WOMEN AGES 50 + FOR SEPTEMBER 2015
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I am really appreciating all the posts about celebrating (or not) holidays. I think people our age are in a big transition period if kids and parents are gone or far away. I have already begun to dread holidays. Could really use some suggestions. Last year we had some friends over for Thanksgiving and it worked out fine. What is really hard is not knowing people's plans until the end, which leads me to the thought that we should make our own plans and let the chips fall where they may.
Pip, hope you feel better soon!
Joyce, you do not seem to have a selfish bone in your body. Sometimes we cannot help the people we are closest to and need someone professional or more objective to step in and take over for a bit.
The scale has been despising me this week. Trying so hard to not give in...
Betty0 -
My tablet wasn't charging again last night, but I have done my magic and it's behaving itself now. Phew!
Had a jar of French fish soup for lunch. I did all extras with croutons I had in the freezer, grated cheese and some rouille. It was HEAVENLY! So heavenly in fact that I went straight out and bought two more jars to have when my brother comes for my birthday next Friday.
Talk about an easy starter! It wasn't too salty, which is unusual. We are also going to have a fillet of beef done carpaccio (nearly raw) marinated in Asian spices. Picky bits. All this so I don't actually have to cook on the day. Runny, stinky cheese for dessert. Yeah! ! ! ! DH said he would break open a bottle of champagne he had bought for his birthday toast on the afternoon of the party 
This pm I will make more croutons when I roast our guinea fowl for tonight. Put them in the freezer.
We had a big shop when we had only gone out for milk. When I get into that fishmonger I am a devil.
££££££££££ s.
DH is VERY happy this afternoon because Hampshire cricket team are staying up in the 1st division! ! ! ! ! ! ! :drinker: It went to the wire and depended on Sussex losing this afternoon. Hooray!
Love to all. Heather x x x x UK0 -
Kim, All the years my mother was alive I was manipulated into being part of holiday celebrations that never satisfied her and kept me from doing anything that I might have chosen as an alternative. Over the years since she died, my husband and I have tried many different celebrations--making a special meal for just the two of us, going to a restaurant, going to a family celebration at someone else's house, going out with a group of friends (some single, some couples), and eventually got to a place where we ignore holidays completely. It happened over time with continued inventory of what we were really looking for. I hope you will keep looking for the people to share holidays with. Do not be discouraged, the next person you meet might be the friend you've been looking for and you might be the friend she's been looking for.
Barbie
PS....I taught first grade in public school for decades....we spent so much energy with holiday decorations, food, songs, art projects, and celebrations, that by the time the actual date of the holiday came around, I was done with celebrating....that might have contributed to my loss of enthusiasm about holidays.0 -
Joyce When someone is as sick as Charlie they can only think of themselves.
I agree with Heather in getting help. He came home too soon and now you have the stress of caring for a very ill person.
It is not selfish of you to take a break you need it so you can give him care. Found it interesting that he finally ate when you were not present. Sounds like he is trying to control you because his body is so out or control. We have the same problem with our son. He tries to control us in unhealthy ways because his own health is so out of control. Knowing this helps, but does not always make it easier.
I have made the decision to find a new choir. I have sang in a church choir for twenty years. The current choir director teaches music to children as her day job. The problem is she treats us like we are those children. She has outstanding voices in her choir who know what to do with little direction. She does not trust that which is too bad i.e. I find her too bent on short term and loses sight of the long term. I unfortunately have used her as an example of what not to do when I am working with children as I sub. (That is a red flag for me). She tries to make up for it by being over complementary that I just find annoying. The main reason I will find another group is she takes the joy out of singing for me. I know what I am looking for in a choir director. Hopefully I can find it.
This is what I am looking for in this order:
1. The most important thing is the message we are delivering as we sing.
2. Singing is fun.
3. We work on the technical parts of the song with #1 and #2 to guide us.
This is what I am looking for. I have had too many directors who say #1 is what they are about only to get lost in the technical aspects of singing. I agree there are skills to develop in singing. Just not at the expense of the message.
Thanks for letting clarify my thoughts on this matter. It will help as I seek out a new choir. MNMargaret 0 -
Happy Friday ! ! !
