Husband advice, please...

2

Replies

  • thebryanmckinley
    thebryanmckinley Posts: 2 Member
    I guess it really boils down to why you don't want her to lose some of her size. Is it truly that you like what she looks like now or that you are afraid that if she gets into shape that other men will begin to notice? Not sure if that is the case, but if it is, support your wife openly and honestly and she will know you are there and it won't matter if other guys are looking. Not trying to be disrespectful to you. Like I said, I don't know if that is the case, but I do know my friend had the same concern when his wife started going to the gym often. He actually did voice almost the same opinion and it was out of lack of confidence. Just know she probably wants to work out for herself AND for you. Hope all goes well and best wishes, but just be supportive of her.
  • Sheisinlove109
    Sheisinlove109 Posts: 516 Member
    Just love her. I am going through big weight loss now and see every part of my body as disgusting. I watched the show "skin tight" last night and was traumatized and had anxiety even though I know that is exactly the direction I'm going.

    If hubby said anything (married for 20 years) I would be forever hurt. It takes every bit of me to be working as hard as I can to get healthy for myself and family and I would find that a huge hurdle and I can't take many more of those.

    Love her, love her every second just the way she is. Chances are she needs support more than anything, as would you :)
  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,578 Member
    raindawg wrote: »
    In the spirit of TMI I'll share my experience. But then again maybe guys perceptions are different. When I put on weight it goes on my backside as well as other places. My wife says she really liked my bubble butt and misses it as it went away as my weight drops. I in no way took that as she'd prefer I stay fat and unhealthy but more of stating a fact of how my body changes with weight loss.

    I think it's ok to mention what you liked and notice what's changing. As long as you're not suggesting she stop pursuing her weight loss goals. It's definitely a balancing act with this one though.

    That's because you are a guy and most likely respond to things differently than most women would
  • JstTheWayIam
    JstTheWayIam Posts: 6,357 Member
    RayReed15 wrote: »
    I have a question about my wife's fitness goals. I love her and I am very attracted to her. I am very proud of her for getting back in shape. However, is it possible for a husband to be supportive and selfish at the same time? There are certain "features" that are disappearing that I am kinda missing. I don't want anyone to think I am not attracted to my wife or anything. How do I approach her and tell her to maybe slow down while still being supportive and proud of her? Thanks

    You are not alone brother...

    My wife has lost a lot of weight and I'm starting to notice the same...

    However having a massive weight loss story myself, I would never discourage her from getting after it... Unless of course she starts to make herself sick...

    Just got to learn how to appreciate the new her and I'm digging it...

    She's a Babe, a Scorpio and a Rooster (grief) but 17yrs and she still puts up with this Gemini Dog...
  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
    socalrock wrote: »
    Health reasons set aside... I've taught my hubby to tell me what he wants, after all he is the ONLY one I'm trying to look good for. I guess it depends on how you look at it and what kind of woman you're dealing with.

    Fully agree. It's called communication.
  • MarineArmyVeteran1978
    MarineArmyVeteran1978 Posts: 69 Member
    Thanks to all who responded. I do love my wife and will always love her for her, not her body. She is a great person, wife, and mother. I would never forget that. I am proud of her. I was, in fact maybe just being a little selfish. Again, I thank you all for your comments.
  • abrubru
    abrubru Posts: 137 Member
    Another poster said chances are that she is noticing the changes as well. These changes are hard for all people to go through--it's like aging--all of a sudden parts are longer or flatter or have hangy skin. Love should be unconditional, and noone can control how they lose weight. First and foremost your wife needs reassurance and love and support.
    However, if you are a weight lifter and your wife has never lifted, AND you have great communication without blaming or anger, you could ask her if she wants to learn to lift. Dead-lift is a great butt builder, and chest press can build the pectoral muscle behind the breast to make them look larger (or perkier). There are ways to work around body changes without making someone feel less than what they are or shaming them.
  • Whit_88
    Whit_88 Posts: 36 Member
    I agree with everyone else, don't tell her. About 4 years ago I was on MFP and had tremendous success, I went from 180 pounds to 136 and felt amazing. Then my family started to tell me I was losing too much, I looked sick etc I overlooked all of them and their comments until my husband said that he missed this or that and that I had lost too much. It broke me. Here I am, again, Now 205 pounds. I feel terrible and don't even know how to get started again. Be supportive of her, help her and always tell her how proud you are of her hard work. Spouses have no clue how much their support and respect means when trying to make these types of changes.
  • Savage__AF
    Savage__AF Posts: 96 Member
    Whit_88 wrote: »
    I agree with everyone else, don't tell her. About 4 years ago I was on MFP and had tremendous success, I went from 180 pounds to 136 and felt amazing. Then my family started to tell me I was losing too much, I looked sick etc I overlooked all of them and their comments until my husband said that he missed this or that and that I had lost too much. It broke me. Here I am, again, Now 205 pounds. I feel terrible and don't even know how to get started again. Be supportive of her, help her and always tell her how proud you are of her hard work. Spouses have no clue how much their support and respect means when trying to make these types of changes.

