Do people treat you differently?

synacious wrote: »

I mentioned earlier in the thread that I didn't like the attention from men either, but I didn't state a reason why. I am asexual like you; I realized it at 28 and I'm 30 now. The past few years that I've spent alone have been the happiest of my life. It's what took away my depression and caused me to start taking care of my body. The only difference is that I do have romantic experience and it took me forcing myself into those experiences for me to realize I was asexual. So instead of it simply being unwanted attention from men, it brings me to a level of uncomfortable that I just don't know how to handle. Sometimes I get severe anxiety from it and I just want to escape. I do not like being viewed as a sexual object either. I do not mind if someone is fond of me because I can simply say I do not reciprocate the feeling, but to have a complete stranger or a coworker respond to my new body with such aggression is unsettling to say the least. It's almost as if they feel entitled to do so because they think I've decided to have a body that is sexually pleasing to them. If you have any advice on how to deal with it and the anxiety that comes with it, please let me know. I'm trying to cope with it, but it gets hard at times.

I totally understand where you are coming from, especially how "they feel entitled to do so because they think I've decided to have a body that is sexually pleasing to them." I suppose women sometimes feel this way toward other women as well, but I find that men tend to be very aggressive about it. I don't experience the severe anxiety you do, but it does irk me out and make me feel uncomfortable. Fortunately, it hasn't been too horrible--just some inappropriate comments and that weird "I'm going to obviously walk beside you for a while." Why do they do that, anyway? Is it some sort of pick-up line? It's happened to me three different times and I don't get it.

[For the record, to not be sexist, I'm not really in to being touched by women either. I met a coworker's new wife for the first time, and she happily threw her arms around me and gave me a kiss (she'd done that to everyone at the office). It was...strange. Another time a female stranger gave me a serious bear hug after helping her with something. Ugggggh.]

I don't really have a way to deal with it, other than just being rude and beating a hasty retreat. So far it hasn't really stopped me from doing the things I want to do, as I'm selfish like that, but it is something I notice more and more, and it's very strange.

I'm far from my goal, but still considerably smaller than I was a while ago, but still have noticed that I get treated a bit differently. A lot of people I went to school with, if I run into them somewhere they say stuff like "wow you look fantastic", guys I graduated with who never gave me the time of day before are tryna hit me up on facebook, etc. It's kind of funny.

But other than that, I feel like other situations where I'm treated differently is because I'M different. I'm much more confident than I used to be and I think that plays a role in the interactions I have with people. I was always outgoing, but very self-conscious at the same time and I think that definitely showed.

I've not noticed any difference in the way I'm treated. I've always been treated really well by people. I think it helps that I talk way too much.

ghouli wrote: »

I'm far from my goal, but still considerably smaller than I was a while ago, but still have noticed that I get treated a bit differently. A lot of people I went to school with, if I run into them somewhere they say stuff like "wow you look fantastic", guys I graduated with who never gave me the time of day before are tryna hit me up on facebook, etc. It's kind of funny.

But other than that, I feel like other situations where I'm treated differently is because I'M different. I'm much more confident than I used to be and I think that plays a role in the interactions I have with people. I was always outgoing, but very self-conscious at the same time and I think that definitely showed.

I totally agree with this. I think the way you act has a much bigger effect than just how you look!

Kimegatron wrote: »

I've not noticed any difference in the way I'm treated. I've always been treated really well by people. I think it helps that I talk way too much.

I'd say the same, really, about always having been treated well. I always spoke to people and smiled a lot and felt pretty good about myself and others...no matter my weight...and I think that had a lot to do with the way I was treated and still am. But for me the big thing has really been the way "new" females react to me. Before, it was like "You're funny and nice, I'm glad we're coworkers/have a friend in common." the end...and now it's "I love hanging out with you, let's get lunch and do you want to come to my party? Can I tag you in this social media post? Want to try the new yoga place with me on Saturday?" Big difference. In other areas of life, like when I walk into a store, I feel that I am treated EXACTLY the same at size 10 as I was at size 24+ and in some ways I have been a bit surprised by that.

