Resenting your other half for eating crap when you're working your butt off
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Couple of things, how well did you take it before when people said you were fat and needed to eat better? Why does he have to change his habits because you do? You made a choice, it is your choice...own it, but don't project it on to him.4
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The only way to resolve your dilemma is to just kindly ask your husband if he can eat his snacks separately from you, and if not, then you've got to leave if you're going to be too tempted to join in without restraint. My husband loves cookies and Chinese. He's also 6', 185lbs and has an active job. I am almost a foot shorter, 150lbs and sedentary (if you don't count chasing a 9 month old around the house). He wants to be supportive, but he forgets. I know he doesn't mean any harm, so I remove myself from the situation and I'm fine. Hopefully he'll be supportive (and maybe even join you eventually), but if not, resentment will not help your relationship. You may have to be inconvenienced to keep up your weight loss.1
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When losing and even now while I'm maintaining I have constantly had to remind myself that my husband and I have totally different calorie needs. My husband is substantially larger than I am and has problems maintaining his weight so he needs a lot more calories than I do. When I first started losing I had to have a stern talk with myself - too easy to do the "it's not fair" thing and then just eat whatever because I was feeling sorry for myself. Realizing that I simply have to eat for my needs no matter what he does was kind of a relief.
Doesn't help that my husband can't cook and I do all the grocery shopping. Thinking of the snacks as I get him as "his food" and my snacks as "my food" helps (I also have him keep his snacks on a shelf I have to climb the kitchen counters to get to!).
Work on getting your portions right and let him do whatever he wants/needs to do. You are the only one in control of what you eat and being realistic with yourself and not pouting about it goes a long way.0 -
Fat_Fighter87 wrote: »My other half is 6,4 and can literally eat what he wants without gaining weight! Me on the other hand.... well I'm here so evidently I can't!
Whilst I'm trying really hard to change my eating habits and exercise, my other half does no exercise and is constantly bringing home big bags of chocolate, crisps and biscuits. I'm really really starting to resent him and find myself angry with him a lot and I think it's because of this. When I try and tell him about how nutritionally he needs to eat better, he boo hoos me.
Anyone else have this problem and how do I deal with it? It lbs starting to drive a wedge between us
He can't eat over his maintenance calories and not gain weight. Just like you. He has to eat more calories than you because he is male, bigger, or a different activity level. Come to terms with that. You are different people.
My dh lost 30+ lbs and maintains without calorie counting or exercising. He just ate less. I can't just do that to manage my weight. I need to log food, weigh portions out, exercise. I have not needed my dh or dd to change what they eat just because I need to lose weight though.
Dh eats less vegetables than he probably should. He'd be better off with more exercise. He is an adult though and I don't resent him.
If your dh eats most meals with protein foods, vegetables, fruits and does not have a health condition requiring he limit sugar or sodium it probably is not a big deal what he chooses to snack on. If he is waving it in your face wanting you to eat it too then I get the resentment. Otherwise just find treats that fit your goals and let him do his own thing.
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
It's his house too, he shouldn't have to go sneaking around food.
Sure, it's too much to ask him to be a little considerate of his partner? It's too bad if she has a weight issue and weakness around certain foods. She should just grow some balls and willpower right? What if this wasn't about cakes and chocolates but about alcohol or cigarettes she's trying to quit? Most reasonable people wouldn't have that stuff in the house. They'd go drink at the pub or elsewhere. It's just common decency.0 -
Traveler120 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
It's his house too, he shouldn't have to go sneaking around food.
Sure, it's too much to ask him to be a little considerate of his partner? It's too bad if she has a weight issue and weakness around certain foods. She should just grow some balls and willpower right? What if this wasn't about cakes and chocolates but about alcohol or cigarettes she's trying to quit? Most reasonable people wouldn't have that stuff in the house. They'd go drink at the pub or elsewhere. It's just common decency.
No, its not just common decency and using the drugs or alcohol strawman is disingenuous at best. People have to have food to live, he has different needs and wants and they are just as valuable as hers. Do you suppose he was upset that she was fat and ate a bad diet? Should he have told her then to "grow some balls" and stop eating so much? I mean, if she was eating calorie dense food before and he was eating it too, was she being an enabler? Of course not! She has to take ownership of her own diet (I mean her total food intake, not like going on a diet) and he has to own his.6 -
Traveler120 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
It's his house too, he shouldn't have to go sneaking around food.
