My son called me fat.
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First about the kid, honestly, as a mother myself, I am torn about what is the right answer. He needs to understand he should not hurt people, and it sounds like in this case, he did have the intention to hurt.
On the other hand, as one of my kids once pointed out to me "If it is ok to say someone is tall or someone is blonde, why can't I say he is fat? Why is it different? Do you mean he does not know he is fat?" He was not trying to be smart, he was really confused. And honestly, unless the intention is to hurt, I think my son was correct in his thought process. So, in my family's case, I have tried teaching the kids that it is ok to use words to describe people, it is not ok to use words to hurt people. So, explaining to another kid that your cousin is that short or that big kid over there, is fine. Describing your cousin as a dwarf or a whale, it is a completely different thing.
Back to the main topic, do you mind being overweight? Would you be happy as you are, if no one ever said anything? Would you be happy if only you could see it?
Yes, your kid knows when someone is visibly overweight. Yes, the other kids know it. Yes, they do talk about parents and adults in this way, again as a description:
Who is Mary's mother? The short lady over there.
Who is Tom's father? The fat man with the beard who looks like Santa.
These are things the kids notice, and adults notice, although usually they do not tell it to your face. If you know you are fat/skinny/tall/bald/have glasses etc, the rest of the worlds knows it too.
The question is does it annoy you or not?
What I consider unattractively overweight, might be someone's else definition of attractively curvy. What I consider as unhealthily skinny might be someone's else dream body.
So, regarding "words" and "appearance", the question is, what are you happy with? If your child has hurt you because what he said was describing how you feel, then no one but you can change things. If you hate it enough, you will change it. If not, stop worrying about it, unless it is to a point where there are health concerns.
I also have one question: kids learn their eating habits from parents. You mentioned going to the store to buy some treats, which I assume you do not consider the best eating choices, or they would not have been mentioned in this way. If you feel these eating habits are affecting your appearance, and as you said you do not want your child to be embarassed because of your appearance, are you having these same food choices available to your child? Because if your eating habits are makign you look in a way you do not like, they will have at some point the same effect on your child' body too.
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Where did your son hear that from first to say that? My children didn't know what the word fat meant until they did their sight words at school and it was there and my children would never call me names . The worst my children have ever said about me is my tummy is soft (it should be i carried both of them until 42 weeks and ive lost 60 kilos)
Your son has zero respect for you and that's your own fault.
He totally understand what he said - he's five not five months old.-1 -
If I had a kid and it called me a fatty I would seriously think about loosing some fat. Don't want them to end up fat too. Kids don't know shame. They learn that. I wouldn't be upset if he told something that is a fact. Nothing to do with respect0
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You americans are really afraid of getting hurt by the truth... Not talking about your son, but if someone is fat why can't people say "you're fat"?
Talking about your son, he was just angry.0 -
Where did your son hear that from first to say that? My children didn't know what the word fat meant until they did their sight words at school and it was there and my children would never call me names . The worst my children have ever said about me is my tummy is soft (it should be i carried both of them until 42 weeks and ive lost 60 kilos)
Your son has zero respect for you and that's your own fault.
He totally understand what he said - he's five not five months old.
The kid is five and I have no idea where he heard it from or why he said it. However lets not start laying into the kid or the mother's parenting style.
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All of these perfect parents with perfect children coming out of the woodwork are really great. I knew this was a weight loss board but didn't realize I was also amongst people who had children who never said an unkind word and also those who would handle their children so much better than they have anticipated that I did. I'm thoroughly impressed. Oh, and for the poster who rudely commented "she doesn't mention the dad" or something like that - my husband, who I've been happily married to for 9 years, was at work when this happened (I was at home with my son because he had a snow day) and he was not happy and also talked to my son about it when he got home. So, lest anyone else think I am a poor excuse of a mother who is raising this monster of a child by myself, please know that I am happily married to a man who also did not appreciate the word my son used.
