Significant others that don't understand calorie counting
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If a person can't respect your feelings/needs around this issue, you may want to seriously consider if this person will respect other important areas of your life. Something to think about long term.....especially if marriage is being considered.2
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lauraesh0384 wrote: »alondrakayy wrote: »My husband and I have different methods of dieting. He has a lot of self control and is able to be on a 'clean' diet for long periods of times. He understands that I need to count in order to stay on track. He didn't get it at first, but after a year of going off and on counting calories he has noticed that this is what works for me and my body. I think, for now, try to enjoy your time together and just order calorie friendly items. If he has a problem with that then there may be a more deeper issue that you both need to discuss.
Maybe this guy likes bigger women. Maybe he is all about that bass.
He does. He said that he liked how I looked at 185-190 lbs. But on a 5'6" frame that's just not healthy. And I felt so disgusting at that weight. I'm 162 now and I feel pretty good. I'll feel a lot better once I get to my goal weight. Which is 145-150. I think he misses the person that would be down to going to all you can eat buffets and didn't care about how much food I would eat. I told him that's not going to be my lifestyle anymore. He could stand to lose a little bit of weight himself, but would never do that.
I guess you can't really blame a guy for enjoying a little more to hold at night, but don't let him drag you back to bad habits. Your health is way more important then having all the right junk in all the right places and I don't care what Meghan Trainor has to say on the subject.7 -
I currently live with my mum while I do my MSc and although she's not my significant other, we still eat together. She's one of those 'naturally thin' people who has never really needed to lose weight but does try to eat healthily for the most part.
When I first started mfp I had already lost about 3 stone without any tracking or counting and she has been incredibly supportive. However, she really didn't get why I wanted to count calories or that I needed to weigh food.
I had to be a bit stubborn about it, because on the days she would cook dinner she would just plate my food up and get annoyed when I removed things from the plate to weigh them. She didn't understand why I needed to pay so much attention to the exact calorie count when I had been successful without it for months.
I'm lucky that we have a good relationship and I just explained to her about CICO, that as a smaller person now I had little wiggle room to actually lose so I needed to be accurate. It took a while before she really got it, but now she is totally on board.
On the nights she cooks she writes down the raw weights for me (I don't get home til late or I'd be doing it myself), so I can just eat and log it when I get in. If she wants a higher calorie dinner, like a takeaway, she'll give me lots of notice so that I can work the rest of my meals round it (or I can just cook something lighter for myself).
My counting has even helped her with what she eats - although she's not overweight she has said she needs to be more careful now that she's in her 60's so that things don't get too 'squidgy round her middle'! The salad dressing she was making was crazy high in calories so I decided to skip it - now neither of us have it because she almost had a heart attack when I told her the calorie count...well, she did ask!
Ultimately, this is my 'diet' and my responsibility. BUT as someone who claims to love and care about me (and I know she does) I would expect a certain amount of acceptance that this is important for my health and something I am committed to. Because she cares about me she supports the good decisions I'm making - even if it means weighing raw broccoli!
I would seriously question a relationship where one person is putting their desire to get what they want and to have life stay the same, over the health and happiness of the person they say they love.
Edited to add: My friends also get it. One even told me the calorie count of the biscuits she offered me the other day, because she knows I always look at the packet! It's not the only thing in my life, but it does take commitment and now I've proven that I'm sticking with it, the people who care about me want to support me.8 -
OP can't help your partner doesn't appreciate you anymore. There's nothing wrong with her wanting to plan ahead. It's not flattering when someone wants to take you out for a meal but only on their terms.
[quoted post removed by MFP mods]2 -
lauraesh0384 wrote: »He does. He said that he liked how I looked at 185-190 lbs. But on a 5'6" frame that's just not healthy. And I felt so disgusting at that weight. I'm 162 now and I feel pretty good. I'll feel a lot better once I get to my goal weight. Which is 145-150. I think he misses the person that would be down to going to all you can eat buffets and didn't care about how much food I would eat. I told him that's not going to be my lifestyle anymore. He could stand to lose a little bit of weight himself, but would never do that.
I know a couple like that! Actually the boys tend to agree this guy is a bit of a "feeder", and yeah he could lose a few himself. But that is their choice and does not affect me.
