Dating since divorce or breakup
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DetroitDarin wrote: »Great thread - nice to see others in similar situations.
To borrow from Monday Morning QB - 10 things I think I think
1. I would probably not date a woman whose kids were not spanked when they were little. Especially if the kids are still littleFridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I find that children that're spanked're the most misbehaved. 1st it's usually a lazy parent, that does it because it's a quick form of punishment, that only teaches the child, not to do something but doesn't teach the child, why they shouldn't do something. We don't teach children math, by throwing the book; at them. We teach them math, by taking the time to explain/demonstrate how to solve a problem. 2nd spanking their child, tends to be the only time, that these parents pay attention to their children & for some children, some attention; is better than no attention & they'll purposely misbehave, to get their parent's attention; even if that attention comes via physical pain to them. 3rd I've seen children that're spanked, turn around & then hit their parent or angrily throw something at them. If spanking worked, then everyone in jail would be those; that were never spanked. I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Hee-hee-hee! I'm used to DetroitDarin's attitude.
DetroitDarin wrote: »Honestly, there's too much logical fallacy in there to even respond to. Good luck.
Waaallll, my children are both in their 40s now, and they have done very well all through their lives, as spouses, and with their children, in spite of my not having your advice.
Seriously.
My first husband was initially my main influence who caused me to decide not to spank. He was leaning that direction, as we were making that decision when the children were ages 5 and 2. Unfortunately for all of us, he was killed in an accident, so it was up to me to make the final decision, and I went the direction I saw him going. How thankful I am for his strong influence.
As FridayApril wrote, rather than hitting them, I used other disciplines to help them -- everything from spending mucho time with them to even humor. When I put them in school, the school required that I sign permission for them to hit my children. I refused and got by with it, thankfully. I was never called in for disciplinary problems with my daughter, but I had to go in twice for my son: once because on his third day in kindergarten, he told his teacher she was despicable, and the second time . . . rats, I can't remember, but it was when he was in 2nd grade.
Just so you'll know, DetroitDarin, I was spanked a lot while at my parents' home. The last time Mother hit me, she slapped my face a couple days before I married at age 19. It suddenly occurred to me how small she was, and I laughed. I suddenly realized how ludicrous the whole thing had been.DetroitDarin wrote: »7. I don't mean to brag, but i've been called "Mostly Adequate" in bed by SEVERAL women!
Waaaallll, then we're even. I would never marry a guy like that ^^^.
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RainaProske wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »Great thread - nice to see others in similar situations.
To borrow from Monday Morning QB - 10 things I think I think
1. I would probably not date a woman whose kids were not spanked when they were little. Especially if the kids are still littleFridayApril01st2016 wrote: »I find that children that're spanked're the most misbehaved. 1st it's usually a lazy parent, that does it because it's a quick form of punishment, that only teaches the child, not to do something but doesn't teach the child, why they shouldn't do something. We don't teach children math, by throwing the book; at them. We teach them math, by taking the time to explain/demonstrate how to solve a problem. 2nd spanking their child, tends to be the only time, that these parents pay attention to their children & for some children, some attention; is better than no attention & they'll purposely misbehave, to get their parent's attention; even if that attention comes via physical pain to them. 3rd I've seen children that're spanked, turn around & then hit their parent or angrily throw something at them. If spanking worked, then everyone in jail would be those; that were never spanked. I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Hee-hee-hee! I'm used to DetroitDarin's attitude.DetroitDarin wrote: »Honestly, there's too much logical fallacy in there to even respond to. Good luck.
Waaallll, my children are both in their 40s now, and they have done very well all through their lives, as spouses, and with their children, in spite of my not having your advice. Seriously.
My first husband was initially my main influence who caused me to decide not to spank. He was leaning that direction, as we were making that decision when the children were ages 5 and 2. Unfortunately for all of us, he was killed in an accident, so it was up to me to make the final decision, and I went the direction I saw him going. How thankful I am for his strong influence.
As FridayApril wrote, rather than hitting them, I used other disciplines to help them -- everything from spending mucho time with them to even humor. When I put them in school, the school required that I sign permission for them to hit my children. I refused and got by with it, thankfully. I was never called in for disciplinary problems with my daughter, but I had to go in twice for my son: once because on his third day in kindergarten, he told his teacher she was despicable, and the second time . . . rats, I can't remember, but it was when he was in 2nd grade.
Just so you'll know, DetroitDarin, I was spanked a lot while at my parents' home. The last time Mother hit me, she slapped my face a couple days before I married at age 19. It suddenly occurred to me how small she was, and I laughed. I suddenly realized how ludicrous the whole thing had been.DetroitDarin wrote: »7. I don't mean to brag, but i've been called "Mostly Adequate" in bed by SEVERAL women!
Waaaallll, then we're even. I would never marry a guy like that ^^^.
The worst of it, isn't even the act itself; it's the escalation that's necessary to achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee, for the 1st few times; it'll hurt enough to make them cry but after they become accustomed to the pain, it'll take a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc.; to produce the same effect. The same goes with spanking. A light tap'll have to evolve into a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the same level of pain; to control the child.5 -
FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »The worst of it, isn't even the act itself; it's the escalation that's necessary to achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee, for the 1st few times; it'll hurt enough to make them cry but after they become accustomed to the pain, it'll take a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc.; to produce the same effect. The same goes with spanking. A light tap'll have to evolve into a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the same level of pain; to control the child.
This is way too true. This continues to cause problems for me. Fortunately, when I finally remarried, I married a man who is extremely patient with me. I don't feel pain like others do. I didn't realize that until my daughter brought it up as a teen. I thought about it and realized she was right.
Tonight, my husband and I drove several miles away from the city in order to watch the meteors. I had to admit to him, when we got out in the country, that I felt very vulnerable, because of the extreme darkness. With diabetes mixed with the problem of not feeling pain because of abuse, I have to be very careful.
Mother probably had no idea what life-long problems she was causing with her spanking, but then again, she would not have cared. My oldest sister was hurt far worse than I, and . . . well, things are extremely difficult for her. I'll drop it at that.0 -
RainaProske wrote: »FridayApril01st2016 wrote: »The worst of it, isn't even the act itself; it's the escalation that's necessary to achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee, for the 1st few times; it'll hurt enough to make them cry but after they become accustomed to the pain, it'll take a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc.; to produce the same effect. The same goes with spanking. A light tap'll have to evolve into a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the same level of pain; to control the child.
This is way too true. This continues to cause problems for me. Fortunately, when I finally remarried, I married a man who is extremely patient with me. I don't feel pain like others do. I didn't realize that until my daughter brought it up as a teen. I thought about it and realized she was right.
Tonight, my husband and I drove several miles away from the city in order to watch the meteors. I had to admit to him, when we got out in the country, that I felt very vulnerable. With diabetes mixed with the problem of not feeling pain because of abuse, I have to be very careful.
Mother probably had no idea what life-long problems she was causing with her spanking, but then again, she would not have cared. My oldest sister was hurt far worse than I, and . . . well, things are extremely difficult for her. I'll drop it at that.
I am very sorry, for you & your sister's suffering.2 -
I'm doing all right; it's my older sister whose life was torn up by it, including marriage problems -- three marriages. She was particularly beautiful, tall and elegant, and I think Mother was jealous.
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Another issue that comes to mind concerning spanking, is the ability to continue it. So if a parent that spanks their child, becomes disabled in such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline; then how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking, has to leave to go on a business trip for a week; how'll the child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given, without having to be physical or a discussion can be had, without having to be in the same location that the child's in.1
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RainaProske wrote: »I'm doing all right; it's my older sister whose life was torn up by it, including marriage problems -- three marriages. She was particularly beautiful, tall and elegant, and I think Mother was jealous.
I understand that, my Mother wasn't jealous of my looks; she was jealous of my popularity. She thought that having a baby'd be like buying, a new pair of shoes. Everyone'll notice once & comment about how great they're but then won't notice them anymore, not so with a baby; especially among women & men that were ready, to start having children; of their own.0 -
You do understand, don't you . . . .
Too well. How I wish you didn't "get it." This treatment can ruin marriages, can ruin spouses. G-D, help us to guard ourselves and our children from this. 0 -
RainaProske wrote: »You do understand, don't you . . . . Too well. How I wish you didn't "get it." This treatment can ruin marriages, can ruin spouses. G-D, help us to guard ourselves and our children from this.
I found out that my Mother hated me, when I was 5 but didn't know why, until I was 8. When I was 5 my 1st reaction, was to be sorry; for making my Mother hate me but as I tried to think over, what I was able to remember of my life; I realized that there was nothing I or any 5 year old could do, to deserve to be hated; by their parent & that's how I knew, the she was the problem; not I. So I didn't suffer as much as I would've, if I continued to believe; that I was the problem.1 -
RainaProske wrote: »
Waaaallll, then we're even. I would never marry a guy like that ^^^.
Agreed; you shouldn't. We "barely adequate" guys aren't ones to settle down
:cheers:
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DoneWorking wrote: »Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »DoneWorking wrote: »After my second divorce I didn't want to date for quite a while. Then one day I decided I needed to have a long talk with myself. I knew what my complaints were about them, but I felt I really needed to sit down and take a look at their complaints about me. Hard to do? You betcha! But I did it. I changed the things that I felt legitimately needed to be changed and kept the rest. Then I felt I was ready to date again. Result? Though I don't see myself getting married again, I am in the best relationship of my life and have been for nine years now.
Moral of the story: It's not all the other person's fault.
I think this is so wise. When I left my first husband I spent too much time thinking about all the things he did wrong, instead of what I did wrong. These things are never one-sided but it's a lot easier to think about the other party and to feel sorry for yourself. To be honest even now I'm remarried there are things I still need to work on about myself every day - I am not an easy woman to live with, even though for years I used to insist that I was. It's a tough road to admit what you really are.
Thank you. Unfortunately, most of us wait until the relationship is long gone to do this sort of thing.
I think it's because the natural instinct of humans is to blame a situation (or someone else) rather than yourself. It's easier to say 'I'm stuck in a loveless marriage but it's too hard to leave' rather than say 'How have I created this situation and what can I do to help myself?'
Whoever said above that love is the easiest thing in the world is wrong. Love is work because it has to evolve, just as people do.2 -
Recently divorced. Went on a few dates with one man, who gave me the whole "I'm just not feeling a spark." talk. Kind of messed me up; it was the first dates I've had since I was 19, and I'm 30 now. I've been on dating sites but I'm just not meshing with anyone. I'm not really feeling like getting back out there, honestly. Just gonna focus on me and my kiddo, my kid is all I need.
LOL...pretty similar experience here except it was 25+ years since I last dated. Was dating someone briefly until I got a text saying she didn't think she felt the same about me as I felt about her. Not sure what she thought I felt about her...lol.
Oh yeah that's how it's done now.
Things end via text message. Or ghosting.
I've been ghosted twice and it sucks. There's no other word for it. When you've been dating someone for a few months and you send them a "good morning" text and then just never, ever hear from them again...
Anyway - I just broke up with someone on Monday so I'm far from ready to date. But I know a few months from now I might want to and it totally scares the *kitten* out of me
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AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »Recently divorced. Went on a few dates with one man, who gave me the whole "I'm just not feeling a spark." talk. Kind of messed me up; it was the first dates I've had since I was 19, and I'm 30 now. I've been on dating sites but I'm just not meshing with anyone. I'm not really feeling like getting back out there, honestly. Just gonna focus on me and my kiddo, my kid is all I need.
LOL...pretty similar experience here except it was 25+ years since I last dated. Was dating someone briefly until I got a text saying she didn't think she felt the same about me as I felt about her. Not sure what she thought I felt about her...lol.
Oh yeah that's how it's done now.
Things end via text message. Or ghosting.
I've been ghosted twice and it sucks. There's no other word for it. When you've been dating someone for a few months and you send them a "good morning" text and then just never, ever hear from them again...
Anyway - I just broke up with someone on Monday so I'm far from ready to date. But I know a few months from now I might want to and it totally scares the *kitten* out of me
My bf and I broke up about a month ago and I'm still trying to move forward. Went on a date with someone last week and although he was great, it just wasn't going to work. In the past, moving forward sooner rather than later has worked best for me, but my heart is still stuck. I started to make a new online dating profile last night and I just couldn't do it. Online dating is exhausting. It overwhelms me and is so tedious. I wish I could skip that whole process.0 -
I turned for the worse for a while since I had been in a long time marriage. I "sowed wild oats" as they say for about 2 years, and met the best girl ever which calmed me down, but at our start I was still a wolf , it caused issues between us due to the damage to a foundation built with lies in some of the bricks. My advice to all is if looking for love ( I was honestly not) , but also playing the field be honest if asked. I have turned another leaf and am on the straight and narrow now2
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AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »Recently divorced. Went on a few dates with one man, who gave me the whole "I'm just not feeling a spark." talk. Kind of messed me up; it was the first dates I've had since I was 19, and I'm 30 now. I've been on dating sites but I'm just not meshing with anyone. I'm not really feeling like getting back out there, honestly. Just gonna focus on me and my kiddo, my kid is all I need.
LOL...pretty similar experience here except it was 25+ years since I last dated. Was dating someone briefly until I got a text saying she didn't think she felt the same about me as I felt about her. Not sure what she thought I felt about her...lol.
Oh yeah that's how it's done now.
Things end via text message. Or ghosting.
I've been ghosted twice and it sucks. There's no other word for it. When you've been dating someone for a few months and you send them a "good morning" text and then just never, ever hear from them again...
Anyway - I just broke up with someone on Monday so I'm far from ready to date. But I know a few months from now I might want to and it totally scares the *kitten* out of me
My bf and I broke up about a month ago and I'm still trying to move forward. Went on a date with someone last week and although he was great, it just wasn't going to work. In the past, moving forward sooner rather than later has worked best for me, but my heart is still stuck. I started to make a new online dating profile last night and I just couldn't do it. Online dating is exhausting. It overwhelms me and is so tedious. I wish I could skip that whole process.
You're probably just not ready yet. A month really isn't a long time. I think it takes a few months to get your head back in the game. Online dating is THE WORST. And what's even worse is trying to meet someone IRL. I go to happy hour and whatnot with my friends and meeting the opposite sex is impossible because everyone is looking down at their phones instead of looking up at what's really around them.2 -
Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »Whoever said above that love is the easiest thing in the world is wrong. Love is work because it has to evolve, just as people do.
What I mean is - Love can't be taught nor earned. Love can't be coerced or convinced. The 'loving' part of the relationship should be the single easiest aspect. Learning to put the toilet set back up - sure. That's something to work on. Paying bills? Yup. Let's talk. But the almost innate feeling or desire to be close to the other person is something that if taught, coerced, decided-upon, or convinced-into-existence is not love.
Said another way - 'doing things' is not love. But when you love, you serve the other person's interests because that brings you happiness too. The things we do are symptoms of how we feel - not the other way around.
This is what love looks like -
"Honey I am really hurt about this."
"I am so sorry I hurt you"
Love does NOT look like this:
"Honey, you HURT me, you jerk! You better apologize!"
"Yeah, but YOU are the one who started it!"
Love looks like this:
"Ugh. These bills are killing me, babe."
"I am so thankful you're taking care of those for us. C'mere" (as he/she gets into their lap).
Love doesn't look like this:
"OMG! How DARE you spend $10 on a COFFEE! What is WRONG with you?"
"Oh! So now I don't get to buy Coffee?? Is that it? What about your spending money on golf?"
Love looks like this:
"I am really hurt by you and I am angry. Come here and touch me for a little bit"
or
"I love you to the moon. I am upset right now, but we got this - we'll be okay. I need some me-time to sort through this"
If our natural responses to our partners are rooted in self-interest or self-esteem, there's no love in that response.
Because Love is EASY. NATURAL. It's not something that has to be guarded or controlled or metered. If Love exists being kind, nice, loving, helpful - those things are EASY. They are second-nature.
Now - personality conflicts? Those can be awful and take years of work to correct. But those aren't love. Commitment is not easy either! Learning to live with somebody? Takes work.
Love is coming home from vacation to see a mess of dishes in the kitchen; making love on top of the mess; then cleaning together. Love is walking into a room and allowing the gravity of your lover pull you towards them. Next to them. Because that's the most-natural and welcoming place you want to be.
And stuff and junk or whatever.
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Happily married. Gotta say though after my experience growing up, if I ever end up single again, I will remain that way. And like great movies, a great wife doesn't need a sequel.
I'm one of 5. My father re-married someone with 3 kids. She turned out to be the living embodiment of Cinderella's step mom. My father married again after I left home. To say she was a few sandwiches short of a picnic is being kind. My father, for all his education, had no internal radar warning system for crazy.
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JessicaJS23 wrote: »I'm 33 and have a 13 year old and almost 11 year old.
They are finally at an age where I can go out on dates once in a while but the whole thing is just so weird.
Men seem to assume your looking for a father figure for your kids. I'm not. I've played the mom and dad role for 7 years and have done just fine.
I don't need a captain save a ho. I don't live lavishly but I pay for everything on my own.
That seems to baffle them.
I haven't met anyone that can appreciate that I don't want or need anything from them right off the bat besides their companionship. It's looking real real bleak.
My father used to tell he was going out shopping. He'd get back around midnight or 1 am with a single bag of groceries. When we finally met #3 to be we told her about that. She laughed like hell. Later we found out she had a few screws loose. But she has a good heart.1 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »RainaProske wrote: »
Waaaallll, then we're even. I would never marry a guy like that ^^^.
Agreed; you shouldn't. We "barely adequate" guys aren't ones to settle down
:cheers:
Well, since reading more of what you write, I have decided that you are definitely not the person I thought you were. What I was going to write here is "you are definitely not the complete idiot I thought you were, but I changed my mind about writing that.
Reading your later post makes me think you are a far better person than I thought . . . not that you need my silly approval. It's just that I am grateful. You're a smart man, and you likely really understand what love is about.
One thing that really confused me here recently was when someone (somewhere on MFP) wrote that love used to be an action word, indicating that this is no longer the definition of love. That really surprised me. In my opinion, love has not changed. It remains an action word -- a verb, not a mere noun or a word for a feeling. You appear to agree with that premise.
Real love is amazing. My present husband amazes me daily with his dedication, his actions, he care for me. He could have chosen to go a dozen different ways, but he has decided to stay through difficult times with me. Now, I need to give back to him even beyond and above what I think I am able to do.
Thank you, Darin, for not being who I thought you were. 2
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