Moving along - I don't think I've ever really talked about weight in front of my son. We talk about taking care of our bodies and eating healthy, but that is mostly towards him and his food choices. He sees me going to the gym and working out but I don't refer to myself as "fat" so I know he hasn't heard that from me. I think that might be one of the reasons it upset me so much because I don't see myself as really overweight. Yes, I need to lose weight, but I guess I didn't realize it was at the point where my son would notice it, if that makes sense. I've not had weight problems my whole life, really only these last few years. I guess that is why I was taken aback because even though I know for health reasons I need to get down to a healthier weight, I didn't realize it was to the point where a child would refer to it as "fat". Not that it matters, but I think that is what upset me. Kind of like a aha moment of "Wow, I guess I really AM fat if he is noticing it".0 -
brandnew222 wrote: »You americans are really afraid of getting hurt by the truth... Not talking about your son, but if someone is fat why can't people say "you're fat"?
Talking about your son, he was just angry.
Because it's rude? I don't get why people seem to be advocating a lessening of manners here. Just because someone is fat doesn't mean it's ok to tell them that - pro-tip - they probably know already.0 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »brandnew222 wrote: »You americans are really afraid of getting hurt by the truth... Not talking about your son, but if someone is fat why can't people say "you're fat"?
Talking about your son, he was just angry.
Because it's rude? I don't get why people seem to be advocating a lessening of manners here. Just because someone is fat doesn't mean it's ok to tell them that - pro-tip - they probably know already.
It isn't a universally truth. Your perception of rudeness is quite cultural.
When my mother was living in China and would try to buy bras the sales ladies would giggle and bring friends to discuss how big she was. By western standards, this would have been rude, there it was just endearing.0 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »brandnew222 wrote: »You americans are really afraid of getting hurt by the truth... Not talking about your son, but if someone is fat why can't people say "you're fat"?
Talking about your son, he was just angry.
Because it's rude? I don't get why people seem to be advocating a lessening of manners here. Just because someone is fat doesn't mean it's ok to tell them that - pro-tip - they probably know already.
I do not know what the other poster's thinking was, but I have to say that to many of us non-Americans, what Americans call politically correct or not-rude, is a very short distance away from what another culture would call hypocritical.
To give an example related to "fat", I often see people refer to themselves as "curvy", "thick" or "big", when in fact the accurate word they should be using is "fat". It is only a word, it is not an insult. When you have e.g. 100 lbs to lose, why calling yourself "thick" or "curvy" is nicer than saying "fat"?0 -
How did this turn into a parenting forum? OP already said she dealt with the situation with her son.
Now on to the actual point of the post. I remember when I first started losing weight I would start a diet, then "rebel" by the end of the day. The notion of changing the way you have eaten your whole life can be uncomfortable, and some people tend to resist the change. What worked for me was tiny baby steps. I started by introducing a 10 minute walk. Nothing else had to change for a whole week. It made me feel good about myself like I accomplished something. The next week was the week where I ate like I normally would, but started to gradually reduce the amount of oil I use in food (that was my main problem). In your case your main calorie packer may be different, so focus on replacing some of those calories by vegetables. Like if you usually eat three reese's cups, make them two...etc. Some people thrive on the thrill of uprooting their whole routine, while others feel intimidated by it. Try and see if gradual changes are a better strategy for you. Add more vegetables, add more water, add lower calorie options, modify your current recipes to be lower calorie..etc without completely overhauling your diet.
It may take longer, but a somewhat better diet for a year produces better results than a "perfect" diet that only lasts 1 day.0 -
All of these perfect parents with perfect children coming out of the woodwork are really great. I knew this was a weight loss board but didn't realize I was also amongst people who had children who never said an unkind word and also those who would handle their children so much better than they have anticipated that I did. I'm thoroughly impressed. Oh, and for the poster who rudely commented "she doesn't mention the dad" or something like that - my husband, who I've been happily married to for 9 years, was at work when this happened (I was at home with my son because he had a snow day) and he was not happy and also talked to my son about it when he got home. So, lest anyone else think I am a poor excuse of a mother who is raising this monster of a child by myself, please know that I am happily married to a man who also did not appreciate the word my son used.
Moving along - I don't think I've ever really talked about weight in front of my son. We talk about taking care of our bodies and eating healthy, but that is mostly towards him and his food choices. He sees me going to the gym and working out but I don't refer to myself as "fat" so I know he hasn't heard that from me. I think that might be one of the reasons it upset me so much because I don't see myself as really overweight. Yes, I need to lose weight, but I guess I didn't realize it was at the point where my son would notice it, if that makes sense. I've not had weight problems my whole life, really only these last few years. I guess that is why I was taken aback because even though I know for health reasons I need to get down to a healthier weight, I didn't realize it was to the point where a child would refer to it as "fat". Not that it matters, but I think that is what upset me. Kind of like a aha moment of "Wow, I guess I really AM fat if he is noticing it".
