Unsupportive partners/spouses?
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Something just clicked, limit reached,or whatever but I just hit the point where I didn't frankly care what he thought/said to me/did anymore.
Frankly what anyone said anymore.
I started saying "No."
"Sure, we can stop at the gas station so you can grab a soda but I am staying in the car so I am not tempted to get a 52 ounce soda."
"You can go to the all you can eat Chinese place,I already ate my dinner but I will have a pot of their hot tea.I adore their hot tea!"
I stopped trying to stop him from bringing me chicken n dumpings from my favorite restaurant. About every 2 weeks or so.I put it in the fridge reheat it the next day and give one half of it to another family member.
I wake up at 4 am to go to the gym, he is still asleep as I get ready so i get to miss all the (clueless on his part but hurtful )compliments to me.
"You are kinda starting to look better." Was one of the nicest ones I remember.
WTF?!! What was I last week . Quasimodo?...whatever...
I eat my breakfast before he wakes up or it is already prepared the night before so if he wishes to go Thur the fast food drive thur that is ok cause I had or have my breakfast with me "oh, ok... I just need a unsweetened tea cause I brought my food with me."
I asked him if he wanted to try MFP. He said "Sure,... but the first time you get on me about what I am eating...I am gone from MFP."
Informed him no one can look at your diaries if you don't want them to. Left it at that and have not mentioned it again to him.
He has an account doesn't use it. It is there if he wishes to use it, or not.
Not my problem.
I need to get healthy,fit, and strong for me, not for anyone else, but for me.
Don't care if any of my family/friends approves, cheers, tries to sabotage me or whatever.
I am just done being unhealthy/obese.
Done.
The button has been pushed,the C4 went off, my view of myself,the wall or mental barrier that held me back is now rubble.
There is nothing left to "FIX" from the "old" me, I am NOT going back there.
Now there is just me...
Stepping away from the rubble and walking very purposefully towards the goals for a healthier, stronger, happier me.
I have my fellow MFP travelers to help keep me accountable and encouraged,for which I will be forever grateful.
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Happy Hump Day!-1
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@Truvanessa Hello!!1
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@Truvanessa Hello!!
Hi Jenni!0 -
My family. Everyone is overweight and has health issues but they just keep talking about being healthy, and don't make any changes or track. Which is fine cause that is on them. But then they individually pull me aside and put my sister's obesity on me like I can somehow caused it, or am responsible for it, or can exercise for her or remove her calories or such. Each and every single person is responsible for maintaining their own body and health. No one can take that on for you, and it isn't fair to ask that of someone else who cannot pick up that burden to do it.4
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Who needs a partner who discourages or makes fun of their goals? That sounds miserable to me!
If it's just a matter of not being as interested in your efforts or unintentionally bringing you down, that's something you can deal with through better communication. But someone actively and purposefully tearing you down? GTFO!
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Thanks everyone for sharing your stories.0
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Perhaps I'm too much of an idealist but I would seriously question my entire relationship with that person if they threw any negativity whatsoever in my direction for trying to better myself. Whether its a passive aggressive style joke or full blown sabotage - if you love someone, you support them and their goals regardless of whether you understand them or join them on the journey. This is completely wrong and a form of an emotionally unbalanced person/relationship.7
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I'm dealing with this right now. We moved in together not to long ago. He's a chef, so everything is about food. If I don't eat something he makes, he makes me feel guilty like I don't support him.
Recently when I noticed my weight just kept climbing I finally decided to just say no. If he got upset, sorry dude. You'd be more upset if I died young because of my weight.
It been rough, he says he's all for me losing weight, but complains when I don't eat dinner with him, or go out to eat with him, or have a beer with him, or go to the gym.
Any suggestions on making him understand how important being healthy and losing weight means to me?1 -
samuelgina91 wrote: »My family. Everyone is overweight and has health issues but they just keep talking about being healthy, and don't make any changes or track. Which is fine cause that is on them. But then they individually pull me aside and put my sister's obesity on me like I can somehow caused it, or am responsible for it, or can exercise for her or remove her calories or such. Each and every single person is responsible for maintaining their own body and health. No one can take that on for you, and it isn't fair to ask that of someone else who cannot pick up that burden to do it.
My grandmother pulls me aside to express worry about my mother's weight and yet when we eat with her she is always pushing my mom to have seconds or 'just finish this bit' or is putting extra food on your plate. You are absolutely right that the only person you are responsible for is you.
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I'm dealing with this right now. We moved in together not to long ago. He's a chef, so everything is about food. If I don't eat something he makes, he makes me feel guilty like I don't support him.
