My mother body shames me
Needtolosefive
Posts: 17 Member
So I started out at 156 pounds at 5'1 two years ago, dropped 50 in 8/9 months, and maintained around 102-105 for a year. In the process, I lost my best friend who wasn't supportive with my weight loss, and dated men who crapped on my heart.
8 months ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar and went to the hospital because I had a severe mixed episode triggered from the heartbreak. Before that, I stopped eating and dropped to 97.
So I started eating properly again and left the hospital weighing in at 109, but the weight gain was due to the medication. I went up to 116 before my medication switched to something weight neutral. I've lost about six pounds now (I'm 110) and have five more to go, but I feel like I have a bigger mountain to climb then ever. I just hate that I have to eat at a deficit but I'm doing my best. My mother tells me that I'm bony, that men like girls meat on their bones, etc. My younger sister is one-inch taller and weighs 102 and no one says she's too thin. I'm tired of her telling me I need to regain the five pounds I lost to "look good." Before at 156, she said that if I continue gaining weight like this, I'll never find love. Now I'm too thin?!?? Ugh.
I'm sorry for complaining. Has anyone experienced anything similar?
8 months ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar and went to the hospital because I had a severe mixed episode triggered from the heartbreak. Before that, I stopped eating and dropped to 97.
So I started eating properly again and left the hospital weighing in at 109, but the weight gain was due to the medication. I went up to 116 before my medication switched to something weight neutral. I've lost about six pounds now (I'm 110) and have five more to go, but I feel like I have a bigger mountain to climb then ever. I just hate that I have to eat at a deficit but I'm doing my best. My mother tells me that I'm bony, that men like girls meat on their bones, etc. My younger sister is one-inch taller and weighs 102 and no one says she's too thin. I'm tired of her telling me I need to regain the five pounds I lost to "look good." Before at 156, she said that if I continue gaining weight like this, I'll never find love. Now I'm too thin?!?? Ugh.
I'm sorry for complaining. Has anyone experienced anything similar?
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Replies
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I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!11
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FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!
I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.4 -
Don't discuss your weight with her. If she wants to discuss it just nod, smile and carry on with what you're doing.3
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Hey needtolosefive, I can't say that I have experienced what you're going through but I can say that the quickest way to a resolution on this is communication. I'm hoping that the background of this is that your mum and you get on well but she can just be insensitive when it comes to your weight? Try telling her how all of this is making you feel. Also, take on board that you think you're right and she thinks she's right and the truth is probably somewhere in between. Is there any truth in what she's saying?1
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Needtolosefive wrote: »FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!
I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.
You can remove her. If you do not want to, however, you need to limit contact. The minute she starts in on your body, leave or hang up. You teach people what behaviors you'll accept and tolerating her body shaming is a sign to her that you accept it.
I know it's hard to do but you need to prioritize yourself.13 -
Firstly,
You're very strong for getting past and dealing with the many things you spoke on above. Let's start there!
Secondly, some parents speak very frankly to their children. My mother would cringe at the thought of saying anything like that, but my mother in law, oh my, she thinks it, she speaks it lol. I would never define her as toxic, I think some of it is cultural (they are European) and I know that she would comment on anyone she loved in that way. She has remarked that my hubs had gotten 'fat' and then asked me what I was feeding him! It was very shocking the first time but honestly, when I started to gain weight, none of my family brought it up, thankfully she did and I realized that what I was doing privately (nom nom nom
) was apparent publicly.
You know that it isn't coming from a place of spite, or cruelty, she loves you and wants whats best for you, correct?
The way i see it, you have two choices, chat with her about it and explain how it affects you, or as the poster above me stated, when she brings it up, nod, smile and carry on.