As a mother myself, it does not work this way. Kids learn by example. You can e.g. lecture a child for years against smoking, but if you are a chain-smoker and the child knows it, the child is seeing what you do and not listening to what you say. Same with food, if you prefer soda and chips to fruit, and the child sees these things available and you (general you, not you specifically) eating them, the message will not really be to eat more fruit.
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Where did your son hear that from first to say that? My children didn't know what the word fat meant until they did their sight words at school and it was there and my children would never call me names . The worst my children have ever said about me is my tummy is soft (it should be i carried both of them until 42 weeks and ive lost 60 kilos)
Your son has zero respect for you and that's your own fault.
He totally understand what he said - he's five not five months old.
Just an FYI - fat is not a sight word because it is a decodable word (they can sound it out). Sight words are words that are spelled differently than they sound. Fat is not on the dolch list or the Frye list of sight words.
Five year olds are still at the developmental stage where they are pretty egocentric. That means that they may be aware of others and their feelings , but they think of themselves first. When they are beginning to move beyond this stage they will test boundaries. They will say or do things to see the reaction that they get. This is normal childhood behavior and how they learn. It is not a matter of respect - it is a matter of learning from their environment. I have never met a child who has not hurt their parents feelings or any one else's feelings by saying something that was not appropriate. They do not come "prewired" to know right from wrong. Respect has nothing to do with it and it is not a parent's fault if the child does say something inappropriate. How the parent deals with the behavior and how they help guide the child is what counts.
My daughter at 5 called her father a "*kitten*" because she hear the word while we were out grocery shopping. Is that our fault? Should we have not taken her out grocery shopping so that she was not exposed to the word?
Any child who has any experience with media (TV, Youtube, etc) will have heard the word fat. It is everywhere. Even shows geared at children use the word, or it is discussed in the commercials aired during the show.0 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »brandnew222 wrote: »You americans are really afraid of getting hurt by the truth... Not talking about your son, but if someone is fat why can't people say "you're fat"?
Talking about your son, he was just angry.
Because it's rude? I don't get why people seem to be advocating a lessening of manners here. Just because someone is fat doesn't mean it's ok to tell them that - pro-tip - they probably know already.
Is it rude to state a fact? It's rude to tell someone that is retarded that they are retarded. It's rude to laugh at someone who lost both legs. It's not rude to call someone fat because they chose to be that way.-1 -
My thin 5 year old called me fat yesterday. Well, fatty, to be specific. I had hoped that would be a turning point and I cried and cried after he did. Not because I don't know I'm overweight, but because he knows. I don't ever want him to be embarrassed of me. I started today with the same resolve that I do most days, to not overeat and to stay within my calories. But alas, I made it until noon and then went to the store and got some popcorn and reese cups.
I wish I could stop this cycle. I've done well before but for some reason I can't get "it" this time. I feel like such a failure.
