How to talk to those who think I have lost enough and am getting too thin
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I've been at my current weight (still about 15 lbs heavy) for about a year now so I'm not getting this too much anymore, but during the time I was actually losing most of my weight I got this kind of thing frequently. I never had too much problem telling casual questioners that I knew what I was doing, had a plan, and I'd stop when I got to a good weight for me.
The one that really bothers me, and the one that I still hear this from time to time from, is my wife. It's really, really frustrating to have the person who's supposed to be my biggest supporter, and who knows where I'm coming from because she battles weight herself and has lost substantial amounts (and gained it back again) several times tell me I need to stop losing weight because she "doesn't like skinny guys" or something similar.
Tell her you don't like fat girls lol
Joking aside, just tell her upfront that you like being skinny, and that if she doesn't like skinny guys, she needs to deal with it. Or try to get her back to weight loss and help her maintain it, if she's been losing and gaining the weight and she sees you losing your weight consistently, it might come from a place of jealousy instead.5 -
I just hope to get to the point were people ask that question ...
Good luck4 -
I guess it goes both ways.I've been at my current weight (still about 15 lbs heavy) for about a year now so I'm not getting this too much anymore, but during the time I was actually losing most of my weight I got this kind of thing frequently. I never had too much problem telling casual questioners that I knew what I was doing, had a plan, and I'd stop when I got to a good weight for me.
The one that really bothers me, and the one that I still hear this from time to time from, is my wife. It's really, really frustrating to have the person who's supposed to be my biggest supporter, and who knows where I'm coming from because she battles weight herself and has lost substantial amounts (and gained it back again) several times tell me I need to stop losing weight because she "doesn't like skinny guys" or something similar.
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Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
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Great answer @aaron_k123 . I was dieting unhealthy at 19, and I'm glad my loved ones were on top of it.1
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
I don't understand where you are coming from with this. The OP states in the very first line of her post that she is 5'6" and 170 lbs. There is no way that she could fall under Way 2 as described above. She is overweight, period, and she recognizes this.
I understand looking out for body dysmorphia and people who think they are fat when they are not. I don't think anybody could read any of my posts and think that I don't keep an eye out for that. That is not what is going on here though. The OP has a good read on her situation. Do you think she is padding her stats to get sympathy?14 -
"I am perfectly healthy, as is my goal weight. Thank you for your concern."1
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"Oh, you know more than my doctor? Gotchya!"1
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
I don't understand where you are coming from with this. The OP states in the very first line of her post that she is 5'6" and 170 lbs. There is no way that she could fall under Way 2 as described above. She is overweight, period, and she recognizes this.
I understand looking out for body dysmorphia and people who think they are fat when they are not. I don't think anybody could read any of my posts and think that I don't keep an eye out for that. That is not what is going on here though. The OP has a good read on her situation. Do you think she is padding her stats to get sympathy?
You are assuming that the OP is accurately reporting their situation. I am not saying the OP isn't, I'm just pointing out I'm hesitant to assume someone looking for validation from a community is guaranteed to be being completely honest with themselves or with the comminty. That belief has nothing to do with what the OP said or who the OP is. Thats why I am hestitant to provide that validation, I'd rather suggest they seek opinion in person from an unbiased source such as a medical professional during one of their routinue visits.
Here is where I am coming from. There is a very slim chance the OP is biased and is not accurately reporting the actual circumstances and as such telling them to ignore advice or concern they are getting would be the wrong thing to say. It is, however, completely safe to advise them to seek out an unbiased professional opinion from their doctor during their next visit. So I just chose the less risky option.
I'm choosing to be unbiased and give advice that fits all situations. Whether the OPs friends/family or wrong or the OP is wrong.
So I guess I'd turn the question around and ask you what is wrong with my advice to simply get a medical opinion during their next routinue appointment and then use that medical opinion to answer others concerns?
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I've been at my current weight (still about 15 lbs heavy) for about a year now so I'm not getting this too much anymore, but during the time I was actually losing most of my weight I got this kind of thing frequently. I never had too much problem telling casual questioners that I knew what I was doing, had a plan, and I'd stop when I got to a good weight for me.
The one that really bothers me, and the one that I still hear this from time to time from, is my wife. It's really, really frustrating to have the person who's supposed to be my biggest supporter, and who knows where I'm coming from because she battles weight herself and has lost substantial amounts (and gained it back again) several times tell me I need to stop losing weight because she "doesn't like skinny guys" or something similar.
