Parents on here I need advice, my daughter is seeing a guy way older than her

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  • dwrightlaw
    dwrightlaw Posts: 804 Member
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    lookat6 wrote: »
    dwrightlaw wrote: »
    In the grand scheme of things, a nine year age gap is really insignificant. As the others have pointed out, your daughter is a grown woman yet you feel compelled to speak of her as if she's a child. After raising 5 kids myself, 2 sons 3 daughter's, I can tell you that the control you are trying to exert over you daughter will only backfire on you.
    Trust that you raised her to be a smart, capable woman & let her learn from her own life experiences. You are trying to rob her from learning about who she is and what she wants because of your problem with the guys age. Give her the benefit of the doubt to figure out her own life.
    Letting go of your adult child is the hardest thing for a parent to do, but there is a sense of joy when you sit back & watch how they have become really good men and women because you taught them values & then let them figure out the rest on their own.

    It is significant he is a whole bother decade away from her. When she was 8 he was 18! As a parent it doesn't look or sound right at all

    Whoopty f.ucking doo! Honestly, she's not 8 now she's a 22 yr old ADULT woman who I am sure would be horrified to learn that her dad is posting her personal biz on this forum.
    You asked for advice & that's what you are getting but you just want to argue the same point over & over.
    If you think the fact that she lives under your roof, for which she pays rent, gives you some "rights" to dictate who she dates you are sadly mistaken.
  • LonniJay
    LonniJay Posts: 3,740 Member
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    Unfortunately she's an adult and can do as she pleases regardless of where she lives. Also, you cannot automatically assume his intentions are bad just because of his age. You can give her all the tools she needs in life and she will still make mistakes; it's part of becoming an adult.

    You need to not be so controlling because YOU are just going to make the situation worse. Also, quit worrying about your daughter's sex life. Seriously, just eww. She's 22, she's probably had sex whether you know or not. That is her business and hers alone.

    Story time.

    Straight outta high school i started dating an older guy and even moved in with him because of circumstances I couldn't control. He turned into an abusive acehole. Could anyone have stopped me? No, I made an adult choice and wouldn't listen to others. I was escaping my controlling mother and looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. I learned a valuable lesson and grew (but I still carry fleas from abuse) and moved on making better choices. My ex was only 26. His age didn't make him a predator, they come in all ages. Try to let her live and don't be so controlling.

    As a parent it's your job to worry and try to guide your child until they are an adult. Even the smartest most well informed people will make mistakes. She needs to learn first hand. Be wary but give her space and let her figure it out. Be there for support if things turn south. If you push her away now she may not come to you in the future. Also remember you are human and may be mistaken in your judgement of this person. That is the best advice I can give you. Good luck.
  • PikaJoyJoy
    PikaJoyJoy Posts: 280 Member
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    lookat6 wrote: »
    schtump wrote: »
    lookat6 wrote: »
    abetterme9366 wrote: »
    You're daughter is a full blown adult. End of story.

    But as long as she's under my roof it's my business who comes to pick her up from my address

    Nope. You are allowed to be weary, you are allowed to have an adult conversation about the relationship with her, but you can't really stop her. No good will come from any other action. It will only create a divide. Your daughter has found someone with which to spend her time, even if nothing comes of it she is learning valuable tools in how to be in an adult relationship, and that deserves your respect.

    I'm 8 years older than my wife and the two of use met when we were a little older than your daughter is now. Sometimes the people that you want to spend time with aren't the same age as you.

    That said, good luck to you and to her.
    schtump wrote: »
    lookat6 wrote: »
    abetterme9366 wrote: »
    You're daughter is a full blown adult. End of story.

    But as long as she's under my roof it's my business who comes to pick her up from my address

    Nope. You are allowed to be weary, you are allowed to have an adult conversation about the relationship with her, but you can't really stop her. No good will come from any other action. It will only create a divide. Your daughter has found someone with which to spend her time, even if nothing comes of it she is learning valuable tools in how to be in an adult relationship, and that deserves your respect.

    I'm 8 years older than my wife and the two of use met when we were a little older than your daughter is now. Sometimes the people that you want to spend time with aren't the same age as you.

    That said, good luck to you and to her.

    That's the thing he's spending time with her for a reason and he's going to end up talking her into the bed room because he doesn't just want to be friends

    And as an ADULT, she has EVERY right to make that mistake. It could happen with this guy or a guy closer to her age and guess what? Doesn't make it ANY better or worse. Get over the age thing and come to grips that you're daughter is a grown woman and needs to be able to make her own decisions/mistakes.
  • Mr_Healthy_Habits
    Mr_Healthy_Habits Posts: 12,588 Member
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    carb_killer1 wrote: »
    Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »
    carb_killer1 wrote: »
    id like to stay but jesse has to finish his work out and i need to watch giggles

    Awesome :kissing_heart:
    You know studies show when women are watching, men show less fatigue, work harder, and have more energy... Probably better protein synthesis too haha!

    i said i was watching lol not pole dancing :p

    Soright I'm Latino, doesn't take much to motivate me and I always work hard... Lol!
  • PikaJoyJoy
    PikaJoyJoy Posts: 280 Member
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    TeacupsAndToning wrote: »
    lookat6 wrote: »
    Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »
    I don't think the OP is real... The whole virginity comment sets of my Bs detector...