I know this is really long, so you don't have to read it. I just wanted to share my similar experience so you know you're not alone. :]
I went through the same thing for 3 summers in a row with my nieces. Last summer BOTH my nieces were calling me big and fat multiple times and it really hurt, and it was also shocking because I remember my sister saying years ago that she didn't want anyone using the word fat around them, and for some reason the summer after my sister said that, one of them called me fat for the first time and I asked her where she learned it from, and she told me some girl at her school. Since then, she's called me Big Bella Ella, and another time during the summer I sat in the middle of the seat between them in the car and I was getting out while we were going in to a restaurant, and she's like, "move your big butt." Last summer we were watching Netflix and she said, "I'm gonna sit by my biiiggg beautiful aunt," and later on that day I dropped something and I couldn't reach it off the floor and then her sister said to me, "because your big belly got in the way." It really hurt me because I love those kids more than anything and I didn't want them to see me that way. Talking to my sister about it didn't help because she said that they say the same thing to her and she just ignores it. I'm not like that though. Then a month later after that, last August, my mom waited for everyone to go to bed and she's like, "don't be mad at me, but are you pregnant?" Even though I would constantly tell her about the girls calling me big and fat and how that really hurt my feelings she still felt the need to ask me if I was pregnant, so I was mad her for that. I went to bed crying and I didn't speak to her until her next visit when my sister came and even then I was still mad at her. A few weeks later after my mom asked me that my other sister came to visit with some of my other nieces and she's like, "wow, Eleanor, you've gained a lot of weight since I last saw you, are you pregnant? It's okay if you are, but if you are we should put you on prenatal vitamins. I can take you to get some if you need them because that could get really bad if you don't take them." I laughed because I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and it was really awkward, and she was like, "why are you laughing? It's okay if you are, you're an adult, you're not 12." At that moment I couldn't understand why everyone was ganging up on me because of my weight. I never knew how hurtful it could be coming from your own family! A couple months before that, back in June last year, I went to the doctor for a diabetic exam and she made me use the cup; I thought it was for the diabetes like they always have me do, but instead she wanted to check to see if I was pregnant because I gained weight, but my test came back negative, so she also wanted me to get bloodwork done, but I refused to do it because I had done it a few days before that day when I had to get it done for the doctor appointment, plus I knew I wasn't pregnant because I hadn't been with anyone... Also, it wasn't just my family and the doctor that thought that. There were 3 strangers asking me when my baby was due! The reason I got this big is because I get depressed and eat my feelings. I wanted to lose the weight but it was really difficult because I was also depressed about everyone thinking I was pregnant and calling me fat, so starting this was really difficult. I cried when I signed up for this site when I remembered it from a couple years ago when I had it as an app. I'm like, "this better work!" I tried this for 2 months and wasn't having any luck with it and I felt overwhelmed, so I gave up. But now 2 months later I have my food scale and I'm feeling better, so I'm doing this again! I also learned to not eat around my nieces until I lose weight because I don't want them making fun of me while I eat. I really hope I have success here this time.0 -
You got in the car and made a special trip to store just to get junk food. That's not a quick impulsive thing. That's something with a lot of thought and intention behind it. If that's the cycle you wish to break, then what steps have you taken to break it? Put a post it note by your keys with your goals on it. Put your keys in your fruit bowl amidst the healthy snacks. Take your son to the store with you. Whatever you need to do.
But that said, your diet can probably afford snacks like that in moderation. If I have a little treat every day or every few days, I'm way less likely to do something crazy that sets me back.0 -
AdrianChr92 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »brandnew222 wrote: »You americans are really afraid of getting hurt by the truth... Not talking about your son, but if someone is fat why can't people say "you're fat"?
Talking about your son, he was just angry.
Because it's rude? I don't get why people seem to be advocating a lessening of manners here. Just because someone is fat doesn't mean it's ok to tell them that - pro-tip - they probably know already.
Is it rude to state a fact? It's rude to tell someone that is retarded that they are retarded. It's rude to laugh at someone who lost both legs. It's not rude to call someone fat because they chose to be that way.
What's the point? Why would you want to tell someone they're fat, unless to get a reaction? You don't know why they're fat, and it's none of your business, and none of your business to go 'telling' them either.
I'm really bemused by the lack of basic manners.0 -
Hi Beth,
I'm a parent myself and am overweight, my daughter is 4 and since watching the minion film constantly uses the phrase 'fatboy'. Though I'm not offended as I know how she means it, it got me thinking. First of all both me and my ex (her mother) are overweight, the hardest thing to do is find the motivation to make the changes you need to. Personally at the moment my struggle is being to strict on myself so maybe between us we can use each other's experience to end up in the middle.
I would say a huge motivation is to find a picture of yourself your really really hate, makes you look as overweight as possible and makes you cringe! Stick it everywhere, to the first place you look in the morning, on the fridge and best of all for while your out have it as your phones wallpaper! This will be your constant reminder as to why your putting down the unhealthy foods/drinks and help spur your to keep making good choices. Also if your on Facebook follow a man called John Burk, the guy is portrayed as a fat shamer and General bully, however, his message is not that fat people are disgusting etc its that fat people/unhealthy people who make excuses are a pet hate of his. Sometimes he is offensive but it's exactly that that will keep you going.
Secondly I would suggest going on to iifym.com and working out your TDEE and required macros for maintenance. Then take 20% off to achieve weight loss at a good rate. Once you've hit your macros anything goes within your calorie limits. Also LOG EVERYTHING!!! Using this app will make it easier.