I get this from my husband too. He now tells me I'm too thin and I need to eat more! Honestly, I do carry my weight well. No one would guess I weigh 170 but it's definitely NOT too thin.1 -
Um. I am the OP and am most definitely NOT padding my statistics for this forum AaronK_123. Not real thrilled someone would think that! I don't post too much, but have been experiencing this for about 2 months and was feeling a tad overwhelmed. I had a compete physical and my Dr is thrilled with my progress and my goal. I probably should lose even more but need to be at a sustainable weight. I feel 150 is sustainable. So I do NOT have an ED and I promise you I do not have body dysmorphic disorder. Ugh. To all those who posted positive advice, THANK you. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some ammo for my Arsenal!4
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Um. I am the OP and am most definitely NOT padding my statistics for this forum AaronK_123. Not real thrilled someone would think that! I don't post too much, but have been experiencing this for about 2 months and was feeling a tad overwhelmed. I had a compete physical and my Dr is thrilled with my progress and my goal. I probably should lose even more but need to be at a sustainable weight. I feel 150 is sustainable. So I do NOT have an ED and I promise you I do not have body dysmorphic disorder. Ugh. To all those who posted positive advice, THANK you. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some ammo for my Arsenal!
It has nothing to do with who you are as a person, I wasn't saying it personally.
My advice is simply next time you see your doctor ask them for a physical with regards to your current weight and their advice on that. That costs you absolutely nothing. If they tell you you are a healthy weight or could stand to lose a little then you have the absolutely perfect response to anyone who says you are "too thin".
My advice is neither positive nor negative, its just unbiased. Why is that bad advice? Were you just looking for people to afirm what you wanted to hear, that you are correct about everything even thought they don't know you or your friends/family at all? Is telling you that your friends and family are wrong what you are defining as "being positive"? How could I legitimately do that...I don't know you personally, i don't know your family or friends persoanlly.3 -
It sounds like you are on a success path. Best Wishes! Stay strong.Um. I am the OP and am most definitely NOT padding my statistics for this forum AaronK_123. Not real thrilled someone would think that! I don't post too much, but have been experiencing this for about 2 months and was feeling a tad overwhelmed.I had a compete physical and my Dr is thrilled with my progress and my goal. I probably should lose even more but need to be at a sustainable weight. I feel 150 is sustainable. So I do NOT have an ED and I promise you I do not have body dysmorphic disorder. Ugh. To all those who posted positive advice, THANK you. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some ammo for my Arsenal!
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
I don't understand where you are coming from with this. The OP states in the very first line of her post that she is 5'6" and 170 lbs. There is no way that she could fall under Way 2 as described above. She is overweight, period, and she recognizes this.
I understand looking out for body dysmorphia and people who think they are fat when they are not. I don't think anybody could read any of my posts and think that I don't keep an eye out for that. That is not what is going on here though. The OP has a good read on her situation. Do you think she is padding her stats to get sympathy?
You are assuming that the OP is accurately reporting their situation. I am not saying the OP isn't, I'm just pointing out I'm hesitant to assume someone looking for validation from a community is guaranteed to be being completely honest with themselves or with the comminty. That belief has nothing to do with what the OP said or who the OP is. Thats why I am hestitant to provide that validation, I'd rather suggest they seek opinion in person from an unbiased source such as a medical professional during one of their routinue visits.
Here is where I am coming from. There is a very slim chance the OP is biased and is not accurately reporting the actual circumstances and as such telling them to ignore advice or concern they are getting would be the wrong thing to say. It is, however, completely safe to advise them to seek out an unbiased professional opinion from their doctor during their next visit. So I just chose the less risky option.
I'm choosing to be unbiased and give advice that fits all situations. Whether the OPs friends/family or wrong or the OP is wrong.
So I guess I'd turn the question around and ask you what is wrong with my advice to simply get a medical opinion during their next routinue appointment and then use that medical opinion to answer others concerns?
Obviously there's nothing wrong with getting a medical opinion on anything.
The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
When I read a post, I look at the wording to try to discern what exactly is going on. A person who is body dysmorphic does not pad their weight and size stats in order to get sympathy. They list their true weight and size and try to justify why it is not small when it is. I do not at all believe, even a teeny tiny itty bitty little bit, that the OP is biased here.
Going back to asking for a medical opinion--Like I said, I have no problem with people getting medical opinions on anything. But! I would never suggest using that medical opinion to answer others' concerns, except maybe if we're talking about partners/spouses. Telling people other than my husband what my doctor says about my health is telling them that it's okay to butt into my personal matters. That kind of thing just invites more butting in, which is the entire problem that the OP is trying to avoid.
