Comments on pre-weight loss body

WhereIsPJSoles · December 2017

So what had happened was I showed this guy I was seeing a progress pic. He’s known me for the entire time I’ve been losing weight and he knew how hard I’ve been working. So he said the obligatory “good job”

....but then, a day later he asked what I had done for weight loss. I told him briefly my routine in the gym. And he said “I don’t ever want to see you look like that again” in reference to my “before”. And then he said that I shouldn’t be offended unless I intended to go back.

I didn’t really say anything. And I dropped the subject entirely, but I’ve been obsessing over that before pic for 2 days because it kills me that I remember being like a little happy when I took it? I had been working out and probably dropped a pound or two. Wasn’t super happy but I was happy enough. I was about to go to the beach with my friends and felt okay about it. I’m still torn on what I should say to him, whether it’s worth saying anything at all, or just dropping it. I know he meant well. I don’t totally disagree, I don’t want my body to go back either, but it feels so harsh I guess? If you’re someone who didn’t hate your body before, how do you deal with sudden criticism of it now that you’re changing it?

YOLO145 · December 2017

Of course, you probably don't want to look like that again, but imo it's not his place to tell you that.

Shellz31 · December 2017

I'm with you in that I've never hated my body, and I'd be pretty annoyed by someone telling me what they want my body to look like, but unless it's super upsetting or he continues to make comments like that, I'd probably drop it.

I personally try to avoid all talk of my body, positive and negative, with anyone outside of my closest people. It does tend to open a door where people feel free to give opinions and criticisms. People assume that if you enjoy their praise for changing your body and you won't mind their disapproval of your previous condition. They can't understand appreciating something while looking to improve it, I guess. So, I just try to avoid it all together.

Nony_Mouse · December 2017

I hope the 'was seeing' means you are no longer planning to see him in a romantic/dating sense. Nobody intends to go back, but sometimes (often), it happens. I wasn't there, obviously, but that sounds a little ultimatumy/controlling to me...basically, he just told you he won't like you if you regain the weight.

WhereIsPJSoles · December 2017

Haven’t talked to him since, but I don’t know how sensitive I’m being. I just don’t get it because I was the living, breathing “before” when I met him.

Nony_Mouse · December 2017

WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »

Haven’t talked to him since, but I don’t know how sensitive I’m being. I just don’t get it because I was the living, breathing “before” when I met him.

I don't think you're being over-sensitive. That kind of behaviour is telling, and should be off putting to any woman imho. But again, you were there, we weren't.

Have you been dating right from when you met him, or did that come later?

apullum · December 2017

I wouldn't continue seeing a person like that. It's fine that *you* don't want to look like your previous self again, but it's absolutely not fine for him to tell you how he "wants" you to look. That sounds like very controlling behavior to me.

WhereIsPJSoles · December 2017

Nony_Mouse wrote: »

WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »

Haven’t talked to him since, but I don’t know how sensitive I’m being. I just don’t get it because I was the living, breathing “before” when I met him.

I don't think you're being over-sensitive. That kind of behaviour is telling, and should be off putting to any woman imho. But again, you were there, we weren't.

Have you been dating right from when you met him, or did that come later?

Yeah pretty much, no “just friends” time or anything. But it’s super casual dating, not like a relationship. So definitely easier to back away from.

Nony_Mouse · December 2017

WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »

Nony_Mouse wrote: »

WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »

Haven’t talked to him since, but I don’t know how sensitive I’m being. I just don’t get it because I was the living, breathing “before” when I met him.

I don't think you're being over-sensitive. That kind of behaviour is telling, and should be off putting to any woman imho. But again, you were there, we weren't.

Have you been dating right from when you met him, or did that come later?

Yeah pretty much, no “just friends” time or anything. But it’s super casual dating, not like a relationship. So definitely easier to back away from.

Listen to your gut then. The very fact that you are going 'um, what??' says you are not cool with what he said.

Shellz31 · December 2017

I didn't even notice that this came from a guy you were seeing. In that case, I'd definitely take it more personally and see it as a red flag. I'd probably have gone off right then or sent a bunch of angry, ranting texts later lol. I'd be super upset!

Heather4448 · December 2017

Huge red flag. Don’t look back.

EmbeeKay · December 2017

Heather4448 wrote: »

Huge red flag. Don’t look back.

I concur. Ditch him yesterday.

kristen8000 · December 2017

I'd be running for the hills. I've been every weight from 170 to 140 in the past 5 years and my BF has never said ANYTHING. He just wants me to be happy and finds me attractive at all the weights.

My response to your guy's comment "Yeah, what would you do if I did?". Then told him "goodbye". No one rules what I do with my body.

tinkerbellang83 · December 2017

I'd trust your instincts, it doesn't sound like a well meaning comment if that's exactly the way it was said. Sounds like he's a bit of an *kitten*, especially from someone you're just casually dating and not in a relationship with.

LivingtheLeanDream · December 2017

He was being harsh, just put his unasked for comment behind you and forget about it.

I have to say even when I was heavier I always thought I still looked good, so I wouldn't like it either if someone told me to never get like that again. It is no one elses decision/choice to make.

deputy_randolph · December 2017

"This guy" isn't your bf or husband? Why would you care about his opinion? Why would you let some off-hand comment stop you from going to the beach and having a good time?

People (especially men) make dumb comments without thinking ALL of the time.

WhereIsPJSoles · December 2017

I did consider him a close friend if nothing else, I’d love to say peoples opinions don’t matter to me, but I’m only human. It didn’t stop me from anything, I did go to the beach and had a good time. He never said anything negative about my body at the time, it’s only now that it’s better that I guess he feels he can say what he really thought.

I don’t know, now I’m remembering lots of little offhand comments he’s made and I let go but probably should’ve paid more attention to. I’m not going to entertain it any more, I’m sure it was some power move to shame me, but I’ve been doing that to myself in my own brain for 29 years so he’s playing a beginner level with a champ.

4legsRbetterthan2 · December 2017

I tend to try to see the best in people and my first thought was maybe he just didn't think before he spoke, but since it was a day later that makes me think he thought alot about it. I guess it is up to you what you do about it. If this is just a "for now" guy you enjoy being around and that's it then maybe its not such a big deal for this phase of your life. If you are considering options for a more "forever" kind of guy I would say this is one to pass up. I do believe we should be able to discuss weight with our SOs, but a flat out "I don't ever want to see you like this again" is worrisome to me. Everyone has a right to be happy at every stage of their life. I never really had anyone of importance in my life criticize my body when I was heavier though, so I am not sure how I would feel. Obviously I am aware I was heavier, that's indisputable. While I would prefer to not get back to there I realize there area all sorts of circumstances that cause people to gain weight, some are just excuses, but sometimes it is a result of a really challenging phase in life, and I think it is important to have supportive people around you when that happens. If he wouldn't be that person then I would feel that is a problem for me.

MegaMooseEsq · December 2017

Try not to beat yourself up for caring about what he said - people are social animals and want the good opinion of those around us! It’s perfectly normal to be upset about what he said - I’m upset on your behalf, and we’ve never met, because it’s just an unkind thing to say, especially to someone actively working to lose weight. I don’t want to go back to my old weight, either, but that’s not because I was a bad person then, or not deserving of love and respect, but because I feel great now and want to keep moving forward. Heck, I wouldnt want to go back to where I was 15 years ago either, because even though I weighed less then than I do now, I was a much unhappier person and I’ve grown a great deal in many ways since then. Weight isn’t everything.

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