Ug. How do I avoid/lose "boyfriend weight"?
riah0803
Posts: 4 Member
Once my ex and I broke up, I lost 15 pounds. Now that I'm in a relationship again, I've pretty much gained it all back within a year. SO FRUSTRATING!
My boyfriend is naturally thin so eating healthy and working out isn't as important to him as it is for me, a very curvy, short, endomorph.
15 pounds lighter was the perfect, healthy, weight for me and I want to get back down to it in a way that's healthy and more importantly, sustainable (which my last method wasn't). I think a large culprit is being around him and his unhealthy eating and drinking habits.
Any tips for not letting myself be affected by his choices? While I'd love for us to be healthy together, I can't blame the guy for eating potato chips and a beer. If I could get away with it (all the time) and be thin....I would too!
My boyfriend is naturally thin so eating healthy and working out isn't as important to him as it is for me, a very curvy, short, endomorph.
15 pounds lighter was the perfect, healthy, weight for me and I want to get back down to it in a way that's healthy and more importantly, sustainable (which my last method wasn't). I think a large culprit is being around him and his unhealthy eating and drinking habits.
Any tips for not letting myself be affected by his choices? While I'd love for us to be healthy together, I can't blame the guy for eating potato chips and a beer. If I could get away with it (all the time) and be thin....I would too!
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Replies
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The same way you lose all weight. Add your details- height, current weight, age and activity level into MFP and go from there. You said you were short, I assuming your boyfriend is not short so therefore he can eat more and he may also be more active overall. He is not naturally thin, he eats less calories than he takes in even with the eating of potato chips and beer. I'm losing weight and I've eaten potato chips and beer, and I am 5'4. Be honest with your logging, add exercise if you want but don't overestimate it, and weigh your food because it is more accurate. If you want a beer or potato chips... have it and log it! Good luck.14
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Once my ex and I broke up, I lost 15-20 pounds. Now that I'm in a relationship again, I've pretty much gained it all back within a year. SO FRUSTRATING!
My boyfriend is naturally thin so eating healthy and working out isn't as important to him as it is for me, a very curvy, short, endomorph.
20 pounds lighter was the perfect, healthy, weight for me and I want to get back down to it in a way that's healthy and more importantly, sustainable (which my last method wasn't). I think a large culprit is being around him and his unhealthy eating and drinking habits.
Any tips for not letting myself be affected by his choices? While I'd love for us to be healthy together, I can't blame the guy for eating potato chips and a beer. If I could get away with it and be thin....I would too!
First you need to fix your misconceptions about weight.
There is no such thing as "naturally thin".
And the somatotypes like endmorphs biologically are complete bunk, they're good at describing how a person looks but that is literally it. Your "somatotype" doesn't stop you losing weight or staying a healthy weight or gaining muscle etc.
You gained weight because you ate more calories than your body burns (more than your TDEE, google TDEE calculator to find out yours). To lose weight figure out your TDEE and eat less than it and you will lose weight. It's incredibly simple. Alternatively you ca use MFPs calorie goals, exact same principle it just works out the calories for you.
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okay. He is not "naturally thin" he "burns more calories than I do on a daily basis although our physical activities are the same if not, mine is increased".
I guess the feedback I'm looking for isn't so much about the science behind losing weight - which I have a solid grasp on, although I'm sure there are many who understand it even more on this site - so much as psychological tips or advice.
