My 'Healthy Lifestyle' is ruining my relationship.
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Just as others have said: this is my opinion, so take it as you would all free advice
- It sounds like you're kind of OCD about your food and workouts, and in many ways that's to be admired; but it all sounds so stressful! Especially when you've done such a great job and lost so much weight and such. Your body is a huge part of your life, but it's not ALL of your life. Relationships are what life is about. Just like you figured out how to lose the weight, you have to figure out how to maintain - not just your weight but your relationships. I know you know all of this, and it sounds like you have a really great guy who isn't asking for too much.
Can I say one thing? Getting out of the habit of being intimate is tough. I know from experience. But making a little effort to get back into the habit has great rewards! For you, your man and everyone's headspace too. I think you'll find that if you just try a little bit, you'll smack yourself in the noggin and say "what was I thinking?!" For reals. Best of luck!0 -
Hi,
I'm sorry that you are having relationship problems. I find your sexual problem interesting. I find that sex is hotter since I lost weight since I am more comfortable in my skin. Maybe you should talk to your doctor. Maybe you have a hormonal imbalance or something.
As far as the rest... I think you need to compromise. Yes, he needs to support your healthy lifestyle but you need to attend to his needs as well.
Best of luck girly!
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The intimacy issue can make or break a relationship. I have been there. So now, we have a date night. Dressing up for your man can be fun. Leave stress at home though, and go out for his conversation. I have noticed since I started paying attention to myself for a change, that my husband is my protector. Not that we women are feeble creatures, but having my husband give another man "that look that says she is mine" is a nice feeling. My husband is a romantic so he opens doors for me, and I let him. Again not the "Im just a feeble incapable woman" but I am a woman that deserves the ultimate respect.0
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Big (((hugs))) to you, I've read a lot of your posts and have found you offering great support and inspiration to people.
It is not unreasonable to spend 4 months of an 8 year relationship focusing on yourself. Your partner is probably jealous of the new attention you're getting, and the fact that you want to look and feel better about yourself.
However, going out for an occasional meal, cinema, concert or elsewhere will not kill you, and the cals can be accounted for, this is a lifestyle, not a quick fix diet so you need to learn to take the good and the bad.
Tell him if he wants to go to kfc or bk then he can go with his friends, but you will only go where you can have healthy food, if that is the food you want.
Maybe a night in frount of the fire wouldn't be a bad thing, set up dates where he has your undivided attention0 -
Most of the time, I am not a sexual person. But I do it and eventually get into it after starting up. Sex is just as important. Plus it burns calories. :-)0
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This is awesome to hear!PinkPixiexox wrote: »I literally have tears in my eyes from all of your incredible, kind and honest posts. I needed to reach out somewhere - anywhere - because I was becoming very sad with the way things were progressing. I don't have an eating disorder and I do make sure I fuel my body sufficiently but what I DO have is an irrational fear of gaining weight. I have been overweight all of my life. Not being overweight is totally new to me. Sometimes I am still the 'fat girl' in my head despite being visibly smaller than I was.
I don't mean to sound over the top - but all of your comments and advice I have taken on board and you may have saved my relationship of 8 years. I sat my boyfriend down this evening and laid it out on the table - exactly how I feel and how I've felt trapped in this strange 'healthy prison'. I actually showed him this post and every single one of your replies. We both agreed with every thing said and we both decided that I need some kind of talking therapy to help me change my attitude toward weight gain. I put so much importance on those weekly losses to the detriment of my happiness and every one around me.
I definitely feel like I have 'woken up' from a very bad situation - literally, thanks to each and every one of you. I will allow myself to loosen up every now and again and I will no longer beat myself up over an meal out or a special occasion with friends or .. a piece of cake! I know to most it's just a simple post on a forum - but I can't begin to tell you how valuable your advice has been for me. For my relationship. Thank you all and lots of love
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So glad you are getting the help you need and are able to be open and honest with your boyfriend! I've been in a similar position. I had lost a lot of weight and was very restrictive! But the more weight I lost the more depressed I became! Bless my husband for sticking by me during that time, it wasn't easy!! It can be difficult to find a balance!! I'm still working on it!! Best wishes!!0
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PinkPixiexox wrote: »I literally have tears in my eyes from all of your incredible, kind and honest posts. I needed to reach out somewhere - anywhere - because I was becoming very sad with the way things were progressing. I don't have an eating disorder and I do make sure I fuel my body sufficiently but what I DO have is an irrational fear of gaining weight. I have been overweight all of my life. Not being overweight is totally new to me. Sometimes I am still the 'fat girl' in my head despite being visibly smaller than I was.
