Parents on here I need advice, my daughter is seeing a guy way older than her

lookat6
lookat6 Posts: 71 Member
in Chit-Chat
My daughter is 22 she has been seeing a 31 year old male at her job in a warehouse for five months he is always coming over here and stopping by to see her and he takes her out about once a week every week for the past few months and I want to know what he sees in my daughter to want to take her out. My daughter is 22 and she still lives at home and my daughter doesn't have much guy experience either.
She works but that's about it. This guy from her job that takes her out has bought her a gift from bath and body works and he takes her out to eat and buys her food but, honestly I think he's using her my daughter eleven though she looks happy when she goes out with him and she talks about him a lot but I'm not sure. I'm weary because 9 times out of 10 when the age gap is this big I'm pretty sure he's after one thing and I wanna protect my daughter. I try to tell my daughter that she is being gullible and that he doesn't want her like she wants him. I feel like my daughter is desperate and putting herself on him. I rather her date someone who is at the most five years older.
I don't think his intentions are genuine and I'm pretty sure he can't find someone his age that's why he wants my daughter. I don't mind her dating but not a guy this older. I honestly think she is either being used or potentially going to get her feelings really her with this guy. She is emotionally immature and isn't ready for him. He is way far along in life than she is and I told my daughter to not lose her virginity to this old man!
I try to teach my daughter to not be impressed by the little things guys do but it seems like she fell for him and I have a bad feeling about this.
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  • BattleRopes
    BattleRopes Posts: 128 Member
    edited July 2017
    Is she freeloading or does she contribute to the household, via rent or chores? If she's freeloading, then you've the power; to forbid her to see him or you'll force her to leave. However if you force her to leave, she might then live; with him. If she's contributing to the household, to reside there; then she's your tenant & you've no right to tell her whom, she's able; to see or even, to set; a curfew.
  • iammichele
    iammichele Posts: 6 Member
    My daughter is 23 and makes some pretty horrendously bad choices as well regarding many topics one being the man who she dates who has two previous domestic violence incidences (per the court records) on two other women. My daughter won't listen, lacks common sense, lacks good judgement, therefore I feel your pain. The problem is, as others mentioned, they are adults. We can't "ground them" or make their choices for them, as they are adults and are legally permitted to date who they choose to date regardless if it's a bad choice or not. The more I push my daughter to be smarter about her choices the more she plunges ahead in the opposite direction. I am sorry though, as I know first hand how stressful it is to see our "adult" children make stupid decisions. It sounds like you have let her know what you think, and how you feel and really all you can do now is focus on keeping yourself happy and healthy. Hang in there and take care of yourself right now.
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  • DreDay46
    DreDay46 Posts: 491 Member
    Experience is the best teacher. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. All you can do is try to support her the best you can, but if you try to control her then you will end up pushing her away.
  • CINDYR776
    CINDYR776 Posts: 71 Member
    iammichele wrote: »
    My daughter is 23 and makes some pretty horrendously bad choices as well regarding many topics one being the man who she dates who has two previous domestic violence incidences (per the court records) on two other women. My daughter won't listen, lacks common sense, lacks good judgement, therefore I feel your pain. The problem is, as others mentioned, they are adults. We can't "ground them" or make their choices for them, as they are adults and are legally permitted to date who they choose to date regardless if it's a bad choice or not. The more I push my daughter to be smarter about her choices the more she plunges ahead in the opposite direction. I am sorry though, as I know first hand how stressful it is to see our "adult" children make stupid decisions. It sounds like you have let her know what you think, and how you feel and really all you can do now is focus on keeping yourself happy and healthy. Hang in there and take care of yourself right now.

    ^^^This....ALLLLLL of this. <3
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  • BattleRopes
    BattleRopes Posts: 128 Member
    lookat6 wrote: »
    BattleRopes wrote: »
    Is she freeloading or does she contribute to the household, via rent or chores? If she's freeloading, then you've the power; to forbid her to see him or you'll force her to leave. However if you force her to leave, she might then live; with him. If she's contributing to the household, to reside there; then she's your tenant & you've no right to tell her whom, she's able; to see or even, to set; a curfew.

    She pays the charter bill she helps clean and she gives my wife $200 a week she also gave my wife money to help fix her vehicle

    Then she's your tenant 1st, daughter 2nd! Meaning you've no legal right to impose restrictions upon her and/or her guests that aren't legitimate landlord/tenant relationship; otherwise you risk being sued and/or being prosecuted.
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  • dwrightlaw
    dwrightlaw Posts: 804 Member
    In the grand scheme of things, a nine year age gap is really insignificant. As the others have pointed out, your daughter is a grown woman yet you feel compelled to speak of her as if she's a child. After raising 5 kids myself, 2 sons 3 daughter's, I can tell you that the control you are trying to exert over you daughter will only backfire on you.
    Trust that you raised her to be a smart, capable woman & let her learn from her own life experiences. You are trying to rob her from learning about who she is and what she wants because of your problem with the guys age. Give her the benefit of the doubt to figure out her own life.
    Letting go of your adult child is the hardest thing for a parent to do, but there is a sense of joy when you sit back & watch how they have become really good men and women because you taught them values & then let them figure out the rest on their own.
  • livingleanlivingclean
    livingleanlivingclean Posts: 11,751 Member
    You could continue to be unsupportive and potentially push your daughter away and/or make her secretive about her whereabouts and what she's doing, or you could perhaps try and accept that this might be a genuine relationship (or just an experience for her that she can learn from if things go pear shaped) and find out that he's a pretty nice guy.
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