    I'm sorry to hear this, it's terrible. You'll find your path again and get to where you want to be. Never listen to what someone else wants you to be.
  • EZDUZIT68
    EZDUZIT68 Posts: 1,168 Member
    I think all of the responses here are on target and I agree 100%.

    Having said that, I can't help but wonder what the reaction would be if it were the wife asking about her husband?
  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,578 Member
    My reaction would be the same. Why wouldn't it be? Be positive, be sensitive, be encouraging. That's basic human decency. But in all honesty...what would a man lose that a wife would miss? Love handles? Moobs?
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
    edited March 2017
    You are about to step in a bee hive sir. This is one of those things you should definitely NOT do! The only time you should attempt to thwart a weight loss or diet and exercise effort is if it is dangerous. And right now the only thing dangerous is what you are considering. You can't change her new body but you can change the way you see it. I think you need to keep it to yourself. Unless of course you want to hurt her feelings, make her angry, sad, confused, resentful or even induce the, "I won't be attractive no matter what I do!" mentality. You risk highlighting that which she could possibly be silently worrying about.

    Just step back.
  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    edited March 2017
    We have been married for a very long time and at our age and where we both were prior, everything is related to health. The aspects of how we 'look' is secondary to everything else, unconditional love does not put requirements on the outer self.

    Chalk this up to being a selfish cause it goes much deeper the older you get with your spouse or SO. I might punchy throat mine if he did this to me. Think about how he would feel if I did this to him?
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    As many have said, you have no right to tell her how to keep her body looking. On the same coin, she has no right to be upset when you look for those features in another woman.

    You have got to be joking. Are you suggesting that by losing weight and getting in shape that the vows of marriage and expectation of fidelity have been forfeited? What do you have to even begin to defend that comment?
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
    edited March 2017
    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    I use that extreme to make a point. What is a marriage without physical attraction? People need to quit vilifying others for saying that they have a "type" or look for certain features in their partner. It does not make them a horrible person. It makes them human.

    There should be room in any healthy relationship to have discussions about things like this without the other party feeling like they are being attacked or told what they can or cannot do with their body.

    The only "point" you made here is that a married person should definitely not feel free to improve their fitness or health. At this stage in a relationship physical appearance should not be so important that either person should fear driving their spouse away because their "assets" have been reduced. My husband is a fat slob. He looks like he is about 15 months pregnant with a baby elephant. But That would never be a reason end the marriage or go outside the marriage. Physical appearance is not the most important part of a marriage. If it is then there is something wrong.

    To answer your above comment, it has never been stated that she was losing weight in an unhealthy manner. He simply misses certain features she used to have.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • jbirdgreen
    jbirdgreen Posts: 569 Member
    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    Chippyfunyuns wrote: »
    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    I use that extreme to make a point. What is a marriage without physical attraction? People need to quit vilifying others for saying that they have a "type" or look for certain features in their partner. It does not make them a horrible person. It makes them human.

    There should be room in any healthy relationship to have discussions about things like this without the other party feeling like they are being attacked or told what they can or cannot do with their body.

    He has every right to tell her what he is attracted to but he has no right to tell her to slow down with her weight loss because he likes her body a certain way. Its not his body...its hers.

    For the sake of argument, if she is losing weight in an unhealthy manner, he is to keep his mouth shut?

    In my opinion, no. That's health related, not image related. The same way you can tell your spouse that he/she is gaining too much weight.. This is for people who are about to be morbidly obese or extremely overweight, not who have just gained 10-15 lbs of holiday weight.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories