how do you deal with failure days?
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I can't encourage you enough to seek out a counselor or MH professional to help you with this. The idea that overeating makes you think that you are a failure as a person is something that should be confronted in a supportive, therapeutic setting. I have a long and varied history with binging and counseling was a necessary piece of returning to health.
The other advice is to not beat yourself, but don't forget it either. Learn from it. Look at what happened and why...in hopes of being able to do something different next time. That can help you feel less hopeless and less like a failure because you are using that instance to inform you to make better choices in the future.
Another vote for therapy.
For additional help with negative self talk, check out this movie, which is available in my library system so maybe yours as well:
You Can Heal Your Life, the movie, expanded version
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I'm 54 years old and after a lifelong battle with obesity, I'm finally succeeding. So far I've lost 115 lbs. My biggest failure in life was my weight. I could do anything I set my mind to, except lose the weight. In December 2012, I started a weight loss journey that I had no expectations would be successful. After all, I had more than 30 years of historical proof that I was a failure when it came to my weight. The biggest change I made was re-wiring my brain. You have to realize you're human and will never be perfect. The key is to get back on track and never give up. Many people who knew me as a 300-lb. woman flock to me these days wanting to know how I did it and many have insisted that I create a blog about my journey. If you're interested, here it is: http://blossomingvilma.blogspot.com/ Maybe something I learned along the way can help you learn how to deal with setbacks, binging, and not being perfect.
Very inspiring.
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I think it's less of a failure and more of a setback. It's part of the process, IMO. Everyone who accomplishes something big is going to have had setbacks and rough days or periods.
So, after the setback, just go back to losing. That's all.
Don't make it a bigger deal than it is, KWIM?0 -
I would suggest removing the language of calling it a failure day. It seems like adding too much judgement and moralization to eating.
If you intended to go the beach one day, and ended up not going, you don't call it a failure day because you didn't go to the beach like you wanted, do you? Why be any harsher about how you ate?0 -
I don't deal with it, I just carry on with my plan. Going off plan now and then is not a failure, it's just the way life is. Failure would be not getting back to plan after.0
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I had a day like that yesterday, and I know repeatedly thinking "wow there is so much wrong with you, you're a failure you deserve nothing good" etc. is not something that's going to help. It will make me want to eat. Do you have ways of dealing with this?
You can deal with this unhelpful negative thinking by mindfully, calmly, pay attention to it as it is happening, and (1) argue with every single sentence that puts you down by refuting it with how much you have already accomplished, that one day falling off-goal is not catastrophic, that you will do better tomorrow, etc. At first this can be very time-consuming, but after some time of doing it, you will find that you have trained your mind to argue in YOUR favor just as it is currently used to putting you down.
And/or (2) get in the mindset of a scientist and just observe it, this weird little robot that lives in your mind that gets triggered and start talking, talking, talking, saying all these ridiculous things. Where did it learn to say all these things? Who does it think it is? What other kinds of situations make it start talking like this? Become an investigator into your own brain.
Ultimately, a single day is very insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Weight-loss and health is more about persistence and consistency. If you are generally doing healthful things, indulging yourself now and then is perfectly OK
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After having a bad day myself I really needed some of the positive comments on here0
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One of the first things I'd say is...you need to be your own best friend. Your best friend would not tell you that you're a failure. Your BF is the one that supports you thru the tough times and tells you what a great job you've been doing all along and that one day won't change that. Not even one day a week will change that.
I do not allow myself to say things to myself that I wouldn't want someone else to say to me.
This whole thing is a process. You're learning so many things about yourself, your relationship with food, your relationship with others. You're learning what foods satisfy you, which ones don't, which ones may initiate a binge, which ones you really like, which ones you could live without. You're learning how to live your life within the parameters of being conscious of health and fitness. It takes time, patience, and allowing yourself to be human.
