My rock bottom... trying to get out :(
Replies
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I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.
There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.
Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.
Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.
There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.
Asking for a flag here, but I can't help it- you are a disgusting human being.
Yup, agree. A child trying to fix big kid problems. How can you give any kind of advice or commentary on such an important issue based on a few postings on an Internet message board? This is probably just the tip of the ice berg.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »I have been ignoring my husband's texts today. I didn't go meet up with him like he wanted.
I'm taking one day at a time. This is the strongest I have ever been. Have I "officially" left him yet? No. But this is the best I have come to it since the beginning of our relationship. I am trying to build up courage and each and every one of you is helping me find myself again.
I need this time to work on me. I am still weak and clouded with emotions. But I'm trying.
Not looking forward to seeing my old boss sometime this week so she can let me back in the office to collect my stuff.
Oh, and P.S., another lawyer from the firm called me today because she heard the news and said she was shocked and didn't agree with how my boss handled the situation... going into politics and leaving me to do all the work only to let me go when I didn't bill enough to cover all of our salaries. She said many people have worked for her and each time it ended badly. She said she is there to support me and would give me a reference any day (even though I didn't work for her, it is an association of independent law practices and she just shared our office space).
I love you all. I feel so much love from around the world. More love than I have ever felt from him.
That's fantastic!! So, your boss managed to make you feel inadequate even though you were and are more than up to the task at hand. Same with that husband...
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Of_Monsters_and_Meat wrote: »Asking for a flag here, but I can't help it- you are a disgusting human being.
Might I politely suggest instead say. While I value you as a person and a human being, on this one instance I do not share the same point of view. Here is a flower for you ::flowerforyou::
Otherwise you really are risking getting a warning for posting something not so polite. God Bless. ::flowerforyou::
EDIT: I notice that you did get a flag. I just want to point out that this was not me being in social justice warrior mode!!.
Well, because that would be a lie and I'm not a liar. Being in favor of one person abusing another is not a "point of view". Blaming victims for their abuse is not a "point of view".
It's a complete moral failing.0 -
Thank God that a**hole of a boss lost the election. Your are a frigging lawyer! You are intelligent, brave, and a great person. Tell that husband of yours to drive his truck off a cliff. You don't need his sh** anymore. You can take care of yourself. Then tell him to take his 30 days of water and give himself an enema that goes straight up to his useless brain. As you can tell, I am pi**ed off for you.
Some of your aggressive comments (the above is just one of many I have read) could also be deemed as terrible advice but yet you criticize everybody else's input and use insults to counter other peoples opinions. Ironic on a thread about abuse/bullying.0 -
slideaway1 wrote: »Thank God that a**hole of a boss lost the election. Your are a frigging lawyer! You are intelligent, brave, and a great person. Tell that husband of yours to drive his truck off a cliff. You don't need his sh** anymore. You can take care of yourself. Then tell him to take his 30 days of water and give himself an enema that goes straight up to his useless brain. As you can tell, I am pi**ed off for you.
Some of your aggressive comments (the above is just one of many I have read) could also be deemed as terrible advice but yet you criticize everybody else's input and use insults to counter other peoples opinions. Ironic on a thread about abuse/bullying.
Well, I admit that was over the top. I said later that I was trying to be funny. Point taken.0 -
Of_Monsters_and_Meat wrote: »Asking for a flag here, but I can't help it- you are a disgusting human being.
Might I politely suggest instead say. While I value you as a person and a human being, on this one instance I do not share the same point of view. Here is a flower for you ::flowerforyou::
Otherwise you really are risking getting a warning for posting something not so polite. God Bless. ::flowerforyou::
EDIT: I notice that you did get a flag. I just want to point out that this was not me being in social justice warrior mode!!.
Well, because that would be a lie and I'm not a liar. Being in favor of one person abusing another is not a "point of view". Blaming victims for their abuse is not a "point of view".
It's a complete moral failing.
I didn't even read this thread. I just don't want you to get a warning for expressing your opinion.
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I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.
There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.
Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.
Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.
There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.
Asking for a flag here, but I can't help it- you are a disgusting human being.
What a terrible thing to say about somebody.0 -
I will most definitely be praying 4 u ok took guts to and a strong mind to tell it will power0
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slideaway1 wrote: »I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.
There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.
Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.
Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.
There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.
Asking for a flag here, but I can't help it- you are a disgusting human being.
What a terrible thing to say about somebody.
More terrible than saying someone deserves to be beaten up on the regular?0 -
slideaway1 wrote: »I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.
There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.
Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.
Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.
There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.
Asking for a flag here, but I can't help it- you are a disgusting human being.
What a terrible thing to say about somebody.
More terrible than saying someone deserves to be beaten up on the regular?
Nobody said that. Show me a quote where somebody condones that kind of behaviour. Otherwise it looks like you are using Inflammatory language again on something that is already a sensitive subject. Take care.0 -
slideaway1 wrote: »slideaway1 wrote: »I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.
There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.
Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.
Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.
There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.
Asking for a flag here, but I can't help it- you are a disgusting human being.
What a terrible thing to say about somebody.
More terrible than saying someone deserves to be beaten up on the regular?
Nobody said that. Show me a quote where somebody condones that kind of behaviour. Otherwise it looks like you are using Inflammatory language again on something that is already a sensitive subject. Take care.
Don't get mad at me because you showed up on a thread for the express purpose of making someone who is already suffering feel even crappier and then got called out for it.
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I'm not mad at all, If I was I would have commented on the insults directed at me. I just find your nasty/personal comments at others and all round hypocrisy on a thread about abuse interesting and how easy it is to let emotions on a sensitive (private?) subject like this run away with us. Take care.0
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slideaway1 wrote: »I'm not mad at all, If I was I would have commented on the insults directed at me. I just find your nasty/personal comments at others and all round hypocrisy on a thread about abuse interesting and how easy it is to let emotions on a sensitive (private?) subject like this run away with us. Take care.
Didn't OP say your comment was hurtful? Did you apologize to her?0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »I have been ignoring my husband's texts today. I didn't go meet up with him like he wanted.
I'm taking one day at a time. This is the strongest I have ever been. Have I "officially" left him yet? No. But this is the best I have come to it since the beginning of our relationship. I am trying to build up courage and each and every one of you is helping me find myself again.
I need this time to work on me. I am still weak and clouded with emotions. But I'm trying.
Not looking forward to seeing my old boss sometime this week so she can let me back in the office to collect my stuff.
Oh, and P.S., another lawyer from the firm called me today because she heard the news and said she was shocked and didn't agree with how my boss handled the situation... going into politics and leaving me to do all the work only to let me go when I didn't bill enough to cover all of our salaries. She said many people have worked for her and each time it ended badly. She said she is there to support me and would give me a reference any day (even though I didn't work for her, it is an association of independent law practices and she just shared our office space).
I love you all. I feel so much love from around the world. More love than I have ever felt from him.
I don't have a lot to add to the relationship or AA advice, but I just wanted to say--being a lawyer sucks sometimes. It is hard, other lawyers make it harder, and unfortunately getting a raw deal at work isn't unheard of. Often you will feel like you aren't good enough, beat yourself up over what you could have done differently/better, etc. The fact that this other lawyer contacted you and is willing to be a reference is fantastic. I would be happy to act as a sounding board/give you my two cents if you need it. I think you are incredibly courageous, and I wish you the best of luck with everything.
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Yes she did. I am sorry that it upset her. But I do stand by my two comments (One very supportive, one insulting her husband but also suggesting that we as individuals have to take responsibility for our decisions). By forgiving these people we are enabling them and I think we have to take responsibility for ourselves so it does not happen again (I realise there are many reasons why people do this kids, financial, brainwashing, control etc). This was however my own personal opinion spoken from the heart to the OP (not for your feedback). I have a Masters Degree in Phycology (not sports lol) and have grown up in domestic violence so too call me stupid was insulting. You do not have a Monopoly on all things domestic violence and other peoples experiences are just as valid as your own, even if you disagree.0
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slideaway1 wrote: »Yes she did. I am sorry that it upset her. But I do stand by my two comments (One very supportive, one insulting her husband but also suggesting that we as individuals have to take responsibility for our decisions). By forgiving these people we are enabling them and I think we have to take responsibility for ourselves so it does not happen again (I realise there are many reasons why people do this kids, financial, brainwashing, control etc). This was however my own personal opinion spoken from the heart to the OP (not for your feedback). I have a Masters Degree in Phycology (not sports lol) and have grown up in domestic violence so too call me stupid was insulting. You do not have a Monopoly on all things domestic violence and other peoples experiences are just as valid as your own, even if you disagree.
So....you didn't apologize. Seems to me when you basically call someone stupid for marrying someone that is "advice," but if someone does the same to you then they are being a bully. Gotcha.0 -
Let's stop and let the OP continue to get any support she wants/needs from this thread and since she is already in a fragile state anyone who doesn't want to offer support can hopefully choose to move along. It has been suggested she seek help from professionals and she is doing that. But a lot of people here are also a much needed source of support for her.
Thank you.0 -
Let's stop and let the OP continue to get any support she wants/needs from this thread and since she is already in a fragile state anyone who doesn't want to offer support can hopefully choose to move along. It has been suggested she seek help from professionals and she is doing that. But a lot of people here are also a much needed source of support for her.
Thank you.
Well said, thank you0 -
Dear Managing Intake,
I, too, would advocate a Domestic Abuse Shelter because your husband knows where your parents live, right?
Is he able to track your whereabouts by tracking your phone via computer? You might consider getting a new phone/phone number. Then he wouldn't be texting you anymore.
Just a thought. I'm thinking of you.0 -
Let's stop and let the OP continue to get any support she wants/needs from this thread and since she is already in a fragile state anyone who doesn't want to offer support can hopefully choose to move along. It has been suggested she seek help from professionals and she is doing that. But a lot of people here are also a much needed source of support for her.
Thank you.
Seconding this. Lets keep this thread positive and supportive for the OP.0 -
glutenfreechic wrote: »Let's stop and let the OP continue to get any support she wants/needs from this thread and since she is already in a fragile state anyone who doesn't want to offer support can hopefully choose to move along. It has been suggested she seek help from professionals and she is doing that. But a lot of people here are also a much needed source of support for her.
Thank you.
Seconding this. Lets keep this thread positive and supportive for the OP.
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Omg im so sry here to hear im a man and i cnt say i know what ur going thru but my mom was in a abusive relationship so again im sry and if u need any help with what ur working at im not a small dude im pretty decent looking but after my brother died at 24 a yr and a half ago so i came down with anxiety and depression so again im here to support u if u need help and honestly he shld be in jail and if u want to live him there is plenty of ppl u can talk to so pls get in touch with ppl it helps trust me i cnt even go to family so find ppls that are not family unless they will support u but seriously keep in touch with ppl on here thank u and im sry talking helps trust me ive hit rock bottom before so god bless sweety and stay strong god has a plan for all of us...0
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Bravo for you for going to the psychologist and AA! You're starting to take care of yourself! I've never been through what you're going through and am not trying to judge but please take care of yourself even better! It doesn't matter what we weigh, we don't deserve what you're going through. I have been married 40 years and overweight most of my life. I know my life loves me and I know he's been mad enough at me to want to hit me but he walked outside. He would never hit a woman for any reason and he knows that I love myself enough that it would only happen once. The verbal and emotional abuse for you is at the top and you deserve so much more. I have my faith and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Let your friends and family help you! You are worthy of so much more!0
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I have no words of advice but I can tell you that you have a million women rooting for you!! You are successful, smart and loved by parents. Work on building a support system around you and you will conquer this! We are all wanting the best for you and know you can do this! You are a woman who has proven to have self motivation and discipline. One day at a time!!!!0
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A group has been started to take this to a private forum.
