Criticised by a gym professional...
Replies
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Okay, I'm going to put my two or three cents in about this whole thing, and hopefully, some of you will have another perspective to think about:
1) Hurtful words hurt. Period. To those of us who are truly sensitive, it hurts worse because we can feel the hurtful intent, not just the words themselves. This does NOT mean we should totally desensitize ourselves to the energy around us because our emotional sensitivity is part of who we are. And if there's bad energy, there's bad energy. Who the h3LL wants to exercise with someone around making everyone feel like crap? It's an unhealthy environment, and the personal trainer who said what they did, whether out loud at the gym or to the M-I-L, was just plain wrongheaded, let alone unprofessional, for having even thought it, let alone said it.
2) The personal trainer clearly has a poisonous, hurtful mind, with no clear intention of remembering what it was like (if they ever were overweight), to be in the OP's position. Thus, I do think the OP needs to complain to the gym staff, because as someone else said, if the personal trainer said this hurtful thing about the OP, he's probably saying it around other people. Where there is smoke, there is usually fire, and the personal trainer needs to have his *kitten* canned for unprofessional behavior. If it was me, I'd fire him. There's no room for hurtful words at a place where people go to get fit, and if the OP and her friend do not have any other place to go to really get fit and be around other people with the same goals, one rotten apple tends to spoil things.
3) If the OP does not say something to either the gym staff or the M-I-L, she IS letting the personal trainer win. She'd be letting him know he can get away with that s***. This guy is a bully, and he needs to be taught a very, very hard lesson. The M-I-L is no better for having been the bearer of the "news." I know all too well what it's like to be told to just suck it up and not say anything, "to be strong" and not to "let things bother you," even when it bothers me a LOT that people have the gall to be so f'ing cruel. So I really dislike it when others say that to people who really need to speak up for themselves but don't because they got told to shut up, suck it up and just ignore it. It's said that if you ignore a bully, they'll go pick on someone else, not you. But I also don't want the bully bullying anyone else. So I think something needs to be said to the a$$hat.
Rant over.
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"It's funny to watch those 2 to watch them struggle"..
I feel like that's an incomplete statement.
Maybe it finished with something else but was not passed on...
"I was there once so I know how they feel" OR
"It's always hard at the beginning but if they persist they'll be fine."
Chinese whispers. The conveyor always translates according to their own personal bias/context/motivation.
I agree with others, it's not the trainer I'd be pissed at.6 -
Okay, I'm going to put my two or three cents in about this whole thing, and hopefully, some of you will have another perspective to think about:
1) Hurtful words hurt. Period. To those of us who are truly sensitive, it hurts worse because we can feel the hurtful intent, not just the words themselves. This does NOT mean we should totally desensitize ourselves to the energy around us because our emotional sensitivity is part of who we are. And if there's bad energy, there's bad energy. Who the h3LL wants to exercise with someone around making everyone feel like crap? It's an unhealthy environment, and the personal trainer who said what they did, whether out loud at the gym or to the M-I-L, was just plain wrongheaded, let alone unprofessional, for having even thought it, let alone said it.
2) The personal trainer clearly has a poisonous, hurtful mind, with no clear intention of remembering what it was like (if they ever were overweight), to be in the OP's position. Thus, I do think the OP needs to complain to the gym staff, because as someone else said, if the personal trainer said this hurtful thing about the OP, he's probably saying it around other people. Where there is smoke, there is usually fire, and the personal trainer needs to have his *kitten* canned for unprofessional behavior. If it was me, I'd fire him. There's no room for hurtful words at a place where people go to get fit, and if the OP and her friend do not have any other place to go to really get fit and be around other people with the same goals, one rotten apple tends to spoil things.
