How Do You Deal With the Toxic/Negative People in Your Live?

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Replies

  • JustMissTracyToo
    JustMissTracyToo Posts: 74 Member
    I have many toxic people in my life who literally enjoy being negative and making others feel bad. For years I blocked them out of my life, only to find myself filled with regret when my real father died(Whom I had not seen in 7 years, I thought for my own sanity).

    At this point in my life, my parents and my adult daughter are very negative, extremely toxic. A stream of messages from my daughter can leave me shaking and close to tears. Same from my parents.

    So I tend to keep to myself, and only contact my daughter for positive reasons, and only when it's necessary. She never calls me or visits me, even though she is only minutes away. Probably for the same reason I don't call, life is easier that way.

    I refuse to cut off my parents completely, even though criticism and insults are their usual way of conversation. They judge everyone, but us kids get it the worst. See they are both sick, and I don't want to regret anything anymore. I call only once or twice a week, it seems small doses are the safest.

    Bottom line is regret sucks. When I feel like I can't take it anymore, I ask myself how I would feel if I got the call tomorrow that they had passed away. That thought is enough for me to realize that their words may not be very nice, but they are family, and will only be here for so long.
  • lucypstacy
    lucypstacy Posts: 178 Member
    The best way to describe Dad is someone that lacks the empathy of a small child. He can't see someone else's point of view at all. If I say I'm hurt, either he's hurt more or it's my fault I'm hurt. Saying no to Dad is tricky.

    Ignoring the fact I'm too passive (been working on that), he tries to 'punish' you if you don't do what he wants you do when he wants you to do it. Last December, I was very sick. I had a kidney transplant 2 years ago and I'm on a lot of immune suppressants. I somehow caught viral pneumonia, and I was in the hospital. I had just gotten out when Dad called. He had dropped a pizza in the floor and wanted me to come and clean up his house. I told him I didn't feel like it, and he pouted. That should have been the end of it, but it wasn't. The next evening he calls and says he's in the hospital. When he cleaned the floor he had a hernia pop out. Now, this is really ironic considering I have to have hernia surgery (see the surgeon again on the 27th), but I didn't say much. He also said he was turning off his phone because he had forgotten his charger. All of this was fine.

    The next evening he calls to say he had been discharged and had tried to drive home, but he had gotten sick. He made it sound like he had passed out on the road, but had woke up enough to drive to a rest stop. He asked if I would come and drive him home.

    I got Mom to go with me. We drove down there and he did look as if he had passed out, but when I checked on him, he was only asleep. I drove him home in his car and Mom followed in my car. While we were driving, he asked about the bruises on my arm, and I explained that they were from I.V.'s. He had no such bruises. He also let it slip he had eaten a big breakfast at Denny's, which I thought was odd after getting out of the hospital. Anyway, we get to his house and he asked us to find a receipt in the car because he had bought a pair of pants he wanted us to return to the store.

    While looking for the receipt, we found the one from Denny's which showed he had purchased two meals. We also found a receipt from K-Mart one hour after he had called and said he was in the hospital. It was clear he had never been in the hospital. I didn't say anything though. He wanted me to fix his phone, so I did a quick look. There was a number he kept calling while in Lexington. A quick search revealed it was the number for an escort service.

    My father had been upset that I wouldn't come and clean up a pizza he had dropped that he had gone to Lexington to meet an escort while giving me a story about the hospital so I would worry. When he was done, he had gotten tired and had basically tricked me into giving him a ride home.

    I never confronted him. Either he would yell at me for mistrusting him or get mad that I was snooping. However, that's classic Dad right there.
  • dfwesq
    dfwesq Posts: 592 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    Narcissism No Longer a Psychiatric Disorder

    By Tara Parker-Pope

    November 29, 2010, New York Times

    Narcissistic personality disorder, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and the need for constant attention, has been eliminated from the upcoming manual of mental disorders, which psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illness.
    ...
    Fwiw, looks like it was added back.
    http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568
    (See footnotes.)

  • stephanne13
    stephanne13 Posts: 212 Member
    edited March 2017
    I absolutely do understand this. My Papa (grandfather) used to berate me about it. He was wonderful when I was little...I thought he was god. But, when I got to about 11-12 or so... good lord.
    He used to tell me that no one would ever love or marry me because my legs rubbed together, etc.
    Guess what. I ended up dating a man who hated my legs because they weren't pretty for 14 yrs. My mom & Gaga used to tell me to "just let it roll off my back" just to keep the peace. (He kind of liked to pitch a fit/pick a fight/make a scene) My mom now acknowledges how emotionally damaging that can be to a young child.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,454 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    Is Dad single? He sounds a lot like my ex boyfriends. Me and him might get along famously and go to Denny's, Kmart, pizza parlors and the hospital a lot. Even the escorts would be okay. It would take a lot of the pressure off me if you know what I mean.

    giphy.gif
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    ahoy_m8 wrote: »
    ...Children of narcissists are inured at an early age to idolization and servitude. It's a no win situation. As long as you stay in the relationship, a narcissist will manipulate and coerce and make you feel guilty for not doing more. It's hard to get free of the guilt because you have been trained to feel obligated. ...

