Unsupportive partners/spouses?
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Mine is supportive in theory, but undermines my efforts every. single. time. If I actually tell him I have a structured plan to manage my eating habits, he will, without exception, come home that evening with cake or cookies or something that he has bought just for me! He doesn't even know he does this, but he does. So this time I'm just not saying anything and then doing all of the meal planning and shopping on my own.
And don't even get me started with the sabotage that comes with trying to work out!
Yup. Same here.2 -
Some years back, I was in a co-dependent relationship I mistook for friendship. Thinking back now, I still wince a bit when I remember what that was like. She became disabled and gained a certain amount of weight. I was heavy back then myself and doing Weight Watchers. And as I began to lose weight and look better, she would find ways to sabotage me. Her mother sent over banana cake? "Here. You have some. Come on, I can't eat this much and it's too good to throw out."
And if I politely turned her down, explained that I didn't want to go over my points, etc? "You mean you're NEVER going to have cake again? Seriously?"
(Yes. I know what a strawman argument is now. But back then? Co-dependent and cowed.)
I realize that it was probably a combination of her feeling depressed over gaining and not being able to take it off and on some level feeling threatened by my then-success. At the time, though, I usually caved in, had the cake, felt so upset at blowing my points that I went and ate more and... yeah. Sigh.7 -
I would say that I can relate to a lot of you here. Feel free to add me for support.3
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Im glad I saw this thread. I am trying to get back on the diet wagon after having not seriously made any progress since november (as well as gaining back a bit over christmas) And it has made me remember that when I started back in march of last year, I had to resolve to do it on my own and not let anyone else's food or shopping choices derail me. It was really important because my family are all overweight and we always end up sabotaging each other and ourselves with our terrible eating habits. But if I am gonna make this happen, I need to ignor my dad's chips and crackers and my mom's bacon cheeseburgers and separate my meal planning from my sister's and concentrate on what I need to do for myself. I did it before and lost 80 lbs between march and november. I can do it again.
I hope you can find a way to make it work for you as well. It is a very hard thing to do but necessary and very well worth it.8 -
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and comments. Let's support each other! We can do this!2
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If you stick with it long enough they might BECOME supportive, or at least not sabotage you anymore. When I first started my husband was cautiously optimistic but also didn't seem to think I'd stick with it- but I did. Then he went through a slightly sabotage like stage where he would offer me unhealthy treats- pizza, chocolate, chips, wine... one time he even stuck a freshly poured glass of wine right under my nose when he knew I had decided to quit alcohol until I reach my goal weight! But each time I politely declined or if I did indulge would be sure to make a point of only having a small portion and entering it into myfitnesspal. He eventually stopped doing that stuff. Then he actually got inspired by me and wanted to start getting healthy and lose weight too- he did go to the gym for about a month and cut out a little junk food and drank a little less, but but when he realized it takes a lot of effort and results came very slowly, he quickly fell back into his old eating habits and cancelled his gym membership. That took a special kind of willpower to have my spouse decide to get on board and join me in my journey only to see him fail and relapse- but to keep going myself. Now he is excited for me that I am still going and getting results, but he constantly complains that he is fat and looks for validation from me that it's ok that he's overweight and that I love him anyways.
I'm sure my experience is not unique. But I'm proud that I have been able to do this by myself, for myself.15 -
courtneyfabulous wrote: »If you stick with it long enough they might BECOME supportive, or at least not sabotage you anymore. When I first started my husband was cautiously optimistic but also didn't seem to think I'd stick with it- but I did. Then he went through a slightly sabotage like stage where he would offer me unhealthy treats- pizza, chocolate, chips, wine... one time he even stuck a freshly poured glass of wine right under my nose when he knew I had decided to quit alcohol until I reach my goal weight! But each time I politely declined or if I did indulge would be sure to make a point of only having a small portion and entering it into myfitnesspal. He eventually stopped doing that stuff. Then he actually got inspired by me and wanted to start getting healthy and lose weight too- he did go to the gym for about a month and cut out a little junk food and drank a little less, but but when he realized it takes a lot of effort and results came very slowly, he quickly fell back into his old eating habits and cancelled his gym membership. That took a special kind of willpower to have my spouse decide to get on board and join me in my journey only to see him fail and relapse- but to keep going myself. Now he is excited for me that I am still going and getting results, but he constantly complains that he is fat and looks for validation from me that it's ok that he's overweight and that I love him anyways.
I'm sure my experience is not unique. But I'm proud that I have been able to do this by myself, for myself.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think we can all relate in some way. Good for you that you stuck with your routine! It is not an easy task.2 -
angiejim0415 wrote: »My husband is so sweet, but ever since we met, I've been telling him I was trying to eat healthy and lose weight. To this day he brings me home candy and sodas because he thinks he's doing something nice for me. I love that he's thinking about me, but I wish he'd bring me home an edible arrangement or a v8 or something instead. To top it off, the man LOVES junk food. So its a constant battle when were trying to compromise on what to eat.
I have an insatiable sweet tooth. My husband knows this. Even when I'm trying to be good and he knows it he brings stuff more than usual. I think it's time for a serious conversation about this. I'm starting to think is consciously or subconsciously trying to SABOTAGE???
