My son called me fat.
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kasperwasper2016 wrote: »
He's only 5, but that's old enough to become aware that negative words effect people.
^^^This^^^
Maybe I didn't explain my original post well. I'm not seeking advice on how to handle my son saying that. He was wrong, he knows he was wrong, and we had a long talk about it. I'm more upset with the fact that I can't seem to "get it together" even after he said it to me.
Yeah, I noticed not many people were answering your question. I think they were answering your title, so lesson learned there. The part of your story that jumped out at me was the trip to the store- does that mean you don't normally keep those things in the house, but made a special trip for them? If so, that is great- make yourself work for it. Not everyone has the big moment that suddenly motivates them to change their life. I certainly didn't. But I did reach a point that I just didn't want the life I had, even though I wasn't brimming with enthusiasm about making changes. But I just started logging and making small changes, and soon I had some confidence and the sense that things were possible. Doesn't mean I don't have days like you described, but I have many more days that I do well. You can too
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djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »
Perhaps because you're a perfectionist you set parameters for yourself that are too strict--like eating only 1200 calories a day--ensuring that you will fail. I eat 1200 calories by noon; I would gnaw my own arm off if that was all I was allowed for a whole day. I would absolutely fail to meet that goal every single day and not because I have no willpower, or I'm a loser, but because it's too drastic for me.
I agree that speaking to a therapist can help, as will using MFP to set a reasonable weight loss goal--start at one pound a week and see how it goes.
Good point. @beth0277 - your ticker says you have 66 pounds to lose. Try setting your weight loss goals for 1 pound per week and see how you do on this.
Ha! I didn't even know I had a ticker? I want to lose about 50 pounds. I eat 1500 calories a day. I've tried 1200, which is what MFP has recommended but I know that is a recipe for disaster. At least I've learned that along the way! I'm normally much happier at 1500, when I can get under control.0 -
I'll shamefully admit I was embarrassed by my overweight mother. I never called her or anyone else fat, and when called fat myself, I just took it as some telling me what color my hair was.
That being said, not having my children embarrassed of me was a major motivator. You can eat popcorn and candy, log it, learn from it, and go on.
And ignore all the parenting advice from a fitness site.0 -
Your upset that he knows the truth (Based on what you posted) and didn't lie. Use it as motivation, put it on the mirror, in the car on top of your credit card or wallet. Use the anger as the fuel. Be a role model, teach him the smart ways to eat and educate him about a road that he never wants to go down.0
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I am not about to tell someone how to raise their child. I think from a losing weight perspective I have two questions. Are you eating to comfort yourself? If so, how are you going to break that cycle as I know I used food as an emotional pillow for very long and had to breath that habit myself. And secondly, does having a set back actually mean you failed? Failure in terms of losing weight is quitting, at least in my book. Do we step off the path sometimes? Absolutely, for no one I know is perfect. Our success is measured by how we step back onto the path. You have to figure out what helps keep you on the path. There are lots of great success stories out there and lots of people here on MFP who will support you, but at the end of the day I know I am the one who puts the food in my mouth.
Anyway hope some of that helps. Yesterday sounds like a crap day and you can make the rest of today and tomorrow a better one.0 -
coreyreichle wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.
No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
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larali1980 wrote: »Of_Monsters_and_Meat wrote: »Well we have some people saying calling fat people fat is a nasty name calling meany name. We also have some people that saying calling someone fat is just that, because it describes them. I'm just going to teach my kids to describe people how they see them and stay out of the hug box.
Well "fat" is a descriptive word, but you don't go around calling people "fatties." That is socially unacceptable and hurtful to the person being called such. If you teach your children that being ugly to people is OK, then you aren't doing them any favors. They will have a very hard time in life. Bullying isn't cool.
Also, wth is a "hug box?"
It's when everyone gets on a internet forum agrees with each other mindlessly instead of considering ideas on their own merits.