I do log my weight, food, and excercise. Although it has only been about two weeks consistently so I'm the first to admit it's still early in the game!5 -
I use a smaller plate size than my boyfriend, which helps when he cooks and I ask him to add the extra cheese he likes *after* cooking instead of during so I can opt out. Also having lighter drinks available like vodka and soda and having fruit bowls very visible in our house to tempt me while he's chowing down on the doritos.15
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Awesome advice thank you! I've been starting to do that as well this time around and it's been sustainable so far.0
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I find myself in the same situation as you. Everyone metabolizes food differently and there's something about being in a relationship that lets us let our guard down and be like 'yea I can have some potatoe chips and a beer' but really we know what our diet and exercise should look like in order be that 15 pounds lighter, because we've been there before. I've found that it helps when I make my food decisions before I know what he's having or snacking on, that way I've put a little more thought into what I'm consuming other than ' oh that sounds good il just have that too'0
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torygilkerson wrote: »I find myself in the same situation as you. Everyone metabolizes food differently and there's something about being in a relationship that lets us let our guard down and be like 'yea I can have some potatoe chips and a beer' but really we know what our diet and exercise should look like in order be that 15 pounds lighter, because we've been there before. I've found that it helps when I make my food decisions before I know what he's having or snacking on, that way I've put a little more thought into what I'm consuming other than ' oh that sounds good il just have that too'
I disagree on what uou say about metabolusm. Weight loss is about eating less than you burn, and nobody is an exception. If the beau stays thin, it means his calories in/calories out sustain that. Nobody is naturally thin or fat.12 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
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I'm in the same situation - except with about twice as much to lose than you. My boyfriend has a very active job but a low appetite - he is also a fussy eater so tends to eat a lot of snack food. I've had to tell him to stop buying me that kind of food - yesterday he went to get chocolate croissants and it took all my willpower to say "no thank you"!
My tips:
Don't eat the same size portions as him.
Add extra veg to your plate, or even have different meals to each other.
Make sure you always have tasty healthy food in the house so you are not tempted to get takeaways.
Make sure he understands what you're doing so he can be considerate with his behaviour - if you can't watch him eating chips then tell him. I'm trying not to do this but we do have an understanding that he won't buy any of my favourite snacky foods as I just can't resist! Instead he'll get things I'm not fussed about.
Good luck! Boys are such a pain right!?
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The husband can eat over 3000 calories a day and maintain on that due to his job and I am at around about 1300 now as I'm trying to lose those last few pesky pounds to get to my goal weight.
All the way through I have got him snacks that I am not that bothered about. Or having his and hers snacks. For some reasons having his and hers snacks full stop helps me as I just won't eat his snack because it isn't mine. Also he has bigger portions for meals than me, maybe added cheese, etc. He makes his own lunch and doesn't eat breakfast very often.
Fortunately he is one of these unique people that just sees food as fuel so he only eats when he's really hungry and then sometimes he still doesn't bother. In that respect I'm quite lucky because in the 15 years we've been together I can't actually remember him going to the shops for sweets or cake or anything that was always me so in that respect there is no temptation.
Another big part of it is just willpower if you want it bad enough you will resist that bag of crisps (chips) and that beer.3 -
I put on about 10 kg when I was first married because hubby did the cooking and gave me the same sized portions as he ate.
Not any more.
Don't feel guilty for leaving food on the plate. He'll soon learn not to give you as much.1 -
This is why I'm eager to find a guy who actually walks his talk, works out, keeps portions reasonable, and understands that as a woman with congenital hypothyroidism, I have a slightly tougher road than many other women, instead of thinking that I'm "just not working hard enough." Seriously, there are days where I wish I could switch metabolisms with my guy friend so he can understand my road better.
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I had the same problem, only I gained 20 pounds when my husband and I started dating/got married, but managed to lose 45 pounds and kept it off. Just eat smaller, healthier portions and don't worry about what he eats. I used to eat as much as my husband and ate whatever, that's how I gained all that weight. Just do you c:1
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Mr. Garage is tall and instinctively active and one of those people who isn't interested in food if he isn't hungry (I know, right? Crazy) and so I'm in a similar situation to you. I habitually use a smaller plate. We don't have separate meals, I just have smaller portions, and if there's a separate carb element (eg curry and rice) I'll have a bit less of the carb and more of the other stuff and more veg. I also try to add less of the fixings such as cheese.