I wish you the best of luck either way and keep up the great job of perfecting yourself.3 -
claire_concept wrote: »Hey needtolosefive, I can't say that I have experienced what you're going through but I can say that the quickest way to a resolution on this is communication. I'm hoping that the background of this is that your mum and you get on well but she can just be insensitive when it comes to your weight? Try telling her how all of this is making you feel. Also, take on board that you think you're right and she thinks she's right and the truth is probably somewhere in between. Is there any truth in what she's saying?claire_concept wrote: »Hey needtolosefive, I can't say that I have experienced what you're going through but I can say that the quickest way to a resolution on this is communication. I'm hoping that the background of this is that your mum and you get on well but she can just be insensitive when it comes to your weight? Try telling her how all of this is making you feel. Also, take on board that you think you're right and she thinks she's right and the truth is probably somewhere in between. Is there any truth in what she's saying?
Well she's right that my face looks better at five pounds heavier. But I'm short, and the weight goes to my upper body, especially my stomach. I'd rather have a more attractive body than a prettier face, tbh.0 -
Needtolosefive wrote: »So I started out at 156 pounds at 5'1 two years ago, dropped 50 in 8/9 months, and maintained around 102-105 for a year. In the process, I lost my best friend who wasn't supportive with my weight loss, and dated men who crapped on my heart.
8 months ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar and went to the hospital because I had a severe mixed episode triggered from the heartbreak. Before that, I stopped eating and dropped to 97.
So I started eating properly again and left the hospital weighing in at 109, but the weight gain was due to the medication. I went up to 116 before my medication switched to something weight neutral. I've lost about six pounds now (I'm 110) and have five more to go, but I feel like I have a bigger mountain to climb then ever. I just hate that I have to eat at a deficit but I'm doing my best. My mother tells me that I'm bony, that men like girls meat on their bones, etc. My younger sister is one-inch taller and weighs 102 and no one says she's too thin. I'm tired of her telling me I need to regain the five pounds I lost to "look good." Before at 156, she said that if I continue gaining weight like this, I'll never find love. Now I'm too thin?!?? Ugh.
I'm sorry for complaining. Has anyone experienced anything similar?
My mom has always been obsessive about weight. Hers, mine, my sisters; anyone she comes in contact with, you can bet Darlswife's mom is silently judging them and deciding whether or not they should lose weight.
When I was heavy (also from bipolar meds and a relationship breakup) i got the comments about being fat. She would tell me that maybe I want getting second dates because of my weight. She would then try to "figure out" how much I was losing as I got healthy.
I got to goal weight during a divorce and she was just proud as a peacock that I was finally thin enough. No worries that I was manic.
I gained 60 pounds since then, and do not discuss my weight or way of eating with her unless absolutely necessary. She is old school starvation diet, I am new age, originally lost 75 lbs on weight watchers and became a leader, but am now eating LCHF for health reasons. I've set very strong boundaries with her, so the conversations do not turn to food or weight. I pick the restaurant if we go out. I also found other people who are supportive so I don't need her to be. My mom is 74. She isn't changing, so I had to.6 -
My mother is very critical of everybody but shes European like me so figures right? Lol x1
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Speaking as a mom, us moms are obsessed with weight. Maybe she was trying to be helpful, realizing that you were under a lot of stress and changes, and wanted you to not worry about your weight right now?
Take care of yourself either way, whether you lose the weight now, or later.0 -
When I was a young child, my father would pinch my thighs and tell me I was getting chubby. He would make small remarks about how I was putting on weight or needed to lose weight. I was a TOTALLY NORMAL weight. Even at 125 lbs and STUNNING as a teenager, I would get those comments, and I HATED my body. I thought I was gigantic. Now I'm 280 lbs and he doesn't say a word. My entire life I've hated my body because of those comments.0
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Needtolosefive wrote: »FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!
I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.
You can remove her. If you do not want to, however, you need to limit contact. The minute she starts in on your body, leave or hang up. You teach people what behaviors you'll accept and tolerating her body shaming is a sign to her that you accept it.
I know it's hard to do but you need to prioritize yourself.
This EXACTLY!1 -
Needtolosefive wrote: »FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!
I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.