Mindy – while calling the man a loser was your anger talking, you were precise with your expectations of his responsibilities and the consequences. You held up your end of the bargain when he did not. Taking it away is preferable to breaking it, and if it were me, I would definitely increase the responsibilities required to earn back the machine or controllers or whatever. Hold your head high, and maybe consider putting the responsibilities, rewards, and consequences in writing with a time-frame. Hugs ! ! ! // Give yourself a break, and be upfront with your boss when you have the talk. People make mistakes; now you have to cut your losses and accept the consequences. May I offer the suggestion DS and DH and I use? Take a picture of the schedule, then also put it into the calendar on your phone. It can never hurt to have a back-up plan. More Hugs ! ! !
Kim – My holiday plans change from year to year. Last year DH chose to NOT pay my mammogram bill, so I boycotted the holiday and stayed home alone while he and DS went to Minnesota, because I couldn’t see how spending money on a hotel was more important than my life. Other years we have stayed home and had a small, quiet celebration without gifts (my DH makes the best turkey ever!) Other years we all drive to Minnesota to celebrate with the inlaws. Then other years, one or the other of us has to work sometime surrounding the Holiday, so we either stay home together or travel alone with DS to visit family. If you were nearby, I would invite you to be bored (I mean relaxed) with us. Sometimes over Thanksgiving we go Black Friday shopping at midnight or whatever time the store opens that has the deal we “just have to get”. When I stay home alone, I usually share 1 meal with my Dad, then spend the rest of the time catching up on the movies/DVD’s that no one else wants to watch. My sister’s inlaws are non-negotiating with Holidays, so we see her whenever her inlaws will “allow”, otherwise just exchange texts. One year my Mom saw a news article about all the homeless people in the Milwaukee area, so we made sandwiches and drove around giving them to people and singing Christmas Carols along with the radio. Another year DD and I were going to be alone for the first time, so we made a small traditional meal, and off the china and drank milk from the champagne glasses. There are plenty of “rescue” facilities that would welcome more volunteers. Also, several years ago, DD and I were assigned Thursday as our day to volunteer at the Cat Shelter, and when I stopped in after Thanksgiving supper, I was the only person who signed the book saying that they stopped in to do their work. The people who ran the Humane Shelter called me at home and thanked me personally the next day. Since my Dad always owned a service Station that included plows and tow trucks, we learned to make the best of what life had to offer. Then I moved away for college, so holidays were celebrated whenever I could make the 6 hour drive back home. Then DH and I owned a restaurant that was open every day of the year, so celebrations happened when either we could get someone else to work, or when the business slowed enough to close. Family support in our family means making the best of what we can, when we can, how we can. I don’t know if any of this will help you brainstorm what to do, but I sure hope you can find what works for you.
Katla – L O V E your DS’s suggestion of spending the holiday somewhere exotic. I can’t imagine anything better than sand, water, and pina coladas while sitting in the shade of a palm tree while DS splashes around in the waves and plays ball with a bunch of boys that can’t speak each other’s languages (kids are awesome that way, aren’t they?). My heart is smiling right now. I want to do something fun !
Yes, change can be scary. But sometimes it is necessary. My Dad joined the Moose, and now he has a place to go where he is never alone. If he shows up for dinner without bringing a guest, there will be someone he can sit with and chat during dinner. That was also my favorite thing about karaoke when I lived in Minnesota. Anywhere that I went, there was someone I knew, and I could join them. Even when vacationing, I can walk into karaoke and occupy myself looking at the book, say something nice to someone after they sing, and before long we will be friends.
Wow. I typed a book here. I better get it transferred, so I can catch up on my reading soon. Hugs for Everyone ! ! !
Terri in Milwaukee0 -
Margaret, I admire the way you took stock of what you are looking for in a choir so you can make a good choice for yourself....I wish you the best in finding the one that works for you. One of the books I read, that influenced my life said "Identify the problem" then you can find a solution Barbie 0
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Interesting, Barbie. Since my mother was church organist/choir director all my childhood, she always worked on religious holidays. Being the perfectionist she still is, she never let that stop her from arranging holiday decorations and meals and all the other stuff, but nonetheless, holidays were always some work, not all play.I taught first grade in public school for decades....we spent so much energy with holiday decorations, food, songs, art projects, and celebrations, that by the time the actual date of the holiday came around, I was done with celebrating....that might have contributed to my loss of enthusiasm about holidays.
Choir director's daughter that I am, of course I have a take on this toomargaretturk wrote: »1. The most important thing is the message we are delivering as we sing.
