. I think MFP is that support many of us lack..
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Support is great if you get it. What I usually find is that support is more prevalent with people who do the same things you do. For example, if one does Zumba, the whole class seems supportive. You don't get the same support from people who do BodyPump (not saying you won't get any at all) because the training style is different and people want others to gravitate to their way of training not something else.elisa123gal wrote: »i totally understand the common sense - that a person should do this all on their own. But if you have support? Life is so much easier. In all struggles in life, it is amazing what just a little support can do to uplift a person who is trying to get out of a bad situation.
The truth is, most people are not supportive..or we fail to make that quality a priority in the people we surround ourselves with....so we're stuck going it alone. I think MFP is that support many of us lack..
I don't know if this is an analogy, but as someone who's taken both classes - it's just a class. If we took the same classes we would physically be in the room at the same time but that's about it. Ultimately training you do or the class you attend is just a preference and people gravitate to different classes for any number of reasons. Finally, in my gym, anyway, the primarily "RPM girl" might randomly show up to take a BodyPump or BodyAttack class. I can't really think of any need to do the same things in order to give or receive support. Just move!
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