My mother body shames me

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Needtolosefive
Needtolosefive Posts: 17 Member
in Motivation and Support
So I started out at 156 pounds at 5'1 two years ago, dropped 50 in 8/9 months, and maintained around 102-105 for a year. In the process, I lost my best friend who wasn't supportive with my weight loss, and dated men who crapped on my heart.

8 months ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar and went to the hospital because I had a severe mixed episode triggered from the heartbreak. Before that, I stopped eating and dropped to 97.

So I started eating properly again and left the hospital weighing in at 109, but the weight gain was due to the medication. I went up to 116 before my medication switched to something weight neutral. I've lost about six pounds now (I'm 110) and have five more to go, but I feel like I have a bigger mountain to climb then ever. I just hate that I have to eat at a deficit but I'm doing my best. My mother tells me that I'm bony, that men like girls meat on their bones, etc. My younger sister is one-inch taller and weighs 102 and no one says she's too thin. I'm tired of her telling me I need to regain the five pounds I lost to "look good." Before at 156, she said that if I continue gaining weight like this, I'll never find love. Now I'm too thin?!?? Ugh.

I'm sorry for complaining. Has anyone experienced anything similar?
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Replies

  • Needtolosefive
    Needtolosefive Posts: 17 Member
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    FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »
    I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!

    I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.
  • CurlyCockney
    CurlyCockney Posts: 1,394 Member
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    Don't discuss your weight with her. If she wants to discuss it just nod, smile and carry on with what you're doing.
  • claire_concept
    claire_concept Posts: 1 Member
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    Hey needtolosefive, I can't say that I have experienced what you're going through but I can say that the quickest way to a resolution on this is communication. I'm hoping that the background of this is that your mum and you get on well but she can just be insensitive when it comes to your weight? Try telling her how all of this is making you feel. Also, take on board that you think you're right and she thinks she's right and the truth is probably somewhere in between. Is there any truth in what she's saying?
  • drawaimfire
    drawaimfire Posts: 83 Member
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    Firstly,

    You're very strong for getting past and dealing with the many things you spoke on above. Let's start there!

    Secondly, some parents speak very frankly to their children. My mother would cringe at the thought of saying anything like that, but my mother in law, oh my, she thinks it, she speaks it lol. I would never define her as toxic, I think some of it is cultural (they are European) and I know that she would comment on anyone she loved in that way. She has remarked that my hubs had gotten 'fat' and then asked me what I was feeding him! It was very shocking the first time but honestly, when I started to gain weight, none of my family brought it up, thankfully she did and I realized that what I was doing privately (nom nom nom :neutral: ) was apparent publicly.

    You know that it isn't coming from a place of spite, or cruelty, she loves you and wants whats best for you, correct?

    The way i see it, you have two choices, chat with her about it and explain how it affects you, or as the poster above me stated, when she brings it up, nod, smile and carry on.

    I wish you the best of luck either way and keep up the great job of perfecting yourself.
  • Needtolosefive
    Needtolosefive Posts: 17 Member
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    claire_concept wrote: »
    Hey needtolosefive, I can't say that I have experienced what you're going through but I can say that the quickest way to a resolution on this is communication. I'm hoping that the background of this is that your mum and you get on well but she can just be insensitive when it comes to your weight? Try telling her how all of this is making you feel. Also, take on board that you think you're right and she thinks she's right and the truth is probably somewhere in between. Is there any truth in what she's saying?
    claire_concept wrote: »
    Hey needtolosefive, I can't say that I have experienced what you're going through but I can say that the quickest way to a resolution on this is communication. I'm hoping that the background of this is that your mum and you get on well but she can just be insensitive when it comes to your weight? Try telling her how all of this is making you feel. Also, take on board that you think you're right and she thinks she's right and the truth is probably somewhere in between. Is there any truth in what she's saying?