People can't help how they look. I would call my child out on calling someone ugly, that isn't cool. We are hardly talking about bullying though. I want OP to succeed. If they hate my guts and want to pound my face in when they are 80 years old, I'll gladly accept that. I wish someone called me out on being a fatty fatterson when I was in my late 20's instead of having to realize it later on.0 -
My son and daughter (5 and 3) regularly talk about how I'm fat. It's true. I am. I don't hide that. I'm trying to lose weight, because I want to, but that doesn't mean I'm not proud of my body where it is right now! My son drew a picture of me and Hubby ice skating (we don't do that, LOL) and he said "this one is you, because you're fat" and I just said, "good job!" and moved on.
He has never been taught that fat=bad and wouldn't think to use it as an insult (at least not yet. I'm sure he'll grow up and learn those ideas, but it won't ever be supported in my house!) and even if he tried I'd deflect it in a heart-beat. "Yeah, I am fat. I eat more food than my body needs sometimes and that's what makes people get fatter. That isn't insulting, it's just a part of life."0 -
Do the world a favor and enable your son to understand that nasty name calling to other kids in school will probably elicit a similarly tearful response. If not publicly, then at least privately.
So if you start getting calls from the teachers or the parents that he's calling his classmates the same name he called you, or variations thereof, then you'll know if the bully label fits.
My mother was fat, and never once, at any age, did I name-call her for being fat. Even when I was angry.
Name-calling a parent, even at the age of five, suggests that parental authority and limits on behavior have not been sufficiently established.
Yes, my son, who has been given behavioral awards every month since he started school, is a big, mean bully and I fail as a parent because he called me a name. He is 5. FIVE. That doesn't make it okay, but it does make it normal for a 5 year old to not be able to understand the harshness of their words.
Yes. Exactly.
Now, in terms of how you move forward.. Log everything, even when you binge. It will help. Make changes slowly, don't try to do a major deficit tomorrow. It sounds like with everything you have going on, it will be easier to maintain your changes if you don't overwhelm yourself with them all at once.0 -
I only have a second but wanted to comment on you saying you have no time for yourself due to life being hectic. All you have to do to lose weight is stay within your calories. That's it. Eating is already a part of your daily life, so there's nothing extra being added onto the day if you think about it. You can keep everything just the same as it is now, but portion properly, and you'll be on your way. Don't psych yourself out thinking it's all this extra work because it's really not. It's pretty simple actually. 0
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I am so sorry! That is a hard thing to go through. There are some really good suggestions here. I also lack will power so I have to approach thingslike weight loss a little different. I like to take a little time and plan my day. I enter my breakfast, lunch and dinner in the morning so I know what room I have. Then I put in a couple snacks and try to have around 150 calories left over just in case. It really does help me.
But I'm an ocd list person lol0 -
You know, you sound like your self-esteem is in not such a great place, so really, any comment would have set you off. That it came from him doesn't really matter. He's five. He probably still craps his pants too and believes in Santa Claus so I would not take anything he says too seriously.
So pick yourself up. You're an adult. You know what you have to do. And just like your graduate degree, this takes time. Ain't gonna happen overnight. Just keep working at it and push through it. You got this. 0 -
kasperwasper2016 wrote: »
He's only 5, but that's old enough to become aware that negative words effect people.
^^^This^^^
Maybe I didn't explain my original post well. I'm not seeking advice on how to handle my son saying that. He was wrong, he knows he was wrong, and we had a long talk about it. I'm more upset with the fact that I can't seem to "get it together" even after he said it to me.
Yeah, I noticed not many people were answering your question. I think they were answering your title, so lesson learned there. The part of your story that jumped out at me was the trip to the store- does that mean you don't normally keep those things in the house, but made a special trip for them? If so, that is great- make yourself work for it. Not everyone has the big moment that suddenly motivates them to change their life. I certainly didn't. But I did reach a point that I just didn't want the life I had, even though I wasn't brimming with enthusiasm about making changes. But I just started logging and making small changes, and soon I had some confidence and the sense that things were possible. Doesn't mean I don't have days like you described, but I have many more days that I do well. You can too
To be fair there wasn't actually a question in the original post just sentences telling what happened. About half were about the son and half were about the will power. I think most people were genuinely trying to help because OP was saying how much it hurt her. The speed at which the thread was moving meant each time you type a response several more were added while you typed so people probably didn't see all the responses before them. That being said there were a few people being obnoxious.0 -
As a small kid, I asked a classmate's mom whether she was pregnant. I didn't mean any harm by it. She was fat, not pregnant, and I was old enough to realise I had said something silly. Lesson learned.
