Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to ask me to pay him to live with him?
My boyfriend has said he wants to marry me and has asked me to live with him. He is looking for a place right now. The first many times he brought it up, he said I wouldn't have to pay but now he is saying I need to pay him to live there. This makes me hesitate because it feels like a business transaction. If we have kids, will the kids have to pay to live there too? Plus in the past when he wasn't working I would pay for his ticket to museums or transportation and didn't ask him to pay me.
At this point if he views the relationship as a business deal I am thinking I may have to break it off even though everything has been great so far and he has been a great partner. If he is only with me in hopes of getting paid, it seems really inappropriate. I don't want to be mean, maybe I understood him wrong, but after he finds a place if he again voices that I have to pay him to live there, I'll tell him this is not the relationship I'm looking for and that I have enough self-respect to stay single.
My father for instance took care of the whole family and my mother volunteers. He never charged her anything!
At this point if he views the relationship as a business deal I am thinking I may have to break it off even though everything has been great so far and he has been a great partner. If he is only with me in hopes of getting paid, it seems really inappropriate. I don't want to be mean, maybe I understood him wrong, but after he finds a place if he again voices that I have to pay him to live there, I'll tell him this is not the relationship I'm looking for and that I have enough self-respect to stay single.
My father for instance took care of the whole family and my mother volunteers. He never charged her anything!
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Replies
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The American dream7
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How do you think he feels letting you move in rent-free? If I was living with someone, even a boyfriend, I would insist on splitting things unless we shared a checking account. It’s absurd to assume he should pay for everything.25
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Is he tallish? Is the rent $20?15
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caco_ethes wrote: »How do you think he feels letting you move in rent-free? If I was living with someone, even a boyfriend, I would insist on splitting things unless we shared a checking account. It’s absurd to assume he should pay for everything.
I was thinking the same thing.
If you're planning on getting married, you might as well start getting used to sharing now.13 -
Pay him or share paying the bills??? I think there is a difference23
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TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Have you never paid rent before?
Uhhh... yeah... This is usually how life works. Partners, you know, partner up in regards to household expenses, chores, etc. I would never move in with someone with the expectation of not contributing. That isn't "paying to be in a relationship." It's not a "business transaction." It's part of being an adult.17 -
My boyfriend has said he wants to marry me and has asked me to live with him. He is looking for a place right now. The first many times he brought it up, he said I wouldn't have to pay but now he is saying I need to pay him to live there. This makes me hesitate because it feels like a business transaction. If we have kids, will the kids have to pay to live there too? Plus in the past when he wasn't working I would pay for his ticket to museums or transportation and didn't ask him to pay me.
At this point if he views the relationship as a business deal I am thinking I may have to break it off even though everything has been great so far and he has been a great partner. If he is only with me in hopes of getting paid, it seems really inappropriate. I don't want to be mean, maybe I understood him wrong, but after he finds a place if he again voices that I have to pay him to live there, I'll tell him this is not the relationship I'm looking for and that I have enough self-respect to stay single.
My father for instance took care of the whole family and my mother volunteers. He never charged her anything!
Why do you think you would get to live anywhere free of rent or contributing to bills?12 -
Op I want to live with you. We can pay zero dollars together and live like Bonnie and Clyde17
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caco_ethes wrote: »How do you think he feels letting you move in rent-free? If I was living with someone, even a boyfriend, I would insist on splitting things unless we shared a checking account. It’s absurd to assume he should pay for everything.
Agreed. I have never lived anywhere without paying something, except with my parents. Even then once I was 16 and had a job, I paid my gas, clothing, etc. It's always been 50/50 on rent/now mortgage, utilities, groceries, cars/ins, all that stuff with my husband, even when were just dating and living in sin.4 -
I totally fell for it again. I really need to start looking at when OPs created their accounts compared to when they post provocative threads...7
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TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Have you never paid rent before?
It's not rent, he said the words "you need to pay me to live with me" which makes it sound like he wants to be paid to be in a relationship with me. That made me uneasy. Also I already have my own place right now so why should I pay him even more?
I'm pretty broke and the place would just be sitting empty, he does not want to live here. 3 -
Op, your boyfriend is probably handsome as hell. If I was handsome I’d make women pay to live with me too17
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Ditch him, marry your dad.9
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TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Have you never paid rent before?
It's not rent, he said the words "you need to pay me to live with me" which makes it sound like he wants to be paid to be in a relationship with me. That made me uneasy. Also I already have my own place right now so why should I pay him even more? I'm pretty broke and the place would just be sitting empty, he does not want to live here.
Are you sure your not confusing your boyfriend with your pimp?6 -
All I can picture right now is op as a very sexy mouse who dresses exclusively in silk4
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TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Have you never paid rent before?
