Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to ask me to pay him to live with him?
Replies
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Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice.
Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
Ok...yeah...you don't move in with someone after 3 weeks...and if he's spending your money, he's using you...9 -
So you are spoiled and completely taken care of, and you are expecting anyone else in your life to continue that. Newsflash... most of us don't live that life.14
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It's called rent. When both people work, both people contribute to the budget. If he starts charging for sex, then that's role reversal.2
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I have to say that I'm horrified with these new threads. All the questions that OPs ask make wonder do people even think?! With all due respect, I'm sure that if you sat down and actually processed your thoughts, you'd get to some sort of conclusion. Afterall, you are in charge of your own life. You should know what your limits are and what you will/won't settle for. Although, I do understand that you want to hear other people's opinions. That's great, but if you don't think it's reasonable to share the rent with your boyfriend, don't act against your reason.3
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Found a picture of this boyfriend fellow.6 -
I'm fascinated by this thread. I can't figure out the o p. I suspect a troll but I'm not sure. I feel like by commenting I'm falling into her trap. But yet I know people who live like this who make crazy *kitten* decisions and then wonder how they got in the situation they're in.11
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If you don't want to pay him, don't move in with him.
I've lived with two boyfriends. The first one, we had decided to live together, found a place, and split the costs. This sounds kind of what your situation is, and is totally normal, you should expect to pay rent in this situation.
The other one already had his own place. He asked me to move in, and I was not required to pay rent/utilities as he was already covering them on his own. This man is now my husband, and although I do contribute to things like groceries, vacations, etc, he has never once asked me to give him money to live there.
Basically if you don't want to pay to live with him I recommend you hold off and let him live on his own for a while, then if he asks you to move in again I personally believe you shouldn't have to pay rent.
So you get the benefit of all your income goes to you, and he gets no financial benefit whatsoever for you living with him? I would at least hope you buy all the groceries and power bills if you are not "paying" for the place itself. it would be nice if both parties get to benefit financially from living together, not just one half.
No need to get offensive, man. I buy groceries, I cook all the meals, I help keep the house clean, and I take care of the dogs. I take care of my man. I have my own bills to pay, and I help pay for the vacations and trips we take.
All I said was that he already had a home that he was paying for before I lived there.
It works for us.
Seriously, calm down.6 -
*speechless*5
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CoffeeAndContour wrote: »CoffeeAndContour wrote: »CoffeeAndContour wrote: »How would it cost more to share rent when you’re paying full rent right now? And when he said to pay him it’s likely cause he’s putting his name on the lease. If you’re living there get your name on the lease too. But as for paying rent while living with him. Yes you should pay your half. He shouldn’t have to pay for you. All shared bills should be split 50:50.
I have my own place that I own right now is that I'm saying, sorry for the confusion
Ahh okay! Have you talked to him about sharing your mortgage? I’d be hesitant to give up my home to go rent one seeing that the home is suitable for the both of you.
Oh um my dad paid for the place so I don't owe a mortgage or anything, sorry for not being very very clear first time
Even better! You both save money. He moves in and you spilt the bills. Your Mom is from a different time. People made enough money to be a one income house hold. We don’t have that luxury anymore. And to be frank I wouldn’t want a man to take care of me financially. Emotionally, intimately, yes. But women worked dang hard so we could stand on our own. And I don’t recommend giving up the power that having your own money holds. Aside from that he really shouldn’t have to pay for you. In doing so he also gives up his extra money and I’m sure he would rather spend that money elsewhere. Like pursuing hobbies and taking his lady out for a date.
I always say I'd love nothing more than to stay home and pop babies out and be taken care of but honestly I'd lose my mind. I need to make my own money, if I'm not making money I feel useless. Plus I'm a spender, I don't want to put that on anyone else lol If I want to make a stupid purchase then I can because I worked for this money dammit!3 -
Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice. Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
OK, time out. You guys should not be moving in with each other. And if you are both the type of person who is willing to uproot his/her life for someone you barely know (I know you don't think you barely know him but, trust me, you barely know him), you honestly shouldn't be together. Do some growing up (I'm assuming you are early 20s and God help you if you are 30+), date some guys who don't have the exact same immaturity/quirks as you, and for the love of all that is good, never move in with someone who hasn't even farted in front of you yet.
