I need some nonjudgemental (relationship) advice
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »All I can see is his controlling behavior and that's a HUGE red flag to me. And if you do end up marrying him, it'll only get worse...
I completely agree with this. Don't go back. That controlling behaviour isn't right at all and you shouldn't put yourself through that1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
Hey, are you looking for a roommate? I know a guy who might be interested.
Nope I'm good_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
Everyone else is generalizing here too. They are saying he is a control freak and abusive. What made him snoop? Probably her being sneaky, not putting her phone down, acting different than usual. If I hadn't been such a "controlling" and "abusive" guy I would have known there was sexting and more going on. Instead I was a trusting fool that believed in privacy. So I should've just been a blind fool and kept trusting and believing what I was told because she deserves her privacy?
The first time he snooped he got what he was looking for, he had a hunch and he did what he had to do. Fine. It was the treatment afterwards that's the real issue. I took full advantage of the second chance that he gave me and was an open book to him with everything. The second time he snooped, he found nothing of the sort, because nothing was going on, and I had assured him of that. But... I was told I was lying, probably deleting messages, etc.
That's why you give him access so he can have peace of mind...
I promise you if you gave him access he wouldn't have hacked anything. Why would he take your word? You already proved your word meant nothing.4 -
From his point of view he doesn't trust you anymore, he needs to find a way to move on. From my point of view, I have nothing to hide from my partner and am happy for him to look through my phone and read my emails should he wish. They say it's a good indication of your relationship if you can swap phones for a day.2
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ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
I'm struggling with this whole "cheating" thing that keeps getting brought up, I think "soft-cheating" describes it at best. I know cheating is different to a whole bunch of people but I know that having a few flirty conversations is not the same as going out and sleeping with different men behind his back (which I did NOT do). I admit that it's wrong, there's no doubt about that, but I don't believe it deserves the treatment I've gotten.
You did mention the conversations were sexual in nature. I don't know how sexual they became, but imagine finding that on HIS phone. Not playing the devil's advocate but rather saying some people will feel that is cheating just as much as physical cheating. Technology affords us a lot more activity which could be considered cheating. Which is where the boundaries come in. It seems a little too business like to clarify all this fine print but it needs to happen. What one person sees as harmless flirting another sees as cheating. Even if there were no intentions to actually physically cheat. Sometimes cheating happens from totally innocent intentions. Giving someone a ride home, or going over to help fix something or whatever. So intentions aren't usually a very good defense even in this "soft" cheating as it were.
I absolutely understand. If I saw that on his phone I'd be so upset and of course try and put a stop to it. But, if the tables were turned and I gave him that second chance, I would not be so overbearing, invasive, and threatening to him. He'd ask me to send him pictures of where I was if I was staying late at work just for proof. I wouldn't be doing that to him.0 -
_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
Hey, are you looking for a roommate? I know a guy who might be interested.
Nope I'm good_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
Everyone else is generalizing here too. They are saying he is a control freak and abusive. What made him snoop? Probably her being sneaky, not putting her phone down, acting different than usual. If I hadn't been such a "controlling" and "abusive" guy I would have known there was sexting and more going on. Instead I was a trusting fool that believed in privacy. So I should've just been a blind fool and kept trusting and believing what I was told because she deserves her privacy?
that's a whole lot of guesswork there- she hasn't confirmed if any of that was happening, and nobody here other than her can answer that.
whatever happened to you, is in all likelihood, so far beyond whatever happened with her, that it is incomparable.
in your relationship, can i ask what made you stay? was it kids? if it was i'm very unqualified to say anything, i don't have kids.
if it was or wasn't though, either way the trust was gone right? did she give you control of her social media and texts and stuff? did it make you feel better?
There was no sneakiness, no constantly being on the phone, as a matter of fact I'm hardly ever on my phone. this wasn't a 24 hour operation that I was constantly sneaking around and hiding from him. Unfortunately, I had a couple convos sexual in nature and that was that. He told me what lead to him looking through my phone is the fact that I had a passcode and that made him uncomfortable.2 -
ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
I'm struggling with this whole "cheating" thing that keeps getting brought up, I think "soft-cheating" describes it at best. I know cheating is different to a whole bunch of people but I know that having a few flirty conversations is not the same as going out and sleeping with different men behind his back (which I did NOT do). I admit that it's wrong, there's no doubt about that, but I don't believe it deserves the treatment I've gotten.
You did mention the conversations were sexual in nature. I don't know how sexual they became, but imagine finding that on HIS phone. Not playing the devil's advocate but rather saying some people will feel that is cheating just as much as physical cheating. Technology affords us a lot more activity which could be considered cheating. Which is where the boundaries come in. It seems a little too business like to clarify all this fine print but it needs to happen. What one person sees as harmless flirting another sees as cheating. Even if there were no intentions to actually physically cheat. Sometimes cheating happens from totally innocent intentions. Giving someone a ride home, or going over to help fix something or whatever. So intentions aren't usually a very good defense even in this "soft" cheating as it were.
I absolutely understand. If I saw that on his phone I'd be so upset and of course try and put a stop to it. But, if the tables were turned and I gave him that second chance, I would not be so overbearing, invasive, and threatening to him. He'd ask me to send him pictures of where I was if I was staying late at work just for proof. I wouldn't be doing that to him.
So you see how it's such a red flag that he keeps this up? This has triggered his need to control you. If he isn't controlling you he cannot trust you. The bell has been rung and you cannot change it. It's time to leave this where it is and move on never looking back. You could rekindle things 5 years from now and he would likely still assume you were cheating. Some people can heal and move on while others stew in it and obsess over the wrong committed. This guy is the latter.3 -
Every scenario is different and we will all look at this based on our own experiences or ones of those we know and care about. All of our opinions are jaded.
