Husband advice, please...

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  • cfritchley26
    cfritchley26 Posts: 47 Member
    edited March 2017
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    My husband has loved and adored me through a lot of different sized and weights, and I have loved and adored him through a lot of different weights he has had....and one of his favorite "feature" is something that I hope does get smaller as I continue to lose weight- they cause me pain and back problems - and I know he won't be overly thrilled about it, but I know he will love that "feature" no matter what.

    More importantly - I would hope that my partner would choose to focus on the "features" I am gaining: more years together, self confidence, me feeling strong and empowered, and setting a good example for our future children. I am not saying that you aren't looking at these things, but they should be more of a focus than the "feature" you are fond of disappearing.
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
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    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »
    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    I use that extreme to make a point. What is a marriage without physical attraction? People need to quit vilifying others for saying that they have a "type" or look for certain features in their partner. It does not make them a horrible person. It makes them human.

    There should be room in any healthy relationship to have discussions about things like this without the other party feeling like they are being attacked or told what they can or cannot do with their body.

    The only "point" you made here is that a married person should definitely not feel free to improve their fitness or health. At this stage in a relationship physical appearance should not be so important that either person should fear driving their spouse away because their "assets" have been reduced. My husband is a fat slob. He looks like he is about 15 months pregnant with a baby elephant. But That would never be a reason end the marriage or go outside the marriage. Physical appearance is not the most important part of a marriage. If it is then there is something wrong.

    To answer your above comment, it has never been stated that she was losing weight in an unhealthy manner. He simply misses certain features she used to have.

    I think it is great that you are still attracted to him, despite you seeing him as a "fat slob".

    He is obese, lays around all day, eats all during the day and night. Yep. That's a fat slob. His fitness has been known to wax and wane. When he wants to he gets in very good shape, when he is lazy he gets in very poor shape. I did not marry his shape.
  • joemac1988
    joemac1988 Posts: 1,021 Member
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    RayReed15 wrote: »
    I have a question about my wife's fitness goals. I love her and I am very attracted to her. I am very proud of her for getting back in shape. However, is it possible for a husband to be supportive and selfish at the same time? There are certain "features" that are disappearing that I am kinda missing. I don't want anyone to think I am not attracted to my wife or anything. How do I approach her and tell her to maybe slow down while still being supportive and proud of her? Thanks

    @RayReed15 How about asking her about her "why power"; why she works towards her goals? Where I'm headed with this...what if her "why" is to look awesome for you, but she's getting her ideal body type from somewhere other than your head?
  • socialdchic
    socialdchic Posts: 170 Member
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    So let me tell you from a wife's perspective. My husband and I have been together 12 years. Before I had my son, I was skinny fat, unhealthy but skinny. I still thought I was fat and all in all, I was just normal. My husband would joke and say I needed to put on a little weight because he could see my hip bones. Flash forward to having a kid, PPD and massive medication that aided in gaining 60 pounds. I felt awful so I lost weight and got in the best shape of my life (with still more to go). I am FINALLY in the normal range for BMI but still nowhere near where I should be. I no longer really have an end weight goal but getting fit goal for my body and he has said that I am getting too skinny again. We talked and he understands its my body and he often says things without thinking (as do I) but trust me from the chick side that if she is like me, then she starts to feel conflicted in wanting to be attractive to the person she loves vs. feeling good about herself and being healthy. So do not do it.
  • mandymay01
    mandymay01 Posts: 758 Member
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    she might be missing some of those features also, why does the boobs have to be the first to go?
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,492 Member
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    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    Chippyfunyuns wrote: »
    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    Chippyfunyuns wrote: »
    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    I use that extreme to make a point. What is a marriage without physical attraction? People need to quit vilifying others for saying that they have a "type" or look for certain features in their partner. It does not make them a horrible person. It makes them human.

    There should be room in any healthy relationship to have discussions about things like this without the other party feeling like they are being attacked or told what they can or cannot do with their body.

    He has every right to tell her what he is attracted to but he has no right to tell her to slow down with her weight loss because he likes her body a certain way. Its not his body...its hers.

    For the sake of argument, if she is losing weight in an unhealthy manner, he is to keep his mouth shut?

    For arguments sake...no he has a right to say something if he is concerned for her health. He has a right to tell her he likes big boobs and big *kitten*. If she is doing it a healthy way...which the OP made to reference to her doing it otherwise....he doesn't have a right to ask her to slow down with weight loss because he is disappointed that her boobs and big *kitten* are getting smaller.

    For arguments sake....We were great until you grew that beard. Now it gives me beard rash on my thighs. Cut it off for me, will ya? Is this fair?

    Tell him to oil it more often. Problem solved.

    Oil what?
  • miladiaz
    miladiaz Posts: 9 Member
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    jjewell1981 wrote: »
    His butt, my butt got smaller. People used to love my big butt. No one ever notices anymore. My pants fall off all the time. People point, laugh and whisper. My poor lost bum. I miss old bummy.

    Same for my husband. He's made comments. I don't say anything. I don't necessarily miss it, but I can tell he does. Everyone notices his weight loss and it makes him feel good. I just buy him new pants to make him feel good and so his pants aren't falling off his butt.

    Also, I'm glad you won't say anything RayReed1515. I was always told I had a big butt and I love my butt and think thighs. But when I was a cardio bot in college my now husband told me I was losing my butt and should do stairs to make sure I built it. I remember this almost 12 years later. Made me even want to get revenge on him when he started to lose his butt by making a comment. Not a good look on my part or his part.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,492 Member
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    _MistahJ_ wrote: »
    I find the idea of growing old with the person you love to be romantic. Whether or not I believe in the institution of marriage is insignificant. They do not need to go hand in hand to occur. But there is a difference between a person's looks changing with time, over many years together, and a relatively immediate change.

    Sometimes as we age we begin to resemble our partner.



    All of the frowning and despair sets the wrinkles like concrete.... and it's mutual.
  • perkymommy
    perkymommy Posts: 1,642 Member
    edited March 2017
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    RayReed15 wrote: »
    I have a question about my wife's fitness goals. I love her and I am very attracted to her. I am very proud of her for getting back in shape. However, is it possible for a husband to be supportive and selfish at the same time? There are certain "features" that are disappearing that I am kinda missing. I don't want anyone to think I am not attracted to my wife or anything. How do I approach her and tell her to maybe slow down while still being supportive and proud of her? Thanks

    If you love her for her then her outward appearance shouldn't matter. Not being rude just saying. My husband has seen me at my goal weight and at my highest weight and still loved me, the person. Focus on her not her outward appearance and that will help some.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,182 Member
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    Dude, you're going to lose your features before she loses hers.

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