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The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
Except that ISNT always the wrong thing to do as @tomteboda gave as a personal example and you are ASSUMING that the OPs friends are misspeaking based only what the OP told us with no other context or experience.
OP is asking for us to side with them over their friends. If her friends were making the post instead they'd be asking us to side with them. I'm trying to be impartial, I don't want to "side" with anyone. Agreeing with the OP that their friends and family are wrong isn't "being positive" its choosing a side. I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs friends...I'm not going to choose a side. I'm going to stay agnostic and just give advice that really is good advice for either side. OP won't be hurt by having a physical now and again. OPs friends/family might get some piece of mind if OP has a doctor confirm they aren't in any sort of health risk. Its win-win isn't it?2 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
Except that ISNT always the wrong thing to do as @tomteboda gave as a personal example and you are ASSUMING that the OPs friends are misspeaking based only what the OP told us with no other context or experience.
OP is asking for us to side with them over their friends. If her friends were making the post instead they'd be asking us to side with them. I'm trying to be impartial, I don't want to "side" with anyone. Agreeing with the OP that their friends and family are wrong isn't "being positive" its choosing a side. I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs friends...I'm not going to choose a side. I'm going to stay agnostic and just give advice that really is good advice for either side. OP won't be hurt by having a physical now and again. OPs friends/family might get some piece of mind if OP has a doctor confirm they aren't in any sort of health risk. Its win-win isn't it?
If OP's friends were posting I would tell them that a woman with a BMI of 27 is not too thin. It is mind boggling to me that you think that it is impartiality to suggest that the OP should take time and money to go see a doctor to confirm that being 16 lbs above the healthy weight range for her height is not too thin and that she then should repeat that to her friends. To me that goes beyond impartiality to illogical and completely spineless, especially considering how prevalent "you're too thin" comments are, as evidenced by multiple comments in this thread. Your advice to all of the people who have posted that they were told that they are getting too thin is that they should go get physicals and report the results to their friends?4 -
Um. I am the OP and am most definitely NOT padding my statistics for this forum AaronK_123. Not real thrilled someone would think that! I don't post too much, but have been experiencing this for about 2 months and was feeling a tad overwhelmed. I had a compete physical and my Dr is thrilled with my progress and my goal. I probably should lose even more but need to be at a sustainable weight. I feel 150 is sustainable. So I do NOT have an ED and I promise you I do not have body dysmorphic disorder. Ugh. To all those who posted positive advice, THANK you. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some ammo for my Arsenal!
I would not worry about it too much. Have you ever been in a pet store and looking at puppies and one gets bored and just starts clawing at another's face for no reason and a wrestling match breaks out? Same thing here.2 -
I can definitely relate. My parents/friends tell me to slow down despite me still being overweight, I've learnt to ignore them when it comes to my weight, it's MY body.0
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It really is amazing, though, how many people think it is okay to comment on my body now that I've lost weight but who would never have said anything when I actually was unhealthy.
THIS ^^^^
Anyway, glad to read I'm not the only one struggling with these comments.
I've got them a lot, especially since Italians always assume that if you've lost weight is because you're ill.
"Do you want pizza?"
"No thank you"
"WHY?"
"Because I'm not hungry"
"Yes, but WHY??"
Even if you have an iron will, living in an environment that seems to look at you like a Big Brother is not easy.
It's been months now, and I still get the same *kitten* look on my mother's face when I refuse something.
My father once went as far as to tell me not to go jogging because I was "overdoing" it (was running 3 times per week, honestly) and I didn't need to lose any more weight. As if jogging was about weight.
Anyway, I'm digressing now. I've found that trying to speak like an adult to people when they tell me I'm "too thin", showing them that I'm eating as healthy as I can and I have breakfast and lunch and dinner when maybe they skip breakfast, is useless, because usually the people that make those comments are the ones that have no idea what a healthy meal is to begin with.
Just ignore it. People will get used to it, if given enough time.2 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
In another thread I suspected the OP could have a distorted body image and suggested she discussion her ideal weight for her frame with her GYN.
In this case, the OP has a very different tone and has stats similar to mine, so I am confident she is right and they are wrong.
I agree with you in general, but for this particular thread think we have enough specifics to support the OP.
I would discuss my goal weight with my doctor if a loved one of mine was giving me grief so as to be able to reassure them with the Appeal to Authority card.
In my next post I will quote my favorite suggestion for responding to less important acquaintances.3
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