Its hard to be objective about oneself. However, my mom is very fat, owing to physical disability and illness. I can say with 100% certainty that people DEFINITELY treated her like crap because of her weight, my whole life. Even when she was mobile and tried her best, but was still really fat, people were total jerks to her. She was (and is) a kind, outgoing woman, gregarious and full of smiles and sass. However, the number of snubs to her I've witnessed was outrageous. Things like

"We don't talk to people like YOU."

"I don't need any more friends."

"Stop being a hypochondriac and lose some weight and your problems will go away" (from a doctor! a variant from MORE than one doctor!).

"See that fat lady over there? That's just disgusting. She shouldn't eat so much!" (at a fair, woman to her son)

"If you'd get up and walk you wouldn't be such a fat pig!"

No, fat people aren't invisible. They.. we.. are painfully OBVIOUS. It isn't that we are unseen. Its that we're pointedly ignored. And that's preferable to the outright insults.

Obviously a person's confidence can change with weight loss.. but it doesn't explain the enormous differences in income between overweight women and women. It doesn't explain AT ALL why a very tiny percentage of women (and somewhat similar, though larger number of men) on dating sites get almost all the attention. Fat bias is very, very real.

tomteboda wrote: »

Its hard to be objective about oneself. However, my mom is very fat, owing to physical disability and illness. I can say with 100% certainty that people DEFINITELY treated her like crap because of her weight, my whole life. Even when she was mobile and tried her best, but was still really fat, people were total jerks to her. She was (and is) a kind, outgoing woman, gregarious and full of smiles and sass. However, the number of snubs to her I've witnessed was outrageous. Things like

"We don't talk to people like YOU."

"I don't need any more friends."

"Stop being a hypochondriac and lose some weight and your problems will go away" (from a doctor! a variant from MORE than one doctor!).

"See that fat lady over there? That's just disgusting. She shouldn't eat so much!" (at a fair, woman to her son)

"If you'd get up and walk you wouldn't be such a fat pig!"

No, fat people aren't invisible. They.. we.. are painfully OBVIOUS. It isn't that we are unseen. Its that we're pointedly ignored. And that's preferable to the outright insults.

Obviously a person's confidence can change with weight loss.. but it doesn't explain the enormous differences in income between overweight women and women. It doesn't explain AT ALL why a very tiny percentage of women (and somewhat similar, though larger number of men) on dating sites get almost all the attention. Fat bias is very, very real.

That must've been very difficult for you to have to witness regularly.

Do you think something, somehow, could've changed for your mother that would have sparked an interest to eat fewer calories than she was?

I'm sorry you had to endure such comments about her body. Shaming obviously didn't work for her. It works for some, depending on circumstances and cultural differences.

I have noticed the difference. I'm 40kg (88lbs) down over about 18 months. I do a fair bit of walking for exercise (about 50 miles a week tracked on fitbit) - and all my neighbours (many of whom I know) see me and comment about it when they see me - also noticing that i've lost weight.

I think it is a combination of factors.

1) I physically look a whole lot better even though I've still got about 15kg to my goal weight (having a huge stall)
2) I feel better in my head - i'm perhaps a bit more confident - so I think this comes out in my demeanour and people naturally respond to this.
3) Because I feel better, and physically look better, i'm also dressing better. My wife thinks i've become a bit of a fashion *kitten* . Why not - I can find fashionable clothes that fit me now! How you present yourself goes a long way to how people treat you - particularly on the first meet (first impressions).

What i've noticed? Well you certainly know who your friends are and who has your best interests at heart. They are the ones who immediately congratulate you and tell you how great you look and to keep up the good work. Of course, there are the others who are more muted and who sometimes, say nothing!

I have noticed that I do get more eye contact, more smiles (perhaps more from the opposite sex). People are friendlier - even people I have known for a long time.