I also got good results keeping treat foods such as chocolate and crisps in a high cupboard above my eye level - out of sight, out of mind, and no inconvenience to a partner who is taller anyway. I don't actually need that trick any more, over time I've come to have more control over snacking so that it feels more clearly like a choice, meaning I find it easier not to eat things even when they're right in front of me. That's just down to practice, I think.
In the end, it's about unplugging from the idea that just because someone else is eating, it gives you "permission" to eat the same way - which i think is all down to changing your mindset to realise that you don't need "permission" to eat, you're an adult, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want it, but if your goal is to lose weight, you don't necessarily WANT to eat what the other person is eating, and that's ok. It's a mindset shift, and it takes time.12 -
I think many of us have partners, children who we live with who will always eat and drink differently than we do. People of different sizes burn different amount of calories so even if you do the same things you still need different calories.
Remind yourself that they have different calorie needs. Figure out what is best for you and let them do what is right for them.
Be realistic and have a sustainable diet. If you love chips or beer leave enough calories for them or increase your activity level. Maybe they aren't important enough to you to do that very often and you'll happily eat or drink lower calorie things while he does his thing.
The biggest help to me has been pre-logging my food for the whole day. It is easier to say no thanks that doesn't fit my plan for the day or to know that I have enough calories for cake without leaving me unsatisfied the rest of the day.
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Try to find activities that don't revolve around food (that one's tough for me, not gonna lie). Then just be strong... you don't have to eat when he does. Also, offer to cook for both of you... find lower calorie versions of foods you both like, and have a smaller portion (I love skinnytaste for recipes, but just googling works).0
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I had this with my ex, being tall and a man his maintenance calories were much higher than mine, plus he didn't eat much during the day. We'd end up eating the same size meals in the evening, I got bigger, he stayed slim. I think now I have a much better idea of how many calories I need and what that actually translates to in food volume I have a much better chance of not gaining boyfriend weight again, should I ever get another boyfriend!0
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My husband and I are the same height, but he is more active, weighs more, and being male has more LBM than I do, so I still can't eat as much as he does. The simple answer is to 'just say no' but I know it's not always easy to do. Focus on eating food that you find filling (if you are full and satisfied, you are less likely to make poor choices or be so tempted), consider eating less during the day so you can "bank" some calories for the evenings when you are together, and limit yourself to smaller portions of potato chips and beer (you can still have those foods and lose weight, you just have to watch the portions!). My husband also likes his chips and beer, but more often than not, I don't indulge, and when I do I just have a lot less than he does. It's one of life's inherent unfairnesses, but men and women of equal height and weight do have different bmr's, with women getting the short end of that stick. Since your boyfriend is taller than you, his BMR is higher still. It does no good to be upset by this - you have to do what you have to do!0
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OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me. 17 -
My hubs is 120 soaking wet and eats crazy amounts of food trying to gain, I am careful with what I eat and just this morning made it down to 140...... So I completely get the frustration!!
You make the choices here. You got this! Like someone above said, use a smaller plate than he does, leave off the extra cheese, choose lighter drinks. I had to realize that I just don't use the amount of calories hubby does so I cannot allow myself to mindlessly eat what the amount that he eats. It's all in the choices.2 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.0 -
My husband burns 1500 calories more than I do a day, and is not very health conscious. While he eats to live, food is something I look forward to. He always has high calories very tasty items for dinner because he can fit those in and have nutritious items. If I am sedentary, my tdee is ~1400 calories (5'2, 110lb) which doesn't leave much room for treats. I wait to eat when he eats, and usually have a bulky salad in addition to a main course. That way we're both eating together, and the salad takes me forever to eat so I feel like I am eating a lot. I don't really feel like I am missing out as I do have treats and decent meals, I just have the salad so I don't over eat. I also find that walking for an hour a day and strength training buy me more calories a day. I am actually trying to build more muscle as that will also help to increase the number of calories I can have. Essentially you need to move more and eat less, and make the bulk of your diet nutrient dense low calories items so you can have substantial amounts. Good luck!0
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OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.
