Any good jokes?

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24

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  • OneHundredToLose
    OneHundredToLose Posts: 8,523 Member
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    Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
  • 50sthenew30
    50sthenew30 Posts: 57 Member
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    I was lying in bed with my wife last ­Sunday morning when she called me by a special pet name, a loving and endearing term. ‘Hey Shorty,’ she said. ‘Would you like to hear the patter of little feet?’


    Taken aback, I replied: ‘Yes, I would.’


    She said: ‘Good. Run down to the kitchen and get me a glass of water.’


    Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1335573/Warm-cockles-Ronnie-Corbetts-best-gags.html#ixzz46LWhgynL
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  • huntersvonnegut
    huntersvonnegut Posts: 1,177 Member
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    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."

    The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."
  • huntersvonnegut
    huntersvonnegut Posts: 1,177 Member
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    A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
  • Amanda_0707
    Amanda_0707 Posts: 103 Member
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    huntersvonnegut wrote: »
    A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

    Omgahd so stupid its great
  • huntersvonnegut
    huntersvonnegut Posts: 1,177 Member
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    Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f**k it?"
  • huntersvonnegut
    huntersvonnegut Posts: 1,177 Member
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    The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

    A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
  • michaelguzzo
    michaelguzzo Posts: 6 Member
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    the nuns rode their bikes from the convent to the church every morning. One day Mother Superior decided to take them on a different route. As they were riding along, one of the new sisters took in the surrounding scenery. She rode up to Mother Superior and said "Mother, I've never come this way before." Mother Superior replied, "It's the cobblestones, honey."
  • jenovatrix
    jenovatrix Posts: 219 Member
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    A duck walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "got any raisins?" Bartender says no.
    Next day, duck comes back, asks the same question. Bartender says no again.
    The third day, the duck comes back, asks the same question. Bartender yells "I told you we don't have any *kitten* raisins, and if you ask again, I swear I will nail your bill to the wall!"
    The day after that, the duck comes back. He says "got a hammer?" The bartender says no.
    Duck says, "got any raisins?"
  • Skeeterbug13
    Skeeterbug13 Posts: 12 Member
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    What happened to the frog when he got stuck on the side of the road?




    He got Toad. :smiley:
  • ohpiper
    ohpiper Posts: 729 Member
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    Hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring? He decided to stick it out one more year.
  • swbenbow
    swbenbow Posts: 87 Member
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    Two parrots on a perch. One says to the other "Something smells fishy!"
  • Amanda_0707
    Amanda_0707 Posts: 103 Member
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    michaelguzzo wrote: »
    the nuns rode their bikes from the convent to the church every morning. One day Mother Superior decided to take them on a different route. As they were riding along, one of the new sisters took in the surrounding scenery. She rode up to Mother Superior and said "Mother, I've never come this way before." Mother Superior replied, "It's the cobblestones, honey."

    Hahahha ewwww
  • Amanda_0707
    Amanda_0707 Posts: 103 Member
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    Skeeterbug13 wrote: »
    What happened to the frog when he got stuck on the side of the road?




    He got Toad. :smiley:

    Simple jokes are my favorite
  • sterlingarcher310
    sterlingarcher310 Posts: 2 Member
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    Why did Adele cross the road?


    She wanted to say "hello" from the other side.
  • _HunterKiller_
    _HunterKiller_ Posts: 544 Member
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    What do you call an alien with 3 balls?

    An Extra Testicle
  • shadowfax_c11
    shadowfax_c11 Posts: 1,942 Member
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    Did you know it is impossible to run through a campsite?

    You can only ran, because it's past tents.
  • Amanda_0707
    Amanda_0707 Posts: 103 Member
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    shadowfax_c11 wrote: »
    Did you know it is impossible to run through a campsite?

    You can only ran, because it's past tents.

    Oh my gosh i get it hahahhaha

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