2. Singing is fun.
3. We work on the technical parts of the song with #1 and #2 to guide us.
Thanks for letting clarify my thoughts on this matter. It will help as I seek out a new choir. MNMargaret
Basically I agree with Margaret. But in addition, one of my central requirements is that the conductor can conduct! It has to be clear where the beat is, what the dynamics are, when different voices are supposed to come in, where the consonants go at the cutoff...Joke of the day:
How many choir directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nobody knows, because nobody was watching.
Again, being my mother's daughter, I'm one of that rare breed who actually LOOKS at the conductor the whole time. They'd better be worth it!0 -
morning peeps0
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Pip good morning. How did your first night go?
My good friend, ex-daughter in laws Mom, passed this morning. She was diagnosed with aggressive brain tumor about six weeks ago. The family made the decision to take her off of life support last night as there was no brain activity for the last 48 hours. Not an easy decision. Please remember them all in your thots and prayers.
Janetr OKC0 -
Pip – Happy to see you are home. Rest up and heal.
Mindy – Sending you wishes for courage when you talk to your boss. I hope he (she?) will be understanding and will give you a second chance.
Sylvia – I’m glad to see you have been referred to a specialist. Crossing my fingers that you get some helpful answers and relief.
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Yesterday at work they had an event sponsoring the Humane Society to garner interest in a fund raising walk in Oct. They had human, dog, and cat treats for sale. They also had a lovely dog and cat who were up for adoption. It was so hard to walk away from that gorgeous kitty and fluffy dog. I overheard someone making arrangements to adopt the dog. Someone else asked them to take the kitten out of her crate so they could make sure she would allow claw clipping so I have high hopes the kitty also found a forever home. I find pet adoption events very painful to attend. Mike is constantly reminding me that I cannot rescue all of the animals. He’s right, but I sure would like to try.
Had a Dr. appointment this morning. While on vacation I developed what I thought was a rash or bug bite in the crack of my rear end. It hurts and itches at the same time. Since it hasn’t cleared up in a week I finally caved and went to see Dr. He thinks it is shingles! Nothing to be done for it at this point. Just grin and bear it. While I was in the Dr. office they persuaded me to get the flu shot. I know it is a good idea, but I still hate it.
On the way into work I stopped and got a fast food breakfast sandwich. I could only eat about half of it. If I do that again I will skip the cheese and meat. This week I have learned that I no longer really like my favorite full fat cheese (Quick! Grab Heather before she faints in shock.) Reese’s peanut butter cups don’t taste as yummy as they once did. Store bought chocolate chips cookies are also not worth bothering over. My tastes are definitely changing.
Did I mention that I travel with my pillow? While on vacation last week I accidently left my pillow behind at the hotel so I’ve been using a spare pillow. Yesterday there was a box waiting for me. My pillow has returned home! I finally got a good night’s rest last night.
Mia in MI
September goals:
Continue to honestly log food every day
Weigh and measure all food that I prepare at home
Get at least 15 min per day of aerobic exercise
64 oz. water (or what counts as water for my program) daily
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Kim - you are welcome to come to my house for the holidays! Usually just me and DH on Thanksgiving. We invite the kids but the weather usually keeps them away. Christmas last year we rented a hotel suite and invited kids and family very small turn out 14 people. Then DH's DM's with her and DBNL and niece. Then my DM and 25 family members at sister house. You are welcome to join us! We play the dice game where everyone brings inexpensive wrapped gifts and if you get doubles you take a gift until all are taken then unwrap you keep 2-3 if you don't win you pick from others that have over 3. Then we can play and take from the left over pile. We have a great time. Minnesota is not an exotic location but we usually have a white Christmas!
Have a great day everyone!
Mary from Minnesota0 -
Mia - I'm surprised that they had you get a flu shot when your body is trying to fight off the Shingle virus! (((hugs)))
Mary from Minnesota0 -
Kim: I haven't been to SF since I was a teen. I'll run the idea past the guys. There have been major changes since then, including a massive earthquake many years ago. DS is lobbying for Savannah, Key West, or New Orleans. I haven't been to any of those places. I understand your feelings. Christmas is a time to be with loved ones and it is agonizing to feel left out of the "good cheer." :flowerforyou:
Gayle in Minneapolis: I like the old traditions, too. :ohwell:
Becca: DS is in the military and we have had to adjust holidays, too. Two years ago he was deployed, & last year he went with DDIL to her parent's place. She's going there again and it is generous of both of them for him to spend the holidays with us.