Perception is everything. If you call yourself a failure, see your actions as failures, you're setting yourself up to continue those same failures. Changing your personal perception may not be easy, but it is very possible. I did it. A lot of us have done it. You can too, I promise you! Every single time you do well, you meet a goal you've set for yourself, you need to be your loudest cheerleader. Log what you eat. The good, the bad, the ugly. Guesstimate if you have to. You have to be honest with yourself. It helps in ways you don't think of...if you're honest about what's going in your body, it's easier to believe yourself when you congratulate yourself for meeting a goal you set. Loving yourself is something you either start this process with, or you achieve it at some point. I wish you all the best 0 -
Going over from time to time happens to everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. We all have off days, days where we misjudge calories or portions, unexpected dinners out, etc. As long as it's not a frequent occurrence, just log it and start fresh the next day. It doesn't make you a failure and it won't sabotage your progress. It just makes you human.0
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »
I have days where I overeat (a lot) where my logging is sloppy, where I just say "who cares?!" and throw everything out the window. But my weight loss process is just one facet of who I am, and I never for one minute thought that I was a "failure of a person" because I ate too much.
Absolutely. Usually when this happens, too, I'm enjoying life a lot. So, it's just an aspect of one day in a string of many, many, many days.
OP, I would echo the advice to not get unnecessarily undone or upset about an "off" day. Getting stuck in any kind of negative emotions -- playing that tape over and over again in your head -- is just not beneficial at all.
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The only day I would consider a true failure, is the one on which I never woke up. Every day is a success on this side of the dirt xo0
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Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »You realize that in the long run, one day is not going to make much difference in your weight loss goals. You just pick up where you left off the next day, and don't worry about it.
It says nothing about your moral character to go over your calories for one day, and the overall impact is going to be negligible. There is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up and dwell on a bad day.
Try not assigning any moral value to your eating habits. It's just food!
This is great advice. You use your conscious, rational mind to control your subconscious fears which would otherwise drive your behaviour.
The way you eat does not define your worth as a human being. Sometimes it is hard to remember that as we are constantly sold the message that the way we look defines our worth and the way we eat defines the way we look.
Don't buy into that thinking. Fight the power!0 -
Everybody messes up. Everybody. Every single person on here is a human being who is not perfect. That being said, what you need to do is work on stopping the negative self talk. I think this is probably one of the biggest reasons so many people give up after awhile. They have a bad day, chastise themselves, and then give up convincing themselves they are unable to be successful. Its just a way to sabotage yourself.
I still srtuggle with this sometimes, but I am getting much better. It took me about a year and a half to lose my weight and I have been maintaining for that same amount of time. Two days ago, I over ate by around 1500 calories. (oh that entire pint of Ben and Jerry's was good lol) Instead of beating myself up over it, I just carry on as usual the next day. Unless I start eating like this all the time, its not going to hurt.0 -
it happens. the next time i eat, i can make different choices to help me to my goal...no worries.0
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Everybody messes up. Everybody. Every single person on here is a human being who is not perfect. That being said, what you need to do is work on stopping the negative self talk. I think this is probably one of the biggest reasons so many people give up after awhile. They have a bad day, chastise themselves, and then give up convincing themselves they are unable to be successful. Its just a way to sabotage yourself.
I still srtuggle with this sometimes, but I am getting much better. It took me about a year and a half to lose my weight and I have been maintaining for that same amount of time. Two days ago, I over ate by around 1500 calories. (oh that entire pint of Ben and Jerry's was good lol) Instead of beating myself up over it, I just carry on as usual the next day. Unless I start eating like this all the time, its not going to hurt.
Whoa mama! Look at you and that transformation!!! AWESOME JOB!!!0 -
JustMissTracy wrote: »The only day I would consider a true failure, is the one on which I never woke up. Every day is a success on this side of the dirt xo
that is the perspective I need to remember. That just hit me over the head. Thank you.
I really want to thank everyone who commented. It was really touching and inspiring to read about how you all face this problem with grace and confidence. I should keep this marked and reread it. Thank you so much.
I really looked back at my words and yes, I do tend to automatically go to "I'm a failure" "I can't do this" "I don't deserve good things" not just about food but about homework, cleaning, etc. Everything I'm not good at is a "failure" therefore so am I. It's a very well-travelled road of logic that I guess is so easy to slip into.
It's been a couple of days, and I'm working to stop obsessing about it. I went over again yesterday, and I don't think I would have done that if I wasn't still thinking about how badly I went over on saturday. I'm very afraid that I will slip back into old habits and will gain back everything. But I know I am capable of choosing something else. It's been a hard few weeks, and I need to mention this to my therapist (thanks for everyone who mentioned therapy, I am in therapy but I find it so hard to bring up food/eating/body things I've only said something once). I know these thoughts are dumb and unrealistic, and I usually see them as such, but sometimes they do take over. Thank you guys so much.0 -
JustMissTracy wrote: »Everybody messes up. Everybody. Every single person on here is a human being who is not perfect. That being said, what you need to do is work on stopping the negative self talk. I think this is probably one of the biggest reasons so many people give up after awhile. They have a bad day, chastise themselves, and then give up convincing themselves they are unable to be successful. Its just a way to sabotage yourself.