Of course you want a relationship with your mother, but unfortunately it doesn't mean you can have one. Not one that's healthy anyway.3 -
It's easier for her to tell someone she loves what they should do then do it herself. I have a friend with a mother that does that and that's what I think is happening.0
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Both my parents have given me a hard time about my weight. A few years ago we stopped talking about it after I got really upset in front of them. I put on weight and lost some and it wasn't mentioned. Maybe you can agree it's a no go topic?0
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i've had similar situations. I tell them that i want a relationship with them but certain things are out of bounds. if they talk about it, i walk away0
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My grandmother, who was morbidly obese, did this sort of thing to me from the age of 8 on. I don't know how a skinny 8 year old can have a butt that is too big, but she always told it was, and talked about how thin my cousin was. But she was worse to my sister, and proclaimed her "not cute." This behavior was always explained as "your grandmother is bitter," and that's most likely true for your mother too. It's her problem, not yours.0
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Needtolosefive wrote: »FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!
I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.
You can remove her. If you do not want to, however, you need to limit contact. The minute she starts in on your body, leave or hang up. You teach people what behaviors you'll accept and tolerating her body shaming is a sign to her that you accept it.
I know it's hard to do but you need to prioritize yourself.
This. I used to have these issues with my mother all of the time too, I knew it really came from a place of love, but it really hurt my feelings and stressed me out. I decided one day not to tolerate it any longer, so every time we spoke on the phone and she would begin picking at me I would respond with "Mom, I love you so much and really was looking forward to talking to you, but this conversation is stressing me out/upsetting me, so we either need to change the topic or I will end the conversation now." I'm not going to pretend it went over well the first few times, but eventually she understood some topics were off limits and our talks became very pleasant. I actually have lunch with her just about every day now and our relationship is incredibly strong now.
Best of luck!4 -
She isn't changing, so I had to.
This is something that everyone should learn. You can't force a change in other people. You can only change yourself and how you react to those around you. I struggle with this daily. This isn't to say that you shouldn't try to help people change for the better, but you can't worry about other people and how they are. The only person you should be worried about it you and how you can react to negativity. I might suggest having a close friend you can rely on or maybe seeing a professional therapist to help you learn positive coping skills when negative information and thoughts come into your mind.
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OP, what is your sister's frame size compared to yours? Even though she's an inch taller, if you have a larger skeleton, it means more skeletal muscle to support it, which means that you would weigh more than her at the same percentage of body fat. Even though you're short, 110 really doesn't sound overweight, nor does it sound bony. You and your mother may both be obsessing more than you need to over numbers on a scale. Calculate your calories to maintain the weight you want to be, eat that, and don't bother so much with weighing. Even at your low body mass, 5 pounds isn't really that noticeable, so it doesn't matter if you have a tiny deficit and it takes a few months to drop 5 pounds.0
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OP, your mother is a jerk. I'd cut down contact with her, if you are certain she'd be resistant to changing her ways. You may want a relationship with her, but it is not worth it if she keeps hurting your feelings with each interaction.
I no longer speak to cousins who were cruel to me about my weight when I was growing up. Do I miss them? Yes. Will they change? Nope. You have to protect you.1 -
Needtolosefive wrote: »FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!
I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.
You can remove her. If you do not want to, however, you need to limit contact. The minute she starts in on your body, leave or hang up. You teach people what behaviors you'll accept and tolerating her body shaming is a sign to her that you accept it.
I know it's hard to do but you need to prioritize yourself.
This.
I removed my dad from my life as he was an alcoholic and extremely toxic to my self-esteem. I never regretted it. When he passed, I was actually happy for him, because this life was obviously a painful experience for him. I like to think he's in a better place.
You must do what's right for you. I agree completely that we teach people how to treat us. You either accept the behavior or you don't. Stand up for yourself if you want to keep the relationship going. Being your biological parent doesn't give anyone the right to make you feel bad.4 -
Needtolosefive wrote: »FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!
I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.
You can remove her. If you do not want to, however, you need to limit contact. The minute she starts in on your body, leave or hang up. You teach people what behaviors you'll accept and tolerating her body shaming is a sign to her that you accept it.
I know it's hard to do but you need to prioritize yourself.
