Feel Too Fat To Date
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Unlike the OP, I don't think that my extra weight will keep me from dating, but I know I have dysmorphia (and think a fair number of people do), and am trying to work through my personal issues with how I view my body. In the meanwhile I am moving as much as I can and making better choices about what I eat.
I will say that it IS scary to be "back in the game" after being out of it for so long. I never thought that I would be dating again in my 40s--it's almost unfair--but I guess we all know life isn't fair. I work hard and play hard and I want my attitude to reflect that instead of being fearful that when other people look at me they see the me that I see when I look in the mirror. We are certainly our own worse critics.0 -
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Look_Its_Kriss wrote: »I lost 117 pounds and the person mentally i thought i was going to be when i finished turned out to not be anymore confident, confidence is a skill learned and applied, Ive been at goal weight for a long time now but i know if i had to put myself out there to find a man again like years ago when i was bigger, my issues would still be the same.. i still look at myself negatively, so it wasnt that i was fat before, it was because i didnt value myself enough as a person or think i was worthy as a human and thats from years or letting people around me who treated me horrible for their own personal gain, convince me of that, im still working on that aspect, but as a skinny person now.. i know i would still feel unworthy, i have loose skin, i have belly fat still, i dont look anything like i thought i would look like when i lost the weight, these would all be reasons i would think i would be unworthy of going out on dates, but im the one telling myself these things, if i had the confidence in myself to know that i am an amazing person on the inside, i would know that a man getting to know me for me wouldn't have the problems with the things i think are my problems.
^^^ When I first lost weight and had guys whistling up a storm and flirting like crazy in college, I still felt "fat". I have always had self-confidence in my intelligence, ingenuity, and talents but confidence in my looks never surfaced. Arrogant? Yes.. very. When guys asked me if I knew I was hot, I would roll my eyes and respond with a bitchy "DUH." But I never "felt" hot. I think my rudeness was my attempt to keep them at bay so I wouldnt get hurt. I only dated guys that were bigger and less attractive than me. Partially because I just didnt care what others looked like, only what I looked like. But mostly because it made me feel pretty. I look back at my old pics and think, "Why the hell did I ever think I was ugly!!!" But I know that when I lose this weight, I will be right back where I was before.. But this time, Im ok with this cause I dont feel the need to impress others. For once this is all for me.0 -
Laurie6578 wrote: »I understand the feeling of wanting to hide because of weight. I put off walking and going to the beach or out anywhere because of my size. I still feel uncomfortable with it unless my daughter, who thinks I'm perfect the way I am and isn't embarrassed by me (bless her), goes with me. She goes EVERYWHERE with me. I still won't go certain places still even with her..like to the gym.
As for dating, I like being single. Every time I have dated it ended up with me just getting pissed at the guy for thinking he can waltz in and "parent" my kids. Especially my son. Every one felt my son should be more masculine and man up. My son is a physics nerd, not a mechanic or into NASCAR and football. When it comes to my children, I'm selfish and don't share well. They are exactly how I like them.
@reaverie ~ Good for you for loving your kids the way they are!! I have a son who was different when he was young. He grew up to be the most amazing person, caring person who makes this a better world to live in for everyone.
Thank you. I encouraged them early on to be confident in themselves. I didnt have that growing up. Teachers, grandparents, aunts and uncles.. preachers wife.. All had to ask me why I couldnt be as pretty or as skinny or as talented as my sister. When my kids were born, I saw perfection in them both. I tease and call them my Yin and Yang. My son's more laid back, calm and helpful nature and my daughters fiery temper. I tell them that both personalities are required to accomplish anything in life and together they will be unstoppable. He is the voice of reason and she is the force when all reason fails.1 -
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Yep I'm in the same boat. Now I refuse to date until I lose more weight and I'm happy with myself. It's sad really…0
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Everyone has their own preferences of what they will date and won't date when it comes to what the body of the opposite sex looks like. I had a woman tell me I was small (we had never seen each other naked, so don't go there pervs), and I have had a couple tell me I was borderline too big (when I was a tad smaller than I am now). Whatever your body size, there will be some that find it attractive and some that don't. But don't go into it trying to hide your body until you meet in person, that's just manipulative. Own it and find someone that is attracted to it.1
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One thing is for sure, there are many, many profiles pictures that were taken 10 years and 30 pounds ago. It is expected really, in my age group anyway. Most of the guys I met were older and heavier than their pictures indicated. As long as your photos are not too misleading, I would not worry about it. Have confidence in yourself at any weight!0
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Maybe try more chatty sites at first. Having plans set is good way to stay on diet too. Also, you can get the date and then cancel if you are not comfortable.0
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frannieshack wrote: »One thing is for sure, there are many, many profiles pictures that were taken 10 years and 30 pounds ago. It is expected really, in my age group anyway. Most of the guys I met were older and heavier than their pictures indicated. As long as your photos are not too misleading, I would not worry about it. Have confidence in yourself at any weight!