Sure, it's too much to ask him to be a little considerate of his partner? It's too bad if she has a weight issue and weakness around certain foods. She should just grow some balls and willpower right? What if this wasn't about cakes and chocolates but about alcohol or cigarettes she's trying to quit? Most reasonable people wouldn't have that stuff in the house. They'd go drink at the pub or elsewhere. It's just common decency.
I'm sorry I am going to have to disagree. I cannot imagine in any partnership the idea of asking your partner to go eat somewhere else secretly so I can feel comfortable. That just seems absurd and doesn't address the real problem which is a lack of self control.
ETA- Food you need to eat, Cigarettes and alcohol you do not so that argument is moot.5 -
prattiger65 wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
It's his house too, he shouldn't have to go sneaking around food.
Sure, it's too much to ask him to be a little considerate of his partner? It's too bad if she has a weight issue and weakness around certain foods. She should just grow some balls and willpower right? What if this wasn't about cakes and chocolates but about alcohol or cigarettes she's trying to quit? Most reasonable people wouldn't have that stuff in the house. They'd go drink at the pub or elsewhere. It's just common decency.
No, its not just common decency and using the drugs or alcohol strawman is disingenuous at best. People have to have food to live, he has different needs and wants and they are just as valuable as hers. Do you suppose he was upset that she was fat and ate a bad diet? Should he have told her then to "grow some balls" and stop eating so much? I mean, if she was eating calorie dense food before and he was eating it too, was she being an enabler? Of course not! She has to take ownership of her own diet (I mean her total food intake, not like going on a diet) and he has to own his.
Agree 100%. I'm doing what I need to do, my husband is just the opposite. Sometimes food wise our paths cross. I've lost all the weight I need to, he hasn't. He knows what he should do to make it happen, but it's his choice to do it and make better choices. He's already been through two life threatening medical issues that could have been prevented with better choices.0 -
A few things...
First, understand that this is new to you and to your partner...you've made a deliberate decision, your partner hasn't...and it's going to take some time to get used to things...it's generally not some deliberate act of sabotage or something...your partner is just going about business as usual as he isn't the one that made this choice. You have to have an open line of communication, but don't expect him to just do a 180* overnight just because you have...that's not particularly fair.
Second, you have to realize that there will be temptations all around you always and forever...and frankly, the road of nutrition and fitness is a relatively lonely one as most people just aren't into it...so you have to do you. I'm grateful that over the last 4.5 years or so I've met and become good friends with many people who are geared more towards my line of thinking where fitness and nutrition are concerned. I've met them over the years in the gym and out on the road on my bike and in group rides, etc. My circle of friends has become predominately fitness oriented.
Unfortunately, I've basically lost some friends along the way because I'd rather go hiking all day and then pop a couple tops afterwards than go to the sports bar to sit and watch people play games while I get drunk all day. Of course, having a couple of kids changed the dynamic of a number of my friendships as well...so kind of a combo I think.
ETA: as time has gone on, I don't really find myself pining for junk...I crave quality nutrition. We just spent a long weekend in Colorado for a memorial and basically ate out every meal, every day and a lot of it wasn't so great nutritionally speaking...on Sunday when we got home I couldn't wait to just sit down to a big, fresh garden salad with some grilled salmon. In my experience, as time goes on you stop craving crap and start craving quality nutrition.2 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
It's his house too, he shouldn't have to go sneaking around food.
Sure, it's too much to ask him to be a little considerate of his partner? It's too bad if she has a weight issue and weakness around certain foods. She should just grow some balls and willpower right? What if this wasn't about cakes and chocolates but about alcohol or cigarettes she's trying to quit? Most reasonable people wouldn't have that stuff in the house. They'd go drink at the pub or elsewhere. It's just common decency.
I'm sorry I am going to have to disagree. I cannot imagine in any partnership the idea of asking your partner to go eat somewhere else secretly so I can feel comfortable. That just seems absurd and doesn't address the real problem which is a lack of self control.
ETA- Food you need to eat, Cigarettes and alcohol you do not so that argument is moot.