A five-year old might not understand that some people are sensitive about the word and can perceive it as hurtful, so better say it to his mother than a stranger, so you got a chance to explain how the world works.
As for the word fat itself, well, if it is true, it is true and a fat person has the choice to do something about it or not. I think we focus way too much on trying to teach others to behave, when in this case we can take the truth and use it for good, for our own gain, regardless of what our surroundings might think about it. The only twisted thing would be to refuse to get healthy as "revenge", but otherwise I think being called fat should be the wake-up call we need, should we feel we need to decrease weight. And if we are happy the way we are, just let it slide off.0 -
I remember asking my mom why she had no boobs as a young child (she is almost flat chested) and she cried all night. I felt horrible I was 6-ish. Kids are blunt. It's okay to cry and feel bad, but at the end of the day you have to accept you. My son knows I'm fat, but he's going to watch me change that. So cry, and have your cheat day and tomorrow get back on the wagon. He will likely not say it again because he saw he hurt you. Best wishes, your son sounds like he had a "i shouldn't of said that moment". 0
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Are you eating for comfort? If yes, I'd recommend counseling or maybe even some positivity classes. It's just food and we need it to sustain our bodies. But we don't need junk food. You CAN do it, you just need to believe in yourself. If you starting thinking you are going to fail, you've already failed.0
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larali1980 wrote: »No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
Except that there are just as many people that will whine about their friends making a fat joke at their expense as that will whine about a person saying it trying to be hurtful, and everyone on here will parade around them consoling and talking about how insensitive that persons friends are. It's all the same. Getting called fat is getting called fat. And if it's an accurate statement, then don't get mad about it. Make it NOT an accurate statement. It's a choice. Feeling sorry for yourself never fixes anything, and it sure as crap doesn't burn calories.I started today with the same resolve that I do most days, to not overeat and to stay within my calories. But alas, I made it until noon and then went to the store and got some popcorn and reese cups.
I wish I could stop this cycle. I've done well before but for some reason I can't get "it" this time. I feel like such a failure.
Your keys did not drag you to your car, place themselves in the ignition, and crank it. You car did not drive itself to the store. Everything that happened was a conscious choice that you made. You have the power to do whatever you choose. You chose to go get popcorn and reese's. You will only get "it" when you choose to do so. Wishing accomplishes nothing. You will only change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change. If you really want it, you will do it. Period.
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My son is 8 and has aspergers, one day he went into great detail about how fat I was even pointing out each fat part of my body. It was brutal but tbf also true. It didn't click with me then only 7 months later. Dust yourself off and try again it takes 21 days to break a habit just take each day at a time x0
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If I ever called my mother something like that, my father would have made it so I never would even *think* to utter such disrespectful words ever again... but that's another issue.
I'm thinking you have some self-confidence issues. Hey, we ALL fail at something...every day! What distinguishes successful and non-successful people are the ones who get back up every single day and try again. So you messed up today, tomorrow is a chance to start over again. You have to take control and silence the voice that wants to concentrate on the failures. You have to decide not to allow self-loathing to become a lifestyle and break the cycle. It is up to YOU and no one else.
I suggest maybe talking to a therapist to get at the root of your problem, and when you start to see yourself in a more positive light, you'll see longer term success.
Good luck.
It's weird because in every other area of my life I am a perfectionist. I am a 4.0 grad student working full time and pride myself on having a spotless house. It's like, I run out of energy to take care of myself because I have so many other things going on.