Current day technology allows a lot of "opportunities" that seem to hurt relationships more than help them.
The relationship is now unhealthy, it doesn't really matter who is at fault, does it? They both need to move on.
Correct1 -
So, I think you have answered your own question without even knowing it. If you had "a couple of convos sexual in nature" with someone you are not in a relationship with, you were probably not happy within your live-in relationship prior to him snooping and getting controlling (and all of that related stuff I just skimmed through...).
Leave this person. You don't respect him and he does not trust you. Find a relationship in which you and the other person trust and respect each other. If you truly respect the person you are with, the idea of having "a couple of convos sexual in nature" with other people suddenly won't sound appealing.5 -
Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
I know this has prob moved way on from this comment, but I have to second it. You were sexting with someone else while in an exclusive relationship? Yeah, no wonder he doesn't trust you. Not an excuse to go through your phone, but you should think long and hard before getting into a relationship with someone and saying you're exclusive if you have no intention of being exclusive.
It was a mistake. I didn't beg for him back, I knew I had done something wrong. He wanted to give me a second chance and he did. I held up my end of the deal. I deleted all traces of these guys, and was 100% devoted to him and ready to move on from this. That's all I could have done.2 -
EbonyDahlia wrote: »From his point of view he doesn't trust you anymore, he needs to find a way to move on. From my point of view, I have nothing to hide from my partner and am happy for him to look through my phone and read my emails should he wish. They say it's a good indication of your relationship if you can swap phones for a day.
I would not want my husband's phone because I'd have to answer his work texts. On the other hand he would have to answer all of the texts from our kids on my phone.
Hmmmm.
OP - Honest opinion: Move on. There is someone out there for you but this man is not him.2 -
_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
Hey, are you looking for a roommate? I know a guy who might be interested.
Nope I'm good_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
Everyone else is generalizing here too. They are saying he is a control freak and abusive. What made him snoop? Probably her being sneaky, not putting her phone down, acting different than usual. If I hadn't been such a "controlling" and "abusive" guy I would have known there was sexting and more going on. Instead I was a trusting fool that believed in privacy. So I should've just been a blind fool and kept trusting and believing what I was told because she deserves her privacy?
that's a whole lot of guesswork there- she hasn't confirmed if any of that was happening, and nobody here other than her can answer that.
whatever happened to you, is in all likelihood, so far beyond whatever happened with her, that it is incomparable.
in your relationship, can i ask what made you stay? was it kids? if it was i'm very unqualified to say anything, i don't have kids.
if it was or wasn't though, either way the trust was gone right? did she give you control of her social media and texts and stuff? did it make you feel better?
There was no sneakiness, no constantly being on the phone, as a matter of fact I'm hardly ever on my phone. this wasn't a 24 hour operation that I was constantly sneaking around and hiding from him. Unfortunately, I had a couple convos sexual in nature and that was that. He told me what lead to him looking through my phone is the fact that I had a passcode and that made him uncomfortable.
I'm not judging here, but you keep adding details and,changing the complexion of the argument, and moving the yard sticks in your favor when people are making observations based on the overall situation. The fact is - there were conversations of a sexual nature with other men. To that there is some fault assigned to you. His response belongs to him.4 -
I forget to mention I totally judged2
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Every scenario is different and we will all look at this based on our own experiences or ones of those we know and care about. All of our opinions are jaded.
Current day technology allows a lot of "opportunities" that seem to hurt relationships more than help them.
The relationship is now unhealthy, it doesn't really matter who is at fault, does it? They both need to move on.
Probably for the best.0 -
Carillon_Campanello wrote: »_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
Hey, are you looking for a roommate? I know a guy who might be interested.
Nope I'm good_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
Everyone else is generalizing here too. They are saying he is a control freak and abusive. What made him snoop? Probably her being sneaky, not putting her phone down, acting different than usual. If I hadn't been such a "controlling" and "abusive" guy I would have known there was sexting and more going on. Instead I was a trusting fool that believed in privacy. So I should've just been a blind fool and kept trusting and believing what I was told because she deserves her privacy?
that's a whole lot of guesswork there- she hasn't confirmed if any of that was happening, and nobody here other than her can answer that.
whatever happened to you, is in all likelihood, so far beyond whatever happened with her, that it is incomparable.
in your relationship, can i ask what made you stay? was it kids? if it was i'm very unqualified to say anything, i don't have kids.
if it was or wasn't though, either way the trust was gone right? did she give you control of her social media and texts and stuff? did it make you feel better?
There was no sneakiness, no constantly being on the phone, as a matter of fact I'm hardly ever on my phone. this wasn't a 24 hour operation that I was constantly sneaking around and hiding from him. Unfortunately, I had a couple convos sexual in nature and that was that. He told me what lead to him looking through my phone is the fact that I had a passcode and that made him uncomfortable.
I'm not judging here, but you keep adding details and,changing the complexion of the argument, and moving the yard sticks in your favor when people are making observations based on the overall situation. The fact is - there were conversations of a sexual nature with other men. To that there is some fault assigned to you. His response belongs to him.
Again, not saying I'm a saint. Not trying to make it like I didn't do anything wrong. The issue is, I feel uncomfortable because of how everything played out, but I'm receiving multiple texts and voicemails about how he wants me to come back, he's sorry for his behavior, he knows we have the potential to be a great team, etc. And I'm trying to avoid getting sucked back into the quicksand.
0 -
We don't have the same opinions but I have to give credit where it's deserved... that got a laugh out of me.4 -
I have been there !! Believe me it gets worse. Leave him and next time look for a sane person.2
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