    Yes!!!
  • BlueSkyShoal
    BlueSkyShoal Posts: 325 Member
    edited March 2017
    Alternatively, carry an iPod and a pair of headphones, and whenever he starts getting rude, very obviously put the headphones in. Stare straight into his eyes as you put them in, then proceed to ignore him for the duration of the song.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,333 Member
    You are treat your dad well because YOU are a good person and you do it because you have high standards for your behavior Don't abandon him or your values. That is my opinion, You can create more boundaries and spend less time with him by getting assistance, either paid and maybe even offered for free. This isn;t a movie.. you can't have some big speech to your dad and all of a sudden he changes. He's an old man.. .it is what it is.. you're lucky he did't rub off on you. :) (and we all have weird families..so you're not alone)

    Just balance your sense of duty with keeping a healthy distance. I admire you taking care of him...but you don't owe him all your time or your life. Good luck.
  • crooked_left_hook
    crooked_left_hook Posts: 364 Member
    BlueSkyShoal wrote: »
    Alternatively, carry an iPod and a pair of headphones, and whenever he starts getting rude, very obviously put the headphones in. Stare straight into his eyes as you put them in, then proceed to ignore him for the duration of the song.

    Brightly colored, over the ear, noise canceling headphones work really well for this method, especially when you turn the music up loud enough that the other person can hear it. I use this regularly at work when there are too many people having loud conversations near me or I need people to leave me alone.
  • cerise_noir
    cerise_noir Posts: 5,468 Member
    lucypstacy wrote: »
    He's still my dad, and I'm the only person he has now. I feel bad enough that I dread going around him.

    He's literally on the phone now. I just let him talk to me. It makes him feel better. I don't listen to a lot of what he says on the phone.

    Have you ever talked to him how you feel?
  • crooked_left_hook
    crooked_left_hook Posts: 364 Member
    dfwesq wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    Narcissism No Longer a Psychiatric Disorder

    By Tara Parker-Pope

    November 29, 2010, New York Times

    Narcissistic personality disorder, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and the need for constant attention, has been eliminated from the upcoming manual of mental disorders, which psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illness.
    ...
    Fwiw, looks like it was added back.
    http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568
    (See footnotes.)

    It's still in the DSM-5 (published in 2013 I believe).
    http://www.nyu.edu/gsas/dept/philo/courses/materials/Narc.Pers.DSM.pdf
  • crooked_left_hook
    crooked_left_hook Posts: 364 Member
    lucypstacy wrote: »
    The best way to describe Dad is someone that lacks the empathy of a small child. He can't see someone else's point of view at all. If I say I'm hurt, either he's hurt more or it's my fault I'm hurt. Saying no to Dad is tricky.

    Ignoring the fact I'm too passive (been working on that), he tries to 'punish' you if you don't do what he wants you do when he wants you to do it. Last December, I was very sick. I had a kidney transplant 2 years ago and I'm on a lot of immune suppressants. I somehow caught viral pneumonia, and I was in the hospital. I had just gotten out when Dad called. He had dropped a pizza in the floor and wanted me to come and clean up his house. I told him I didn't feel like it, and he pouted. That should have been the end of it, but it wasn't. The next evening he calls and says he's in the hospital. When he cleaned the floor he had a hernia pop out. Now, this is really ironic considering I have to have hernia surgery (see the surgeon again on the 27th), but I didn't say much. He also said he was turning off his phone because he had forgotten his charger. All of this was fine.

    The next evening he calls to say he had been discharged and had tried to drive home, but he had gotten sick. He made it sound like he had passed out on the road, but had woke up enough to drive to a rest stop. He asked if I would come and drive him home.

    I got Mom to go with me. We drove down there and he did look as if he had passed out, but when I checked on him, he was only asleep. I drove him home in his car and Mom followed in my car. While we were driving, he asked about the bruises on my arm, and I explained that they were from I.V.'s. He had no such bruises. He also let it slip he had eaten a big breakfast at Denny's, which I thought was odd after getting out of the hospital. Anyway, we get to his house and he asked us to find a receipt in the car because he had bought a pair of pants he wanted us to return to the store.

    While looking for the receipt, we found the one from Denny's which showed he had purchased two meals. We also found a receipt from K-Mart one hour after he had called and said he was in the hospital. It was clear he had never been in the hospital. I didn't say anything though. He wanted me to fix his phone, so I did a quick look. There was a number he kept calling while in Lexington. A quick search revealed it was the number for an escort service.

    My father had been upset that I wouldn't come and clean up a pizza he had dropped that he had gone to Lexington to meet an escort while giving me a story about the hospital so I would worry. When he was done, he had gotten tired and had basically tricked me into giving him a ride home.

    I never confronted him. Either he would yell at me for mistrusting him or get mad that I was snooping. However, that's classic Dad right there.