Because I perceive a bit of defensiveness in your reply (and I accept 100% this could be my perception only.), I just want to say that everyone has to do what works for them. It does not matter to me what others do in this regard. I just think the conversation can go deeper, because there is a core issue to asking others to change their behavior to better suit or needs.
Don't get me wrong, I understand where you, and others who don't want family members to bring certain foods in the house, are coming from. I've been there, but I also believe that the elephant in the living room (no pun intended) is not that our partners bring certain foods in the house, but that we are not teaching ourselves how to simply eat those foods we love in moderation . After all, if we didn't love those foods, we would not ask that they be banished from our sight.
Certain foods don't cause weight gain but an overabundance of any foods, so why do we exhibit behavior that they do? I get that we might be able to eat moderate amounts of broccoli, chicken and not cake, cookies, or chips but, in my experience, the only way to not overindulge in those forbidden foods was to have them in the house so that I could learn how to walk away or eat them in moderation.
Weight management is not about asking others to change their behavior to suit us, it's about us changing our behavior around foods that give us trouble. Why? Because weight management is about creating a plan that we can live with for the rest of our lives.
Setting aside the fact we may choose ourselves not to bring certain foods home (or we ask honey to put them in another part of the house), or a short while so that we can get used to learning how to diet, I think the goal is to learn moderation.
By the way, I didn't eat certain foods for years that I loved because I felt (1) they were the cause of my weight gain and (2) I truly felt I could not control myself around them. The problem was I put on 35 pounds not eating those certain foods because I ate too much anyway, which was the core issue that I needed to work on, and will work on for the rest of my life.
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MorganMoreaux wrote: »My husband burns 1500 calories more than I do a day, and is not very health conscious. While he eats to live, food is something I look forward to. He always has high calories very tasty items for dinner because he can fit those in and have nutritious items. If I am sedentary, my tdee is ~1400 calories (5'2, 110lb) which doesn't leave much room for treats. I wait to eat when he eats, and usually have a bulky salad in addition to a main course. That way we're both eating together, and the salad takes me forever to eat so I feel like I am eating a lot. I don't really feel like I am missing out as I do have treats and decent meals, I just have the salad so I don't over eat. I also find that walking for an hour a day and strength training buy me more calories a day. I am actually trying to build more muscle as that will also help to increase the number of calories I can have. Essentially you need to move more and eat less, and make the bulk of your diet nutrient dense low calories items so you can have substantial amounts. Good luck!
Good advice.0 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.
Because I perceive a bit of defensiveness in your reply (and I accept 100% this could be my perception only.), I just want to say that everyone has to do what works for them. It does not matter to me what others do in this regard. I just think the conversation can go deeper, because there is a core issue to asking others to change their behavior to better suit or needs.
Don't get me wrong, I understand where you, and others who don't want family members to bring certain foods in the house, are coming from. I've been there, but I also believe that the elephant in the living room (no pun intended) is not that our partners bring certain foods in the house, but that we are not teaching ourselves how to simply eat those foods we love in moderation . After all, if we didn't love those foods, we would not ask that they be banished from our sight.
Certain foods don't cause weight gain but an overabundance of any foods, so why do we exhibit behavior that they do? I get that we might be able to eat moderate amounts of broccoli, chicken and not cake, cookies, or chips but, in my experience, the only way to not overindulge in those forbidden foods was to have them in the house so that I could learn how to walk away or eat them in moderation.
Weight management is not about asking others to change their behavior to suit us, it's about us changing our behavior around foods that give us trouble. Why? Because weight management is about creating a plan that we can live with for the rest of our lives.
Setting aside the fact we may choose ourselves not to bring certain foods home (or we ask honey to put them in another part of the house), or a short while so that we can get used to learning how to diet, I think the goal is to learn moderation.
