Sometimes I don't know why I'm pushing so hard. Losing 130+lbs solved nothing.

Geocitiesuser wrote: »

You're likely very intrinsic and haven't found anyone that deals well with that yet.

I don't doubt that at all.

Thing is, while I've never been a "pimp", I've had plenty of dating and relationships growing up. Even being married at one point. Ever since I hit 30 it's been radio silence. No amount of social activities gets me introduced to anyone even remotely compatible or interested. No hundreds of emails on the personals work anymore. To be honest, I got more play at 300lbs. I'm the leanest I've been since college, and the response I get from approaching women is that I'm so homely I should be ashamed to leave my house. Being treated like a monster... is not so fun. Especially when you've been working to do everything in your power to change that.

But yeah, while I'm definitely a bit of a unique person (don't drink, don't smoke, software developer) that isn't compatible with "everyone", I used to be compatible with "some people". But now the past 6 years has been me hitting my head against the wall trying to figure out how to get someone to even speak to me long enough to find out what language I speak. Getting a hello back is like pulling teeth.... it's difficult to have things you want in a partner, when you're forced to drop your standards almost completely and still get rejected at every turn.

But, deep breath. It's sparring tonight. I'm going to spend a couple of hours trying to kick people in the head. If not for my hobbies I'd go insane, because I have no family or home life beyond them. Some guys think it would be a blessing. Ever since I got divorced almost a decade ago its felt like nothing but hell... I never got a second chance at normalcy. Just rejection.

I have ranted WAY too much, and have exposed WAY too much information at this point. I'm pretty sure this thread is going to come back and haunt me one day. :shrug:

Basically, I'm really frustrated trying so hard to lose the last 15lbs, and finding out that all of this effort is not helping to solve the only thing I really hoped it would.

I'll blunt, and apologize in advance if I make ASSumptions that are untrue. Women can smell desperation and insecurity, and it is not attractive. You may say you're not desperate for a girlfriend, and that may well be true, but your posts here sort of come across that way. And if it comes across to some random person on the internet that way, it just might be striking your potential matches that way as well.

My advice? Forget getting a girlfriend for right now. Like, don't even try. View it as a sort of diet break for your dating life.

I've been thinking about your post a lot. I typically refrain from engaging with men who get on rejection trips, because, man, that is a deep, dark well and at the bottom is MRA tumblrs and loan wolves gone rabid and I don't even have the stomach for all of that. That said, I've seen you around here a lot, and I feel so bad that a person who tries to be helpful to others is having a hard time--so here's my two cents for what it's worth.

I'll lay it out because I would want someone to lay it out for me: I would not be interested in someone who works/spars/sleeps/repeats. Would you? Take a dance class or a cooking class or art class or film appreciation or whatever sounds fun to you. Worst case scenario: You have a great skill that will serve you and bring you enjoyment, as well as having the side effect of making you more interesting and well-rounded. Everyone loves that. Plus, you'll be outside of your usual haunts so you'll meet more people which increases your chances of meeting someone who's compatible with you. Get offline as much as possible.

All you can do is work on yourself and bring one he*l of a deal to the table. You have started, and are doing great.

You mention being treated like a monster. That doubtfully has anything to do with how you look, you look totally normal if not buffer than most. Even if you didn't--I date ugly people all the time and I'm definitely not the only one. Ugly is not a deal breaker. Thirstiness, as the kids call it now, is. Pedestal-building is. Bad self-esteem and low confidence is. If I sense I'm being perceived as a well-deserved prize for years of struggle and loneliness, I'm a plume of Roadrunner dust. I hate being treated like "The One" more than anything in the world, it doesn't make me feel special--it makes me feel uncomfortable and inauthentic and mythologized and puts pressure on me and puts me in a corner. Don't put that pressure on phantom future girlfriend--she's just a person after all.

Whatever you do, stay positive. Resist joining the MRA tumblr/bitter loan wolf crowd. You've worked hard and deserve to enjoy life, but we don't always get exactly what we want. Even more disappointingly, as you know, sometimes we do and it's not at all what we pictured, or it goes to crap over time. When you feel the whole pining, winsome "I wish I had someone" feeling crop up, recognize it and watch it pass by like a car that you're not going to get in. Think about something else--something more interesting.

I thought about this thread a lot last night because it just broke my heart. In particular for you and your feelings of brokenness, but also for all the other people who are invisible out there. You have always made intelligent comments here, you obviously like the Greek philosophers and classic Victorian poetry, and you are rocking some nice biceps, so you seem like a quality fella from what I can see.

You don't say where you are looking for women, or what you are looking for. One of the great problems is that men, naturally, tend to pursue women who are their age and younger; another problem is that with only 1/3 of Americans at a normal weight, if you are looking for someone of a particular age and matching you in your level of fitness, the competition is going to be ferocious, with every man from 18 to 75 going after that particular demographic. If you are joining the scrum of fisticuffs with all the predators and prey (and both of those apply to both sexes) it is going to be brutal.

On the other hand, if your strengths are going to shine through in a quieter corner, I would take the advice given above to join a church or a protest group, and additionally throw in: start volunteering for activities you enjoy, where there might also be a good amount of women. For example, swinging a hammer for Habitat for Humanity or building benches and bridges for an environmental group is an outstanding excuse to rock a tool belt and show off your biceps. Or you can join a biking club, running club, or sign up for a serious cooking school course to meet women who share your passion for fitness and/or home-cooked food.

Here is another idea to give you an edge, from the female perspective. We had a subscription to GQ for a decade or so, before we had kids, and I personally find it to be a very classy men's magazine with excellent sartorial and cultural advice, although it has been a few years since I read it. One thing that makes men stand out is impeccable tailoring and correct clothes--always long-sleeved dress shirts rolled up instead up short sleeved button-down shirts, for example, and beautiful but subtle ties, beautiful Italian dress shoes, etc. Beautiful, very high quality, but subtle--and avoid any sort of douchewear like the plague. Properly tailored, high quality clothes are a powerful indicator of financial success.

On a personal note, I am inexpressibly grateful I don't have to attempt to find a boyfriend or husband in this culture, that I am happily married to a man so awesome that I thank my lucky stars every day that he is my husband and the father of my children. He is a very quiet, shy, kind and gentle, tall, thin, quirky sense of humor, geeky chemist and I congratulate myself on having the intelligence to take a second look at him in high school, when his best friend told me I should go out with him, but I would have to call him and ask him out. I had a string of guys dancing like monkeys to my every whim, but he always had the integrity to call BS on any of my shenanigans, which made me respect him profoundly because he had a strong sense of who he was, and no woman was going to push him around.

As for todya's creepy culture--Having my accomplishments and humanity reduced to a left or right swipe on Tinder? NOPE! Waxing to look like my 11 year old daughter? NOPE! "Hookups" with guys whose expectations for normal behavior have been profoundly shaped by the most particularly disgusting corners of the interwebs? AW TO THE HELL NAW. I would, frankly, rather be cloistered in a nunnery, and I a) take great joy in the flesh and b) am Lutheran, so that is saying a lot. Ugh, it just makes me shudder.