    Classic Borderline Personality Disorder.
  • wellthenwhat
    wellthenwhat Posts: 526 Member
    I don't allow them to treat me that way. Your dad is abusing you, but bottom line, you allow him to do it. Every time he says something like that, tell him he either has the option to stop it right now, or you are leaving. Then stick with it! Learn to say things like. "I don't want to." "that doesn't work for me" "No" "I am not interested" and most importantly, "The way you are talking to me is not acceptable. I will not allow you to abuse me like that. If you cannot speak to me respectfully, then I will need to leave." My dad is also like this, but he doesn't abuse me, and we have a smooth topical relationship because I never allow him to use me like that.
  • __TMac__
    __TMac__ Posts: 1,669 Member
    Therapy and distance. I'm all for kindness, but this is abuse. You need to get out, and you need to feel OK about it.

    If it costs money to hire a carer for him and you don't have it, use all that time you were giving to him to get a job you like. And use your earnings to pay for his care.

    My sister is a narcissist. I see her once a year, at most, and only when we're both visiting my parents. I won't be backed into corner with no escape route, and I won't sit there and take it. She will treat me respectfully, or I'll leave. I leave often, because she won't change. When my parents are gone, I'll be OK to occasionally meet her on neutral territory, and the same rules will apply.

    And that question about whether this is how he wants to spend his few years left? Ask yourself the same question. Is this how you want your life to be until he dies?
  • ahoy_m8
    ahoy_m8 Posts: 3,053 Member
    ^^ I agree with all of this except one point -- whether or not to contribute financially to a parent's care is a choice, not an obligation.
  • Miz_T
    Miz_T Posts: 150 Member
    Oh honey, big fat hugs on this one. I'm dealing with two ailing parents. My mother used to be a heavy woman, always had been. Recently she's had a loss of a lot of weight due to health reasons and when I was talking to her the other day, what did she do? Fat shame me. I couldn't believe it. High fives for sticking with your dad to help him out too, but perhaps he's subliminally sabotaging any efforts you put forth. If you need a friend to vent to, hit me up.
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
    You can't squeeze blood from a stone. Unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do except cope. I mean, you could try talking to him and tell him that if he keeps speaking to you in this way that you will no longer come and do what he needs you to do. Maybe ask him if he cares about how you feel. It may sound odd but it just does not occur to some people that others have actual feelings. Tell him that you take time to come and take care of him and all you get is insults and rude comments.

    I wish I had some great advice, sorry that I can't offer better. I hope you can find a solution here because you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.
  • __TMac__
    __TMac__ Posts: 1,669 Member
    ahoy_m8 wrote: »
    ^^ I agree with all of this except one point -- whether or not to contribute financially to a parent's care is a choice, not an obligation.

    Agreed. This was offered because she seems to think that her only options are to keep doing what she's doing, or abandon him. There is a middle ground.
  • ahoy_m8
    ahoy_m8 Posts: 3,053 Member
    TmacMMM wrote: »
    ahoy_m8 wrote: »
    ^^ I agree with all of this except one point -- whether or not to contribute financially to a parent's care is a choice, not an obligation.

    Agreed. This was offered because she seems to think that her only options are to keep doing what she's doing, or abandon him. There is a middle ground.

    Ah, I get your point. OP, think about what you are willing to do/sacrifice for your own sake. When dealing with someone with no boundaries, it will never be enough for him/her, so think about what you can live with, what's enough for your peace of mind. And again, that answer might be nothing, and that is a perfectly valid and reasonable answer.
  • cross2bear
    cross2bear Posts: 1,106 Member
    edited March 2017
    [If you really wanted to make the point, you could offer to drop him off at the steakhouse and tell him you'll pick him up when he's done. Better yet, dont' tell him this until after you're there. If he really did ask you to "take him to the steakhouse," then take him. Don't get out of the car. Tell him "I'll be back in an hour" and then peel out of the parking lot before he can react.[/quote]

    I know you feel mixed emotions about dealing with your dad, and people saying you've got to save yourself, while true, is not easy to put into practice after all these years of abuse.

    the truth is that you cant change his behaviour, but you can change yours, but only if you want to. That means dealing with some uncomfortable feelings. You feel obligated to help him, but he is a royal *kitten*.

    I like the suggestion above. I also think you can go and do all the things you do for your dad without engaging in any conversation with him - thats how he pushes your buttons - he likes to see you react, because that shows that he has "power" over you - he can literally make you feel bad.

    So limit contact - if he needs the house cleaned, then clean it, but wear ear buds while you are there, and no conversation. When you are done - leave. Similarly, if he needs to get groceries, dont take him with you, go get them and drop them off and leave. If he needs to go to the doctor, take him and wait in the car. This way you can feel comfortable that you are still looking out for him, but he doesnt have the opportunities to get under your skin. Realize he is going to be petulant and miserable, but stick to your guns. Limit telephone conversation to communicating exactly what it is he wants or what needs to be done and if he starts with the abuse, hang up. He WILL call back. He needs you, for his personal needs and for fulfillment of his abusive behaviour.

    There is a lot of self preservation to this approach, and behaviour modification techniques for him - if you take away your reactions to his verbal abuse, or show that it doesnt push your buttons, it may lessen. If not, at least you are limiting the amount of toxicity he can spew at you. You dont have to tell him what you are doing. You dont have to confront him or explain why you have changed YOUR behaviour. Just do it.

    Good luck, its tough dealing with such a master manipulator.
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