    I am real and serious I told her if she is going to have sex either wait until marriage or until she finds someone near her age

    Yeah, that'll stop her

    adam-levine.gif
  • _pi3_
    _pi3_ Posts: 2,311 Member
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    10 years isn't much of an age of an age difference and she's 21
  • SomebodyWakeUpHIcks
    SomebodyWakeUpHIcks Posts: 3,836 Member
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    OK, I'm a parent and I'm older so I might be able to help you. Let's see, what did I say I was? 42? Yes, I'm 42.

    So, my question is this. Is that too old should things not work out with this other guy?
  • Mr_Healthy_Habits
    Mr_Healthy_Habits Posts: 12,588 Member
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    Seriously though, if my 21yr old daughter brought home a 31yr old man... I'd have questions, like how did they meet and etc...

    But I also know that Daddy didn't raise no fool either... So I would have an open mind about it and give him a chance... However I would definitely have my radar and Bs detector focused on him... I notice everything about people #infj we're basically future seeing, mind reading, ninja monks :smirk:
  • Deadman_Diggingup
    Deadman_Diggingup Posts: 3,082 Member
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    Ahhh I see. This is actually an "OP is right, and everyone else in the universe is wrong" type of thread.... my mistake.
  • RavenLibra
    RavenLibra Posts: 1,737 Member
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    There's a question of emotional maturity... I have a stepson with adhd... he's 30... emotionally he's around 15... seems like you lack trust in your parenting abilities... otherwise at 22 you would trust your daughter's decisions... a good friend in high school had a sister who at 17 became involved with a 40 year old... they have been married for 30 years raised a family and are happily retired... what difference does age make in the context of allowing your child to seek out her happiness... and for all you know she's using him for one thing... young adults are far more "precocious " than at anytime in our history
  • FabulousFantasticFifty
    FabulousFantasticFifty Posts: 195,832 Member
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    lookat6 wrote: »
    My daughter is 22 she has been seeing a 31 year old male at her job in a warehouse for five months he is always coming over here and stopping by to see her and he takes her out about once a week every week for the past few months and I want to know what he sees in my daughter to want to take her out. My daughter is 22 and she still lives at home and my daughter doesn't have much guy experience either.
    She works but that's about it. This guy from her job that takes her out has bought her a gift from bath and body works and he takes her out to eat and buys her food but, honestly I think he's using her my daughter eleven though she looks happy when she goes out with him and she talks about him a lot but I'm not sure. I'm weary because 9 times out of 10 when the age gap is this big I'm pretty sure he's after one thing and I wanna protect my daughter. I try to tell my daughter that she is being gullible and that he doesn't want her like she wants him. I feel like my daughter is desperate and putting herself on him. I rather her date someone who is at the most five years older.
    I don't think his intentions are genuine and I'm pretty sure he can't find someone his age that's why he wants my daughter. I don't mind her dating but not a guy this older. I honestly think she is either being used or potentially going to get her feelings really her with this guy. She is emotionally immature and isn't ready for him. He is way far along in life than she is and I told my daughter to not lose her virginity to this old man!
    I try to teach my daughter to not be impressed by the little things guys do but it seems like she fell for him and I have a bad feeling about this.

    It sounds like he may genuinely be fond of your daughter and it might not be too fair of you to assume that his intentions are bad. I understand your discomfort in the age gap, but it really isn't a big deal, it's not like he's a 50 year old trying to date a teenager! Your Daughter is an adult, and you need to let her grow up and make and learn from her own decisions. Unless you have seen ill will or any actions that would be harmful to her, you really need to let her experience that which makes her happy without feeling like her parents are running her life and making decisions for her. We all take chances in relationships and an age gap rarely is the reason that they fail! This Man may or may not be your Daughter's Soul Mate, but only she can make that determination and needs to have the right to make That judgement on her own!
    I really can relate and have four children of my own who are now all adults. I don't and haven't always agreed with every decision that they make in their lives, and its really hard to see them fall, but I have witnessed them all pick themselves up and become the happy, responsible People that they are today! :) The Best of Wishes!
  • LonniJay
    LonniJay Posts: 3,740 Member
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    lookat6 wrote: »
    LonniJay wrote: »
    Unfortunately she's an adult and can do as she pleases regardless of where she lives. Also, you cannot automatically assume his intentions are bad just because of his age. You can give her all the tools she needs in life and she will still make mistakes; it's part of becoming an adult.

    You need to not be so controlling because YOU are just going to make the situation worse. Also, quit worrying about your daughter's sex life. Seriously, just eww. She's 22, she's probably had sex whether you know or not. That is her business and hers alone.

    Story time.

    Straight outta high school i started dating an older guy and even moved in with him because of circumstances I couldn't control. He turned into an abusive acehole. Could anyone have stopped me? No, I made an adult choice and wouldn't listen to others. I was escaping my controlling mother and looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. I learned a valuable lesson and grew (but I still carry fleas from abuse) and moved on making better choices. My ex was only 26. His age didn't make him a predator, they come in all ages. Try to let her live and don't be so controlling.

    As a parent it's your job to worry and try to guide your child until they are an adult. Even the smartest most well informed people will make mistakes. She needs to learn first hand. Be wary but give her space and let her figure it out. Be there for support if things turn south. If you push her away now she may not come to you in the future. Also remember you are human and may be mistaken in your judgement of this person. That is the best advice I can give you. Good luck.

    But he's not showing his face to prove me different so until otherwise I'll keep my opinion

    He is not required to show his face and because of your actions is probably worried what will happen if he does. Plus your daughter may have told him not to.

    You need to stop trying to control the situation because, guess what? You're not in control. Give your daughter some space and stop trying to be up her ace controlling her actions.

    When you shift your focus off her things might change for the better.
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