I feel like I need to disagree with your disagreement
There is a lot of science out there that suggests willpower is a finite resource (I know there are some reproducibility issues - but still there is a huge body of literature that indicate people can't use willpower indefinitely). Maybe the OP can approach her spouse in a better way, but I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her spouse to keep SOME of the food at work, or in his car, or maybe eat it less frequently.
My DH and I seem to have similar caloric needs to many of the couple on this thread. I maintain at around 1800-1900, and he seems to maintain around 3000. He kept so much junk in our house, AND I WORK FROM HOME. He would be gone for the day while I spent huge chunks of time and energy willing myself to not give in to the ice cream, chips, cookie, soda, guacamole, etc that was 20 feet away. It was exhausting.
I asked him to keep the sweets at work and I explained why - he understood and said "sure." People in this community are encouraged to set themselves up for success on a regular basis. I don't think it is a bonkers request to make.1 -
StarBrightStarBright wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
It's his house too, he shouldn't have to go sneaking around food.
Sure, it's too much to ask him to be a little considerate of his partner? It's too bad if she has a weight issue and weakness around certain foods. She should just grow some balls and willpower right? What if this wasn't about cakes and chocolates but about alcohol or cigarettes she's trying to quit? Most reasonable people wouldn't have that stuff in the house. They'd go drink at the pub or elsewhere. It's just common decency.
I'm sorry I am going to have to disagree. I cannot imagine in any partnership the idea of asking your partner to go eat somewhere else secretly so I can feel comfortable. That just seems absurd and doesn't address the real problem which is a lack of self control.
ETA- Food you need to eat, Cigarettes and alcohol you do not so that argument is moot.
I feel like I need to disagree with your disagreement There is a lot of science out there that suggests willpower is a finite resource (I know there are some reproducibility issues - but still there is a huge body of literature that indicate people can't use willpower indefinitely). Maybe the OP can approach her spouse in a better way, but I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her spouse to keep SOME of the food at work, or in his car, or maybe eat it less frequently.
My DH and I seem to have similar caloric needs to many of the couple on this thread. I maintain at around 1800-1900, and he seems to maintain around 3000. He kept so much junk in our house, AND I WORK FROM HOME. He would be gone for the day while I spent huge chunks of time and energy willing myself to not give in to the ice cream, chips, cookie, soda, guacamole, etc that was 20 feet away. It was exhausting.
I asked him to keep the sweets at work and I explained why - he understood and said "sure." People in this community are encouraged to set themselves up for success on a regular basis. I don't think it is a bonkers request to make.
What if OP's partner cannot leave food at work or there is no car to leave food in, what then? At the end of the day, there are going to be temptations everywhere for the rest of your life. Finding a way to work with them instead of trying to block them out will go a long way in lessening that wedge the OP is talking about.0 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »StarBrightStarBright wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
It's his house too, he shouldn't have to go sneaking around food.
Sure, it's too much to ask him to be a little considerate of his partner? It's too bad if she has a weight issue and weakness around certain foods. She should just grow some balls and willpower right? What if this wasn't about cakes and chocolates but about alcohol or cigarettes she's trying to quit? Most reasonable people wouldn't have that stuff in the house. They'd go drink at the pub or elsewhere. It's just common decency.
I'm sorry I am going to have to disagree. I cannot imagine in any partnership the idea of asking your partner to go eat somewhere else secretly so I can feel comfortable. That just seems absurd and doesn't address the real problem which is a lack of self control.
ETA- Food you need to eat, Cigarettes and alcohol you do not so that argument is moot.
I feel like I need to disagree with your disagreement There is a lot of science out there that suggests willpower is a finite resource (I know there are some reproducibility issues - but still there is a huge body of literature that indicate people can't use willpower indefinitely). Maybe the OP can approach her spouse in a better way, but I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her spouse to keep SOME of the food at work, or in his car, or maybe eat it less frequently.
My DH and I seem to have similar caloric needs to many of the couple on this thread. I maintain at around 1800-1900, and he seems to maintain around 3000. He kept so much junk in our house, AND I WORK FROM HOME. He would be gone for the day while I spent huge chunks of time and energy willing myself to not give in to the ice cream, chips, cookie, soda, guacamole, etc that was 20 feet away. It was exhausting.
I asked him to keep the sweets at work and I explained why - he understood and said "sure." People in this community are encouraged to set themselves up for success on a regular basis. I don't think it is a bonkers request to make.