By the way, I didn't eat certain foods for years that I loved because I felt (1) they were the cause of my weight gain and (2) I truly felt I could not control myself around them. The problem was I put on 35 pounds not eating those certain foods because I ate too much anyway, which was the core issue that I needed to work on, and will work on for the rest of my life.
This works for me. If it works for OP great. If it doesn't work for you, no worries.1 -
Another useful place you can reduce calories while eating the same meal is the drinks - nothing to stop you drinking water while he drinks something sugary. I'm one of those who uses sugary fizzy drinks as an occasional treat, since the amount of calories they use up annoys me too much to drink them on a daily basis.
With portion control, reducing the carbs, increasing the veg, reducing the fixings, and drinking water, you can fairly easily eat half the calories he does while still enjoying sharing the same meal.1 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.14 -
OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.
Because I perceive a bit of defensiveness in your reply (and I accept 100% this could be my perception only.), I just want to say that everyone has to do what works for them. It does not matter to me what others do in this regard. I just think the conversation can go deeper, because there is a core issue to asking others to change their behavior to better suit or needs.
Don't get me wrong, I understand where you, and others who don't want family members to bring certain foods in the house, are coming from. I've been there, but I also believe that the elephant in the living room (no pun intended) is not that our partners bring certain foods in the house, but that we are not teaching ourselves how to simply eat those foods we love in moderation . After all, if we didn't love those foods, we would not ask that they be banished from our sight.
Certain foods don't cause weight gain but an overabundance of any foods, so why do we exhibit behavior that they do? I get that we might be able to eat moderate amounts of broccoli, chicken and not cake, cookies, or chips but, in my experience, the only way to not overindulge in those forbidden foods was to have them in the house so that I could learn how to walk away or eat them in moderation.
Weight management is not about asking others to change their behavior to suit us, it's about us changing our behavior around foods that give us trouble. Why? Because weight management is about creating a plan that we can live with for the rest of our lives.
Setting aside the fact we may choose ourselves not to bring certain foods home (or we ask honey to put them in another part of the house), or a short while so that we can get used to learning how to diet, I think the goal is to learn moderation.
By the way, I didn't eat certain foods for years that I loved because I felt (1) they were the cause of my weight gain and (2) I truly felt I could not control myself around them. The problem was I put on 35 pounds not eating those certain foods because I ate too much anyway, which was the core issue that I needed to work on, and will work on for the rest of my life.
I agree with the short term approach. Every time I've quit smoking I never asked my husband to quit with me (we tried that once - his idea- and it nearly led to either murder/suicide or divorce, needless to say we both started smoking again within a couple days; won't even bother trying that again). But I did ask him to keep his cigarettes out of sight and not smoke in front of me for a while. After a few weeks when I felt I could deal with it, I let him know it was okay.
With food, yes initially I stopped buying the treats that I knew I would struggle with (I didn't stop buying ALL treats because there are some things my husband and kids like that I don't particularly care for, so I stuck with getting those 'meh' things for a while. Once I felt confident I started buying treats that I too loved, and found it much easier to say no to them. Abstaining for a while actually made many of those foods lose their appeal, which means now I can have them from time to time, in true moderation, and end it, and not feel like I'm struggling with temptation all the time. My advantage is that I'm the primary grocery getter and cook, so I have nearly total control over what gets purchased and what meals are served (my husband isn't picky, he's happy to be fed, lol) and so I don't think he even noticed. I don't believe the OP said she lives with her boyfriend, or if they do live together, who the primary shopper and/or meal planner is. If they don't live together it's very simple, as she just needs to exercise restraint when they are together and doesn't have to keep tempting items in her home at all, so she won't struggle with constant temptation. If they do live together, a conversation may be in order. It might be easier for her to get started by not being surrounded by constant temptation. But, yes, eventually she will need to learn how to be around tempting foods and either turn them down or work them into her goals.
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OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time.
Isn't it up to us to learn how to control what we put in our mouth in the face of anything? Isn't it up to us to learn portion control and to learn how to control what we put into our mouths?