Like you, I'm an all or nothing kind of person and it's really hard when it comes to weight loss to have that kind of mindset. Being a perfectionist in all areas of life does translate into your health, as well. You think you're not being a perfectionist, but you might still be ... Here's what I've learned over time: the way we eat can be a control issue. Whether you're overweight, underweight, or at an ideal weight, you are in control. For me, I found that out of control eating usually signified a way for me to rebel against all the other things where I felt I needed to be perfect all the time. Sometimes we can self sabotage because we need find ways to not be perfect in every aspect of life. Perfectionism can be very self destructive. That being said, I'm not telling you that you're giving into temptation because you're trying to control your weight by NOT controlling your weight. Just saying that this is the case for me, and it's a constant struggle. What I've also found, however, is that when I ease up a little in other areas, and start giving myself just a little bit of slack and forgiveness for not being perfect, I find it easier to stay on track with my eating, too. This week has been my first week back at MFP after trying and failing for several months to get it together. I kept saying my head wasn't in the game, and it wasn't. But what I found was that when I decided to just do my best, instead of trying to be all-or-nothing perfect, I started feeling more in control again. I've still had slip-ups during this first week, but I'm already eating so much better than I was even one week ago. As many people here have told me (I already knew, but it's sometimes important to hear it from someone else): baby steps. Making small changes to start with will help you start on the path. If you set a small goal each day to make a change - just one change (more water, for example, or a walk, or eliminating one thing you were eating before) - it can actually have a huge impact on your thinking. Also, you have not been derailed by that lunch time slip. Get right back on the wagon! Take it one hour, one afternoon, one day at a time. I know you can do it. As you said, you've done it before. You just need to give yourself time to get your mind in the game.
PS. I'm sorry that your son said a hurtful thing. I know that it hurt mostly because it's what you're feeling inside. No one likes to have their negative feelings about themselves flung back at them by someone else. That being said, you've handled it with your son and it's time to handle it with yourself. Maybe it would help to keep a journal of what you're feeling before and after eating. Sometimes a journal can help you identify the emotions that trigger your eating, and then you can look for other ways to address those emotions other than through food. Just an idea. Hang in there!0 -
djeffreys10 wrote: »Getting called fat is getting called fat. And if it's an accurate statement, then don't get mad about it. Make it NOT an accurate statement. It's a choice. Feeling sorry for yourself never fixes anything, and it sure as crap doesn't burn calories.
Hm yes, I suppose you are right.0 -
larali1980 wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.
No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
Honestly describing a person's physical attributes is "hurtful"?0 -
Of_Monsters_and_Meat wrote: »My son is five too. He calls fat people fat. Guess what, hard truth, your failing. Get with the program, really for your son's sake.
Then again my son also told me he hated me, because I made him go to bed last night.
I'd like to tone this down for you, but really being alive and healthy for my family is my #1 motivator.
Yup.
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djeffreys10 wrote: »
Your keys did not drag you to your car, place themselves in the ignition, and crank it. You car did not drive itself to the store. Everything that happened was a conscious choice that you made. You have the power to do whatever you choose. You chose to go get popcorn and reese's. You will only get "it" when you choose to do so. Wishing accomplishes nothing. You will only change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change. If you really want it, you will do it. Period.
This times 100%. The all-or-nothing approach almost never works. The "perfection" plan almost never works. BUT believing in your own power works. Believing that you are THE ONLY ONE in control of what and how much you eat works. Changing your perspective works. You have to stop putting yourself in the position of the victim. You aren't a victim of obesity. You are a person who made choices (like many many many people, almost everyone here on this site!) that led to weight gain and is just as capable of making choices to lose it.0 -
I'm not a perfectionist, but I am very competent about my home, business, children etc. One of my "aha" moments was when I thought to myself, "I can keep everything else together, why can't I keep my eating under control?" I started applying the same principles to eating as I did to my other jobs.
One thing I had to do was block out time for me, just like I would block out time for my accounting chores or to take kids to practices or cleaning, etc. I had to get a little bit selfish and hold on to that time. I explored my habits and figured out what was triggering my overeating. Then one by one, I changed those negative behaviors into positive ones. It took actual blocks of daily time to really get it together and some things had to wait because my health took priority over them.