I don't mean to sound over the top - but all of your comments and advice I have taken on board and you may have saved my relationship of 8 years. I sat my boyfriend down this evening and laid it out on the table - exactly how I feel and how I've felt trapped in this strange 'healthy prison'. I actually showed him this post and every single one of your replies. We both agreed with every thing said and we both decided that I need some kind of talking therapy to help me change my attitude toward weight gain. I put so much importance on those weekly losses to the detriment of my happiness and every one around me.
I definitely feel like I have 'woken up' from a very bad situation - literally, thanks to each and every one of you. I will allow myself to loosen up every now and again and I will no longer beat myself up over an meal out or a special occasion with friends or .. a piece of cake! I know to most it's just a simple post on a forum - but I can't begin to tell you how valuable your advice has been for me. For my relationship. Thank you all and lots of love
Pink, I am so proud of you. You have taken a proactive approach with immediate action.
Hang in there.
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OsricTheKnight wrote: »PinkPixiexox wrote: »Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate.
Speaking as a male, I'd say this might be the hardest thing but also absolutely the biggest thing you could do to shift the balance. If you felt the desire to be intimate more often, if you felt more attractive to him because of your health kick, and if he was getting more (and probably better) attention than in the past, I would guess he could live with the food quirks.
However I don't have any advice to change how you feel in this dimension. People get really hung up about whether they have enough drive, and I don't know what a "healthy" or "normal" amount of interest is. Depending on his age, his own drive could vary quite a bit. When I was your age, for reference, I didn't know any male whose interest in being intimate occurred less than daily, and I'd say twice a day was common (for desire, not activity). From a perspective like that, four months is a long time. According to the kinsey institute, men in your age group with a partner who have intercourse less than once in several months only make up about 34% of the population, while men in that age group with intercourse more than weekly make up 36%; the balance are between monthly and weekly.
But I really think this needs addressing - everyone else seems to have left this as the "elephant in the room" - this single thing could probably overwhelm all the rest if ignored.
Osric
I tend to agree. If compromise is an option, definitely go for the Whoopie over the Whooper
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I've only read the original post and no replies.
The first thing that stood out to me is the fact that you avoid social situations. I'm sure someone else has already pointed out that you simply can't live life this way. Realistically, you're going to have to go out. I also track my food before I eat like you do, but sometimes that means I am literally tracking it on the way to a restaurant when the group I am with decides to eat out on a whim. It can be stressful when I feel time is limited to research my options, but I can always find something to eat, and I am eating at a very aggressive deficit at the moment. Sometimes it means that others eat while I don't during social times. Not fun, I agree, but your life can't revolve around your weight - big or small.
The second thing that stuck out is the length of your relationship. After 8 years, I would think your boyfriend would have a bit more patience. If I neglected my husband a bit for a few months in pursuit of some sort of goal or hobby, he would patiently deal with it - assuming we're talking about things settling back down into a new normal after these few months were up. In fact, I know I can be guilty of being distant when I get absorbed in things, but my husband always pretends like I have been the perfect partner. Of course, these are two different guys with different personalities and needs.
The third thing that stuck out is that while I think he could be more patient, based on what you yourself wrote, he probably has some valid points. As far as intimacy goes, maybe it's just timing. Sex doesn't have to happen after the gym when you're sweaty and starving. How about in the morning? How about in the shower? If he wants to stop at BK, why not bring along a protein bar and sip on a diet soda or a water while he eats what he wants? It's about the time you spend together and not the food, right?
You said he doesn't want you to give the gym up. That doesn't sound too crazy. He just wants more of your time. I do have to question (and I may find out the answer when I go back and read through the thread) what his ultimatum was. Did he actually mention splitting up? If so, then there seems to be more to this story. Could you truly be getting too extreme and heading for burnout? Is this the first time that you have lost weight, and have you tended to be mostly be overweight until this point? It's easy to swing from one extreme to another. Are other relationship issues at play here?
Or is this all much ado about nothing? That's also a possibility. Like I said, I don't yet know what his ultimatum was or what was going on when he said it (fighting? Was it really meant to be said?). I will go back and read.0 -
ManiacalLaugh wrote: »
My bf argues that we have this issue too. He really wants me to lose weight - so much so that I think he might be hinging his decision on marriage on if I can lose more or not
This bothered me so much when I read it. Please don't go down this line of thinking. It can't end well. There is no such thing as a wife audition. Provided you're in the right place in life to marry and you've been with someone long enough to really know them, if you want to marry a person, you will - with their current quirks and flaws. No extra conditions. If there is something about that person that you feel needs to change in order for marriage to happen, then it's actually very simple - you're not a match.
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So I can relate because from 19 years old up to now, I've been a gym rat. I went through SEVERAL relationships, some with females I really didn't want to lose. But I never gave up the gym, so I did lose them. Then I met my DW in 1994. Both of us had goals and continued to reach for them, but we both knew that still could make some time for each other. And we still do that today. I guess I "found" the right person to be with.
Could you be giving up a good thing? You'll have to decide on that, but IMO if it's an issue now, it may be an issue later. That said, try compromising. Go out with him, but just make the best choices you can. You DON'T have to eat everything you order. I think just accompanying him will make a big difference.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Very happy for you, Pixie, that you've found support and compromise through this community and your openness to change. You rock!
I'm expecting you will find things you love to eat and can fit in your limit at places your man chooses. I usually have a Zinger burger at KFC, and I'm sure there'd be "healthy choices" at Burger King. You'll probably find you enjoy yourself!
Just like you make room for certain foods, you'll learn to make room for boyfriend things.
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Sounds like you are not that into him anymore0
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gardenbikefamily wrote: »Sounds like you are not that into him anymore
wat?0 -
gardenbikefamily wrote: »Sounds like you are not that into him anymore
Either read the entire thread (or hell, a portion of it at least) or just not respond.0 -
gardenbikefamily wrote: »Sounds like you are not that into him anymore
You didn't read the conversation, did you?0 -
I agree. If he doesn't want to marry her unless she loses more weight, what happens if she later gains a few pounds? Divorce?afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »ManiacalLaugh wrote: »
My bf argues that we have this issue too. He really wants me to lose weight - so much so that I think he might be hinging his decision on marriage on if I can lose more or not
This bothered me so much when I read it. Please don't go down this line of thinking. It can't end well. There is no such thing as a wife audition. Provided you're in the right place in life to marry and you've been with someone long enough to really know them, if you want to marry a person, you will - with their current quirks and flaws. No extra conditions. If there is something about that person that you feel needs to change in order for marriage to happen, then it's actually very simple - you're not a match.
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MoiAussi93 wrote: »
I agree. If he doesn't want to marry her unless she loses more weight, what happens if she later gains a few pounds? Divorce?afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »ManiacalLaugh wrote: »
My bf argues that we have this issue too. He really wants me to lose weight - so much so that I think he might be hinging his decision on marriage on if I can lose more or not
This bothered me so much when I read it. Please don't go down this line of thinking. It can't end well. There is no such thing as a wife audition. Provided you're in the right place in life to marry and you've been with someone long enough to really know them, if you want to marry a person, you will - with their current quirks and flaws. No extra conditions. If there is something about that person that you feel needs to change in order for marriage to happen, then it's actually very simple - you're not a match.
Whoa - what??
Who said, and where did you read, that she was "auditioning" to be anyone's wife?
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withaflourish wrote: »MoiAussi93 wrote: »
I agree. If he doesn't want to marry her unless she loses more weight, what happens if she later gains a few pounds? Divorce?afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »ManiacalLaugh wrote: »
My bf argues that we have this issue too. He really wants me to lose weight - so much so that I think he might be hinging his decision on marriage on if I can lose more or not
This bothered me so much when I read it. Please don't go down this line of thinking. It can't end well. There is no such thing as a wife audition. Provided you're in the right place in life to marry and you've been with someone long enough to really know them, if you want to marry a person, you will - with their current quirks and flaws. No extra conditions. If there is something about that person that you feel needs to change in order for marriage to happen, then it's actually very simple - you're not a match.
Whoa - what??
Who said, and where did you read, that she was "auditioning" to be anyone's wife?
Not OP. Something I saw from another poster as I read through the thread.0 -
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Pinkpixiexox
I have read the whole thread and there is nothing significant I could add at this point.
Well one thing....
WELL DONE!
You reached out for help, analysed, then acted.
You have, in the relatively short time on these boards, made a positive impact.
Thank you.
This shows you have spent a lot of time researching diet and fitness. Trust in what you have learnt, through your research and self knowledge, to transfer into a lifestyle that you can carry forward.
Cheers, h.
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First, you look amazing. Congratulations on your progress!
And now, adding my 2 cents to all the other advice:
When my daughter lived at home, we would go out to lunch every Saturday. Weekdays being so hectic with work, school, activities, it was a good time to talk about school, what was going on with her and her friends, etc.
When I started getting serious about losing weight, I didn't want to give up these lunches. She looked forward to them as much as I did, and I didn't want to take that away. So we'd still go....I just changed what I ordered, or ordered the same thing, but ate only half. (And we did also switch things up by throwing in a walk in the park or at the beach instead of lunch).
My point is, you can go out to eat with your boyfriend without derailing your progress. Just plan what you're going to eat and stick to that plan. Most restaurants, even fast food places, have options that can fit into your day. It seems clear to me that you love him enough to make it work.
And, because you love him, please ignore the advice to "dump him" because he wants to stop at a fast food place.
Although....if I had just left my daughter in a basket on somebody's doorstep, instead of simply altering my eating habits, I wouldn't be saddled with this gigantic college tuition bill now! Dammit!!!! 0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »First, you look amazing. Congratulations on your progress!
And now, adding my 2 cents to all the other advice:
When my daughter lived at home, we would go out to lunch every Saturday. Weekdays being so hectic with work, school, activities, it was a good time to talk about school, what was going on with her and her friends, etc.
When I started getting serious about losing weight, I didn't want to give up these lunches. She looked forward to them as much as I did, and I didn't want to take that away. So we'd still go....I just changed what I ordered, or ordered the same thing, but ate only half. (And we did also switch things up by throwing in a walk in the park or at the beach instead of lunch).
My point is, you can go out to eat with your boyfriend without derailing your progress. Just plan what you're going to eat and stick to that plan. Most restaurants, even fast food places, have options that can fit into your day. It seems clear to me that you love him enough to make it work.
And, because you love him, please ignore the advice to "dump him" because he wants to stop at a fast food place.
Although....if I had just left my daughter in a basket on somebody's doorstep, instead of simply altering my eating habits, I wouldn't be saddled with this gigantic college tuition bill now! Dammit!!!!
LMAO!
Solid post.
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I was so happy to see your update! There have been some difficult times in my relationship, but it always grew stronger when we brought our feelings and struggles out in the open and worked together. I'm glad to see communication is working for you too!
I wanted to mention something on the intimacy issue that I haven't seen before. You may want to look into the idea of "responsive desire" versus "spontaneous desire." Some people (sometimes) will have "spontaneous desire" -- they will want to initiate intimate times without anything necessarily prompting it. Some people (sometimes) (and this is most often, but not always, women) will have "responsive desire" -- they won't really want to be intimate until intimate things are already happening. It's like their body wakes up in this context and says, oh yes, I would like this after all. It's a tricky thing because you can be someone who has had spontaneous desire for part of their life, but now be in a responsive desire phase.
Learning about this has been really helpful for me!
Emily Nagoski is a great resource on this issue. Here's a couple of her blog articles on the topic, but her book "Come As You Are" is also tremendous! http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/ http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/10/10/making-responsive-desire-awesome/0 -
Many antidepressant meds can effect desire so be sure to talk about this with your Dr. I am an old coot now but I can certainly remember that intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Good luck and listen to all the wise counsel given by others.0
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Hi, Pinky,
I've now read the entire thread [didn't know it was here until it got bumped] and am so glad you are going to try and work on your relationship with your BF - your next [and really important] goal!! You've had loads of genuine, well thought out comments and advice from people on here. Now that wouldn't happen if YOU weren't very well thought of, would it?
You obviously love your BF like crazy and I'm sure he loves you just as much. Lord, he's a saint compared to lots of men - he's been putting up with playing second fiddle to an app and some dumb bells for months when lots of others would have said boo hoo I'm not getting ALL the attention so I'm off! He's brought the subject up, yes, but only because he wants to save and ENHANCE your relationship. Oh Pinky, I wish you all the very best with this love. x0 -
If there is no intimacy there will be no relationship, sex is a big part of any relationship. I know how your bf feels and trust me as a man its not a good feeling. Communication is key here and honestly if you took a trip to KFC or bk there are plenty of healthy things on the menu with high proteins. Dont let 8 years go without putting up a fight, my relationship of 7 years ended because I didn't fight for it like I should have. Open to him more and let him know what your goals are and why your attitude towards certain things have changed, he will understand.0
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you might consider the medication might be causing the intimacy issues. it is not uncommon
Yes, this is a very common side-effect of depression drugs. What you are taking now doesn't seem to be helping with your anxiety either. You may need to try a different medication. It's very common to try several prescriptions before finding one that works for you.
Please talk to your doctor about all of these issues.0
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