Recently when I noticed my weight just kept climbing I finally decided to just say no. If he got upset, sorry dude. You'd be more upset if I died young because of my weight.
It been rough, he says he's all for me losing weight, but complains when I don't eat dinner with him, or go out to eat with him, or have a beer with him, or go to the gym.
Any suggestions on making him understand how important being healthy and losing weight means to me?
It's awesome that he's a chef. I would totally take advantage of that and eat dinner with him! But...eat much smaller portions.
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I always felt my husband kinda sabotaged me too- buying treats, suggesting we go out or order pizza, etc. And usually I would give in so I wouldn't make him feel bad. But last night something clicked. I came home late, around 11pm, and he had ordered pizza even though we had already eaten dinner. He acted excited about having ordered it, and for the first time I asked myself WHY he was excited about having done something we both agreed not to do. And I realized- he didn't get the pizza for me, even though he said he did. He got it for himself, but made himself feel better about it (and avoided what he assumed would be a negative comment from me) by acting like it was something nice he did for me.
So this time I didn't have any. He felt really bad, so of course I then felt bad that HE felt bad! But he admitted that what he really felt bad about was the fact he had given in to his cravings...not that I said no to something he offered me. I've spent a lot of time and effort trying to make us healthy lunches and dinners so I asked, "What can I do to help us not do this so often" He ended up telling me that he gets late-night munchies, tries to ignore them, and ends up binging on junk food. So now I'm finding more "munchy foods" that he/we can have when those munchies hit. Stove-popped popcorn, trail mix...idk, still thinking of ideas, lol! And I plan to add more veggies to dinner so he can eat more and stay full longer, while not adding so many cals that there's no room for snacking later.
Anyway, I know the "sabotage struggle" will continue but I wanted to share this because I was happily surprised how honest he was with me about the issue just by me asking. Not in an angry, "Why are you doing this to me?!" way, but a "okay, let's sit down and talk about this because I'm concerned for both of us" way. And now that that's out in the open, I feel like I can better deal with it. No more guilt from saying no, and we can find ways to prevent it from happening as often now that we know what the problem is. I know not everyone's situation is like this but if you think your SO has good intentions but for some inexplicable reason keeps bringing home treats for you...it might be worth a shot 11 -
Yay!! It's the weekend!-1
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Hi everyone so my spouse IS very supportive and sweet, I can't really complain! I even see him *slowly* adopting some lifestyle and food changes.
HOWEVER, I was wondering how I can motivate HIM? I myself have no problem with motivation, I love working out 5 times a week. I would love him to come with me to the gym sometimes, but he's just not into that (he plays football once a week and occasionally does push-ups). I don't know if it sounds silly, but I would just LOVE it if he is more athletic and muscular (he's now rather thin).
The only way I can think of is if I become more athletic, and it serves as an inspiration for him Well, I'm working on that but am also open to other ideas?
(Oh and we also got some weights, resistance bands etc. to use at home, but for the moment it's only me who's using them.)
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Hi guys! Thanks for sharing your stories and experiences. This forum was set up for people to share their stories and to support each other. Everyone is entitled to their opinions but please try not to be judgemental.1
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Sorry, it's probably not the right thread... maybe I should have posted a new one to COMPLAIN about how my Husband looks?!? Wow!
I thought it's the one where we're talking about couples and motivation. And it seems to me that working out with the person you love would be amazing, just like everything else that a couple shares and has a passion for.
And obviously, I only said that I would love it if he's more muscular (just as many women will agree, and just as - I'm sure! - he loves my body more now, as opposed to when I was not working out)
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My partner isn't unsupportive, but oblivious about these sorts of things. He'll worry that I'm not eating enough if he doesn't see me eating. I have never had disordered eating, so there isn't a basis for this. I also eat enough - sometimes a little bit more than I should, although that's been getting better since I've been tracking my food.Geocitiesuser wrote: »Support from others is "nice" but should never dictate your outcome.
I feel as if this is ignoring a lot of variables that come into play. I'm the type who can be hyperfocused on my goal, but I can sympathize with people who struggle because somebody else is outright trying to sabotage them, or whose lifestyle habits make it harder to effect change.
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I have found that an un-supportive partner is an insecure partner... I was in a toxic relationship like that years ago. I went to the gym a lot to work out and just workout. However my gf at the time would always say "You're just going there to pick up girls!" No matter how much I would try to tell her that I was there for me and my health and well being there was just no convincing her of that. I offered for her to come and join in with me and she refused..