I once talked to a woman who looked pretty fit and had pics of her in the gym. When we met...
"Those were before I had to have shoulder surgery about 6 months ago and gained 20 lbs. But I will get back to that."
That was about two years ago. Needless to say, we never dated. You prove yourself to be manipulative right off the bat, and it isn't going to happen. But I do have her on fb, and she recently got into bikes with her bf of a year. We will chat occasionally. Her goal is not to get back down to where she was when we met. Rather than "getting back to that" she instead put on 20 more lbs.
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After my divorce (and 3 kids), I was nervous to date because of my size. I wasn't terribly overweight, but I knew I was by no means the kind of woman a man was looking for.
I was wrong...
Men like what they like. You would be surprised. I never hid who I was from anyone.
I'd get back out there if I were you. It can actually be confident building once you realize that there are people out there who see you as beautiful even if you don't.
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Doesn't matter if you are or your not, if you feel it, its true.0
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Soon2BeSkinny321 wrote: »Are any of you in the same boat as me where you won't even consider dating until you lose more weight because you just don't feel confident about dating at your current size?
I understand. But I've come to learn that if people aren't going to accept me now, what does that say about them if they would accept me only after I was in better shape. Same could be said for EVERY aspect of ourselves.
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Soon2BeSkinny321 wrote: »Are any of you in the same boat as me where you won't even consider dating until you lose more weight because you just don't feel confident about dating at your current size? I put a dating profile up & was blown away by my how many guys messaged me. But...I didn't feel comfortable putting full body pics up so they were just seeing headshots of me & Im guessing they probably assume Im much thinner then I really am. Only had profile up for a few days & then took it down cuz what's the point when I know men are visual creatures and my body does not look good right now.
I'd definitely need to lose a LOT of weight to start dating
don't tell my wife i said that
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Yes. I completely feel this way. I've gone out on a couple dates since I've become single but I wasn't confident enough to actually go out with the guys I was actually attracted to...0
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Wow. Humanity is cancer.Look_Its_Kriss wrote: »...I grew up as the ugly girl. I had to be very careful around guys because a lot of them were uncomfortable even being friends with me for fear i might start liking them. I was told things like they would commit suicide if i ever did. I was told that it was very insulting for a girl like me to like a guy. I had guys bigger then me tell me i was the fattest thing ever because as a girl, i shouldn't be fat. I didn't date my first guy until i was 21 and i lost my virginity to him only because by that age i was convinced that no one else would want it. And even til my late 20's people would yell horrible things out of their car windows at me because my weight was bothering them and they felt i shouldn't even be allowed outside...0 -
If it's any comfort, I feel exactly the same. I'm a big guy, and have no confidence with women at all. I've been single for almost a year and sometimes feel that ill be alone for the rest of my life.0
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Feel too fat? Yes, I do. Every day.0
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I know it's hard to do, but sometimes you just have to put yourself out there. Different people are attracted to different things, it's cli che but there's someone out there for everybody, someone is bound to find you attractive. I know plenty of men who . nd bigger women attractive, and actually prefer that size.
Also, even if you lose weight and become thinner some people will still find a way to complain about a physical trait you have. If it's not your weight they'll find something else not to like about you.
I know the struggle, but you have to find a way to be comfortable in your own skin. I struggle with it every day, but you have to own and be proud of who you are. if someone doesnt like you because of your weight just think of it as them doing you a favor,now you know they would have been a waste of time.0 -
There is a soulmate for everyone but you wont find them when you lock yourself in and throw away the key1
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I can sympathize with how you are feeling. I started online dating and feel the same way. I don't think my pictures are misleading, but I still feel like I need to get where I feel my best before continuing down that path.0
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djeffreys10 wrote: »frannieshack wrote: »One thing is for sure, there are many, many profiles pictures that were taken 10 years and 30 pounds ago. It is expected really, in my age group anyway. Most of the guys I met were older and heavier than their pictures indicated. As long as your photos are not too misleading, I would not worry about it. Have confidence in yourself at any weight!
