Please help? (Non weight related relationship post but making me wanna eat!)
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Now I'm sad thinking of all I've missed out on. The policeman, nicknamed sergeant stud, I jokingly called the 'housewives choice'. Loads of women fancied him. He was ripped, 6ft 2, bright blue eyes, handsome, led a team of about 14 officers, was super fit, financially stable, quite nice. He attempted to get me to go out with him for months and when I finally agreed he took me on dates around the country, even one up a mountain. But I never took him seriously, to me he was a joke because I loved my evil weasel
Doctor so much that I could never realistically entertain the thought of anyone else. But looks like the jokes on me :-(0 -
1.Manipulators suck.
2.Don't believe anything he says to you.
3.Drop it and don't look back.
Thanks. I just had this fear that maybe he did actually like me. I mean it's been two years, who sleeps with someone for two years that they don't find attractive? Albeit on and off.
The weird thing is I only started losing weight when I accepted it was over. I could never lose weight before, even though that's what he wanted. I hated myself. I couldn't stand my reflection. I'd jealously gaze at blonde haired blue eyed white girls and wish I could be like them. Although I've been fat for a while my body shape (hourglass) means that I've never struggled for attention. I joined a dating site and at one point got over 1000 messages a day. I started dating a junior doctor that went crazy over me and said I was gorgeous and also a very senior doctor that always told me I was "such a beautiful woman". But nothing mattered. No one else's opinion mattered, only his. Only in the last week (since I discovered he had been dating someone while seeing me....a blonde blue eyed girl that didn't want to see him again) did I finally think this has to stop and as if by magic I lost weight. Because the self hatred and twisted knot in my stomach eased a little. Part of me is now angry at myself because I think why didn't I lose weight before? And part of me wants to see what happens.
I think you're being awfully hard on yourself. People like him prey on insecurities in others, and everyone has insecurities at one level or another.
One other thing - and I'm saying this gently, you keep mentioning over and over what others think of you. Well, your opinion of yourself is much more important.
Try being good to yourself, one day/moment at a time, for an extended period. You might surprise yourself.
One other thing, anecdotal. All 3 of my daughters (all adult now) went though periods where they claimed they just didn't feel complete without a guy in their lives. You do not need one to be complete. You're complete all by yourself, so get that cemented first. I bet you'll be glad you did.
Thankyou that really hit home xxxx0 -
Oh my god, you deserve so much better. What if he does decide to ask you to be his girlfriend and it does work out and you do end up having kids? Will he treat them badly too as he doesn't believe in "racial mixing". He sounds like a prize. Dump him, keep your motivation, look hot and every single day he see's you, be all like "Hey, guess what, I'm WAY to good for your sorry butt!!"1
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I don't think you're "in love" with this guy. This isn't how love works. You happen to be infatuated. Big difference. Love should enhance your life and feel supportive; it should make you feel good about yourself and your partner. That's not what's happening here. This guy is toxic. Don't play his games.2
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Thanks. So, I didn't cancel my date to be with him. He messaged me throughout the night. First he told me to leave him alone so I said okay. Then he messaged asking if I was okay. And then I was working next. Even at 5am he was still trying to get me to come over.
I thought about it until the very end this morning. It's so hard when your feelings for someone just won't fade. But deep in my heart I know that the second I go and see him he will lose interest. He likes the chase and not much else. I remember telling him once that I loved him so much I'd die for him without a moments hesitation (there was a backstory to it) and his reply was "maybe I'll see you at the weekend....maybe".
I am so grateful to everyone that has posted. You have really helped me out things into perspective. At first I hated and loathed myself because I am not the perfect blonde that he wants. I didn't feel I could be angry at him....if I'm not his type, I'm not his type, right? Nothing anyone can do. But it hurt so much. And made me feel beyond ugly and worthless. The advice people have posted have made me realise that the only way to stop that feeling is to learn to love myself. Maybe if I love myself, rejection won't sting as much.
I have a friend, whom is so full of confidence that if someone isn't interested in her she's like "What's WRONG with them? Look at me, I'm amazing!!!!!". She's really funny and she's really happy with herself. I am going to make her into my thinspiration.