What if OP's partner cannot leave food at work or there is no car to leave food in, what then? At the end of the day, there are going to be temptations everywhere for the rest of your life. Finding a way to work with them instead of trying to block them out will go a long way in lessening that wedge the OP is talking about.
Lock them in a cabinet that only he has the key to?3 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »StarBrightStarBright wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
It's his house too, he shouldn't have to go sneaking around food.
Sure, it's too much to ask him to be a little considerate of his partner? It's too bad if she has a weight issue and weakness around certain foods. She should just grow some balls and willpower right? What if this wasn't about cakes and chocolates but about alcohol or cigarettes she's trying to quit? Most reasonable people wouldn't have that stuff in the house. They'd go drink at the pub or elsewhere. It's just common decency.
I'm sorry I am going to have to disagree. I cannot imagine in any partnership the idea of asking your partner to go eat somewhere else secretly so I can feel comfortable. That just seems absurd and doesn't address the real problem which is a lack of self control.
ETA- Food you need to eat, Cigarettes and alcohol you do not so that argument is moot.
I feel like I need to disagree with your disagreement There is a lot of science out there that suggests willpower is a finite resource (I know there are some reproducibility issues - but still there is a huge body of literature that indicate people can't use willpower indefinitely). Maybe the OP can approach her spouse in a better way, but I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her spouse to keep SOME of the food at work, or in his car, or maybe eat it less frequently.
My DH and I seem to have similar caloric needs to many of the couple on this thread. I maintain at around 1800-1900, and he seems to maintain around 3000. He kept so much junk in our house, AND I WORK FROM HOME. He would be gone for the day while I spent huge chunks of time and energy willing myself to not give in to the ice cream, chips, cookie, soda, guacamole, etc that was 20 feet away. It was exhausting.
I asked him to keep the sweets at work and I explained why - he understood and said "sure." People in this community are encouraged to set themselves up for success on a regular basis. I don't think it is a bonkers request to make.
What if OP's partner cannot leave food at work or there is no car to leave food in, what then? At the end of the day, there are going to be temptations everywhere for the rest of your life. Finding a way to work with them instead of trying to block them out will go a long way in lessening that wedge the OP is talking about.
Well if it is impossible for him to keep food temptations anywhere but their house- then it is what it is. But hopefully he will also hear OP's words if she tells him how hard it is for her and asks for his help in coming up with solutions. (I agree with many previous posters that she shouldn't try to "fix" his eating - but she can ask for his help with hers - I feel like it is all in the phrasing).
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Late to the party -
I do the grocery shopping and most of the cooking. I buy things that he loves that I can live without, and I buy treats for me too because if I can't have a snack before bed life isn't worth living.0 -
Fat_Fighter87 wrote: »My other half is 6,4 and can literally eat what he wants without gaining weight! Me on the other hand.... well I'm here so evidently I can't!
Whilst I'm trying really hard to change my eating habits and exercise, my other half does no exercise and is constantly bringing home big bags of chocolate, crisps and biscuits. I'm really really starting to resent him and find myself angry with him a lot and I think it's because of this. When I try and tell him about how nutritionally he needs to eat better, he boo hoos me.
Anyone else have this problem and how do I deal with it? It lbs starting to drive a wedge between us
So, I quoted the OP for clarity. OP, I am not picking on you, I get it.... I really do, but lets look at what was said. He is 6'4" and can eat what he wants. He probably maintains on 3500-4000 calories per day, that's a lot of kale. He is constantly bring home bags of food. My guess is he always has done this and it is just become a problem cause the OP decided to lose weight. She is really starting to resent him and she THINKS it may be because of this??? Here is the good part, WHEN SHE TELLS HIM HOW HE SHOULD EAT, he boo hoos her. Well yeah, that's what happens. If he had tried to tell the OP how "she nutritionally needed to eat" before she decided, Ill bet we would be having a completely different rant. OP, talk to the man about what YOU need nutritionally, not him. Ask him would he please help you till you get a better handle on your cravings. (you should get a better handle) If he is unwilling, you have relationship problems that are unrelated to weight loss. Good luck and I am out.2 -
WOW guys I really didn't expect all these replies (OP here!) whilst some of them have been a little tough to read I appreciate the responses - constructive criticism is always a good thing!