3) If the OP does not say something to either the gym staff or the M-I-L, she IS letting the personal trainer win. She'd be letting him know he can get away with that s***. This guy is a bully, and he needs to be taught a very, very hard lesson. The M-I-L is no better for having been the bearer of the "news." I know all too well what it's like to be told to just suck it up and not say anything, "to be strong" and not to "let things bother you," even when it bothers me a LOT that people have the gall to be so f'ing cruel. So I really dislike it when others say that to people who really need to speak up for themselves but don't because they got told to shut up, suck it up and just ignore it. It's said that if you ignore a bully, they'll go pick on someone else, not you. But I also don't want the bully bullying anyone else. So I think something needs to be said to the *kitten*hat.
Rant over.
What would OP say to gym staff exactly?
"My relative told me that Trainer, who has never acted or said anything inappropriate about me (or to my knowledge anyone else) at work, said negative things about me in the privacy of [op to fill out location]. I mean I'm not sure exactly what he said as i wasnt there, or if he said anything at all because it all came 2nd (3rd?) hand via my mother in law, but i want his gun and his badge by the end of the day!"11 -
What would OP say to gym staff exactly?
"My relative told me that Trainer, who has never acted or said anything inappropriate about me (or to my knowledge anyone else) at work, said negative things about me in the privacy of [op to fill out location]. I mean I'm not sure exactly what he said as i wasnt there, or if he said anything at all because it all came 2nd (3rd?) hand via my mother in law, but i want his gun and his badge by the end of the day!"
Yup.
Nobody needs 'justice' every time their feelings are hurt. AND Being hurt in doses can be very GOOD for folks.
Should I complain to the Gym staff the dumbbells make my arms hurt? C'mon grown-up, strong adults. Let's move past hurt feelings.2 -
"It's funny to watch those 2 to watch them struggle"..
I feel like that's an incomplete statement.
Maybe it finished with something else but was not passed on...
"I was there once so I know how they feel" OR
"It's always hard at the beginning but if they persist they'll be fine."
Chinese whispers. The conveyor always translates according to their own personal bias/context/motivation.
I agree with others, it's not the trainer I'd be pissed at.
This has been under emphasised on this thread and I agree wholeheartedly
I also think that you should turn this to your advantage like middlehaitch says ...go up to him and say "ooo MIL said you like to watch us struggle and would be happy to give us some pointers ..are you free now, can you show us how to use this?" tilt head to one side and smile winningly
Edited cos for some reason "c ock head to one side" is not allowed8 -
Who cares what some idiot thinks? No one needed to repeat those words to you, because they don't matter. You're the only person you need to please with your workouts.2
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Just don't care and do you own thing. You do it for you. If someone thinks it's funny let them think whatever they like, they probably suck anyway XD3
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Would not say anything to the gym management.
Would carefully consider MIL's motivation to share this comment. I don't know her, so maybe it was innocent. But "crabs in a bucket" is real. My MIL is definitely not happy when I am skinnier than her. She brings tons of chips and junk into the house when she visits and says thing like "be careful not to eat too little...you'll make yourself sick." She was thin when she was younger and smoked. Now she eats junk all day and is heavy. Not my problem.3 -
Argh! People stink. When I was 26 years old and going to a gym I hired a personal trainer. He killed my self esteem and it took me years to figure out he was full of bunk. I was 5'6" tall and 130 lbs and in pretty good shape he told me I had 30% body fat. Ummmm no, he just didn't know how to use calipers. But he was a professional, and I looked at myself differently after that. Everyone has an opinion. Some we should listen to more closely than others. Especially when what they are saying doesn't make a lot of sense.3
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kerrydensmore wrote: »goldthistime wrote: »I agree with sued0nim. I had something a little similar happen. Years ago I went with a girlfriend to our first aerobics class. We were awkward because we didn't know the moves and struggled to follow. My sisterinlaw's BFF was in the class and told her how we stood out and were obviously new. Apparently they had a little giggle over our awkwardness. No harm done except that my sisterinlaw relayed all of this to me. With relish. In my view it was my sisterinlaw who was the bigger villain in this story. How could it possibly help me to hear that I was discussed in this way? Btw, that was the beginning of about a 10 year "aerobics queen" period in my life. I hope this is the beginning of your "gym rat" phase
.
This is exactly what happened. It was family making fun. But maybe it happened to make me stronger.
