How Do You Deal With the Toxic/Negative People in Your Live?

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  • nevadavis1
    nevadavis1 Posts: 331 Member
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    It's so hard when it's your parents. We try to tune them out but we are so conditioned to listen to them and care about what they say. If he's a narcissist he enjoys seeing you unhappy and having you react to what he says and does. At some point you probably should try to set limits, though it sounds a lot easier than it is. One suggestion I got was to say to my parents "I was hoping to have a nice visit, but if you're going to be like this then I'm going to have to leave and see you sometime when you're in a better mood." And also "I'm leaving at X time" and then enforce it--there's always another thing they want to do, etc, but sometimes you also have to sleep and get stuff done at your own place.

    Whenever I get upset then I want to eat, so it's a very bad cycle.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,982 Member
    edited March 2017
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    From the same page. This implies a romantic relationship, so obviously disregard the points that do not apply to a father-daughter relationship. I found this after I left my narcissist but these strategies totally would have worked with him.

    The TEN DO'S
    How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You
    If you INSIST on Staying with Him
    1. Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
    2. Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any case.
    3. Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking).
    4. Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
    5. Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion".
    6. If your narcissist is cerebral and NOT interested in having much sex – then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
    7. If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind).
    8. If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist – it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn – they just simply can't be fixed.
    9. If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
    10. Finally, and most important of all: KNOW YOURSELF.
    • What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent perhaps? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
    • Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
    • Define the things that you find harmful TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.
    • caroldavison332
      caroldavison332 Posts: 864 Member
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      I would say Dad, when you criticize my weight/eating/changes of marriage, I feel (sad/hurt/angry/etc.) Wait for him to respond. If nothing is ever his fault, limit your exposure. Clean/seat/vist Satudays from 1000-1200 and not otherwise ordinarily. If someone is in the hospital or dog needs saving do that when its necessary.

      Than go home and take care of yourself. Get a massage, purchase some chocolates, go shopping, etc.

      The most significant thing: we need to love to love ourselves, and not the idea of someone else loving us.

      Also, we are only given so many damns in this lifetime, so learn to conserve yours. Gave a damn for your god, friends, non pyscho family, etc and none for dad. Thnk of him as an employer.

      I had a sister like this. When I called my dog my love puppy she said that "PEOPLE would THINK THINGS" like i was having sex with puppy. (If I could get past the besiality and incest, the dog was castrated). I said "Those people (meaning she) are perverts." Your dad is expressing the same kind of wack a doodleness.
    • kshama2001
      kshama2001 Posts: 27,982 Member
      edited March 2017
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      caroldavison332 wrote: »
      I would say Dad, when you criticize my weight/eating/changes of marriage, I feel (sad/hurt/angry/etc.) Wait for him to respond. If nothing is ever his fault, limit your exposure. Clean/seat/vist Satudays from 1000-1200 and not otherwise ordinarily. If someone is in the hospital or dog needs saving do that when its necessary.

      Than go home and take care of yourself. Get a massage, purchase some chocolates, go shopping, etc.

      The most significant thing: we need to love to love ourselves, and not the idea of someone else loving us.

      Also, we are only given so many damns in this lifetime, so learn to conserve yours. Gave a damn for your god, friends, non pyscho family, etc and none for dad. Thnk of him as an employer.

      I had a sister like this. When I called my dog my love puppy she said that "PEOPLE would THINK THINGS" like i was having sex with puppy. (If I could get past the besiality and incest, the dog was castrated). I said "Those people (meaning she) are perverts." Your dad is expressing the same kind of wack a doodleness.

      Conscious Communication and "I" Statements are great tools with most people but they don't work with narcissists as "narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly."

      I was extremely well-practiced in using Conscious Communication before I moved in with my narcissist and was baffled as to why it failed utterly with him until I came across that page, which was after I left him.
    • kshama2001
      kshama2001 Posts: 27,982 Member
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      jenilla1 wrote: »
      No offense, but he's pretty ballsy to treat you so poorly when he's so dependent upon you. Apparently, he's pretty confident you'll just take his crap indefinitely. And if you're like most co-dependents, you will. This guy is NEVER going to change - this is his character - so if you want change, you're going to have to change yourself.

      How do I deal with toxic people? I don't enable their bad behavior. I cut them out. (And yes, I have done this and it was the most amazing gift I've ever given myself. What a relief, and so empowering.) I don't need anybody in my life who tears me down, and I don't owe anybody who treats me badly any favors.

      Try standing up for yourself. You might like it. :)

      How did you get to the point where you were able to do this? Therapy? Work on boundaries? Practice?
    • JustMissTracyToo
      JustMissTracyToo Posts: 74 Member
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      I have many toxic people in my life who literally enjoy being negative and making others feel bad. For years I blocked them out of my life, only to find myself filled with regret when my real father died(Whom I had not seen in 7 years, I thought for my own sanity).