    Well she's right that my face looks better at five pounds heavier. But I'm short, and the weight goes to my upper body, especially my stomach. I'd rather have a more attractive body than a prettier face, tbh.
  • BewitchedBelinda99
    BewitchedBelinda99 Posts: 253 Member
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    My mother is very critical of everybody but shes European like me so figures right? Lol x
  • ponycyndi
    ponycyndi Posts: 858 Member
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    Speaking as a mom, us moms are obsessed with weight. Maybe she was trying to be helpful, realizing that you were under a lot of stress and changes, and wanted you to not worry about your weight right now?

    Take care of yourself either way, whether you lose the weight now, or later.
  • mousecat88
    mousecat88 Posts: 18 Member
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    When I was a young child, my father would pinch my thighs and tell me I was getting chubby. He would make small remarks about how I was putting on weight or needed to lose weight. I was a TOTALLY NORMAL weight. Even at 125 lbs and STUNNING as a teenager, I would get those comments, and I HATED my body. I thought I was gigantic. Now I'm 280 lbs and he doesn't say a word. My entire life I've hated my body because of those comments.
  • Queenmunchy
    Queenmunchy Posts: 3,380 Member
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    jemhh wrote: »
    Needtolosefive wrote: »
    FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »
    I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!

    I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.

    You can remove her. If you do not want to, however, you need to limit contact. The minute she starts in on your body, leave or hang up. You teach people what behaviors you'll accept and tolerating her body shaming is a sign to her that you accept it.

    I know it's hard to do but you need to prioritize yourself.

    This EXACTLY!
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    Needtolosefive wrote: »
    FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »
    I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!

    I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.

    Of course you want a relationship with your mother, but unfortunately it doesn't mean you can have one. Not one that's healthy anyway.
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
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    It's easier for her to tell someone she loves what they should do then do it herself. I have a friend with a mother that does that and that's what I think is happening.
  • berolcolour
    berolcolour Posts: 140 Member
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    Both my parents have given me a hard time about my weight. A few years ago we stopped talking about it after I got really upset in front of them. I put on weight and lost some and it wasn't mentioned. Maybe you can agree it's a no go topic?
  • mbaker566
    mbaker566 Posts: 11,233 Member
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    i've had similar situations. I tell them that i want a relationship with them but certain things are out of bounds. if they talk about it, i walk away
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
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    My grandmother, who was morbidly obese, did this sort of thing to me from the age of 8 on. I don't know how a skinny 8 year old can have a butt that is too big, but she always told it was, and talked about how thin my cousin was. But she was worse to my sister, and proclaimed her "not cute." This behavior was always explained as "your grandmother is bitter," and that's most likely true for your mother too. It's her problem, not yours.
  • saragd012
    saragd012 Posts: 693 Member
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    jemhh wrote: »
    Needtolosefive wrote: »
    FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »
    I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!

    I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.

    You can remove her. If you do not want to, however, you need to limit contact. The minute she starts in on your body, leave or hang up. You teach people what behaviors you'll accept and tolerating her body shaming is a sign to her that you accept it.

    I know it's hard to do but you need to prioritize yourself.

    This. I used to have these issues with my mother all of the time too, I knew it really came from a place of love, but it really hurt my feelings and stressed me out. I decided one day not to tolerate it any longer, so every time we spoke on the phone and she would begin picking at me I would respond with "Mom, I love you so much and really was looking forward to talking to you, but this conversation is stressing me out/upsetting me, so we either need to change the topic or I will end the conversation now." I'm not going to pretend it went over well the first few times, but eventually she understood some topics were off limits and our talks became very pleasant. I actually have lunch with her just about every day now and our relationship is incredibly strong now.

    Best of luck!
  • jprewitt1
    jprewitt1 Posts: 264 Member
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    darlswife wrote: »
    She isn't changing, so I had to.

    This is something that everyone should learn. You can't force a change in other people. You can only change yourself and how you react to those around you. I struggle with this daily. This isn't to say that you shouldn't try to help people change for the better, but you can't worry about other people and how they are. The only person you should be worried about it you and how you can react to negativity. I might suggest having a close friend you can rely on or maybe seeing a professional therapist to help you learn positive coping skills when negative information and thoughts come into your mind.

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