The group is called SUPPORTIVE WOMEN. it is strictly set up for anyone who wishes to support the OP.
Those who do not wish to offer support should NOT join the group.
Thank you.0 -
Hello to everyone on this Monday.
First of all, I am sorry this thread got kind of out of control and that there have been a couple of "fights" about some comments that were made. I know some people have commented about me using this as a support system for domestic violence, verbal abuse, my (previous) alcoholism, and my job stress.
But the reason I came on here in the first place is my husband's demand that I lose a whole bunch of weight before I get to see him again. It really started with a weight/nutrition/fitness issue, and I have divulged the other things that have been going on with me because they all contributed to my weight gain.
I am sorry if I have offended anyone and I am so thankful to those who have defended me and continued to provide me with their support. I am so humbled by the overwhelming responses I have had, and this MFP thread is making me stronger and perhaps changing my life forever.
Quick update: I called my psychologist today (yes, I am seeking professional help as advised, and have been for months) and she suggested that the next appointment, on Wednesday, be just with me and her and without my husband present. He may remember that we were supposed to go together, but he may not. I was struggling with the idea of reminding him, and posted about it, but wanted to update you all on that.
Also, ANOTHER lawyer from the firm called me today and offered his support. He said that my boss shouldn't have let me go and he is happy to be a reference and would hire me himself if he could. He used an analogy that has really struck a chord with me.
"You came from being a cook in an Oriental kitchen. Then you were thrown into a classy Italian restaurant, asked by the Chef to cook for everyone in the restaurant, without half of the ingredients and without any recipes. When you called the Chef for help, he was gone. You were set up to fail, and it never would have worked out".
As I may have mentioned before, I came from a non-for-profit law environment and when I started this new job in a private practice as a first year lawyer, I was thrown a whole bunch of family law files that I had absolutely no experience with. I was told to bill well over what a first year lawyer should be billing. My boss left to go into politics and left me with all of the family law files, all of her files, and I was expected to "hold up her business" by billing enough to cover her salary (which is HUGE), my salary, four Assistants' salary, and overhead. She took all of our Assistants to aid her in her campaign, and when I had questions and needed mentorship, she ignored my requests. I struggled so much and lost so much confidence and felt lost. So I believe his analogy, and am thankful for his call and support.
I am leaving in 20 minutes to go to another AA meeting and I'm still not drinking.
No calls or texts from my husband today. But for the first time... I really don't care. I agree that I need my space to clear my head.
Thank you to zacknana for setting up a group for me. We were PM'ing and she suggested it would be a good idea. I am so thankful for friends like her (and all of you!!). I am so touched that I have received so much support. I just wanted to give this latest update to the thread.
I do not want anyone to fight. I love you all for your support.0 -
MFP needs a "like button"!Thank God that a**hole of a boss lost the election. Your are a frigging lawyer! You are intelligent, brave, and a great person. Tell that husband of yours to drive his truck off a cliff. You don't need his sh** anymore. You can take care of yourself. Then tell him to take his 30 days of water and give himself an enema that goes straight up to his useless brain. As you can tell, I am pi**ed off for you.
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ManagingIntake wrote: »Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support flowing through this discussion!
Today I went back home to pack a suitcase while my husband was in the shower so that I have more stuff to live with at my parents.
You have all made me believe (slightly) for the first time, that I might be better than I project myself to be. I just have such low confidence from years of this abuse, and I think it takes confidence to get out, which I don't quite have yet, but all of you are helping me see the light.
I would love if he could admit his problems and get anger management courses or therapy for himself. There's a part of me that believes he can change. But... can he? I think only if he wants to. But he is SO set in his ways and is very clear about his expectations of me and the standards I need to live up to, that I am scared he won't want to change because he thinks he way is the only way.