Thankfully that relationship is long history and I now have a wife who works out with me either at the same time or at a different time. No more insecure people for this guy!!! Of course this is just my opinion and how I was reading into it at the time time and still believe that the non support from your partner is their own insecurities with themselves..2 -
I think my husband supports me into exercising because of my many back problems, he doesn't complain when i leave the house 3 times per week. But he is not the one person that tells me let's go to the gym on weekends or let's eat salad for dinner. I don't push him to do them (i gave up trying!!) and i've learnt to respect his viewpoints mainly when it comes to eat better ; although I'd love for him to join me and do yoga and pilates with me. (he would benefit tremendously). So I say and affirm; this is my battle, my goals to reach and my desire, and I'm doing this without his full support. Hopefully by reading all these threads and befriend awesome supporters, i will keep motivated and reach my goals to become more fit.2
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jaenders06 wrote: »He makes me feel selfish because he has to help more with the housework because I want to make time for the gym.
Isn't it his house as well? What decade is this?!
My SO is supportive and complimentary of the changes I've made in the last 12 months, although he had a little bit of a wobble early on about me 'looking better & leaving him' (think this was a joke though
). Like others have mentioned about their partners he can be a bit of a feeder, and would like me to weigh a bit more ( I'm 5'7" and 130lb so not underweight or anything) - I think he sees the weighing food as ED territory, despite acknowledging that it would do him good to watch his calorie intake himself. I think he misses his drinking buddy as well, as I've cut that as it encourages me to make poor food choices.
In the end he has respect for me and my decisions (and does his share of the housework lol)3 -
I am dealing with this as we speak!1
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The TRUTH of it is that many SO/partners don't really care about your journey. They don't want to join you nor change their own lives in order to accommodate change. To expect them to would be expecting too much. Sure you'd like them to be on board, but like many hobbies, it has to be something that person wants to do too. If not, then don't burden them with your needs. JUST GET IT DONE ON YOUR OWN. Whether you have support or not, it can't be an excuse. Everything begins and ends with you.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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My husband has always been naturally thin. He actually talks about wanting to put on weight. He doesn't make fun of me but he's also not really supportive or cheering me on. He thinks I'm fine the way I am and maybe a little incredulous that I'll stick to it. He does react positively when I tell him about a new milestone, but he really doesn't care and seems mostly put out that my healthy eating affects his dinner options since I'm not making two meals for each of us.2
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Thanks for sharing your stories.0
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I could also use some support if anyone would like to talk!!!!!! Add me!!!2
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My husband can be supportive most days but others not so much he's very sarcastic and at times does not think about the things he says or does, in his head he's just joking not a big deal, but to me it can be hurtful. I have learned to call him out on those things that I find hurtful right when he says or does something and point it out to him and he's getting better he truly did not mean to hurt my feelings and the only way he would know is when I told him. Communication is key here people if your so/ spouse continues after you tell them to stop than that's kind of a problem no one who is your partner should intentionally put you down but they won't stop until you tell them to. And they might not realize that what they are doing is hurting you. Good luck3
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My husband is really great at pretending to be supportive. Like he'll talk the talk but he wont walk the walk. Sometimes its hard because I want to cook healthy meals and he wants pizza or burgers or some buffet place. We actually got into an argument over the weekend because he wanted a burger and I didnt...i told him to go get a burger and he refused to if I didnt go too. That is NOT supporting me. I went and got a chicken salad at the another place that doesnt sell burgers and he ordered something else there but I think it was mostly because he wanted me to pay for lunch, not becuase he decided the burger was a bad idea. It was just dumfounding to me that he would actually be mad at me because i wouldnt order a burger.5
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Have a good weekend everyone.0
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angiejim0415 wrote: »My husband is so sweet, but ever since we met, I've been telling him I was trying to eat healthy and lose weight. To this day he brings me home candy and sodas because he thinks he's doing something nice for me. I love that he's thinking about me, but I wish he'd bring me home an edible arrangement or a v8 or something instead. To top it off, the man LOVES junk food. So its a constant battle when were trying to compromise on what to eat.
This! My significant other has a crazy fast metabolism and eats whatever he wants without a second though. He always wants to take me out to eat or tries to order delivery food for the two of us. It's so sweet and thoughtful but it is frustrating when he picks places to eat where there aren't a lot of healthy options.1 -
Thank God my husband is supportive of my efforts....not only does he eat what I cook for dinner...he'll remind me of my goal if I reach for something off target. He is not naturally skinny but he respects my journey and will jump aboard when he feels ready.2
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