I believe I will get there one day, thankyou again SO much to everyone that has posted xxx0 -
^ die at a moments hesitation? unless that's part of some play ur rehearsing why on earth would you say that to anyone?!? give them all the power in the world over you in one sentence.
im not going to give you all that "your amazing" stuff because I don't know if that's true, you might be a weirdo. but with that being said, you need to look at this "relationship" in a coldhearted manner. Ask yourself, what do I get out of this? and is it worth what I put in?4 -
MrStabbems wrote: »^ die at a moments hesitation? unless that's part of some play ur rehearsing why on earth would you say that to anyone?!? give them all the power in the world over you in one sentence.
im not going to give you all that "your amazing" stuff because I don't know if that's true, you might be a weirdo. but with that being said, you need to look at this "relationship" in a coldhearted manner. Ask yourself, what do I get out of this? and is it worth what I put in?
He had issues as his ex gf left him, and part of the reason they broke up was he said I'd jump in front of a bus for you, and he asked her the same and she said no, and that's where it came about. I'm not just an obvious weirdo ha. But you're right giving someone all the power is never good0 -
I applaud his ex lol, if my wife asked me to jump in front of a bus for her I'd say "you first you crazy loon"
dude sounds like a whole bag of crazy.3 -
Move on ASAP.0
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Unfriend him on Facebook.1
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You should also block his number, stop getting text messages from him. My daughter had to do that two years ago. My advice is to cut off any and all contact.0
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You should also block his number, stop getting text messages from him. My daughter had to do that two years ago. My advice is to cut off any and all contact.
Thanks. I have tried, but it's so hard. He gets depressed and has been suicidal in the past and I'm scared that he might do something stupid.
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The way I was fashioned and molded by how life has dealt its hand to me, it prohibits my mind from comprehending how people can allow themselves to be played like a puppet.
I don't understand.
PS: Yes I get it that he is an idiot jerk. Or a jerk idiot.0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Tanny, I read your profile say someone does not want to be seen with you in public. That is unfortunate and terrible. Can you see how you have let this man belittle you as a human being? You need to cut the obsession with him.
I think you should step on whatsapp and let him know that you have hooked up with a hot black dude, and speak at length about the big bad chocolate cannoli.... because that is something the doctor can never have nor taste. A dose of his own medicine
Haha your posts make me laugh
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You should also block his number, stop getting text messages from him. My daughter had to do that two years ago. My advice is to cut off any and all contact.
Thanks. I have tried, but it's so hard. He gets depressed and has been suicidal in the past and I'm scared that he might do something stupid.
That is kind of you to be concerned, but by the sounds of it, he is using that as a control tool. I've seen it done. Don't fall for it. And if he seriously is depressed and/or suicidal, he should get help. This is not your responsibility. That might sound harsh, but it's the truth.
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Hungry_Angler wrote: »The way I was fashioned and molded by how life has dealt its hand to me, it prohibits my mind from comprehending how people can allow themselves to be played like a puppet.
I don't understand.
PS: Yes I get it that he is an idiot jerk. Or a jerk idiot.
Yeah, I know you are right as when I have felt better about myself I have felt less drawn to him.0 -
You should also block his number, stop getting text messages from him. My daughter had to do that two years ago. My advice is to cut off any and all contact.
Thanks. I have tried, but it's so hard. He gets depressed and has been suicidal in the past and I'm scared that he might do something stupid.
That is kind of you to be concerned, but by the sounds of it, he is using that as a control tool. I've seen it done. Don't fall for it. And if he seriously is depressed and/or suicidal, he should get help. This is not your responsibility. That might sound harsh, but it's the truth.
To be completely honest, I never block him entirely as I am half waiting for the day he realises he loves me. Or I feel that if he knows he still has me then he will be less likely to get with other women. Stupid I know. And then i do worry for his mental health. He has huge eyes, and when he's sad he looks so innocent and lost and it just breaks my heart. The thought of him feeling sad if I blocked him entirely hurts me more than it would hurt him I think. But I do know that cutting contact is really the only way forward.
Why does love suck so much sometimes ;-(
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You should also block his number, stop getting text messages from him. My daughter had to do that two years ago. My advice is to cut off any and all contact.
Thanks. I have tried, but it's so hard. He gets depressed and has been suicidal in the past and I'm scared that he might do something stupid.
That is kind of you to be concerned, but by the sounds of it, he is using that as a control tool. I've seen it done. Don't fall for it. And if he seriously is depressed and/or suicidal, he should get help. This is not your responsibility. That might sound harsh, but it's the truth.