My guy brings a lamington home for me occasionally (about 215 calories) but he also sees my training patterns and tends to put things in front of me knowing that I should probably replenish (I have some issues fuelling training sessions).
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My fiancé thinks weighing things is amusing but he understands it is what works for me. I'm a bigger dinner eater, purely because I cook for the two of us and his eating for breakfast/lunch is shocking, so I need to make sure he gets a good meal in. My calories for breakfast/lunch tend to be around 400 calories.
When it comes to going out, we normally say we will go out in a few days time. On the times we decided to eat out that day, I will have enough time to jiggle my calories around. If I don't? Well, I'll go out and eat anyway as a one-off, and fix the calorie average over the week.
If he's only asking once every couple of weeks or so, that doesn't sound like he is pushing for a lot. One meal out (when you can choose the best option) every so often won't derail your journey.
If he's asking all the time and seems like he is subtly trying to sabotage you because he wants the all-you-can-eat you back so he has an eating buddy for creature comforts, then you may have a problem as he hasn't realised that 'you' have changed. In a sad way, you may find that the new 'you' and old 'him' won't work on this journey going forward.3 -
I think you both have to learn the art of compromise.
Why don't you offer to cook 3 nights a week and give him 3 nights of going out for dinner.
Pre plan your menu for the week knowing the days that you eat in or out may change but your calorie goal will stay the same.
By now you probably know what his favourite restaurants are, look them up and plan 2-3 alternates for each place. This will give you the approximate calorie goal to build around on the days you eat out.
Or as mentioned up thread start logging your all your dinners the on the following day then you will know how much to eat for lunch and dinner that day. ( ie: you eat out on Tuesday but log it as Wednesday's dinner) your weekly goal will still be the same but it gives you room to manoeuvre.
Cheers, h.0 -
I think "I'd love to go out for dinner just give me more notice so I can plan ahead." Is already a fair enough compromise. I don't understand how he can have an issue with that if he respects you, your time, your needs, and your goals.
I have a friend who needs to know the day before if we're going to catch up for drinks in the evening. It's annoying because there are times where you have a tough day and just want to spontaneously go for a drink after work but that's not enough notice, and there's no other reason for it except that makes him more comfortable, we both live a short walking distance from our local, no partner/kids for him to plan around - But he made it clear so my options are to just go along with it, or spend less time with him. I chose the former as he is a dear friend, and I don't need to understand his needs, just respect them.
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"I tend to avoid eating out in general due to the high sodium content."
Why? The salt in a few meals out will have no negative impact on health or weight loss over the long term.0 -
The way I handle surprise outings:
Eat at maintenance that day...or
Log what I planned for that day, but eat it tomorrow and log today's outing tomorrow, planning around it, basically say I had low calorie chili planned for the evening, but then I had to go out and had a lasagna. I would log the chili, as if I had it today and log the lasagna for tomorrow, planning around it to fit, but eat the chili.3 -
Your diet isn't his diet. He's not trying to lose, so the choice really is up to you. You DON'T have to eat what he eats. Bring your own, or eat later.
The reality is, as much as people would like to believe that their goals should be compromiseable to everyone, not everyone really cares. In fact more don't care than really care. So it's up to YOU to do what you need to if weight loss is your goal.
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As I read the OPs post, one of the very reasonable things she is asking for is that things are planned in advance, allowing her to make her other decisions accordingly.
I don't think that this is much to ask for at all.
Exactly why is that an unreasonable request? If my wife asked this if me, I would do it without question!
^ exactly! It's not much to ask at all! I can understand as she wants to plan out her day.
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lauraesh0384 wrote: »The biggest issue here is definitely that he didn't ask me in advance. Had he said last night, "Hey, I want to go to dinner tomorrow night", I would had been able to plan accordingly. By the time I had breakfast and lunch I was already at 1400 calories. I usually eat around 2000-2100. Some of the chain restaurants we like, it's not hard to blow those calories out of the water. Not to mention he kept asking me what some low calorie options are and wouldn't hone in on a specific restaurant. Hopefully he'll take into consideration what I said about planning in advance. And I know for a fact that if I went and didn't order anything he would get upset just the same as if I said I didn't want to go. I have avoided eating out for the most part because I like knowing what's going into my food and how many calories I'm really consuming. When I cook at home, I am in total control of that.