Joyce: Your Christmas traditions are wonderful. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with Charlie now. You made the best decision you could about bringing him home, and the load has fallen on you. It must be very hard. Are there family members nearby who could give you a few hours off? :flowerforyou:
Penny & Heather: You've given several of us good advice about flexibility during the holidays. It was wisdom I needed to hear & I appreciate it very much. :flowerforyou:
Barbie: I am also a retired teacher. I taught 2nd through 8th grades over the years and have quite an elaborate wardrobe of Christmas sweaters. They're all too big now, thanks to MFP, hard work, and all of you. :bigsmile:
MNMargaret: I hope you find the right choir before the holiday season begins. Music brings joy when it is done the right way, and "joyful" is more important than "tuneful" or "technical correctness." :flowerforyou:
Mia in MN: Anyone who had chickenpox is in line for shingles. There is a vaccination and I have had it, but it is not a guarantee. DH won't take the vaccination because he fears that it will actually cause the shingles. He has enough health issues and considers that vaccination a risk. :noway:
Pip: Morning back-atcha! I hope you read all the warnings about the personally identifiable aspects of your surgical xray and can crop it to protect your privacy. I am so glad you had the break fixed! Someone should "fix" the original doctor who called you a sedentary worker. :devil:
Yoga today, but no horseback riding lesson. My lessons have been moved to Saturdays so they will fit in my teacher's new schedule. I will likely miss some lessons when family obligations intervene, & I hope she won't mind. She's been flexible until now, and I imagine that will continue.
Katla in Beautiful NW Oregon
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” Thomas A. Edison
September Goals :
1. Log every bite and swallow.
2. Cardio exercise at least 3 days a week. Work on flexibility and back strength.
3. Have fun every day.
4. Drink at least three glasses of water daily, preferably more!
5. Eliminate alcohol.
6. Monitor sleep. Try to average 7 or more hours of sleep nightly.
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Joyce – I repeat my feelings for you as I stated regarding Mindy. Cut yourself some slack. You are human, and VERY vested in Charlie’s health and the entire relationship. I get that. When my Mom broke her hip, I transferred her from toilet to wheelchair to bed in spite of the ruptured disc in my back, then got mad at her (to a safe friend, not to her face) for causing me such pain, then felt guilty because she had “real” pain. I have since forgiven myself for those temporary feelings, knowing I did what I knew best at that moment in time. You are allowed to have your feelings, and frustrations, and weaknesses. He still considers himself the victim, and he has the right to those feelings, too. But that doesn't mean you have to own his feelings. Being the primary caregiver for an adult (and especially spouse) is difficult. I’m certain you are doing your best. Feel free to dump those feelings here, as it is safe. Hugs ! ! !
Mindy – My Dad saw “A Walk in the Woods” last night and said it was Very Funny.
Mia – Hooray for your pillow. I’m the same way with my pillow(s).
This weekend my DH is working Sat. 6pm to Sun. 6am, so I am taking DS by myself to a bowling tournament. It is a 2 hour drive South into Illinois. He has won this tournament in the past, so hopefully he is hot and finding his mark this weekend, so we can get the first win under his belt, and relax the remainder of the season. Of course he is not too happy about being on the road at 5am, but I’m sure he’ll sleep most of the way. Each of them got a new 3-ball bag, so it will also be nice to have to carry only 1 extra ball (I don’t understand the need for so many balls, but since I have multiple crochet hooks and looms, so I guess it’s one of those things I will never understand).
Last night I was weak and ate a miniature cherry pie (yes, I logged it), so today I need to be extra-vigilant about my choices, as I do NOT want to see a gain on that scale. Back on the wagon ! ! ! I will also pack fruit, veggies, and a sandwich for Sunday, so I can control my intake (and some money by only purchasing food for DS). Hopefully there will be a little money left to start replacing the clothes that is too small for DS again already. Who keeps fertilizing this kid?
Ok, time to get some work done before lunch. I hope everyone makes wise choices today.
More Hugs ! ! !
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Joyce - does Charlie quality for PCA a Personal Care Attendant? You can have him evaluated by the hospital social worker. Or even the PT that worked with him.