I still srtuggle with this sometimes, but I am getting much better. It took me about a year and a half to lose my weight and I have been maintaining for that same amount of time. Two days ago, I over ate by around 1500 calories. (oh that entire pint of Ben and Jerry's was good lol) Instead of beating myself up over it, I just carry on as usual the next day. Unless I start eating like this all the time, its not going to hurt.
Whoa mama! Look at you and that transformation!!! AWESOME JOB!!!
Thank you!
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JustMissTracy wrote: »Everybody messes up. Everybody. Every single person on here is a human being who is not perfect. That being said, what you need to do is work on stopping the negative self talk. I think this is probably one of the biggest reasons so many people give up after awhile. They have a bad day, chastise themselves, and then give up convincing themselves they are unable to be successful. Its just a way to sabotage yourself.
I still srtuggle with this sometimes, but I am getting much better. It took me about a year and a half to lose my weight and I have been maintaining for that same amount of time. Two days ago, I over ate by around 1500 calories. (oh that entire pint of Ben and Jerry's was good lol) Instead of beating myself up over it, I just carry on as usual the next day. Unless I start eating like this all the time, its not going to hurt.
Whoa mama! Look at you and that transformation!!! AWESOME JOB!!!
She's cheating a posting pictures of two different people!!! Just kidding....such an incredible transformation. Mind. Blown!
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I have them all the time. I just keep a bigger deficit the other days to make up for it.0
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There have been two ways that I deal with them:
1. Log the day and move on. Keep losing weight.
2. Use it as an excuse to return to bad habits and horrible eating patterns, gain 30 pounds until coming to my senses and starting over. Return to losing weight.
Choose your path.0 -
mommarnurse wrote: »Are you having those days a lot ? (Like, more than just once a month )
My first response was "no" but I double checked, and yes, I've had 6 in the past 30 days.
it's probably negating everything I've tried to work for, isn't it?
Is it? Check the numbers and see if you still managed to create a deficit over the 30 days or not.
There was a time when I was trying to exist on 1200 cal/day but after a couple months, every third or fourth day I would overeat considerably. I think I just had my calories set lower than what I could stand, energy-wise and hunger-wise. I brought my calories up since that time and although I have gone over quite a few days, I haven't gone over by that much. Losing slowly and more comfortably.
Protect your self esteem. Don't set yourself up for failure. Increase your daily calorie goal a little.
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i like that advice..shadowfax_c11 wrote: »It is fine to fail as long as you learn something. Instead of beating yourself up for failing try looking at your day and asking yourself what you can do different tomorrow and the next day that will help you to do better.
Failing is fine. People do it all of the time. It is part of learning. What is unacceptable is quitting.
this is what i do infact... i remember before when i use to be that way.. beating myself up about over eating sometimes i still do.. not much as i did before i always have a couple days of the week where iam over 2000 calories even tho iam trying to lose a few lbs i dont plan them they just happen... when it does i go look at my
macros first see if iam lacking protiens and fats mainly .. also i look at what influenced me to over eat which is
most likely stress. and dehydrate. ____ we just have to find the fault in our failures.. and make better choices0 -
I log it as accurately as I can and move on. No need to harp on it.0
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By going to bed and waking up to a brand new day where I kick my *kitten* into gear
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Thanks so much for the original post and all of the answers! I came here today to moan and complain about doing the exact same thing. I appreciate being reminded that it's ok to be human.0
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Are there things you do to help you feel better or deal with days that, whatever the reason, you really overate on unhealthy foods? This isn't targeted towards people who never mess up, or about days where you go 100 cal over your goal. But like, big mess-ups. How do you accept it and move on, or account for it so that you stop beating yourself over the head with how much of a failure of a person you are?
I had a day like that yesterday, and I know repeatedly thinking "wow there is so much wrong with you, you're a failure you deserve nothing good" etc. is not something that's going to help. It will make me want to eat. Do you have ways of dealing with this?