Can I ask you your stats? Are you maintaining on this 2000-2100 calorie diet? Just wondering to compare. I also only have around 10 more lbs to lose. I'm 5'6, 143 lbs, 46 yr old woman. Just curious
and I totally get how you feel with all of this! So frustrating!!
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JeromeBarry1 wrote: »"Salad, no dressing," works for me.
Bravo! I did that yesterday. After I had just had lunch I took my dad (he can't drive due to eyesight) out to Walmart. It was 12:30 and he hadn't had lunch and suggested Wendy's fast food. I took him there, and I ordered the garden side salad for 25 calories.
I was so proud of myself! The only thing he said was, "I guess you aren't very hungry, hunh?" I replied that I had already eaten breakfast and lunch so he nodded in agreement. It didn't bother me at all and was quite liberating to enjoy conversation together without packing in extra calories.4 -
I rarely go out to eat as we have young children and shortage of sitters! But I can sympathise my OH like many others isn't dieting and can eat anything and everything in site and still not gain weight! His very lucky! I have him constantly telling me I'm stupid for dieting I don't need to and don't be ridiculous you can eat way you want etc! I don't stop him eating wat he likes I just limit wat I eat. I do agree with other posters most restaurants have low cal / light bites on menu - lean chicken or beef with low carbs and salad all good options. It is hard tho when ur dieting and partners are not so supportive of you x0
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We eat out/order in quite often. I tend to eat light for breakfast. If I choose something high calorie while we're out, I portion out what will fit in my calories for the day, & take the rest home for another meal. I enjoy eating out, & spending that time with my family, so I adjust my priorities accordingly. If you absolutely are against that, perhaps you need to reconsider having a relationship, until you are happy with you.0
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Hmm, would it be possible for you to go out with him and eat only half of the food you order and take rest of it home with you for lunch next day? That could be one solution you could try sometimes 3
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I struggle with my husband sometimes. We both have different relationships with food. He lives to eat and can eat alot with out gaining weight. Where as I'm not really that botherd unless I'm hungry. However I do like my craft ale (which is probaly why I'm here). Sometimes he wants a take away or to eat out. Sometimes I'm up for it, especially if I have had a good few weeks. Other times I don't want to because of various reasons. I always tell him if he wants a take away have it and I will eat something else. Then he pouts and sulks and says things like it's not the same when you don't join in. Then somtimes a argument erupts, especially if we are both tired. All because of food....there is more to life than eating unhealthy food. I really enjoy my healthy meals....some times I like unhealthy food but in moderation.2
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My wife seems to lose weight no matter what I eat. She even does it without calorie counting, which is at complete odds with how I diet. It's almost as if we are two separate people who can choose what we, as individuals, put into our own mouths. It's bizarre, I know.8
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Losewtforlife4him wrote: »lauraesh0384 wrote: »The biggest issue here is definitely that he didn't ask me in advance. Had he said last night, "Hey, I want to go to dinner tomorrow night", I would had been able to plan accordingly. By the time I had breakfast and lunch I was already at 1400 calories. I usually eat around 2000-2100. Some of the chain restaurants we like, it's not hard to blow those calories out of the water. Not to mention he kept asking me what some low calorie options are and wouldn't hone in on a specific restaurant. Hopefully he'll take into consideration what I said about planning in advance. And I know for a fact that if I went and didn't order anything he would get upset just the same as if I said I didn't want to go. I have avoided eating out for the most part because I like knowing what's going into my food and how many calories I'm really consuming. When I cook at home, I am in total control of that.
Can I ask you your stats? Are you maintaining on this 2000-2100 calorie diet? Just wondering to compare. I also only have around 10 more lbs to lose. I'm 5'6, 143 lbs, 46 yr old woman. Just curious and I totally get how you feel with all of this! So frustrating!!