I know there is this whole idea of 'fat acceptance' and treating everyone equally etc. And while that is a nice ideal, in reality we're human and not infallible. Fat people are going to be treated differently - this is just human nature. Not condoning it, but that's how it is.

Just my 2 pence!

I wasn't completely invisible. I was a pretty big guy standing at 6'3 and nearly 500lbs. People notice and would get out of the way when they saw me coming. When it comes to the dating and romance department, I was invisible to women. I rarely flirt, I'm shy and a mild introvert. My limited interaction from women for the most part was of the friendly nature. I am not bitter or angry at the women who ignored me at first but now don't. I wouldn't have dated myself at my heaviest, why would they? As I lost weight friends tell me that women, whether it's subtle or not, hit on me all the time but I am clueless. I think it's partially because I still see myself at my heaviest so I interpret all attention from women as just being friendly and not of the flirty nature. It doesn't really matters anyways since I am no longer single.

I haven't noticed much of a change from strangers, other than people tend to come up to me in stores and ask if I need help more often. I just assumed its because I had a giant purse and they thought I was shop lifting

The change I HAVE noticed is from a few people in my personal life, and it isn't good. I'm suddenly being ignored by one friend in particular, and i'm afraid I have somehow offended her with my weight loss. I offered to give her a bunch of my old clothes I can't wear anymore, and she was happy and agreed and we had a silly day of her trying on clothes at my house. A few months later, I offered again since she liked it the first time. She was trying to lose weight too, so I kept her updated now and then on how I was doing. Suddenly, she fell off the grid and totally ignored me for several months. When I finally asked, she just blamed it on work. I have a feeling since she got sidetracked and stopped trying to lose weight, my loss and updates and offering her clothes (which was me just trying to be nice since she said she didn't have money for new clothes) ended up making her feel bad.

The only other one is *sigh* my mom. At thanksgiving, my step-dad was asking me about my weight loss, I mentioned that my next goal was to buy myself some size 10's for christmas. My mom goes "what? NO!!"
as a "joke" I guess... I think thats the size she wears. Apparently ME being that size isn't allowed? I just shrugged it off as her attempt to make a joke at her own expense. But a week later when I actually DID get into some 10's I txted her a photo and said "sorry mom! " and She just gave me a speech about not "going overboard" and how a friend of hers lost so much weight that for a while she looked sick. I said "C'mon mom... don't be that guy. I'm literally ONE POUND inside my healthy weight range"
And she said "no you look great, just you know, don't get carried away." What the actual crap. 10s were something I NEVER in a million years thought i'd ever see, I finally see it, i'm nowhere near any kind of "unhealthy" weight (i'm 172 at 5'10", hell I was 173 actually when this conversation happened) and the first thing you do is rain on my parade? BAH.

Without getting into a long story, my mom has the emotional range of a teaspoon, as Hermione would say. She sidesteps anything that requires real emotion or honesty with teasing or jokes. It pisses me off less as an adult than it did when I was a teenager (oh boy THAT was a fun time!) and she's been working on the personal issues that cause that behavior, but I think it's just a sore spot for me when I think that's what she's doing.

I don't really tell people what my "goal" weight is just because we are going to try to start having kids very soon and with any luck I won't even see it if I get pregnant quickly
But yeah, if I told her I wanted to be smack in the middle of my healthy range (about 150) she'd probably freak out because at 5'4"ish she is about 150.

kellellie wrote: »

Without getting into a long story, my mom has the emotional range of a teaspoon, as Hermione would say. She sidesteps anything that requires real emotion or honesty with teasing or jokes. It pisses me off less as an adult than it did when I was a teenager (oh boy THAT was a fun time!) and she's been working on the personal issues that cause that behavior, but I think it's just a sore spot for me when I think that's what she's doing.

I don't really tell people what my "goal" weight is just because we are going to try to start having kids very soon and with any luck I won't even see it if I get pregnant quickly
But yeah, if I told her I wanted to be smack in the middle of my healthy range (about 150) she'd probably freak out because at 5'4"ish she is about 150.