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
I never got devil's advocate. Either you actually believe it, in which case you're using the phrase to imply you don't actually believe what you believe, or you don't, in which case you probably shouldn't be making the argument.
Anyway there are dozens of ways in which we make our journeys easier. This is an argument I've seen come up a few times on the forums, that everyone in the world should be perfect paragons of willpower and thus their family and friends should never have to offer support by not bringing certain foods around them. In reality, we are all creatures living within a social environment with our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, my willpower for food is iron, so I would never have to worry about someone bringing in food I'm craving and leaving it on the counter. However, my staying power is less strong and it's helpful to me to have feedback that my weight loss is noticeable. In an ideal world, everyone would be strong in every aspect of getting healthy and no one would ever need to help them because they understand all the concepts and can put them into application with no trouble. But we don't live in that world - we live in reality. And in reality people need social support systems in various ways to help them reach various goals.
And frankly I hope my family dynamic isn't based on "your problem isn't my problem". That seems a very non-familial way to set up a family; how many issues does that apply to? Are all my problems things I need to solve myself without any help from my SO because it's not his/her problem and it's up to me to fix it? Part of having someone for many people, myself included, is to have someone that I can rely on when things get tough and I need someone to be there to support me (and vice versa). I understand not every setup is like that, but this seems common enough that it doesn't seem to need much questioning.
Mentali,
When I play devil's advocate, this means I am bringing up the point of view that nobody else is addressing, which is core to the issue. I used to believe that I could not keep certain foods in the house, but that belief was killed when I learned that I truly can eat whatever I like and keep it within my calorie goals to lose weight.
I like your oversized gray questions marks, by the way.
I see your point of view, just as I see Deb's, but there is a bigger picture here. I used to put a lot of power in certain types of food, which I used to tell others not to bring into my home, and which I never brought into my home either. I was convinced that I could not stop myself from overeating those certain foods, which I had labeled as fattening
You're right, there are a multitude of ways to make our journeys easier, which is individual as to choice and the journey itself. The part I have a problem with is the notion of asking someone else, no matter who they are, to take care of us (us in the general sense) around our inability to self-moderate certain food.
Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here. What I struggle with is learning not to overindulge in foods in social situations, and this has been ongoing for quite some time. At the parties we attend, and we attend a lot because of the nature my partner's career and his very social family, there are sweets everywhere. I have a history of overindulging in the sweets to compensate for my weak social skills. It's gotten better but it's something I work on.
So, should I ask that no sweets be at the party because I gravitate toward them?
Or, perhaps I can ask my partner to pinch my arm every time he sees me moving toward the sweet table because it will remind me of my goal to not overindulge?
Absolutely not on both counts.
It is my responsibility to make some choices:- I can not go to the party because I know there will be sweets there
- I can go to the party and binge on those sweets
- I can go to the party and have one or two sweets
- I can go to the party and have no sweets at all
- I can pre-log an estimate of what will be there, including a sweet, go to the party and eat stick exactly to that.
My point is that the issue is not the food, but I sometimes use those particular types of foods to compensate in social situations. So, instead of asking my partner to help me with this, I need to take responsibility and be free to share where I am coming from (which I have done, and continue to do) without asking him to do anything to take care of me around food. To do otherwise, I am asking him to take responsibility for me.12 -
tlflag1620 wrote: »OP I know what you mean. My husband used to bring in tempting things and eat them in front of me. He is currently working to lose weight so I don't have to deal with that for now, thankfully. But when I am trying to keep off weight and he isn't I have the same problem as you. I tell him not to bring it into the house or if he must to please put it in the pantry in the basement. I don't want it at eye level in the cupboard or on the counter top. Your boyfriend may not understand your predicament unless you bring it up to him.
Deb, I am going to play Devil's advocate.
Why should our family member not bring foods into the house that they like? It's not their problem that we are afraid we will eat something that we feel might not be good for us at this time...