I'm losing weight. I'm 31 years old, 5'6" and 162 lbs. I'm also active. I'm on my feet pretty much all day at work. I usually get about 15-17k steps in.1 -
I think you've identified your problem: he likes bigger women and he's probably not happy that you're losing and you have to alter your lifestyle (and his to a certain extent) for that to happen.4
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My husband told me that counting calories doesn't make any sense. I tried to explain CICO to him, but I could see his attention wandering away while I was talking.0
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2snakeswoman wrote: »My husband told me that counting calories doesn't make any sense. I tried to explain CICO to him, but I could see his attention wandering away while I was talking.
Sounds like he knows it makes sense and he wants to avoid it. I've known plenty of people like this and the sad thing is, it's the only way that works.1 -
If you have 600-700 calories left, that sounds like enough to eat *something* pretty much anywhere you go. Maybe not your normal order or a splurge order with apps and dessert, but a real meal.
Are you saying that you only want to go out to eat if you have enough calories to really go wild? If so, that might be something to look into because it may be more sustainable long-term to see lower calorie options at restaurants as another option, in addition to the choices of not going or going whole hog.
Sometimes you have to say no to things, but it can get to be controlling if you only ever do things on your own terms without considering your boyfriend's wishes.1 -
I completely understand the people who say that this is the OP's journey and she can't expect him to do exactly what she's doing, etc.
That's actually how most of these "My SO doesn't understand/isn't supportive" threads go: "I am trying to lose weight. My SO isn't. He insists on keeping chips and donuts in the house. Help!"
To which the answer is, you shouldn't be forcing him to change his eating habits if he doesn't want to/need to. You'll have to come up with coping strategies for having those foods in the house.
HOWEVER......
This thread is different. The OP is not asking her SO to not eat certain foods, or to keep certain foods out of the house. All she is asking for is a little notice, so she can go out to eat with him. She's not even asking to pick the place. She's asking for a little time.
That sounds completely reasonable to me. I understand that we only have one side of the story to go on here, but the fact that he is telling her to compromise but seems unwilling to do so himself is concerning.
She's not asking him to completely overhaul his life. She asking him to say "Want to go out to dinner tomorrow?" instead of "Want to go out to dinner in an hour?" That doesn't seem like a helluva lot to ask.6 -
teetertatertango wrote: »If you have 600-700 calories left, that sounds like enough to eat *something* pretty much anywhere you go. Maybe not your normal order or a splurge order with apps and dessert, but a real meal.
Are you saying that you only want to go out to eat if you have enough calories to really go wild? If so, that might be something to look into because it may be more sustainable long-term to see lower calorie options at restaurants as another option, in addition to the choices of not going or going whole hog.
Sometimes you have to say no to things, but it can get to be controlling if you only ever do things on your own terms without considering your boyfriend's wishes.
It's less about the calories and more so about the sodium. I don't like the way a lot of extra sodium makes me feel. I hate the bloated feeling.
I'm not controlling his eating habits if any way. He can still eat whatever he chooses. However, I know that he uses food to comfort himself. If he wants to engorge himself with thousands of calories, I'm not going to stop him.0 -
I agree with booksandchocolate. A relationship has to be balanced. I'm not sure his need to be able to make spontaneous decisions to go out to dinner outweighs her need to plan her intake in order to meet her caloric goals.
How to handle this (and whether it is worth dealing with it) depends on how often it is happening. If it is only a couple of times a year, it might not even be worth addressing, but this sounds like it is happening more regularly. So I would sit down and have a talk about this issue in terms of what you need. In order to meet your goals, you need to know at the beginning of the day if he would like to go out to eat. It may be a simple as having a conversation the night before or early in the day regarding dinner plans. If he wants to make a last minute decision to eat out, that is fine, but it also needs to be fine for you to proceed with the dinner plans you agreed upon earlier.
I would also have a talk about things that you two can do together other than going out to eat. I'd be a bit concerned about continuing a relationship in which both partners don't share at least a few common interests outside of eating at restaurants.2 -
I agree with booksandchocolate. A relationship has to be balanced. I'm not sure his need to be able to make spontaneous decisions to go out to dinner outweighs her need to plan her intake in order to meet her caloric goals.