To be completely honest, I never block him entirely as I am half waiting for the day he realises he loves me. Or I feel that if he knows he still has me then he will be less likely to get with other women. Stupid I know. And then i do worry for his mental health. He has huge eyes, and when he's sad he looks so innocent and lost and it just breaks my heart. The thought of him feeling sad if I blocked him entirely hurts me more than it would hurt him I think. But I do know that cutting contact is really the only way forward.
Why does love suck so much sometimes ;-(
That's not love. You're codependent and manipulated into feeling guilt, but you're not in love. And he will never realize he loves you, because the most valuable thing you are to him is a dog he can kick.
This is not a person who builds you up or encourages you to be a better version of yourself. This is not someone who sees the beauty in you as you are. This is someone who guilt-trips you to control you. He will not feel sad if you block him; he will be angry he no longer has a toy to play with. He will not miss you if you're out of his life; he will feel frustrated that there's not someone to belittle to make himself feel powerful. The longer you're with him and the more control you give him, the worse he will treat you, and the more of your own life you'll miss out on.3 -
You shouldn't put up with this kind of treatment
This guy sounds like Garbage.1 -
chocolate_owl wrote: »You should also block his number, stop getting text messages from him. My daughter had to do that two years ago. My advice is to cut off any and all contact.
Thanks. I have tried, but it's so hard. He gets depressed and has been suicidal in the past and I'm scared that he might do something stupid.
That is kind of you to be concerned, but by the sounds of it, he is using that as a control tool. I've seen it done. Don't fall for it. And if he seriously is depressed and/or suicidal, he should get help. This is not your responsibility. That might sound harsh, but it's the truth.
To be completely honest, I never block him entirely as I am half waiting for the day he realises he loves me. Or I feel that if he knows he still has me then he will be less likely to get with other women. Stupid I know. And then i do worry for his mental health. He has huge eyes, and when he's sad he looks so innocent and lost and it just breaks my heart. The thought of him feeling sad if I blocked him entirely hurts me more than it would hurt him I think. But I do know that cutting contact is really the only way forward.
Why does love suck so much sometimes ;-(
That's not love. You're codependent and manipulated into feeling guilt, but you're not in love. And he will never realize he loves you, because the most valuable thing you are to him is a dog he can kick.
This is not a person who builds you up or encourages you to be a better version of yourself. This is not someone who sees the beauty in you as you are. This is someone who guilt-trips you to control you. He will not feel sad if you block him; he will be angry he no longer has a toy to play with. He will not miss you if you're out of his life; he will feel frustrated that there's not someone to belittle to make himself feel powerful. The longer you're with him and the more control you give him, the worse he will treat you, and the more of your own life you'll miss out on.
Thankyou, that made sense.
This forum has helped me remarkably. People seem to understand the situation without knowing and and will say a lot of stuff that makes sense without me even mentioning certain things that have happened. Which makes me think it's true, that he has just been using me.
He went on three dates with this blonde girl that didn't want to see him again, and cried about it to his friends and colleagues and talked about her. I have been seeing him for nearly two years and he has never mentioned me to anyone.
Doctors that I work with have met my family. Been to my house. Know all about me. And they are just work colleagues. I have been seeing him for two years and he doesn't know my address, my friends of family, or even my surname. All he does is talk about himself. He has never once asked about me.
I asked him before why we can't be together and he said that he didn't want to get attached. But if that is the case why is he dating other girls telling them he wants a relationship?
When I first posted in this forum I was hoping that people would say he must actually like me, being jealous, and that I should hang on in there.
The opposite has happened but I feel my eyes are opened. I had already realised he doesn't love me. I had already realised I will never be good enough. But it's dawning on me that I am less than nothing to him. He treats me like I am subhuman. And this is why I am overweight. I eat to feel better. And then I hate myself. It won't end until he is out of my life.
I have to cut him out. Hopefully I can replace him with healthy eating and exercise. When I did this briefly before I put on weight as I figured I didn't have him to look good for anymore. But this time it's different this time I will be doing it for me.
It hurts that all I have ever done for that man is been supportive and loved the bones of him. I've made sure he eats properly cleaned his toilet organised counselling for him spoke at length about his problems been tried to please him physically and all I've ever been told is that he "can't get used to me". Mostly he couldn't get used to me being darker than the blondes he usually dated yet he got used to me just fine physically and would get used to me very often. So if I ever do see him again and he tries it I will tell him racial mixing is wrong in his eyes and therefore he shouldn't be mixing with me at all.