Sounds like you have a great attitude about this now. Really happy to hear that.
As to the family part, I'm reminded of a thread we had on here a few years ago about jerk things family members said/did over the Christmas holidays. This is a common discussion topic amongst my friends all year long. Rude or hurtful behaviour, that never seems to happen among your friends, seems to happen all the time among family. Is it that we have less defined boundaries? An extended sibling rivalry?
@DetroitDarin made the interesting comment "AND Being hurt in doses can be very GOOD for folks". I can think of more examples where it's harmful, but it's giving me some food for thought.
The way that family members are so much more likely to tease you or mock you than your friends would seem like it could be some kind of evolutionarily positive social order thing. Or not.
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I've helped many an obese person get down to an acceptable weight because of the gym. To me this would be like saying "don't go to football games if you're a band geek or a nerd because you won't fit in."summamumma wrote: »Just my opinion, but I don't think overweight people should go to the gym, especially not those mega-gyms. Oh, the irony! The only time I have felt good there is when I was already in shape. I would never go there in my current state (60 pounds to lose). I don't workout outside for the same reason. People are mean and as hard as you try not to let it get to you, it still will be in the back of your mind. Getting in shape is hard and you need only positive voices around you, either at home or at a small gym with other overweight people.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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And if this is the case, he is an *kitten* for saying it. Not professional at all.SoDamnHungry wrote: »You were not criticized by a gym professional, but an asshat. Seriously no one but *kitten* are thinking things like that, and they can go screw themselves. Most people don't notice you, and nice people are cheering for you. I agree that you should consider reporting him. How unprofessional.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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You need to confront him, but in a diplomatic manner and in private. Gossip is an ugly thing and often times, NOT TRUE. Before assuming that what you heard "through the grapevine" is true, give him a chance to either defend himself or explain himself.
If it is true, then he has zero business working in this industry. However, you're going for YOU and no one else. So stick those ear buds in and pretend like you're working out at 2a and there's no one there.
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I find it very motivating to see someone older than I, or with more to loose. I think to myself...if they can do it, I can do it too; then I keep trying. Keep up the great work!2
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OP must have a better MIL than I do. Every negative thing she's ever told my husband about ne or his dad is her opinion that she doesn't want to own. She doesn't know that he goes and asks people if they really said what she said and always had. She's a known manipulator and liar.
Even if her MIL is reliable, she was still passing on hurtful gossip and needs to be asked nicely not to do that. if the not-quite-relative said it just that way, no one had to pass it on to OP.
OP - I am glad you are persisting. It will get easier. I promise. Don't let other people's negativity hold you back. I listened to coworkers tell me that I needed to eat more for a year. They didn't like looking at my self control when they didn't have any. I never did eat more of what they wanted me to eat.3 -
This. I've seen this many times over in just family settings. Many times not malicious, but just little stabs of negativity.MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »OP must have a better MIL than I do. Every negative thing she's ever told my husband about ne or his dad is her opinion that she doesn't want to own. She doesn't know that he goes and asks people if they really said what she said and always had. She's a known manipulator and liar.
Even if her MIL is reliable, she was still passing on hurtful gossip and needs to be asked nicely not to do that. if the not-quite-relative said it just that way, no one had to pass it on to OP.
OP - I am glad you are persisting. It will get easier. I promise. Don't let other people's negativity hold you back. I listened to coworkers tell me that I needed to eat more for a year. They didn't like looking at my self control when they didn't have any. I never did eat more of what they wanted me to eat.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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summamumma wrote: »Just my opinion, but I don't think overweight people should go to the gym, especially not those mega-gyms. Oh, the irony! The only time I have felt good there is when I was already in shape. I would never go there in my current state (60 pounds to lose). I don't workout outside for the same reason. People are mean and as hard as you try not to let it get to you, it still will be in the back of your mind. Getting in shape is hard and you need only positive voices around you, either at home or at a small gym with other overweight people.