How to handle this (and whether it is worth dealing with it) depends on how often it is happening. If it is only a couple of times a year, it might not even be worth addressing, but this sounds like it is happening more regularly. So I would sit down and have a talk about this issue in terms of what you need. In order to meet your goals, you need to know at the beginning of the day if he would like to go out to eat. It may be a simple as having a conversation the night before or early in the day regarding dinner plans. If he wants to make a last minute decision to eat out, that is fine, but it also needs to be fine for you to proceed with the dinner plans you agreed upon earlier.
I would also have a talk about things that you two can do together other than going out to eat. I'd be a bit concerned about continuing a relationship in which both partners don't share at least a few common interests outside of eating at restaurants.
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lauraemily84 wrote: »I rarely go out to eat as we have young children and shortage of sitters! But I can sympathise my OH like many others isn't dieting and can eat anything and everything in site and still not gain weight! His very lucky! I have him constantly telling me I'm stupid for dieting I don't need to and don't be ridiculous you can eat way you want etc! I don't stop him eating wat he likes I just limit wat I eat. I do agree with other posters most restaurants have low cal / light bites on menu - lean chicken or beef with low carbs and salad all good options. It is hard tho when ur dieting and partners are not so supportive of you x
He constantly tells you you're stupid?! If he's trying to tell you he loves you just as you are and you're beautiful, I wish he'd do it in a more positive way.
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lauraesh0384 wrote: »alondrakayy wrote: »My husband and I have different methods of dieting. He has a lot of self control and is able to be on a 'clean' diet for long periods of times. He understands that I need to count in order to stay on track. He didn't get it at first, but after a year of going off and on counting calories he has noticed that this is what works for me and my body. I think, for now, try to enjoy your time together and just order calorie friendly items. If he has a problem with that then there may be a more deeper issue that you both need to discuss.
Maybe this guy likes bigger women. Maybe he is all about that bass.
He does. He said that he liked how I looked at 185-190 lbs. But on a 5'6" frame that's just not healthy. And I felt so disgusting at that weight. I'm 162 now and I feel pretty good. I'll feel a lot better once I get to my goal weight. Which is 145-150. I think he misses the person that would be down to going to all you can eat buffets and didn't care about how much food I would eat. I told him that's not going to be my lifestyle anymore. He could stand to lose a little bit of weight himself, but would never do that.
He can only "sabotage" you if you let him. You said yourself you usually have 600-700 calories left at dinner. You can easily go out to eat on that calorie budget - get a low calorie or calorie free beverage (unsweetened iced tea, diet soda, black coffee, whatever you prefer), skip the breadbasket, skip appetizers, order a simply cooked protein and a couple veggie sides or a salad (no fried meats and watch the toppings), order dressings, sauces, or butter on the side or left off completely. If you have room, split a dessert with him and only take a few bites (or don't bother about dessert at all). I know restaraunt food often contains crazy amounts of sodium, and that can cause water retention, but that's not the same as fat gain - it won't prevent you from reaching your goals, it just might take a few days for the scale to be accurate again, no biggie.
When he says he doesn't plan to eat out, it then "gets hungry" and decides last minute to go to a restaraunt, does he realize that it takes longer to go out to eat than it does to make most things at home? After you factor in the drive there, the wait for a table, waiting for the drink order, and waiting after you place your food order, it could be upwards of an hour before you actually get your food (except maybe fast food). You can easily put together a home cooked meal in half that time. I'm assuming you two live together (otherwise it would be a non issue). Maybe take the initiative to prep some crockpot meals so by the time he gets hungry, dinner is done. Are your schedules predictable enough to have a consistant dinner time? Do you do most of the cooking? If so, start planning your dinners ahead (this is great for saving money at the grocery store too), and let him know what you are making earlier in the day. Remember to schedule some nights out, of course, but maybe if he knows what you guys are having for dinner, he won't be so quick to suggest going out.
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I did manage to find something at Olive Garden I could eat that was a decent amount of calories and not loaded with sodium so I offered to go there for lunch since I couldn't for dinner last night. They have a Fettuccine Alfredo mini pasta bowl that is 500 calories and 450mg of sodium. I'm assuming it's half the portion of their dinner entree. I passed on the breadsticks and salad (since their dressing is super high in sodium).6
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