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Date decided I was too fat after getting naked

daydreams_of_pretty

This is embarrassing.

A couple of weeks ago a guy I'd been dating decided after seeing me naked got the first time that I'm too fat, and he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He did (helpfully) provide a list of the parts of me that ARE attractive (basically everything but my torso). His comments are really messing with my head, especially since I'm not happy with my body and already losing weight. (I've been on MFP for two years now.)

I spend so much time trying to convince myself that having this extra weight doesn't nullify my other good qualities, but he straight up told me it did. He told me he was falling in love with me and that everything else about me was perfect and unique, but he didn't think he could ever be attracted to me again because of the fat.

This has lead to a lot of my friends and relatives remarking, "You're not even that fat."

Annnddddd I'm *kitten* things up with a new guy because I'm all worried about it now. What if he does the same thing?

I'm working out a ton right now.

So, yeah.

Tags

Replies

nevermind- wrote a bunch of stuff but it was off-topic and not important

ultimately- love vs. lust. If someone cares enough about appearance they'd end a relationship over it, it's probably more on the side of lust.

Dove0804 wrote: »

xmichaelyx wrote: »

Gallowmere1984 wrote: »

Can't lie: I've done this before. Some things just get unacceptably out of hand.

Agreed. You can't fault people for what they find attractive or unattractive (although you CAN fault them for handling it like an *kitten*). If my SO put on lots of weight and didn't have very serious medical issues, I doubt I'd stay with her. Yes, I'm shallow like that and yes, we had that conversation very early on in our relationship.

OP, you mention that you're "working out a ton right now." That's great for you, and can really help you look great naked once you slim down (assuming that's your goal), but it's unlikely to change how you look in the short term.

What you eat is far more important than what you do.

From your profile: "I'm over 40 and have a hot, younger gf", inspiration: "Chicks, man"
It does sound like your relationship is pretty shallow (to use your word).

I understand that a lot of relationships are built on attraction first, then love. I think a lot of what we're discussing in this thread is lust vs. love. If appearance is important enough that one would end a relationship over it, I don't believe there is love there. There are a lot of wonderful men in the world, but it's undeniable that there are a great many men who believe they deserve trophy girlfriends and that's the most important thing to them.

It reminds me of a couple of YouTube videos I've seen. In both videos, a person wore a fat suit and was set up on dates (through some dating site or app) where they looked more attractive in their profile pictures than in person. In one video, it was a woman wearing the suit. She was very sweet and pleasant. All but one of the men showing up for the date with the woman took one look at her and left. The excuse some gave is that she was a liar for having a different picture up. The man who stayed said some weird stuff and clearly wasn't interested, but he at least tried to be decent.

In the second video, made by the same people, it was a man wearing a fat suit, and he wasn't anywhere near as pleasant as the girl. All of the women stayed for the date. Some even agreed to a second date. They probably were a little annoyed about the pictures showing a much different physique, but they gave him a chance anyway.

Just interesting things to think about.

I have no idea how long the OP and this guy were dating but I get the impression that it wasn't very long, based on the fact that she has moved on and is dating another person after "a couple of weeks." I don't think it is realistic to expect love within the time period that I am guessing this relationship played out so while I hate that her feelings were hurt, I don't think the "if he really loved you he would stay even if you are overweight" type comments are useful. They seem a bit naive, to me. "I'm falling in love with you" =/= "I love you." If a person wants to get naked with a person within a relatively short amount of time, that is absolutely fine and dandy but s/he should be realistic about whether or not there is the safety net of actual love which does often cause partners to look past characteristics that would bother them in lesser relationships.

My stomach looks like a beige Hefty bag half-filled with cooked oatmeal had gross sex with freddy kruger and my stomach is their love-child. And my husband still can't keep his hands off it.

I kinda wanna meet this guy and smack him with some of my excess tummy skin.

pics...for science and stuff

Ben_there_done_that

Brutal. Success is the best revenge.

((hugs)) You deserve better.

onefortyone wrote: »

My stomach looks like a beige Hefty bag half-filled with cooked oatmeal had gross sex with freddy kruger and my stomach is their love-child. And my husband still can't keep his hands off it.

I kinda wanna meet this guy and smack him with some of my excess tummy skin.

my stomach looks like this plus deflated loose sagging skin sack but im single ...and what the OP has experienced is why i hide away from trying to date

haviegirl wrote: »

Whew! Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

This ^^ So much this.

wjstoj wrote: »

pics...for science and stuff

I can't believe it took 3 pages before this finally came up!

T1DCarnivoreRunner

salembambi wrote: »

onefortyone wrote: »

My stomach looks like a beige Hefty bag half-filled with cooked oatmeal had gross sex with freddy kruger and my stomach is their love-child. And my husband still can't keep his hands off it.