      At this point in my life, my parents and my adult daughter are very negative, extremely toxic. A stream of messages from my daughter can leave me shaking and close to tears. Same from my parents.

      So I tend to keep to myself, and only contact my daughter for positive reasons, and only when it's necessary. She never calls me or visits me, even though she is only minutes away. Probably for the same reason I don't call, life is easier that way.

      I refuse to cut off my parents completely, even though criticism and insults are their usual way of conversation. They judge everyone, but us kids get it the worst. See they are both sick, and I don't want to regret anything anymore. I call only once or twice a week, it seems small doses are the safest.

      Bottom line is regret sucks. When I feel like I can't take it anymore, I ask myself how I would feel if I got the call tomorrow that they had passed away. That thought is enough for me to realize that their words may not be very nice, but they are family, and will only be here for so long.
    • lucypstacy
      lucypstacy Posts: 178 Member
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      The best way to describe Dad is someone that lacks the empathy of a small child. He can't see someone else's point of view at all. If I say I'm hurt, either he's hurt more or it's my fault I'm hurt. Saying no to Dad is tricky.

      Ignoring the fact I'm too passive (been working on that), he tries to 'punish' you if you don't do what he wants you do when he wants you to do it. Last December, I was very sick. I had a kidney transplant 2 years ago and I'm on a lot of immune suppressants. I somehow caught viral pneumonia, and I was in the hospital. I had just gotten out when Dad called. He had dropped a pizza in the floor and wanted me to come and clean up his house. I told him I didn't feel like it, and he pouted. That should have been the end of it, but it wasn't. The next evening he calls and says he's in the hospital. When he cleaned the floor he had a hernia pop out. Now, this is really ironic considering I have to have hernia surgery (see the surgeon again on the 27th), but I didn't say much. He also said he was turning off his phone because he had forgotten his charger. All of this was fine.

      The next evening he calls to say he had been discharged and had tried to drive home, but he had gotten sick. He made it sound like he had passed out on the road, but had woke up enough to drive to a rest stop. He asked if I would come and drive him home.

      I got Mom to go with me. We drove down there and he did look as if he had passed out, but when I checked on him, he was only asleep. I drove him home in his car and Mom followed in my car. While we were driving, he asked about the bruises on my arm, and I explained that they were from I.V.'s. He had no such bruises. He also let it slip he had eaten a big breakfast at Denny's, which I thought was odd after getting out of the hospital. Anyway, we get to his house and he asked us to find a receipt in the car because he had bought a pair of pants he wanted us to return to the store.

      While looking for the receipt, we found the one from Denny's which showed he had purchased two meals. We also found a receipt from K-Mart one hour after he had called and said he was in the hospital. It was clear he had never been in the hospital. I didn't say anything though. He wanted me to fix his phone, so I did a quick look. There was a number he kept calling while in Lexington. A quick search revealed it was the number for an escort service.

      My father had been upset that I wouldn't come and clean up a pizza he had dropped that he had gone to Lexington to meet an escort while giving me a story about the hospital so I would worry. When he was done, he had gotten tired and had basically tricked me into giving him a ride home.

      I never confronted him. Either he would yell at me for mistrusting him or get mad that I was snooping. However, that's classic Dad right there.
    • dfwesq
      dfwesq Posts: 592 Member
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      newmeadow wrote: »
      Narcissism No Longer a Psychiatric Disorder

      By Tara Parker-Pope

      November 29, 2010, New York Times

      Narcissistic personality disorder, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and the need for constant attention, has been eliminated from the upcoming manual of mental disorders, which psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illness.
      ...
      Fwiw, looks like it was added back.
      http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568
      (See footnotes.)

    • stephanne13
      stephanne13 Posts: 212 Member
      edited March 2017
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      I absolutely do understand this. My Papa (grandfather) used to berate me about it. He was wonderful when I was little...I thought he was god. But, when I got to about 11-12 or so... good lord.
      He used to tell me that no one would ever love or marry me because my legs rubbed together, etc.
      Guess what. I ended up dating a man who hated my legs because they weren't pretty for 14 yrs. My mom & Gaga used to tell me to "just let it roll off my back" just to keep the peace. (He kind of liked to pitch a fit/pick a fight/make a scene) My mom now acknowledges how emotionally damaging that can be to a young child.
    • cmriverside
      cmriverside Posts: 34,051 Member
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      newmeadow wrote: »
      Is Dad single? He sounds a lot like my ex boyfriends. Me and him might get along famously and go to Denny's, Kmart, pizza parlors and the hospital a lot. Even the escorts would be okay. It would take a lot of the pressure off me if you know what I mean.

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