I've had many days like this. I used to struggle with binge eating. i tried different things like listing things I could do before a binge, or journaling or writing out what I would binge on before I did so I could really look at how much I was willing to hurt myself with food.
Bottom line I had to figure out why I was willing to punish myself with food for years. Once I started dealing with the underlying stuff, I stopped self medicating. Sure do I slip up now, I do. But not like before0 -
I would suggest removing the language of calling it a failure day. It seems like adding too much judgement and moralization to eating.
If you intended to go the beach one day, and ended up not going, you don't call it a failure day because you didn't go to the beach like you wanted, do you? Why be any harsher about how you ate?
Great point.
As an adult we get to decide what to eat. I did tow the line for one year but was on the road last week and did eat some custard a few times as well as some oranges. Dr. William Davis thanks the grains are to be avoided and some types are sugar are so so.
While the Georgia Peach flavor of the day custard was good it did not make me feel any better in the long run.
I do think Wheat Belly Total Health research is on target that it is mainly the grains that makes some of us very unhealthy. Sugar does bring along a lot of calories that can blow a calorie deficit however.
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goldthistime wrote: »mommarnurse wrote: »Are you having those days a lot ? (Like, more than just once a month )
My first response was "no" but I double checked, and yes, I've had 6 in the past 30 days. it's probably negating everything I've tried to work for, isn't it?
Is it? Check the numbers and see if you still managed to create a deficit over the 30 days or not.
There was a time when I was trying to exist on 1200 cal/day but after a couple months, every third or fourth day I would overeat considerably. I think I just had my calories set lower than what I could stand, energy-wise and hunger-wise. I brought my calories up since that time and although I have gone over quite a few days, I haven't gone over by that much. Losing slowly and more comfortably.
Protect your self esteem. Don't set yourself up for failure. Increase your daily calorie goal a little.
I was just thinking this exact same thing...maybe increasing your daily calorie allowance will help, and you will be fuller, and not go over...thereby keeping yourself motivated the next day...just an idea! xo0 -
I have battled this all my life. First thing to realize on this journey is that you are human. It isn't a question of if you'll stumble but when.
So it isn't a question of if you'll fall off the wagon, but how long you'll stay there. Sooner you get back up, the better.
There are days that I'll not have the room to go to dinner, but can't get out of going out. So, I try to minimize the damage - focus on protein, know that I'm going over that day, but that's gonig to happen sometimes. Life happens when you make other plans.
The worst thing you can do is get into the rut of negative self talk. That's part of how we all got to being not where we want to be with ourselves.
When I was really on my game (it's been about a year or so and finally gotten it back), one of my co-workers told me that one of the things she liked about the way I was approaching my journey was that I'd have that bit of cake or pie. I wasn't depriving myself of stuff - but I'd say - "Okay - I'm having this one lemon bar - you guys need to get the rest away from me though!" LOL
Know your limitations/boundaries and don't be afraid to ask for stuff like that that will make your path easier. I remember going to see my dad in the hospital once...in the reception area on his floor was a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Love them! I was so proud of myself for diverting the family back to his room without grabbing one - only to see my sister walk in with one in her hand and sit down next to me. I'm like, "F-ing REALLY??!!" I just looked at her like, "You've GOT to be kidding me!!" and said, "would you mind going over there and eatiing that please?" Of course, everybody cracked up laughing as if, Would you mind not putting liquor next to the alcohol addict? (Or if you've seen the movie "Broken Arrow" with John Travolta and Christian Slater - John Travolta says something like, "Would you mind not shooting at the thermo-nuclear weapon?")
For what it's worth - and good luck!!
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I would suggest removing the language of calling it a failure day. It seems like adding too much judgement and moralization to eating.
If you intended to go the beach one day, and ended up not going, you don't call it a failure day because you didn't go to the beach like you wanted, do you? Why be any harsher about how you ate?
I thought about this one a lot, and I actually realized I do that. If I wanted to read my book and I ended up not reading my book, I would be similarly as harsh. I have had days where just that has happened. "I was supposed to sit around and enjoy my book, not spent x hours on the internet! I'm so mad! I'm such a failure I can't even do something I want to for fun!"
Sub in writing, going shopping, playing guitar, going for a walk, working on homework, cleaning, laundry, getting groceries, organizing, going to the gym, even watching a tv show I'm interested in. I actually think this way quite frequently, to varying degrees. That's probably a problem. That's probably the main problem.
Thank you for the reality check!0
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