Yes this^ Tell you that you don't want to talk about your body or your weight and you will leave if she starts. And then follow through. Either hang up or just walk out. Don't come back if she says "I'll stop talking about it now" Nope that day's visit/conversation is over. Just because she is your mom doesn't mean she has the right to make you feel bad.3 -
MarkusDarwath wrote: »OP, what is your sister's frame size compared to yours? Even though she's an inch taller, if you have a larger skeleton, it means more skeletal muscle to support it, which means that you would weigh more than her at the same percentage of body fat. Even though you're short, 110 really doesn't sound overweight, nor does it sound bony. You and your mother may both be obsessing more than you need to over numbers on a scale. Calculate your calories to maintain the weight you want to be, eat that, and don't bother so much with weighing. Even at your low body mass, 5 pounds isn't really that noticeable, so it doesn't matter if you have a tiny deficit and it takes a few months to drop 5 pounds.
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate it.
We both have small frames, but she's pear-shaped, and I'm an inverted triangle so I think I look bigger than she does. I have a thinner face, whereas my sister's is round. 110 isn't bony to me either, and fit into some 0s because of my smaller hips, but size 2 fits better overall. My sister and I got our body fat percentages measured at the gym. I'm at 14% while she's at 13%. Neither of us are very toned though.0 -
You've already dealt with and over come a lot so don't lose sight of your success and your strength!
Also, you are young and growing out of family dynamics is hard but just as much as you need to set boundaries with your mom, you need to stop comparing yourself to your sister, or anyone else for that matter.
I'm 5'1" so I get how big of a different 5 or 10 lbs makes, but if you read the "Maintenance" board and the "Success Stories" board you'll see that most long-term maintainers have a weight range they are comfortable with. Don't get laser-focused on those exact 10 lbs. Start a weight training program if possible and you can really re-shape your body if you are consistent. It's definitely worth it not only for aesthetics but for your health.0 -
Needtolosefive wrote: »My sister and I got our body fat percentages measured at the gym. I'm at 14% while she's at 13%. Neither of us are very toned though.
You do realize that for women those percentages are like body-builder low, right? You are definitely not by any stretch overweight. Relax and enjoy what you've got <hmmm, no thumbs-up smiley. Pretend it's here>
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I can't believe people are suggesting you should remove your mother from your life because she makes remarks on your weight and looks. Wow, such drama. Thankfully, others suggest that you have a conversation with her.
Please follow these last advices.
I have a mom who did basically the same thing than yours, by the way. And yes it goes from hurtful to annoying and vice versa. But frankly she was no Cruella, overall a loving mother, and I was woman enough to realize that she, too, had her own body image / weight issues to deal with. This explained that.
Also, consider that maybe, just maybe, there could be a little tiny bit of truth and wisdom in what she says ... even if it's bluntly put, to say the least.
Anyway. If you can't just ignore her comments, talk to her. Good luck, and take care.1 -
I don't know you, or your Mother, or how toxic the relationship is...I know that my Mother measures everyone based on weight. It has completely ruined any relationship between us. I talk to her periodically, about superficial things. She is family. That is it.
My daughter has a weight problem, and I refuse to really talk with her about it. She is defensive. It is unproductive to our relationship. As her Mother I want to help her, but I feel like she is an adult and does not need me to tell her she has gained weight. Her father does that often enough, and has created a toxic environment regarding this issue. She does not need it from me as well.
Your Mother maybe narcissistic and see you as an extension of herself, which is why she is always on you.
I accept my daughter for who she is, not who I want her to be.
Have enough self esteem to just filter what your Mother says, and ignore it. You are an adult, and you know your own problems. If you need mental health treatment, seek it.0 -
mousecat88 wrote: »When I was a young child, my father would pinch my thighs and tell me I was getting chubby. He would make small remarks about how I was putting on weight or needed to lose weight. I was a TOTALLY NORMAL weight. Even at 125 lbs and STUNNING as a teenager, I would get those comments, and I HATED my body. I thought I was gigantic. Now I'm 280 lbs and he doesn't say a word. My entire life I've hated my body because of those comments.
I can relate to this exact thing. My parents put my on all sorts of diets and this led me to rebel and develop secret eating.0
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