I used to tell my ex-husband and my current partner not to bring certain foods in the house because I was pretty sure I couldn't keep my hands off of said food. Now, flash forward many years-I have all the foods I love in the house and so does my partner, and I don't eat any of it unless I want to. I weigh out a portion, put bag away and enjoy.
The only way I was able to get to this point is to understand that I have power over food, it does not have power over me.
Good for you!
So you used to need to tell him and now you don't. Discussing the dilemma worked for us. I asked him if he wanted me to be uncomfortable and possibly gain weight if the food was readily available when I was hungry, and he said, "No." Why should he happily gain weight and get fat/obese while I work on getting thin? He looks much better now also because he is joining me. My husband is my height and much heavier than I am.
Because I perceive a bit of defensiveness in your reply (and I accept 100% this could be my perception only.), I just want to say that everyone has to do what works for them. It does not matter to me what others do in this regard. I just think the conversation can go deeper, because there is a core issue to asking others to change their behavior to better suit or needs.
Don't get me wrong, I understand where you, and others who don't want family members to bring certain foods in the house, are coming from. I've been there, but I also believe that the elephant in the living room (no pun intended) is not that our partners bring certain foods in the house, but that we are not teaching ourselves how to simply eat those foods we love in moderation . After all, if we didn't love those foods, we would not ask that they be banished from our sight.
Certain foods don't cause weight gain but an overabundance of any foods, so why do we exhibit behavior that they do? I get that we might be able to eat moderate amounts of broccoli, chicken and not cake, cookies, or chips but, in my experience, the only way to not overindulge in those forbidden foods was to have them in the house so that I could learn how to walk away or eat them in moderation.
Weight management is not about asking others to change their behavior to suit us, it's about us changing our behavior around foods that give us trouble. Why? Because weight management is about creating a plan that we can live with for the rest of our lives.
Setting aside the fact we may choose ourselves not to bring certain foods home (or we ask honey to put them in another part of the house), or a short while so that we can get used to learning how to diet, I think the goal is to learn moderation.
By the way, I didn't eat certain foods for years that I loved because I felt (1) they were the cause of my weight gain and (2) I truly felt I could not control myself around them. The problem was I put on 35 pounds not eating those certain foods because I ate too much anyway, which was the core issue that I needed to work on, and will work on for the rest of my life.
I agree with the short term approach. Every time I've quit smoking I never asked my husband to quit with me (we tried that once - his idea- and it nearly led to either murder/suicide or divorce, needless to say we both started smoking again within a couple days; won't even bother trying that again). But I did ask him to keep his cigarettes out of sight and not smoke in front of me for a while. After a few weeks when I felt I could deal with it, I let him know it was okay.
With food, yes initially I stopped buying the treats that I knew I would struggle with (I didn't stop buying ALL treats because there are some things my husband and kids like that I don't particularly care for, so I stuck with getting those 'meh' things for a while. Once I felt confident I started buying treats that I too loved, and found it much easier to say no to them. Abstaining for a while actually made many of those foods lose their appeal, which means now I can have them from time to time, in true moderation, and end it, and not feel like I'm struggling with temptation all the time. My advantage is that I'm the primary grocery getter and cook, so I have nearly total control over what gets purchased and what meals are served (my husband isn't picky, he's happy to be fed, lol) and so I don't think he even noticed. I don't believe the OP said she lives with her boyfriend, or if they do live together, who the primary shopper and/or meal planner is. If they don't live together it's very simple, as she just needs to exercise restraint when they are together and doesn't have to keep tempting items in her home at all, so she won't struggle with constant temptation. If they do live together, a conversation may be in order. It might be easier for her to get started by not being surrounded by constant temptation. But, yes, eventually she will need to learn how to be around tempting foods and either turn them down or work them into her goals.
Actually, I agree in removing trigger foods from your home on a temporary basis. It sounds like you took responsibility for your own weight loss journey.0
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