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My spouse isn't necessarily critical but she thinks I go at it too hard sometimes. Whenever I tell her I'm going for a 2nd workout, she always gives me the side eye. We are newlyweds, however, and just really learning to live with each other. All you can do is stick with your routine and hopefully, you'll begin to rub off on him more. But Niner Buff nailed it home. Close friends and relatives are usually the worst people you can turn to for support. Sites like MFP are great because you can exchange ideas and struggles with the people who are fighting the same battles as you.6
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Yes! I tell mine I'm working on eating better and working out and I can just read from the little grin he gives what he's thinking and it's so irritating. Then yes when I'm on a role he's like "let's go out to eat, I bought you some wine, let's have that spaghetti you love". It's not intentional but I think down inside they just are a little insecure/worried about the other half making healthy choices and they're not there yet. I decided that when I finally stick to it and make great changes he might do the same and at least I'll feel good and will be able to give him the support I know will make him do better.2
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A year ago when I began the journey he was openly skeptical as he'd seen me start stuff and give up so many times.
His attitude was pretty stinky to be honest at the start and it actually added fuel to my determination to do it.
Gradually he became more and more supportive and then my main cheerleader! I hit goal in the summer and that's when he suddenly decided to do it (MFP) himself and he hit his goal at Christmas! I couldn't believe my luck as I'd never nagged him to do it!15 -
hamstertango wrote: »A year ago when I began the journey he was openly skeptical as he'd seen me start stuff and give up so many times.
His attitude was pretty stinky to be honest at the start and it actually added fuel to my determination to do it.
Gradually he became more and more supportive and then my main cheerleader! I hit goal in the summer and that's when he suddenly decided to do it (MFP) himself and he hit his goal at Christmas! I couldn't believe my luck as I'd never nagged him to do it!
Thanks for sharing your story. That is awesome that you stuck with your routine and met your goals! That is great that he is now on the bandwagon.1 -
Inspired by this tread to be a better girlfriend!! We are both trying to lose weight and gain muscle but yesterday he didn't gym before work because I was too tired and he doesn't drive, didn't swim in the evening instead because I didn't want to and then I made cake.
Although he could learn to drive and he could've just had one slice instead of half the cake but it's easier much easier to be good if you do it together.7 -
Inspired by this tread to be a better girlfriend!! We are both trying to lose weight and gain muscle but yesterday he didn't gym before work because I was too tired and he doesn't drive, didn't swim in the evening instead because I didn't want to and then I made cake.
Although he could learn to drive and he could've just had one slice instead of half the cake but it's easier much easier to be good if you do it together.
Haha yes. I think you will both achieve your goals more quickly if you stop skipping workouts and start skipping the cake
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Happy Hump Day!0
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Hey friend!!
I do know the difficulty of an unsupportive partner. My guy is thin as a rail and has a metabolism like a bullet train! He eats like crap most of the time, and encourages me to join in saying it's OK here and there...until it turns into a regular occurrence. I put on a lot of weight in 2016, and he helped me do it--obviously my own choices, but he helped. Now that he's realized how bad my weight gain was, I can't lose fast enough for him. He thinks it should be easy for me to lose because it's hard for him to gain, and he thinks it should be "not overnight but faster than it's going" so he assumes I'm cheating my meals and not exercising enough, even though I work out with him 2-3 times a week and about as many times on my own. It's beyond frustrating, but it does help to remember that, even though it hurts that he isn't so patient or supportive of me, I'm doing the right stuff for myself and I will get to a better place with time.
Anyhoo, I'm working on it, and I see you doing great things on my feed every day...just keep doing what you're doing! It's truly an inspiration to me when I see you and other friends being consistent and working hard. That's where I get my support and motivation from when I'm not finding it at home
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My husband has never in the history of time been remotely supportive at all. I no longer share any thing with this man. If I am sad, angry, stressed, anxious, in a panic, needing love, affection, a listening ear etc... I know better than to approach him. It hurts to know that the one person I should be able to count on is the one person I definitely can't. However I support him in all that he does none the less. One day he will wish he would have done things differently.9
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My husband is a believer in the (stupid) myth that women can't lift heavy weights cause they'll bulk up.
So needless to say I can't share my awesome personal bests or excitement at the doms afterwards etc. All of my food choices are apparently wrong...
he does however enjoy our improved sex life. And my weight loss has done wonders for my confidence2 -
Yes, it is sometimes true that men can be clueless and selfish when it comes to being supportive. I internalize a lot of what I think and feel. Sometimes it's better that way. You can only change you.3
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Karen_can_do_this wrote: »My husband is a believer in the (stupid) myth that women can't lift heavy weights cause they'll bulk up.
So needless to say I can't share my awesome personal bests or excitement at the doms afterwards etc. All of my food choices are apparently wrong...
he does however enjoy our improved sex life. And my weight loss has done wonders for my confidence
I can totally relate to what you're saying. It sucks that he is not there throughout your journey, not just at the end.
Weight loss does wonders in the confidence department and it's awesome!0
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