I had 150lb+ to lose when I started going to the gym and I can't say that I noticed anyone doing anything other than their own thing for the most part. I had the occasional person tell me how well I was doing and that getting myself there in the first place was brilliant, but nothing else and I am very aware of how people react to me thanks to social anxiety. Now I've lost 90lb (and so only got 60lb to lose) I get more comments about how I'm an inspiration (really?) and how well I've done (to the point where I was roped in to talk to someone today in the same position I was in back in January, just starting out, to give him the confidence to come back).2 -
kerrydensmore wrote: »sohifirefly wrote: »kerrydensmore wrote: »summamumma wrote: »Just my opinion, but I don't think overweight people should go to the gym, especially not those mega-gyms. Oh, the irony! The only time I have felt good there is when I was already in shape. I would never go there in my current state (60 pounds to lose). I don't workout outside for the same reason. People are mean and as hard as you try not to let it get to you, it still will be in the back of your mind. Getting in shape is hard and you need only positive voices around you, either at home or at a small gym with other overweight people.
If I don't go to a gym I will not work out period. I'm to lazy at home. I can't get motivated at home
I'm in the same boat - I won't do it at home so I have to go to the gym. Plus the variety of classes makes it fun. I have no rhythm but I LOVE Zumba and Cardio Kickboxing. Who cares what people think when they see me offbeat and sweaty? GO and MOVE YOUR BODY!
OP, I'm sorry that happened to you. Chin up, buttercup! Take in all the love you are getting here and be invincible!
***singing: Shoot me down but I don't fall....I am titaniuuuummmm!***
Thank u for the encouragement!! I thot about doing Zumba but I have NO COORDINATION whatsoever. Lol
I hear you, believe me! I have two left feet.
Fortunately, you don't need to be "coordinated" to have a great time at Zumba. It's not about being a professional dancer; it's about getting out there, having some fun, and being active. If you're still thinking about it, give it a go!
As for the gym, I agree with other posters who are urging you not to give up. You have as much right as anybody else to work out at the gym. So go. And hold your head high! You've done absolutely *nothing* here to feel embarrassed about; in fact, I think that you should feel proud that you get out there and exercise, even when it's a struggle.
You inspire me.
Thanks for the encouragement.1 -
I personally would take the story with a grain of salt. Me personally, if I were the person who was "told" this comment, I wouldn't have shared it. There was no reason to share it. I would have told that person to go slip on a banana peel and stop being so judgmental. But why tell my friend or family member something that might slow or ruin their progress?
My advice is to keep doing what your doing. Keep going to the gym and keep working out. Don't worry about anyone else b/c no one else is paying your bills or living in your body. So middle fingers up!2 -
As the comment came 2nd hand I'd just let it go - too many 'he said'/'she said's for me to even be bothered with. Yes, I'd probably have been hurt if such a comment filtered back to me too but, you know what, he doesn't have to live your life so why on earth would you let his opinions dictate how you live it?
Life is too short and potentially too amazing to waste it worrying about what other people (who you barely know) think about you. Honestly, forget about it.
As for the 'struggling' thing well, who *doesn't* struggle when they try something new? If he enjoys watching you struggle, lets hope he enjoys seeing you succeed because that's exactly what you're going to do! Turn up, kick *kitten*, repeat!
If you're gonna listen to anyone, listen to Jake.
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Do you and this person live in the same town?
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10429647/fat-shamed-at-grocery-stores/p1
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As the comment came 2nd hand I'd just let it go - too many 'he said'/'she said's for me to even be bothered with. Yes, I'd probably have been hurt if such a comment filtered back to me too but, you know what, he doesn't have to live your life so why on earth would you let his opinions dictate how you live it?
Life is too short and potentially too amazing to waste it worrying about what other people (who you barely know) think about you. Honestly, forget about it.
As for the 'struggling' thing well, who *doesn't* struggle when they try something new? If he enjoys watching you struggle, lets hope he enjoys seeing you succeed because that's exactly what you're going to do! Turn up, kick *kitten*, repeat!
If you're gonna listen to anyone, listen to Jake.