Thankyou MFP'ers for opening my eyes x0 -
So this is stressing me out, and when I'm stressed I eat.
I'm a 31 year old RN. Two years ago I met a 32 year old doctor. Handsome, tall, intelligent, sophisticated. I fell for him hard. A few months in he told me I was too heavy. And too dark...that he only really liked blue eyed blondes. I was so in love with him that I kept sleeping with him. But lately I decided I deserve more.
I joined a gym. Reduced my intake of junk. Lost 8lbs. Felt good. Got asked out by another handsome doctor and have the date planned. But I still love the first doctor and probably always will.
So he found out I'm going on the date. At first blocked me on whatsapp then unblocked me and apologised. Chatted for a bit and then asked if I'd like to go out for a drink. I told him no as I have a date. He said leave me alone then so I said I will.
Problem is I adore this man. If I thought for a second he liked me I would go to him. But this has happened before. He told me he loved me once asked me to be his girlfriend (after interrupting a date I hate and threatening the guy).....the next day he acted like it hadn't happened. Went back to ignoring me.
What should I do? I feel like eating a huge pizza! Don't want this to derail me :-(
This is a power game and mentally abusive. Get out now!0 -
Honey, I'm going to be really blunt - you're not a potential girlfriend to this guy, in his eyes you're basically a hooker he doesn't have to pay. That's how he sees you. Convenient no-strings-attached nookie with someone he doesn't feel he owes anything to and doesn't have an emotional connection with.
He manipulates you because he likes free nookie and toilet cleaning, and your adoration plays to his ego. He doesn't care enough about you to hurt himself over you, so forget that rubbish - he knows that he gets you two ways by saying crap like that - it not only makes you afraid for him because you care, it throws enough of a bone to your ego that you'll come back ("Oh, if he's suicidal about me being gone, he must actually care about me!")
You're a toy that he likes to play with at his convenience and put on a shelf when he doesn't. He doesn't like you dating because he doesn't like other kids playing with his toys. But you're not his favourite toy, and when he finds a toy he likes better, you'll be on the kerb with the rest of the toys he's outgrown.
If you cut him lose before he's ready to get rid of you, of course he will throw a tantrum. All little boys throw tantrums when someone takes away a toy they aren't done with. But that doesn't mean he values you, or cares, or will ever change. He's just spoiled and possessive.
You can't be friends with someone like this, he'll have you his way or not at all. There's no point trying to reframe the relationship - there isn't one.
Cut all ties, don't cave into his whining or begging or stupid crap. Just get out. There's nothing redeemable here.2 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Honey, I'm going to be really blunt - you're not a potential girlfriend to this guy, in his eyes you're basically a hooker he doesn't have to pay. That's how he sees you. Convenient no-strings-attached nookie with someone he doesn't feel he owes anything to and doesn't have an emotional connection with.
He manipulates you because he likes free nookie and toilet cleaning, and your adoration plays to his ego. He doesn't care enough about you to hurt himself over you, so forget that rubbish - he knows that he gets you two ways by saying crap like that - it not only makes you afraid for him because you care, it throws enough of a bone to your ego that you'll come back ("Oh, if he's suicidal about me being gone, he must actually care about me!")
You're a toy that he likes to play with at his convenience and put on a shelf when he doesn't. He doesn't like you dating because he doesn't like other kids playing with his toys. But you're not his favourite toy, and when he finds a toy he likes better, you'll be on the kerb with the rest of the toys he's outgrown.
If you cut him lose before he's ready to get rid of you, of course he will throw a tantrum. All little boys throw tantrums when someone takes away a toy they aren't done with. But that doesn't mean he values you, or cares, or will ever change. He's just spoiled and possessive.
You can't be friends with someone like this, he'll have you his way or not at all. There's no point trying to reframe the relationship - there isn't one.
Cut all ties, don't cave into his whining or begging or stupid crap. Just get out. There's nothing redeemable here.Alatariel75 wrote: »Honey, I'm going to be really blunt - you're not a potential girlfriend to this guy, in his eyes you're basically a hooker he doesn't have to pay. That's how he sees you. Convenient no-strings-attached nookie with someone he doesn't feel he owes anything to and doesn't have an emotional connection with.