As I said I'm too strict on myself and struggle to eat 'clean' and hit my macros, I need to learn to keep certain foods in my diet and not stick to chicken and veg with rice.
I hope this helps.0 -
All of these perfect parents with perfect children coming out of the woodwork are really great. I knew this was a weight loss board but didn't realize I was also amongst people who had children who never said an unkind word and also those who would handle their children so much better than they have anticipated that I did. I'm thoroughly impressed. Oh, and for the poster who rudely commented "she doesn't mention the dad" or something like that - my husband, who I've been happily married to for 9 years, was at work when this happened (I was at home with my son because he had a snow day) and he was not happy and also talked to my son about it when he got home. So, lest anyone else think I am a poor excuse of a mother who is raising this monster of a child by myself, please know that I am happily married to a man who also did not appreciate the word my son used.
Moving along - I don't think I've ever really talked about weight in front of my son. We talk about taking care of our bodies and eating healthy, but that is mostly towards him and his food choices. He sees me going to the gym and working out but I don't refer to myself as "fat" so I know he hasn't heard that from me. I think that might be one of the reasons it upset me so much because I don't see myself as really overweight. Yes, I need to lose weight, but I guess I didn't realize it was at the point where my son would notice it, if that makes sense. I've not had weight problems my whole life, really only these last few years. I guess that is why I was taken aback because even though I know for health reasons I need to get down to a healthier weight, I didn't realize it was to the point where a child would refer to it as "fat". Not that it matters, but I think that is what upset me. Kind of like a aha moment of "Wow, I guess I really AM fat if he is noticing it".
I feel for you, girl. From everything you've said, it sounds like your kid is perfectly normal and it sounds like you did a good job of correcting him and I'm really sorry how people are making out to be otherwise. I'm trying to stay out of it now because it seriously upsets me but wanted to tell you I'm sorry this thread has gotten so off track in such a ridiculous way.
After your initial posts, you made it sound like you got the junk food but only ate a little of it. That's not so bad. I think we all comfort eat to a degree but have to learn to keep it in control. We're you able to control it or were you way over on calories because of it?
If this thread can get back on target and stop debating parenting and child development, what specific question are you wanting help with. In the craziness that ensued here, I've gotten confused on what you actually want addressed or want help with.0 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »AdrianChr92 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »brandnew222 wrote: »You americans are really afraid of getting hurt by the truth... Not talking about your son, but if someone is fat why can't people say "you're fat"?
Talking about your son, he was just angry.
Because it's rude? I don't get why people seem to be advocating a lessening of manners here. Just because someone is fat doesn't mean it's ok to tell them that - pro-tip - they probably know already.
Is it rude to state a fact? It's rude to tell someone that is retarded that they are retarded. It's rude to laugh at someone who lost both legs. It's not rude to call someone fat because they chose to be that way.
What's the point? Why would you want to tell someone they're fat, unless to get a reaction? You don't know why they're fat, and it's none of your business, and none of your business to go 'telling' them either.
I'm really bemused by the lack of basic manners.
I just wanted to comment. You always know why someone is fat. A person consumes more calories than they "burn" over a period of time. There is physically no other way.0 -
Why couldn't you fit the reese's cups and popcorn into your calories for the day? I'm learning one fallacy many dieters have is going from 0 to 100. Cutting out favorite foods, saying it will be different this time, exercising 6 days a week when you've been exercising none, etc. These changes can't happen in a day, they are HUGE changes to your life. On top of that, being a mom of a small child is stressful and when your stress reserves are low you're more likely to not have resources to exercise FULL SCALE willpower on a diet. Lifestyle changes that stick must be as stress free as possible, which is why breaking the diet cycle for good normally starts with small changes every week. Like one week just switch from soda or diet soda to drinking only water. Everything else stays the same, no calorie counting, no healthy foods only thinking, etc. Then once you master that you go to the next change or just start by measuring your food that you eat. Not counting and restricting, just measuring. These are some examples, I'd suggest listening to the Half Size Me podcast and checking out her website. She gives awesome tips on breaking the diet cycle.
I'm sorry your son said that, I know he didn't mean to hurt you in the way that it did. It's hard to face how we feel about ourselves through the eyes of someone else though. Keep pushing and be patient.0
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