Yup. I sucked at aerobics classes initially. I sucked at tennis initially. I'm currently sucking at golf, I really don't want another "most honest golfer" prize thanks. But I know that, for me at least, it has to begin this way.
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I'm in agreement with everyone who is questioning the brilliance of the person passing on the comment. Possibly he did say something to that effect but what possible good could it do you to have someone repeat it.
Years ago I had someone at work pass on a comment made by another co-worker. The one I immediately took to task was the one telling the tale and asked her never to do that again as all it does is create dissension. Every single one of us has made a snarky, uncharitable comment about someone else at some point or another. Most of us would be mortified to discover that the comment made it's way back to the person the comment was about. Sometimes we just say stupid things without giving it a thought.
Regardless, keep on with what your doing and, perhaps, ask your mother in law to keep silent about anything similar she may hear.8 -
There is a reason why this type of comment is not admissible as hearsay in court. It is inherently unreliable. MIL said that someone else said this. So what? Are we now to the point where we are offended second hand?
You really don't know what the gym professional said, only what your MIL said he said:
You don't know why he said it, if he did, under what circumstances or if he really meant it as a put down or insult:
and, as stated above, you really aren't sure if any statement that might or might not have been made was really admiration or a complement. We are often funny to watch when we start a new thing.
Don't make a thing over it until or unless something is said, or done, to you directly that is offensive.1 -
"hurt" is a personal choice the OP made. Some people can't help but reach for the victim card as a way of drawing sympathy from others... OP... you signed up, spent good money, bought clothes, and enlisted a friend to embark on this journey. Congratulations!!! what to do with here say evidence that someone "privately" commented on your first efforts? ignore it and get back to work... educate yourself on the machinery, talk to the desk to see if they have an orientation session that will offer you an opportunity to learn the right way... OR get on youtube and educate yourself. knowledge is power... so head up, and get back at it YOU do this for YOU, if it is for any other reason, you will find a million other excuses to quit...this just happened to be the first. I would wish you luck, but luck has nothing to do with people's success here... success is a result of determination, education, and setting realistic goals... put those three things together and what you heard someone say about you becomes totally irrelevant.3
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I get annoyed when people assume the only reason to go to the gym is to lose weight. I have a thyroid condition and I don't know how much weight I'll lose, but I know exercise is healthy and will help me have greater mobility as I age regardless of whether I ever get thin. The gym exists for people who are overweight too. There are no rules that say only thin people can go there, or even that it's worthless if you don't eventually get thin.3
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chunky_pinup wrote: »Do you and this person live in the same town?
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10429647/fat-shamed-at-grocery-stores/p1
He lives about 30 mins from me.
But I'm suckin it up and gonna keep my head up and keep on track.
Thanks everyone
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kerrydensmore wrote: »chunky_pinup wrote: »Do you and this person live in the same town?
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10429647/fat-shamed-at-grocery-stores/p1
He lives about 30 mins from me.
But I'm suckin it up and gonna keep my head up and keep on track.
Thanks everyone
Oh. Well then...3 -
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. This is absolutely horrible, discouraging and judgmental.summamumma wrote: »Just my opinion, but I don't think overweight people should go to the gym, especially not those mega-gyms. Oh, the irony! The only time I have felt good there is when I was already in shape. I would never go there in my current state (60 pounds to lose). I don't workout outside for the same reason. People are mean and as hard as you try not to let it get to you, it still will be in the back of your mind. Getting in shape is hard and you need only positive voices around you, either at home or at a small gym with other overweight people.
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If he said - or even thought - something like that, it says a lot about him (none of it good) . . . and it says nothing whatsoever about you.
Definitely do what you want and need to do to be the strong, healthy woman you're striving to be. Don't let a minority of small-minded, insecure people drag you down. I guarantee there are people at that gym admiring your determination, and before long they'll be admiring your progress. It wouldn't surprise me if some of those mature, good-hearted folks from the gym eventually numbered among your friends.
Keep doing the good stuff; you'll get the rewards. Ignore the rare jerk you meet along the way; they'll find their just desserts as well, eventually.3
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