I may have phrased it wrongly but first of all I need to clarify that I don't ever try and stop him from eating anything! I merely get annoyed when I'm struggling to overcome an unhealthy relationship with food (binging and purging has been an issue) and I'm sat next to him gorging himself on crap. BUT you guys are right I need to own this so for now I may have to just take myself away from the situation as someone said.
The 'boo-hoo'comment I made, I have merely pointed out on occasions that the amount of sugar he has is bad for his health because whilst he can get away with it now, in 10 years time he may have diabetes and potentially heart problems with all the saturated fat he eats too. I love him and I worry now and that's it - no 'telling him what he can/can't eat'
Also I referred to him as my other half - it's just a phrase people3 -
Ok, I don't know if you would find this helpful or not but here are my tips.
1. I do all the grocery shopping. I make sure we have baby carrots, cut up celery and cucumber on hand. My husband also loves strawberries so I have those cut up too.
2. I keep all his snacks in a "special" cabinet. In my mind, I tell myself it is off limits and I am not allowed to go in there. If I want something, I ask him permission. The act of asking him helps hold me accountable. I would be embarrassed if I had to keep asking him! . have joked that I will buy a special box with a lock for all his treats so I won't get in there!
3. Have you sat down with your partner when he is in a good mood and discussed your concerns with him? Perhaps saying something like, "I want to start eating better for my health and to look better for you. It is very difficult and I need your help. Do you think you could help me with this?" Then tell him how he can help you.
At the end of the day, we can only control our own behavior and what we choose to put in our bodies. Keep your eyes on your long term goals may make it easier to avoid temptation as well.0 -
Fat_Fighter87 wrote: »WOW guys I really didn't expect all these replies (OP here!) whilst some of them have been a little tough to read I appreciate the responses - constructive criticism is always a good thing!
I may have phrased it wrongly but first of all I need to clarify that I don't ever try and stop him from eating anything! I merely get annoyed when I'm struggling to overcome an unhealthy relationship with food (binging and purging has been an issue) and I'm sat next to him gorging himself on crap. BUT you guys are right I need to own this so for now I may have to just take myself away from the situation as someone said.
Yes, I think that's really the best answer. If he wants to eat and watch TV in the evening, and you don't want to be around the food, go for a walk (or read a book or tidy up or craft or colour or whatever else you like to do). Then, when he's done snacking, you can watch TV together (if that's important to you).
Designate one cupboard as the "junk food cupboard" so that you only have to see it if you're looking for it - but make sure it's convenient enough that it doesn't drive him up the wall having to climb a ladder to find his snacks (or whatever). Out of sight - out of mind. You don't actually have to lock the food up or have it in another building.
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Traveler120 wrote: »Family members who bring crap and junky foods home when someone in the house is struggling with weight loss or willpower to resist, are *kitten*! Don't waste your time trying to make him eat healthy but I would insist that he eats those things elsewhere and doesn't bring them home.
If he doesn't care about helping you achieve your health goals and instead has no problem sabotaging your efforts, then....get rid of him. I bet if he's a decent guy, he will eat that stuff elsewhere.
That was way harsh, Tai.
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Fat_Fighter87 wrote: »WOW guys I really didn't expect all these replies (OP here!) whilst some of them have been a little tough to read I appreciate the responses - constructive criticism is always a good thing!
I may have phrased it wrongly but first of all I need to clarify that I don't ever try and stop him from eating anything! I merely get annoyed when I'm struggling to overcome an unhealthy relationship with food (binging and purging has been an issue) and I'm sat next to him gorging himself on crap. BUT you guys are right I need to own this so for now I may have to just take myself away from the situation as someone said.
The 'boo-hoo'comment I made, I have merely pointed out on occasions that the amount of sugar he has is bad for his health because whilst he can get away with it now, in 10 years time he may have diabetes and potentially heart problems with all the saturated fat he eats too. I love him and I worry now and that's it - no 'telling him what he can/can't eat'
Also I referred to him as my other half - it's just a phrase people
I think people realize that you haven't stopped him from eating what you want, but in reality that is what you want so the advice reflects that.
Also the bolded part shows that you are probably still going to resent him for it, because that's all you see. Even though you previously stated he eats healthy well balanced meals, you are still caught up on this so called crap, and labeling food.
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