My 'Healthy Lifestyle' is ruining my relationship.
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Pinkpixiexox
I have read the whole thread and there is nothing significant I could add at this point.
Well one thing....
WELL DONE!
You reached out for help, analysed, then acted.
You have, in the relatively short time on these boards, made a positive impact.
Thank you.
This shows you have spent a lot of time researching diet and fitness. Trust in what you have learnt, through your research and self knowledge, to transfer into a lifestyle that you can carry forward.
Cheers, h.
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First, you look amazing. Congratulations on your progress!
And now, adding my 2 cents to all the other advice:
When my daughter lived at home, we would go out to lunch every Saturday. Weekdays being so hectic with work, school, activities, it was a good time to talk about school, what was going on with her and her friends, etc.
When I started getting serious about losing weight, I didn't want to give up these lunches. She looked forward to them as much as I did, and I didn't want to take that away. So we'd still go....I just changed what I ordered, or ordered the same thing, but ate only half. (And we did also switch things up by throwing in a walk in the park or at the beach instead of lunch).
My point is, you can go out to eat with your boyfriend without derailing your progress. Just plan what you're going to eat and stick to that plan. Most restaurants, even fast food places, have options that can fit into your day. It seems clear to me that you love him enough to make it work.
And, because you love him, please ignore the advice to "dump him" because he wants to stop at a fast food place.
Although....if I had just left my daughter in a basket on somebody's doorstep, instead of simply altering my eating habits, I wouldn't be saddled with this gigantic college tuition bill now! Dammit!!!!
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »First, you look amazing. Congratulations on your progress!
And now, adding my 2 cents to all the other advice:
When my daughter lived at home, we would go out to lunch every Saturday. Weekdays being so hectic with work, school, activities, it was a good time to talk about school, what was going on with her and her friends, etc.
When I started getting serious about losing weight, I didn't want to give up these lunches. She looked forward to them as much as I did, and I didn't want to take that away. So we'd still go....I just changed what I ordered, or ordered the same thing, but ate only half. (And we did also switch things up by throwing in a walk in the park or at the beach instead of lunch).
My point is, you can go out to eat with your boyfriend without derailing your progress. Just plan what you're going to eat and stick to that plan. Most restaurants, even fast food places, have options that can fit into your day. It seems clear to me that you love him enough to make it work.
And, because you love him, please ignore the advice to "dump him" because he wants to stop at a fast food place.
Although....if I had just left my daughter in a basket on somebody's doorstep, instead of simply altering my eating habits, I wouldn't be saddled with this gigantic college tuition bill now! Dammit!!!!
LMAO!
Solid post.
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I was so happy to see your update! There have been some difficult times in my relationship, but it always grew stronger when we brought our feelings and struggles out in the open and worked together. I'm glad to see communication is working for you too!
I wanted to mention something on the intimacy issue that I haven't seen before. You may want to look into the idea of "responsive desire" versus "spontaneous desire." Some people (sometimes) will have "spontaneous desire" -- they will want to initiate intimate times without anything necessarily prompting it. Some people (sometimes) (and this is most often, but not always, women) will have "responsive desire" -- they won't really want to be intimate until intimate things are already happening. It's like their body wakes up in this context and says, oh yes, I would like this after all. It's a tricky thing because you can be someone who has had spontaneous desire for part of their life, but now be in a responsive desire phase.
Learning about this has been really helpful for me!
Emily Nagoski is a great resource on this issue. Here's a couple of her blog articles on the topic, but her book "Come As You Are" is also tremendous! http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/ http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/10/10/making-responsive-desire-awesome/0 -
Many antidepressant meds can effect desire so be sure to talk about this with your Dr. I am an old coot now but I can certainly remember that intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Good luck and listen to all the wise counsel given by others.0
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Hi, Pinky,
I've now read the entire thread [didn't know it was here until it got bumped] and am so glad you are going to try and work on your relationship with your BF - your next [and really important] goal!! You've had loads of genuine, well thought out comments and advice from people on here. Now that wouldn't happen if YOU weren't very well thought of, would it?
You obviously love your BF like crazy and I'm sure he loves you just as much. Lord, he's a saint compared to lots of men - he's been putting up with playing second fiddle to an app and some dumb bells for months when lots of others would have said boo hoo I'm not getting ALL the attention so I'm off! He's brought the subject up, yes, but only because he wants to save and ENHANCE your relationship. Oh Pinky, I wish you all the very best with this love. x0 -
If there is no intimacy there will be no relationship, sex is a big part of any relationship. I know how your bf feels and trust me as a man its not a good feeling. Communication is key here and honestly if you took a trip to KFC or bk there are plenty of healthy things on the menu with high proteins. Dont let 8 years go without putting up a fight, my relationship of 7 years ended because I didn't fight for it like I should have. Open to him more and let him know what your goals are and why your attitude towards certain things have changed, he will understand.0
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you might consider the medication might be causing the intimacy issues. it is not uncommon
Yes, this is a very common side-effect of depression drugs. What you are taking now doesn't seem to be helping with your anxiety either. You may need to try a different medication. It's very common to try several prescriptions before finding one that works for you.
Please talk to your doctor about all of these issues.0 -
sodapoppin28 wrote: »Dont let 8 years go without putting up a fight, my relationship of 7 years ended because I didn't fight for it like I should have.
Awww. I'm sorry to hear that.
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You received sound advice here, so I just want to say how happy I am that you had a heart to heart talk with your man. I see your posts on these boards and you are always so caring and supportive to others. You have a BIG heart, so be good to yourself. If you are at your goal weight and sad, how is that fair to YOU! There are enough hours in the day for planning, exercising, and spending quality time with your man
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PinkPixiexox wrote: »Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate.
I stopped reading right there, break up with him.
Men feel loved and wanted through physical intimacy, we are wired that way. Let him go so that he can find someone who is interested in loving him.
Continue working on yourself, you're doing a good job.0 -
gemdiver00 wrote: »PinkPixiexox wrote: »Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate.
I stopped reading right there, break up with him.
Men feel loved and wanted through physical intimacy, we are wired that way. Let him go so that he can find someone who is interested in loving him.
Continue working on yourself, you're doing a good job.
So you stopped right there and didn't bother to read anything else in the thread. Great job.0 -
Changing is like getting fit. You can't spot reduce and you can't only change compartmentally. I'm sorry your boyfriend is such a douch. You have to grow for yourself and that can be painful at times.the reality is that people can change if they want to. What they resist is when it's forced on them. so you've started to change (lose weight) because you want to.
You caneither honor that urge in yourself or cancel it and return to the safety of the known. It's a hard place to be in and only you can make that decision.
You might ask yourself, which is preferable, the familiarity of what you already know, or the outcome of what is possible.0 -
gardenbikefamily wrote: »Sounds like you are not that into him anymore
Sounds like you didn't read the whole thread.PinkPixiexox wrote: »I literally have tears in my eyes from all of your incredible, kind and honest posts. I needed to reach out somewhere - anywhere - because I was becoming very sad with the way things were progressing. I don't have an eating disorder and I do make sure I fuel my body sufficiently but what I DO have is an irrational fear of gaining weight. I have been overweight all of my life. Not being overweight is totally new to me. Sometimes I am still the 'fat girl' in my head despite being visibly smaller than I was.
I don't mean to sound over the top - but all of your comments and advice I have taken on board and you may have saved my relationship of 8 years. I sat my boyfriend down this evening and laid it out on the table - exactly how I feel and how I've felt trapped in this strange 'healthy prison'. I actually showed him this post and every single one of your replies. We both agreed with every thing said and we both decided that I need some kind of talking therapy to help me change my attitude toward weight gain. I put so much importance on those weekly losses to the detriment of my happiness and every one around me.
I definitely feel like I have 'woken up' from a very bad situation - literally, thanks to each and every one of you. I will allow myself to loosen up every now and again and I will no longer beat myself up over an meal out or a special occasion with friends or .. a piece of cake! I know to most it's just a simple post on a forum - but I can't begin to tell you how valuable your advice has been for me. For my relationship. Thank you all and lots of love0 -
PinkPixiexox wrote: »I'm gonna give some advice that is meant with the best intentions. I think you are being rigid and that maybe it is what you need right now. However it also sounds like your relationship is important to you. I would recommend going to see a counselor and working on your issues and working with the counselor on making fundamental plans for some of the problematic times you have listed. I want to say...you can eat out and make it work, but right now that isn't really helpful or use able advice. Working with someone might help you figure out how to make it so.
As an aside, I have used therapy to help me with my head and my body. I could not recommend it more.
Hugs!
Thank you for your kind words.
I have considered speaking to my Doctor in hope that they will refer me to some kind of therapist that can help me treat these issues but I fear I will be medicated and not a lot else. I am already on an anti depressant prescribed by my Dr for anxiety related issues and I have a strong feeling that they will simply increase the dose and hope for the best. I'm hoping not - and trying won't hurt. So I will certainly look into doing that. Thank you again. x
Yoga for Emotional Flow (How to Ride the Wave of) is a CD that has helped me with anxiety.
There aren't any actual yoga postures:
- CD 1 is about yoga philosophy and modern psychology. (The author is also a psychotherapist in addition to being an amazing yoga teacher and writer. I've taken several of his workshops and have two of his books.)
- CD 2 is comprised of three guided meditations which build on what was taught in CD 1.
I listen to CD 1 when I'm at the dentist and use CD 2 during high stress periods.
I have Xanax to use as needed, which averages out to just a few times per year now. I had to fight with my VA doc for this initially - he kept telling me how addictive it was - I kept reminding him he only gives me a five pill prescription.
I have to advocate for myself quite vigorously in the VA, and except for one procedure, they've always come around. I think if you stick to your guns for therapy as opposed to a higher dose, yours will come around as well.
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gemdiver00 wrote: »PinkPixiexox wrote: »Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate.
I stopped reading right there, break up with him.
Men feel loved and wanted through physical intimacy, we are wired that way. Let him go so that he can find someone who is interested in loving him.
Continue working on yourself, you're doing a good job.
This is such misogynistic crap. Poor men.gemdiver00 wrote: »PinkPixiexox wrote: »Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate.
I stopped reading right there, break up with him.
Men feel loved and wanted through physical intimacy, we are wired that way. Let him go so that he can find someone who is interested in loving him.
Continue working on yourself, you're doing a good job.
What absolute misogynist crap this is. Congrats on not only being amazingly man-splainy but also having almost zero reading comprehension.0 -
Lots of good feedback here. When I am in the 'zone' and motivated, I too am rigid. Eating out? What? If I can't count everything, I won't eat it. My SO once said'" we've been together 10 years, why now do you suddenly care about getting healthy? Did you meet someone?"
I think your partner is insecure and perhaps fears losing you. It's unfair of him to make you feel guilty.
On the flip side- for many men, sex is a very important ingredient in a relationship. Like you, I'm not interested. I can go.... Maybe forever without it. I blame it on being overweight, stress is big, tired, feeling that his desire for sex is purely mechanical and has nothing to do with attraction toward me. He's told me before im letting myself go. Anyway I counter blame him for that and never hugging me or kissing me or touching me like he wants intimacy. His foreplay is ' hey, wanna bang?'
Lol ugh.
Sorry tmi.
Regardless- I try to save our marriage. I don't WANT sex much at all but I do it anyway. It's not about just me, my needs or wants. I have to consider his too.0
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