I kinda wanna meet this guy and smack him with some of my excess tummy skin.

my stomach looks like this plus deflated loose sagging skin sack but im single ...and what the OP has experienced is why i hide away from trying to date

I still try to find dates, but my stomach isn't just fat... it is scarred from thousands of shots, cannulas, and CGM's being stuck in it for more than 2 decades. Even if/when I have visible abs, the skin on top will always look gross.

Dude sounds like a tool. First as others have said, you don't need a be a dick telling someone the reason you aren't attracted anymore. Its not working is just fine. Secondly, people who only look at body composition aren't worth the time of day because guess what, we all age and even those in the best of shape are going to start sagging and not looking like 20 years olds. So do you really want someone whose with you only if they find your appearance attractive. One of the most heart warming stories I ever heard was of a man horrifically burnt in a work place accident. He looked nothing like the person his wife had married, he was disfigured and no matter how many surgeries he ever had, he'd never look the same again. He even tells the running joke that they had to take part of *kitten* and use it to create new eye lids. This man's wife stayed with him through it all and they even had another child together after this.

He's an *kitten*... his preferences are HIS only and not the rest of the world's. You need to look the way you want to look, not the way he thinks you should look. Seriously, don't let his comments change where you were headed or how you feel about yourself.

It he was seriously falling in love with you, being overweight would not have made a difference. People change throughout their lives you don't need somebody who is going to base his love on whether your body is perfect to his standards or not because as time takes it's toll, it is inevitable it won't stay the same forever.

This works both ways- you should also not solely judge a person by the way they look.

Yes I do feel that personal attraction is very important in a relationship especially at first, but it is not the most important thing and everybody's concept of ideal is different.

There is probably somebody "out there" who would be happy with you just the way you are and ALSO if you lost a little weight or gained some back.... I'm just sayin'

After being married about a year, my now ex-husband told me the same thing. That he loved me and was attracted to everything about me except I was too fat for him to find sexually attractive. Now that I'm single again, I don't know that I'll ever have the confidence to trust another man that much. To be that vulnerable after being hurt so deeply, seems impossible.

I really hope you don't let this idiot hurt you as deeply as I did. I hope you love yourself so much that idiots can't hurt you with their own insecurities and lies.

MoveitlikeManda

there was only one unattracktive person in that relationship and it was definately not you and your wobbly bits..........it was that dick and his so so so *kitten* personality.

he clearly was not the man for you, if he was he wouldnt have even notice if you had 2 heads let alone some extra weight.
sod him, try (hard i know) not to let his vile comments get to you and move forward, definately use it as motivation to help you get to where you want to be but dont fret about what others think or let it bring you down

jemhh wrote: »

Dove0804 wrote: »

xmichaelyx wrote: »

Gallowmere1984 wrote: »

Can't lie: I've done this before. Some things just get unacceptably out of hand.

Agreed. You can't fault people for what they find attractive or unattractive (although you CAN fault them for handling it like an *kitten*). If my SO put on lots of weight and didn't have very serious medical issues, I doubt I'd stay with her. Yes, I'm shallow like that and yes, we had that conversation very early on in our relationship.

OP, you mention that you're "working out a ton right now." That's great for you, and can really help you look great naked once you slim down (assuming that's your goal), but it's unlikely to change how you look in the short term.

What you eat is far more important than what you do.

From your profile: "I'm over 40 and have a hot, younger gf", inspiration: "Chicks, man"
It does sound like your relationship is pretty shallow (to use your word).

I understand that a lot of relationships are built on attraction first, then love. I think a lot of what we're discussing in this thread is lust vs. love. If appearance is important enough that one would end a relationship over it, I don't believe there is love there. There are a lot of wonderful men in the world, but it's undeniable that there are a great many men who believe they deserve trophy girlfriends and that's the most important thing to them.

It reminds me of a couple of YouTube videos I've seen. In both videos, a person wore a fat suit and was set up on dates (through some dating site or app) where they looked more attractive in their profile pictures than in person. In one video, it was a woman wearing the suit. She was very sweet and pleasant. All but one of the men showing up for the date with the woman took one look at her and left. The excuse some gave is that she was a liar for having a different picture up. The man who stayed said some weird stuff and clearly wasn't interested, but he at least tried to be decent.

In the second video, made by the same people, it was a man wearing a fat suit, and he wasn't anywhere near as pleasant as the girl. All of the women stayed for the date. Some even agreed to a second date. They probably were a little annoyed about the pictures showing a much different physique, but they gave him a chance anyway.

Just interesting things to think about.