He manipulates you because he likes free nookie and toilet cleaning, and your adoration plays to his ego. He doesn't care enough about you to hurt himself over you, so forget that rubbish - he knows that he gets you two ways by saying crap like that - it not only makes you afraid for him because you care, it throws enough of a bone to your ego that you'll come back ("Oh, if he's suicidal about me being gone, he must actually care about me!")
You're a toy that he likes to play with at his convenience and put on a shelf when he doesn't. He doesn't like you dating because he doesn't like other kids playing with his toys. But you're not his favourite toy, and when he finds a toy he likes better, you'll be on the kerb with the rest of the toys he's outgrown.
If you cut him lose before he's ready to get rid of you, of course he will throw a tantrum. All little boys throw tantrums when someone takes away a toy they aren't done with. But that doesn't mean he values you, or cares, or will ever change. He's just spoiled and possessive.
You can't be friends with someone like this, he'll have you his way or not at all. There's no point trying to reframe the relationship - there isn't one.
Cut all ties, don't cave into his whining or begging or stupid crap. Just get out. There's nothing redeemable here.Alatariel75 wrote: »Honey, I'm going to be really blunt - you're not a potential girlfriend to this guy, in his eyes you're basically a hooker he doesn't have to pay. That's how he sees you. Convenient no-strings-attached nookie with someone he doesn't feel he owes anything to and doesn't have an emotional connection with.
He manipulates you because he likes free nookie and toilet cleaning, and your adoration plays to his ego. He doesn't care enough about you to hurt himself over you, so forget that rubbish - he knows that he gets you two ways by saying crap like that - it not only makes you afraid for him because you care, it throws enough of a bone to your ego that you'll come back ("Oh, if he's suicidal about me being gone, he must actually care about me!")
You're a toy that he likes to play with at his convenience and put on a shelf when he doesn't. He doesn't like you dating because he doesn't like other kids playing with his toys. But you're not his favourite toy, and when he finds a toy he likes better, you'll be on the kerb with the rest of the toys he's outgrown.
If you cut him lose before he's ready to get rid of you, of course he will throw a tantrum. All little boys throw tantrums when someone takes away a toy they aren't done with. But that doesn't mean he values you, or cares, or will ever change. He's just spoiled and possessive.
You can't be friends with someone like this, he'll have you his way or not at all. There's no point trying to reframe the relationship - there isn't one.
Cut all ties, don't cave into his whining or begging or stupid crap. Just get out. There's nothing redeemable here.
Thankyou, this post hit home again. Everything you said made sense.
I am his toy to play with....he did it before where he said he loved me and wanted me to get me away from a guy I was dating and then when I went to him immediately changed his mind. He didn't want me at all, he just didn't want the other guy to have me.
I am of shockingly low value to him. One time, I parked in his car park and I asked if I needed a permit. He swore to me you didn't need a permit. Yet when I was in his apartment I found a letter on the kitchen table stating all residents had to know you needed a permit to park. So I got a ticket, which he promised to pay. He never did. And yet this blonde girl he dated, he paid for everything for her and bought her flowers etc. He's never even bought me a drink.
Allowing myself to feel angry and feel the pain is helping. Although I wouldn't say I'm over him your post struck a chord so much that I feel enraged at him. I am going to try to keep this feeing of rage so that I can use it as protection f he contacts me. And, will obviously block and delete.
Thankyou for your post xxx
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Thankyou, this is great advice. I always felt that I deserved the substandard treatment because I'm so fat and ugly that I was lucky a guy in his league was even considering me. But I'm starting to think that's the problem, I need to work on me. Plan to take time out of dating and build my self esteem a little. Thankyou for your post xxx
All of this^^^ Good for you! Feel free to join us on the Singles Hangout in this section of the forums, we are super supportive, and fun, which will help keep you from falling into old habits.
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Dude sounds like he's mentally a 13 year old girl where relationships are concerned. Drop his *kitten*. You'll think yourself later.0
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You make plenty good money. You don't need his. He doesn't need his either. Nurses and doctors have the most creative, devious, and demented minds. Use yours.0
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The guy is cancer.0
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2011rocket3touring wrote: »The guy is cancer.
For me he is yeah x0 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »You make plenty good money. You don't need his. He doesn't need his either. Nurses and doctors have the most creative, devious, and demented minds. Use yours.
I was never with him for his money, although he earns way more than me I paid for everything. I know a lot of demented health professionals haha0
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