I once talked to a woman who looked pretty fit and had pics of her in the gym. When we met...
"Those were before I had to have shoulder surgery about 6 months ago and gained 20 lbs. But I will get back to that."
That was about two years ago. Needless to say, we never dated. You prove yourself to be manipulative right off the bat, and it isn't going to happen. But I do have her on fb, and she recently got into bikes with her bf of a year. We will chat occasionally. Her goal is not to get back down to where she was when we met. Rather than "getting back to that" she instead put on 20 more lbs.
I've never understood people who lie about their looks if they're planning on meeting in person. If you're not honest before you even meet, why would anyone want to date you?
I believe that, many just hope that their personality'll win; them over!0 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »frannieshack wrote: »One thing is for sure, there are many, many profiles pictures that were taken 10 years and 30 pounds ago. It is expected really, in my age group anyway. Most of the guys I met were older and heavier than their pictures indicated. As long as your photos are not too misleading, I would not worry about it. Have confidence in yourself at any weight!
I once talked to a woman who looked pretty fit and had pics of her in the gym. When we met...
"Those were before I had to have shoulder surgery about 6 months ago and gained 20 lbs. But I will get back to that."
That was about two years ago. Needless to say, we never dated. You prove yourself to be manipulative right off the bat, and it isn't going to happen. But I do have her on fb, and she recently got into bikes with her bf of a year. We will chat occasionally. Her goal is not to get back down to where she was when we met. Rather than "getting back to that" she instead put on 20 more lbs.
I've never understood people who lie about their looks if they're planning on meeting in person. If you're not honest before you even meet, why would anyone want to date you?
I believe that, many just hope that their personality'll win; them over!
Yup probably. I wonder if it ever happens. All I know is you lie to me before we even meet, I'm not gonna be interested.
I agree because if someone's already "obviously" lying concerning something, what're they then potentially also lying about that; isn't "obvious"?0 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »frannieshack wrote: »One thing is for sure, there are many, many profiles pictures that were taken 10 years and 30 pounds ago. It is expected really, in my age group anyway. Most of the guys I met were older and heavier than their pictures indicated. As long as your photos are not too misleading, I would not worry about it. Have confidence in yourself at any weight!
I once talked to a woman who looked pretty fit and had pics of her in the gym. When we met...
"Those were before I had to have shoulder surgery about 6 months ago and gained 20 lbs. But I will get back to that."
That was about two years ago. Needless to say, we never dated. You prove yourself to be manipulative right off the bat, and it isn't going to happen. But I do have her on fb, and she recently got into bikes with her bf of a year. We will chat occasionally. Her goal is not to get back down to where she was when we met. Rather than "getting back to that" she instead put on 20 more lbs.
I've never understood people who lie about their looks if they're planning on meeting in person. If you're not honest before you even meet, why would anyone want to date you?
I believe that, many just hope that their personality'll win; them over!
Yup probably. I wonder if it ever happens. All I know is you lie to me before we even meet, I'm not gonna be interested.
Agree because if someone's already "obviously" lying concerning, something what're they potentially also lying about that; isn't "obvious"?
Lying liars who lie. There's lots out there.
Oddly I was told by some men that potentially I, shouldn't mention my disability until after I've seen someone; since I wasn't having any luck finding anyone & I, told them but it's debilitating & thus'd affect their lives, so I am not going to; waste someone's time, feelings, money or mine! Apparently I was, too real; for them & they, didn't like it because they then couldn't use truth against me for, not desiring to; date me!0 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »frannieshack wrote: »One thing is for sure, there are many, many profiles pictures that were taken 10 years and 30 pounds ago. It is expected really, in my age group anyway. Most of the guys I met were older and heavier than their pictures indicated. As long as your photos are not too misleading, I would not worry about it. Have confidence in yourself at any weight!
I once talked to a woman who looked pretty fit and had pics of her in the gym. When we met...
