My mother body shames me

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  • MarkusDarwath
    MarkusDarwath Posts: 393 Member
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    OP, what is your sister's frame size compared to yours? Even though she's an inch taller, if you have a larger skeleton, it means more skeletal muscle to support it, which means that you would weigh more than her at the same percentage of body fat. Even though you're short, 110 really doesn't sound overweight, nor does it sound bony. You and your mother may both be obsessing more than you need to over numbers on a scale. Calculate your calories to maintain the weight you want to be, eat that, and don't bother so much with weighing. Even at your low body mass, 5 pounds isn't really that noticeable, so it doesn't matter if you have a tiny deficit and it takes a few months to drop 5 pounds.
  • mzfrizz15
    mzfrizz15 Posts: 135 Member
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    OP, your mother is a jerk. I'd cut down contact with her, if you are certain she'd be resistant to changing her ways. You may want a relationship with her, but it is not worth it if she keeps hurting your feelings with each interaction.

    I no longer speak to cousins who were cruel to me about my weight when I was growing up. Do I miss them? Yes. Will they change? Nope. You have to protect you.
  • RoseTheWarrior
    RoseTheWarrior Posts: 2,035 Member
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    jemhh wrote: »
    Needtolosefive wrote: »
    FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »
    I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!

    I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.

    You can remove her. If you do not want to, however, you need to limit contact. The minute she starts in on your body, leave or hang up. You teach people what behaviors you'll accept and tolerating her body shaming is a sign to her that you accept it.

    I know it's hard to do but you need to prioritize yourself.

    This.

    I removed my dad from my life as he was an alcoholic and extremely toxic to my self-esteem. I never regretted it. When he passed, I was actually happy for him, because this life was obviously a painful experience for him. I like to think he's in a better place.

    You must do what's right for you. I agree completely that we teach people how to treat us. You either accept the behavior or you don't. Stand up for yourself if you want to keep the relationship going. Being your biological parent doesn't give anyone the right to make you feel bad.
  • RachelElser
    RachelElser Posts: 427 Member
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    jemhh wrote: »
    Needtolosefive wrote: »
    FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »
    I remove toxic people, from my life permanently!

    I do too. But I can't remove my mother from my life. Despite her criticism, I still love her and want a relationship with her.

    You can remove her. If you do not want to, however, you need to limit contact. The minute she starts in on your body, leave or hang up. You teach people what behaviors you'll accept and tolerating her body shaming is a sign to her that you accept it.

    I know it's hard to do but you need to prioritize yourself.

    Yes this^ Tell you that you don't want to talk about your body or your weight and you will leave if she starts. And then follow through. Either hang up or just walk out. Don't come back if she says "I'll stop talking about it now" Nope that day's visit/conversation is over. Just because she is your mom doesn't mean she has the right to make you feel bad.
  • Needtolosefive
    Needtolosefive Posts: 17 Member
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    MarkusDarwath wrote: »
    OP, what is your sister's frame size compared to yours? Even though she's an inch taller, if you have a larger skeleton, it means more skeletal muscle to support it, which means that you would weigh more than her at the same percentage of body fat. Even though you're short, 110 really doesn't sound overweight, nor does it sound bony. You and your mother may both be obsessing more than you need to over numbers on a scale. Calculate your calories to maintain the weight you want to be, eat that, and don't bother so much with weighing. Even at your low body mass, 5 pounds isn't really that noticeable, so it doesn't matter if you have a tiny deficit and it takes a few months to drop 5 pounds.

    Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate it.

    We both have small frames, but she's pear-shaped, and I'm an inverted triangle so I think I look bigger than she does. I have a thinner face, whereas my sister's is round. 110 isn't bony to me either, and fit into some 0s because of my smaller hips, but size 2 fits better overall. My sister and I got our body fat percentages measured at the gym. I'm at 14% while she's at 13%. Neither of us are very toned though.
  • BZAH10
    BZAH10 Posts: 5,710 Member
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    You've already dealt with and over come a lot so don't lose sight of your success and your strength!

    Also, you are young and growing out of family dynamics is hard but just as much as you need to set boundaries with your mom, you need to stop comparing yourself to your sister, or anyone else for that matter.

    I'm 5'1" so I get how big of a different 5 or 10 lbs makes, but if you read the "Maintenance" board and the "Success Stories" board you'll see that most long-term maintainers have a weight range they are comfortable with. Don't get laser-focused on those exact 10 lbs. Start a weight training program if possible and you can really re-shape your body if you are consistent. It's definitely worth it not only for aesthetics but for your health.
  • MarkusDarwath
    MarkusDarwath Posts: 393 Member
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    Needtolosefive wrote: »
    My sister and I got our body fat percentages measured at the gym. I'm at 14% while she's at 13%. Neither of us are very toned though.

    You do realize that for women those percentages are like body-builder low, right? You are definitely not by any stretch overweight. Relax and enjoy what you've got <hmmm, no thumbs-up smiley. Pretend it's here>



  • Isabelle_1929
    Isabelle_1929 Posts: 233 Member
    edited July 2016
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    I can't believe people are suggesting you should remove your mother from your life because she makes remarks on your weight and looks. Wow, such drama. Thankfully, others suggest that you have a conversation with her.

    Please follow these last advices.

    I have a mom who did basically the same thing than yours, by the way. And yes it goes from hurtful to annoying and vice versa. But frankly she was no Cruella, overall a loving mother, and I was woman enough to realize that she, too, had her own body image / weight issues to deal with. This explained that.