My dad is the same way, so I understand!

tomteboda wrote: »

Its hard to be objective about oneself. However, my mom is very fat, owing to physical disability and illness. I can say with 100% certainty that people DEFINITELY treated her like crap because of her weight, my whole life. Even when she was mobile and tried her best, but was still really fat, people were total jerks to her. She was (and is) a kind, outgoing woman, gregarious and full of smiles and sass. However, the number of snubs to her I've witnessed was outrageous. Things like

"We don't talk to people like YOU."

"I don't need any more friends."

"Stop being a hypochondriac and lose some weight and your problems will go away" (from a doctor! a variant from MORE than one doctor!).

"See that fat lady over there? That's just disgusting. She shouldn't eat so much!" (at a fair, woman to her son)

"If you'd get up and walk you wouldn't be such a fat pig!"

No, fat people aren't invisible. They.. we.. are painfully OBVIOUS. It isn't that we are unseen. Its that we're pointedly ignored. And that's preferable to the outright insults.

Obviously a person's confidence can change with weight loss.. but it doesn't explain the enormous differences in income between overweight women and women. It doesn't explain AT ALL why a very tiny percentage of women (and somewhat similar, though larger number of men) on dating sites get almost all the attention. Fat bias is very, very real.

To start I am so sorry u and your mother had to deal with this almost makes me want to tear up. But we as a human race are like this people do get treated differently by the way they look. Is it right absolutely not. But the thing is we need to be mentally strong for those that it really bothers remember how strong u were to decide to lose the weight, someone hitting on u should be a walk in the park. U know a great way to deal with it is to have some fun with it by calling the person out in public or making some fun stories up idk IMHO I think it is only a issue if u let it be. But to everyone in this thread congrats on the weight loss and keep it up don't let the rest of human society bring u down and make u feel uncomfortable because life is short and we need live each day like it is our last!!

rhianna818 wrote: »

I'm curious to know, if those of us who feel that there def is a difference in the way we are treated, and those who feel like there is no difference, what weight level we all started at.
Self confidence, or lack there of, doesn't seem to be what it is. We've had several people already squash that one.
Just like a few others have mentioned we most definitely are not invisible. I'm sure we sometimes wish we were. We get plenty of points and stares. Whispers and laughs. Going out we are treated like a personal freak show for strangers. It's enough to really cause some to want to never leave their house.
It's pretty *kitten* up honestly.

I started at 202.5 and currently hover around 150. BMI-wise, I was obese. Real life -wise, I pretty much blended in with a large portion of women my age. Where I live, at least, the level of overweightness that I was at is pretty common, or at least common enough that you don't stick out. (I hope that makes sense.) At my current weight, I have been referred to as "skinny." (I'm pretty average in height for a woman--5'5.5".)

kellellie wrote: »

...The only other one is *sigh* my mom. At thanksgiving, my step-dad was asking me about my weight loss, I mentioned that my next goal was to buy myself some size 10's for christmas. My mom goes "what? NO!!"
as a "joke" I guess... I think thats the size she wears. Apparently ME being that size isn't allowed? I just shrugged it off as her attempt to make a joke at her own expense. But a week later when I actually DID get into some 10's I txted her a photo and said "sorry mom! " and She just gave me a speech about not "going overboard" and how a friend of hers lost so much weight that for a while she looked sick. I said "C'mon mom... don't be that guy. I'm literally ONE POUND inside my healthy weight range"
And she said "no you look great, just you know, don't get carried away." What the actual crap. 10s were something I NEVER in a million years thought i'd ever see, I finally see it, i'm nowhere near any kind of "unhealthy" weight (i'm 172 at 5'10", hell I was 173 actually when this conversation happened) and the first thing you do is rain on my parade? BAH.

I have been bigger than my sister our entire lives - I have a bigger frame, bigger hands, bigger feet. Her weight has gone up and down since she became a mother. I can picture something like this happening if I become her size or smaller.