Also, as a perfectionist, you probably tend to see things from a black and white perspective. If you didn't do something perfectly, then you failed. But when it comes to slowly creating new personal habits, you have to allow yourself space to have set backs. You are not perfect. You will have bad days. Give yourself grace when you fail. Celebrate the victories, learn from the mistakes and start new.
And I think your little boy will be fine. He's learned a lesson about being kind and he won't forget it.
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"I'm more upset with the fact that I can't seem to "get it together" even after he said it to me."
I can completely relate to that feeling beth0277, I have had those moments and still continue to have them. The one thing I do to help myself is to allow myself that moment of crying and when it's over I ask myself why it hurt so bad, or why did I feel so overwhelmed in that moment. From what I read of your reply posts it sounds like you have a lot going on in your life: being a perfectionist, rocking a 4.0 in grad school, working full time, raising a 5 year old son, having a spot less house... all of those things take effort, but to me it sounds like you have a lot of things together if you are doing all of that Maybe it's time you take time for yourself, forgive yourself for your choices of popcorn and reese cups - that's okay to slip up every once in a while, we all do it. Just get back on track for your next meal and move on. I'm have a tendency to be a perfectionist as well and it has taken me a really long time to forgive myself for any mistake I make, including my food choices. Keep up the great work and you'll get this - don't give up on yourself, you are worth it! 0 -
coreyreichle wrote: »larali1980 wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.
No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
Honestly describing a person's physical attributes is "hurtful"?
Is this how you speak to your loved ones? It may be the norm in some families to use terms like "fatty" when angry, but (even when they are based in someone's genuine assessment of another) it isn't the norm in many families.0 -
coreyreichle wrote: »
Honestly describing a person's physical attributes is "hurtful"?
If it's done in a mean-spirited way, intending to hurt the person. Yes. And I wouldn't allow my child to ever think that is OK. I hope you wouldn't either.
But that's not the OP's fault, because as I've said-- kids just say things like this sometimes and you have to correct it, so they'll know better.
Anyway this is really not what OP made the thread for. It's not about her kid's manners at all, it's about how she can feel better about herself and make her family proud. I'm in the exact same boat (my kids think I am fat and boring etc.)
It is true that OP can use this comment to inspire change in herself and be a role model to her son.
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I'm not a perfectionist, but I am very competent about my home, business, children etc. One of my "aha" moments was when I thought to myself, "I can keep everything else together, why can't I keep my eating under control?" I started applying the same principles to eating as I did to my other jobs.
One thing I had to do was block out time for me, just like I would block out time for my accounting chores or to take kids to practices or cleaning, etc. I had to get a little bit selfish and hold on to that time. I explored my habits and figured out what was triggering my overeating. Then one by one, I changed those negative behaviors into positive ones. It took actual blocks of daily time to really get it together and some things had to wait because my health took priority over them.
Also, as a perfectionist, you probably tend to see things from a black and white perspective. If you didn't do something perfectly, then you failed. But when it comes to slowly creating new personal habits, you have to allow yourself space to have set backs. You are not perfect. You will have bad days. Give yourself grace when you fail. Celebrate the victories, learn from the mistakes and start new.
And I think your little boy will be fine. He's learned a lesson about being kind and he won't forget it.
I love everything you've said here. Very well put and good lessons to learn.0 -
janejellyroll wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »larali1980 wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.
No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
Honestly describing a person's physical attributes is "hurtful"?
Is this how you speak to your loved ones? It may be the norm in some families to use terms like "fatty" when angry, but (even when they are based in someone's genuine assessment of another) it isn't the norm in many families.
Agreed. Its normal for a 5 year old to call names but I think it's appropriate to call an adult a bully when they call names. Also, calling someone ugly is hurtful too in case anyone didn't know. Its not OK even if you classify it as "honest communication"0
This discussion has been closed.
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