    Also, consider that maybe, just maybe, there could be a little tiny bit of truth and wisdom in what she says ... even if it's bluntly put, to say the least.

    Anyway. If you can't just ignore her comments, talk to her. Good luck, and take care.
  • mickey2942
    mickey2942 Posts: 71 Member
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    I don't know you, or your Mother, or how toxic the relationship is...I know that my Mother measures everyone based on weight. It has completely ruined any relationship between us. I talk to her periodically, about superficial things. She is family. That is it.

    My daughter has a weight problem, and I refuse to really talk with her about it. She is defensive. It is unproductive to our relationship. As her Mother I want to help her, but I feel like she is an adult and does not need me to tell her she has gained weight. Her father does that often enough, and has created a toxic environment regarding this issue. She does not need it from me as well.

    Your Mother maybe narcissistic and see you as an extension of herself, which is why she is always on you.

    I accept my daughter for who she is, not who I want her to be.

    Have enough self esteem to just filter what your Mother says, and ignore it. You are an adult, and you know your own problems. If you need mental health treatment, seek it.
  • Treece68
    Treece68 Posts: 780 Member
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    mousecat88 wrote: »
    When I was a young child, my father would pinch my thighs and tell me I was getting chubby. He would make small remarks about how I was putting on weight or needed to lose weight. I was a TOTALLY NORMAL weight. Even at 125 lbs and STUNNING as a teenager, I would get those comments, and I HATED my body. I thought I was gigantic. Now I'm 280 lbs and he doesn't say a word. My entire life I've hated my body because of those comments.

    I can relate to this exact thing. My parents put my on all sorts of diets and this led me to rebel and develop secret eating.
  • mzfrizz15
    mzfrizz15 Posts: 135 Member
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    @Isabelle_1929
    There reason some of us are "dramatic" is because we were abused by people who either would not or could not behave in a socially acceptable manner. Only OP knows if her mother is a toxic person or not. Some cases a healthy self esteem is all that is needed to deal with someone. Other times, the person is so bad for one's mental wellbeing that ties need to be cut. :(
  • joans1976
    joans1976 Posts: 2,201 Member
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    OP, I totally get that you want a relationship with your mom, even if she is critical. My mother is my best friend and harshest critic. She is also very critical of herself. In the past 2 years, I have been setting boundaries with her, like another poster said where you start out with "I love you but when we talk about my weight, relationships, work (whatever is the sore subject)it stresses me out. Let's change the subject." And I did it about 100 times and now it sticks. And I had to be firm. It sucked but it makes things go so much more smoothly and I don't feel like we aren't "close." I had started avoiding her because she stressed me out and I missed her so even though it was hard and it took time, I set boundaries and she finally got it.

    I hope that helps and everyone's suggestions help. If she gets mad, stick to your guns. You've conquered a lot and are strong, so I'm sure you can set a boundary with your mom! Good luck!
  • thatdesertgirl777
    thatdesertgirl777 Posts: 269 Member
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    joans1976 wrote: »
    OP, I totally get that you want a relationship with your mom, even if she is critical. My mother is my best friend and harshest critic. She is also very critical of herself. In the past 2 years, I have been setting boundaries with her, like another poster said where you start out with "I love you but when we talk about my weight, relationships, work (whatever is the sore subject)it stresses me out. Let's change the subject." And I did it about 100 times and now it sticks. And I had to be firm. It sucked but it makes things go so much more smoothly and I don't feel like we aren't "close." I had started avoiding her because she stressed me out and I missed her so even though it was hard and it took time, I set boundaries and she finally got it.

    I hope that helps and everyone's suggestions help. If she gets mad, stick to your guns. You've conquered a lot and are strong, so I'm sure you can set a boundary with your mom! Good luck!


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  • vikinglander
    vikinglander Posts: 1,547 Member
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    OP: I didn't read through the entire thread, so I'm not sure what may have already been said, but my initial gut response to your post is draw some clear boundaries in your relationship with your Mom, and anyone else in your life. From personal experience, I have had to have some pretty blunt conversations with family, friends and co-workers about what is and what is not OK. For instance, people have a tendency to interrupt when I'm talking to someone else, just to walk up and start talking to that other person as if I wasn't there, when I'm in the middle of a sentence. About 5 years ago I decided I wasn't going to accept that anymore, and now I cut them off by saying, "Excuse me. I'm speaking here..." Unless it's my boss's boss's Boss, or the F(ing)POTUS, I won't accept that anymore. Amazing what the responses have been, mostly contrition.

    Draw a line in the sand; if Mom steps over it, walk away. Good luck...
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,521 Member
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    Lol, if you're an Asian girl, body shaming (not intentional though) is common in the Asian community. It's gotta be a cultural thing because when I was back in the Philippines, I heard a lot of it directed to one of my cousins who's overweight.

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  • st476
    st476 Posts: 357 Member
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    Why are people telling you to stop talking to your mom? Thats crazy. Your mom might be used to seeing you at a bigger weight so you losing weight and looking "bony" might just make her nervous. I know that whenever my grandma sees me she goes on a rant about how I'm too skinny and going to become anorexic like the girls she sees on TV. I know she's just concerned. I'm sure she doesn't mean it to hurt you. Just tell her that you're still a healthy weight and that you feel most comfortable being 105. Tell her you don't like being called bony, I'm sure she would understand :smile:

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