It's not rent, he said the words "you need to pay me to live with me" which makes it sound like he wants to be paid to be in a relationship with me. That made me uneasy. Also I already have my own place right now so why should I pay him even more? I'm pretty broke and the place would just be sitting empty, he does not want to live here.
So don't move in with him and stay broke in your own place. Easy solution!13 -
Does the rent come with cake?4
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He's asking you to split the rent or mortgage...I think that's pretty normal. When my wife and I moved in together, we split the rent...when we got married and bought a house, we bought it together and we split the mortgage and the utilities. I think that's all pretty normal in modern society...I don't personally know any "kept" women.12
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I hope this is a troll post? You expect to live together and not pay rent. Oh man what is this world coming to6
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TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Have you never paid rent before?
It's not rent, he said the words "you need to pay me to live with me" which makes it sound like he wants to be paid to be in a relationship with me. That made me uneasy. Also I already have my own place right now so why should I pay him even more? I'm pretty broke and the place would just be sitting empty, he does not want to live here.
If he uses the words "You need to pay me to live with me"... then no.
That's a red flag in my opinion. if he said, lets get a place and split it and live together, that is a whole other and totally acceptable story.
But "You need to pay me to live with me"? The hell I do. Pay me and move into my place, damn it.1 -
Can you just have kids to lower your share of the rent some? If they each pony up, your part will be pretty small15
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TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Have you never paid rent before?
It's not rent, he said the words "you need to pay me to live with me" which makes it sound like he wants to be paid to be in a relationship with me. That made me uneasy. Also I already have my own place right now so why should I pay him even more? I'm pretty broke and the place would just be sitting empty, he does not want to live here.
So do it when your rent is up. Why would you not try to time it to then?
I'd suggest that you write out your half on a check to the apartment complex and he write out his half and that way you don't have to go through him but can go through the actual office.3 -
If you don't want to pay him, don't move in with him.
I've lived with two boyfriends. The first one, we had decided to live together, found a place, and split the costs. This sounds kind of what your situation is, and is totally normal, you should expect to pay rent in this situation.
The other one already had his own place. He asked me to move in, and I was not required to pay rent/utilities as he was already covering them on his own. This man is now my husband, and although I do contribute to things like groceries, vacations, etc, he has never once asked me to give him money to live there.
Basically if you don't want to pay to live with him I recommend you hold off and let him live on his own for a while, then if he asks you to move in again I personally believe you shouldn't have to pay rent.7 -
Considering that, he's within; the searching stage & doesn't have a place yet, I believe that you both; should be searching & agreeing upon a place together, instead of just him; since you'd be contributing towards the bills!2
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WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »Can you just have kids to lower your share of the rent some? If they each pony up, your part will be pretty small
Good idea, or you could do a pyramid scheme. get one of your friends to pay you to live there, then they get a friend. etc.5 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Have you never paid rent before?
It's not rent, he said the words "you need to pay me to live with me" which makes it sound like he wants to be paid to be in a relationship with me. That made me uneasy. Also I already have my own place right now so why should I pay him even more? I'm pretty broke and the place would just be sitting empty, he does not want to live here.
If he uses the words "You need to pay me to live with me"... then no.
That's a red flag in my opinion. if he said, lets get a place and split it and live together, that is a whole other and totally acceptable story.
But "You need to pay me to live with me"? The hell I do. Pay me and move into my place, damn it.
That's what I'm saying he used the words I need to pay him. If he would have said okay so the rent is X and you can pay half, that would be fine but when he said I need to pay him, it sounded as if it was a transaction. Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm going to wait and see but at this point I'd rather be single than pay to be in a relationship with someone.3 -
WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »Can you just have kids to lower your share of the rent some? If they each pony up, your part will be pretty small
If they get some pets this could be genius. A tank full of goldfish and they’re all paying pennies.2 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Have you never paid rent before?
It's not rent, he said the words "you need to pay me to live with me" which makes it sound like he wants to be paid to be in a relationship with me. That made me uneasy. Also I already have my own place right now so why should I pay him even more? I'm pretty broke and the place would just be sitting empty, he does not want to live here.
If he uses the words "You need to pay me to live with me"... then no.
That's a red flag in my opinion. if he said, lets get a place and split it and live together, that is a whole other and totally acceptable story.
But "You need to pay me to live with me"? The hell I do. Pay me and move into my place, damn it.
That's what I'm saying he used the words I need to pay him. If he would have said okay so the rent is X and you can pay half, that would be fine but when he said I need to pay him, it sounded as if it was a transaction. Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm going to wait and see but at this point I'd rather be single than pay to be in a relationship with someone.
Maybe try saying that to him...6
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