I mean he even tells me how to breath. How to sit, how to shower, how to do my makeup, what not to eat (i.e., everything... he wants me to have just water for 30 days and see how that goes). He has formed a lot of who I am. But I do not like who I have become.
I'm still not ready to think about Divorce seriously, but for the first time, I am thinking of it lightly in the back of my mind.
Still... scared.
So there is a ton of advice floating around this thread. Great to see the MFP family coming together to help someone in need. I'm not even going to attempt to offer any more direct advice, but I will suggest just one thing perhaps a little off topic.
So you mentioned that you returned to your house (and I realize it is YOUR home) to pick up some of your things. You also mention that your husband was in the shower during the time you were in your home. I would strongly suggest, for both your benefit, that the next time you return home please have a police officer with you and make your presence known. Abusers react in different ways when faced with different scenarios. In this case, even though you may not even know it, its possible he is even more pissed that when he threw you out that you did not immediately crawl back begging for his forgiveness. Certainly at this point he has to know, being that you have been gone for more then 24 hours, that you are most likely getting outside help and advice and this may make him react in ways you thought he never could or would. I don't know your husband (and frankly don't want to know him) so I'm certainly not suggesting anything here, but you need to make your safety priority #1. Furthermore, you certainly don't want to give him any angles (you are an attorney, so you know exactly what I'm suggesting here) or justification for any type of reaction when he claims he was startled and had no idea that the person in his home was his wife.
Bring along an officer, they do this type of thing all the time. Simply call the police non emergency number and request an officer meet you at the residence at a set time. You need to make yourself numero uno and this includes your safety. Take good care of yourself!!0 -
Thank you billr9mm. I will take your suggestion into consideration. The last time I went home to get stuff, when my husband was in the shower, my dad came with me and made sure I was safe.
I just got back from my latest AA meeting and when it was my time to share, I talked about all the great support that I have been receiving on this thread and from my new MFP friends.
zacksnana so kindly set up a group called SUPPORTIVE WOMEN (with a beautiful picture of roses, I might add) that may be a more appropriate way to discuss my situation and any other situation similar (or not similar) to mine that other women might be going through. Of course men who support healthy relationships and respect to women are invited too! It will stay open for joining for a few days until it will be "request to be in group only".
You are all making such an impact in my life and will NEVER forget this.0 -
1. dont worry about the fights, they were nothing and shouldnt distract you.
2. I remain impressed by the fact you are absorbing some of the unified advice and listenining. You are being strong.
3. Keep it simple and your priority is AA because that will help you have the clear mind in which you can see everything else thats happening to you.
4. Your next priority is to stay away and avoid all contact with your husband. he is unsure at the moment and doesnt realise he is losing control. As a bully and abuser at some stage he will want to gain control.
5. It will take some time for you to reach the decsion in your head to leave (its simple for everyone here), but I understand theres is a great deal of emotional baggage to unravel and make sense of plus some brave decisions to make that will get you to the place where you know what to do. Just build on the great work you are doing at the moment and stay away from him. Be patient and support yourself, not too fast, but dont be fearful of making choices for you.
6. Contact one of the refuges near you, if you mail me your city then I will try and locate it for you. I sent you the links earlier. There you can go and see people who have the experience of such situations. They can reassure you in person which will have a weight and resonance that the internet will not and help you understand what people are saying is true. Seeing things clearly is very important.
7. Do not worry about the job as you can sort that out later. In terms of career it wont matter plus you have a good reason and there are barious ways to spit it at interview. You will need to sort out your primary issues anyway becayse an addiction woul be a big problem, hence you have to get that under control. on a positive note, when the time comes you can try a different practice area if you didnt enjoy family law, it may have been the firm you didnt like, but as you werent established and hinted you didnt like it, then you can look at other areas, as it may be an opportunity to do soemthing better suited to you.
Keep it simple, keep up with AA, avoid all contact with toxic husband, take care of yourself, keep going. You are doing great.0
This discussion has been closed.
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