"Those were before I had to have shoulder surgery about 6 months ago and gained 20 lbs. But I will get back to that."
That was about two years ago. Needless to say, we never dated. You prove yourself to be manipulative right off the bat, and it isn't going to happen. But I do have her on fb, and she recently got into bikes with her bf of a year. We will chat occasionally. Her goal is not to get back down to where she was when we met. Rather than "getting back to that" she instead put on 20 more lbs.
I've never understood people who lie about their looks if they're planning on meeting in person. If you're not honest before you even meet, why would anyone want to date you?
I believe that, many just hope that their personality'll win; them over!
Yup probably. I wonder if it ever happens. All I know is you lie to me before we even meet, I'm not gonna be interested.
Agree because if someone's already "obviously" lying concerning, something what're they potentially also lying about that; isn't "obvious"?
Lying liars who lie. There's lots out there.
Oddly I was told by some men that potentially I, shouldn't mention my disability until after I've seen someone; since I wasn't having any luck finding anyone & I told them but it's debilitating & thus'd affect their lives, so I am not going to; waste someone's time, feelings, money or mine! Apparently I was, too real; for them & they, didn't like it because they then couldn't use truth against me for, not desiring to; date me!
Wow, that's crazy they said that. Sounds like you are right on about why they'd want you to not disclose that.
Well they had to form some excuse to run to their Mommy's with when, they'd eventually complain that their Son hasn't began; a family of his own: "But Mom it, ain't my fault that; women don't like me & lie." lol!
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I met my husband via online dating (OK Cupid) and I was sooooo nervous to actually meet because of my weight at the time. I mentioned I wasn't a "skinny girl" but we all know that can mean a lot of different things. I also mentioned the reasons behind my weight gain (former BF passed away suddenly and I fell apart and gave up on me)...and ummm yeah we are married now and I know I met my sole-mate. Trust your instincts and gut feelings about meeting, the right one won't honestly care and will have your back on your weight-loss journey...hold out for that
and good luck 
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Are there any ladies from Oklahoma on here? I'm a single male 57 in Oklahoma City I would love to have a walking buddy or just friends.
have
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Look_Its_Kriss wrote: »I lost 117 pounds and the person mentally i thought i was going to be when i finished turned out to not be anymore confident, confidence is a skill learned and applied, Ive been at goal weight for a long time now but i know if i had to put myself out there to find a man again like years ago when i was bigger, my issues would still be the same.. i still look at myself negatively, so it wasnt that i was fat before, it was because i didnt value myself enough as a person or think i was worthy as a human and thats from years or letting people around me who treated me horrible for their own personal gain, convince me of that, im still working on that aspect, but as a skinny person now.. i know i would still feel unworthy, i have loose skin, i have belly fat still, i dont look anything like i thought i would look like when i lost the weight, these would all be reasons i would think i would be unworthy of going out on dates, but im the one telling myself these things, if i had the confidence in myself to know that i am an amazing person on the inside, i would know that a man getting to know me for me wouldn't have the problems with the things i think are my problems.
Excellent self analysis. The first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging what's wrong. You can do it. I wish you every success in the future.0 -
You're making assumptions about the guys responding to your profile. Men vary as much as women in what they think, feel, and do. You can't know exactly what other people think when seeing your photo.
What this does reveal is your own insecurity. Hey, I get it. Women who aren't skinny are made to feel we are not worthy of love. By media. By the bullies at school. Sometimes by our own parents. That's only for the skinny girls, right? I call BS.
Going out and putting oneself out there is risking hurt and rejection. But that's true if you're a supermodel, too. Notice that celebrities have breakups, divorces, and heartbreak, too? There's no guarantee that being skinny will save you from hurt. It may be easier to get out there if you feel more confident about your body, but it's really self-worth that helps a person realize that the risks of dating are survivable.
I absolutely think you should put any photo you are comfortable with online. If you want your potential date to know what your body size is, yeah be honest about it. But that's entirely up to you and there's no right answer.
Also realize the guy on "the other side of the screen" is more than likely very similar to you. He's probably a normal guy just as afraid of putting his heart out there. He likely isn't an underwear model.
So here's a brilliant idea: be honest. Of course, sell it in a flattering light...but sell it. You're looking for a normal guy that may be working on his weight like you are. There are a lot of men like that here on MFP why wouldn't there be where you are?
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