Mary from Minnesota0 -
Kim - I feel for you in your struggle to make sense of the holidays. While I was married, it was easy. After the divorce, not so much. I really don't like either Thanksgiving or Christmas and would not celebrate either if it wasn't for my kids. As it is, My ex had the kids for Thanksgiving lunch and I gave up on trying to make a celebration out of dinner--they weren't interested. Two years ago, I went to a senior adult covered dish Thanksgiving lunch at my church--I was the youngest there by far! Last year, a friend just happened to be in town and I went to her brother's house (very uncomfortable) and my son went to my parents' instead of coming home. This year, I plan to ignore it altogether unless my kids decide they want to spend it with me. As for Christmas, I haven't decorated in a number of years. Until last year, my son put up the Christmas tree with just a few of his favorite ornaments on it (last year I was packing the house for moving). But, I end up spending the day alone from 10 a.m. until dinner time. Last year, we broke tradition and traveled to my parents' on Christmas afternoon. I also went from trying to do the big Christmas shopping thing to sort of token gifts for everyone plus some cash for my children (that's what they want and need). This year, I doubt seriously that there will be any decorating at all and I will probably spend the time by myself. Now, I know this doesn't really help you decide what you want to do! You obviously want to celebrate and I want to be left alone since it's not something I enjoy. Other than checking around to see if there is a community meal somewhere that you could attend. Arrgghh! The thoughts of all the holiday mess just depresses me. Anyway, now you know how I spend my holidays...
Carol in NC0 -
Kim My childhood memories of Christmas are sketchy, except for remembering my brother destroying my belief in Santa one year by showing me the toys hidden in the 'glory hole' in my parents' bedroom. He got his reward that year. The beautiful toy garage and Dinky cars he had showed me were labelled with my name when we woke on Christmas morning. I was overjoyed as I always preferred the toys he got to the girlie toys I got. We had a family meal on Christmas Day after church and went calling on family on Boxing Day.
My relationship with my mother was difficult at times, to the extent that she refused to attend my wedding and prevented my father from giving me away. I never did find out why. My in-laws helped organise the wedding. My grandmother made sure that the rest of our family were there. My mother never relented. I was reconciled with Daddy after she died.
Our current Christmas traditions were started with that marriage almost 50 years ago. My DH was the eldest of 3 boys. My in-laws were an incredible couple who welcomed me into their home as the daughter they had never had. We lived with them for several years and returned to stay with them every Christmas after we had our own home. Everyone pitched in to help prepare Christmas dinner for a family which grew over the years as their other 2 sons found wives and raised families of their own.
Christmas Day dinner was usually mid-afternoon. Traditional fare and loads of it. Mum's sisters/brother and their families were invited for evening celebrations. We would organise all sorts of impromptu entertainments or play parlour games. We even organised a pantomime one year. Sleeping Beauty, complete with Mum and my husband as ugly sisters.
When Mum and Dad got to the stage where they couldn't manage it any more my DSIL and I willingly stepped in to make sure that the traditions were continued. Their love of family has been passed down through two more generations. Not everyone comes every year. In-laws have their turns, though even they have been included from time to time in the 'main' event. When Dad passed away in 1993, Mum would come and stay with us over the holiday. Mum passed away just 2 years ago at the age of 95.
Currently I host Christmas for whoever is at home in Ireland. My elder daughter and her family come to stay on Christmas Eve. The DGCs have always hung their stockings on my hearth. My younger daughter and her partner come alternate years, but since they live close by, they come for morning coffee and presents before heading off. DH's middle brother and DSIL come for dinner when they are not in the States with our Niece and her family. Everyone mucks in and we raise a glass or three to Mum and Dad, who are no longer with us. DH's youngest brother has lived in New Zealand for many years. His elder daughter has returned home and settled here. She lived with us when she first returned and also comes to the family celebration.
Even as a child, I loved Christmas. I decorated the house with the grandkids on Christmas Eve when they were younger, though nowadays, I do it myself a few days earlier. DH holds the ladder and puts fairy lights on some of the trees in the garden. I love all the tinsel and glitter, but it is always removed on Twelfth Night.
I would like to think I would do the same, even if I was alone, but hope I never have to put that to the test.
Irish Terri0 -
Irish Terri - Now that sounds like my kind of Christmas. I LOVE the holidays.
Janetr OKC0 -
I'm here and haven't drowned yet despite 6" of rain. Now it needs to dry out. I've been having trouble getting on the site, but thinking of you all daily. meg from soggy omaha0
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