I have no idea how long the OP and this guy were dating but I get the impression that it wasn't very long, based on the fact that she has moved on and is dating another person after "a couple of weeks." I don't think it is realistic to expect love within the time period that I am guessing this relationship played out so while I hate that her feelings were hurt, I don't think the "if he really loved you he would stay even if you are overweight" type comments are useful. They seem a bit naive, to me. "I'm falling in love with you" =/= "I love you." If a person wants to get naked with a person within a relatively short amount of time, that is absolutely fine and dandy but s/he should be realistic about whether or not there is the safety net of actual love which does often cause partners to look past characteristics that would bother them in lesser relationships.

I was more referencing the person I quoted than OP, which is why I edited my original post- it wasn't helpful.

dolliesdaughter

Ok, when were you released from the county jail after elbowing him in the nose? What a donkey. He is a top notch loser.

MoveitlikeManda

even if your not in love with somebody a bit of respect, tact and common decency are not too much to ask for.

OP is working on her weight to get to where SHE wants to be and I have no question she WILL achieve that
however that bloke is a pig and there aint alot he can do to change that

your date was a tool. don't listen to him. and don't let his words ruin any future relationships. you do you girl! love yourself and be proud of what your body can do.

What an *kitten*! And then he listed your "good" qualities? I know it felt horrible, but good riddance! He would not have been a good guy. Not all guys will do that. Take a chance on this new one. Good luck!

Coming from a guy.

Walk away.

If he's judging you openly about looks. Then I would had to think whats going on in his head.

That's awful!! I'm so sorry he said those things and acted on them. People can be so so cruel BUT it sounds like you dodged a major bullet. Keep your head up high and keep doing YOU and what makes you happy!

Sued0nim wrote: »

I have been with the same man for 20 years - he loved me thin, pregnant, chubby, obese, and fit

He thought I was gorgeous thin, pregnant, chubby, obese and fit

He would never take one body part and make a deal out it

Yes! It's great when you're with someone that loves you no matter what size you are. My "hottie" husband has loved me through many sizes.

I can't even tell you how many times people have assumed that I didn't meet my husband until after I lost 140 pounds. When I tell them I was fat when we met and at my heaviest, about 275 pounds, when he proposed to me, people are shocked because, you know, no one could possibly find a fat girl attractive or marriage material.

If someone doesn't want to be with you because of your size, find someone else.

Ugh, what a gross jerk. Sorry you had to deal with that, but just think how much better it is to be you than to be Mr. Forever Alone Because He's A Douchenozzle.

WAS HE SERIOUS!?!?!
Good Riddens!!!!
This dude better be looking like BRAD MF PITT, in his younger days to be saying something like that to you.... No where was that helpful.
Forget that WEAK JERK. Keep doing what you're doing and don't look back.

Seriously ignore his rude comments and his dumb opinion, you will find someone who loves you for you and doesn't criticize your body parts, he needs to grow up and learn some manners, what a jerk.

Sounds like he has an over developed since of entitlement. AKA *kitten*.

daydreams_of_pretty

You guys are kitten

amazing! Thank you for helping

I do think my shape is pretty noticeable in clothes, lol. I'm not sure why it was a surprise. It's not like I Ursula-hulk out my clothes.

newmeadow wrote: »

Sounds like he should limit himself to paying for kitten. He could peruse the wares carefully and choose his favorite style up front with no strings attached. That way, he'll refrain from hurting real women's feelings. And more importantly, he'll eventually secure for himself an oozing case of herpes so he'll be limited to romantic exchanges of the professional variety for the rest of his life.

A close friend of mine was once an escort, and she's a real woman with real feelings too.

And she certainly deserves better than a creep like this!

That is so horrible. Honestly any guy who could be falling in love with someone and have it all undone by something stupid like having some extra weight in a spot isn't worth it. I know it isn't losing the guy that you are talking about here but that he basically pointed out how you already feel but what a freaking jerky. I met my husband on eharmony and I was terrified when I met him that he would think I was too fat and decide I wasn't worth it even though we had been talking and liked each other. I'm so glad to have found someone who makes me feel like I am beautiful (and I am much bigger than you I bet). I hope you find that and no one ever makes you feel the way this one jerky did.

OlyCapitalChick

He was showing you he couldnt handle your beauty by tearing you down to make himself feel okay.
Have pity on the creature. It is hard for ugly souls to roam the earth. They act out bc they are small minded, deformed and have deminished capacity.
Thank goodness his human cloaking spell began to wear off. You got lucky there.
IMHO (and having first hand experience with this as well) I believe we are supposed to learn from this type of encounter and let it help drive us towards the bigger prize and our goals❤️

Now!! That being said. Girl you are killing me. Be confident. strut your stuff! Be the queen you are. Your lack of self esteem and self love may be like a continual siren for ars clown. You attract what you feel you deserve (deep down)

Run.
Do not walk away....SPRINT from this loser.
If the whole package doesn't attract him, you will drive yourself crazy trying to become what Mr. Perfect thinks he needs.

He is a dude who will damage you.

Run.