You're right I got into a relationship with him the 2nd day I knew him but he is from Poland and I have been in that community for a long time and I think that things happen faster in this culture. I am 29 yes. And he has farted in front of me and snored which has made it hard for me to sleep so honestly it may be best if I don't live with him if he expects me to pay him!
@silkmouse - Is there any chance that this is just a language barrier issue? If so (or if you just want to see what he will say), just ask, "I was a bit surprised when you mentioned me paying you to live with you. Would you please explain exactly what you mean, because I've never heard it stated like that? Thank you."6 -
CoffeeAndContour wrote: »CoffeeAndContour wrote: »CoffeeAndContour wrote: »How would it cost more to share rent when you’re paying full rent right now? And when he said to pay him it’s likely cause he’s putting his name on the lease. If you’re living there get your name on the lease too. But as for paying rent while living with him. Yes you should pay your half. He shouldn’t have to pay for you. All shared bills should be split 50:50.
I have my own place that I own right now is that I'm saying, sorry for the confusion
Ahh okay! Have you talked to him about sharing your mortgage? I’d be hesitant to give up my home to go rent one seeing that the home is suitable for the both of you.
Oh um my dad paid for the place so I don't owe a mortgage or anything, sorry for not being very very clear first time
Even better! You both save money. He moves in and you spilt the bills. Your Mom is from a different time. People made enough money to be a one income house hold. We don’t have that luxury anymore. And to be frank I wouldn’t want a man to take care of me financially. Emotionally, intimately, yes. But women worked dang hard so we could stand on our own. And I don’t recommend giving up the power that having your own money holds. Aside from that he really shouldn’t have to pay for you. In doing so he also gives up his extra money and I’m sure he would rather spend that money elsewhere. Like pursuing hobbies and taking his lady out for a date.
Let's not forget that until very recently in history, women were not allowed to have their own line of credit. Many were not allowed to have their own bank accounts that was going quite a ways back... But it's true. Women had to have their fathers or their husbands permission for things. We've come a long way from that and I don't ever want to go back to that again.2 -
I wish I could live somewhere rent free. I still live at home with my mum and I pay her2
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OP, he's priming you to undermine your own womanly instincts, your need for security through traditional matrimony and to casually dismiss your natural maternal role as full time caretaker of biological offspring in lieu of some fly-by-night "partnership".
What are you going to do when he knocks you up in this equal opportunity loveshack? Work at your little job until you're 9 months pregnant and ready to pop? Then stay home for 6 weeks while he huffs and puffs because you're not earning your keep? Then when baby is 6 weeks old, pump some milk, pack it in dry ice, drop the poor thing off at the nearest day care and go back to work answering phone calls and emails in an office so you can pay your half of the rent?
No sweetie. No.
Where do you live? I want to hire you to write my newsletters.7 -
My boyfriend has said he wants to marry me and has asked me to live with him. He is looking for a place right now. The first many times he brought it up, he said I wouldn't have to pay but now he is saying I need to pay him to live there. This makes me hesitate because it feels like a business transaction. If we have kids, will the kids have to pay to live there too? Plus in the past when he wasn't working I would pay for his ticket to museums or transportation and didn't ask him to pay me.
At this point if he views the relationship as a business deal I am thinking I may have to break it off even though everything has been great so far and he has been a great partner. If he is only with me in hopes of getting paid, it seems really inappropriate. I don't want to be mean, maybe I understood him wrong, but after he finds a place if he again voices that I have to pay him to live there, I'll tell him this is not the relationship I'm looking for and that I have enough self-respect to stay single.
My father for instance took care of the whole family and my mother volunteers. He never charged her anything!
Have you ever thought about getting a house boat?3 -
If you don't want to pay him, don't move in with him.
I've lived with two boyfriends. The first one, we had decided to live together, found a place, and split the costs. This sounds kind of what your situation is, and is totally normal, you should expect to pay rent in this situation.
The other one already had his own place. He asked me to move in, and I was not required to pay rent/utilities as he was already covering them on his own. This man is now my husband, and although I do contribute to things like groceries, vacations, etc, he has never once asked me to give him money to live there.
Basically if you don't want to pay to live with him I recommend you hold off and let him live on his own for a while, then if he asks you to move in again I personally believe you shouldn't have to pay rent.
So you get the benefit of all your income goes to you, and he gets no financial benefit whatsoever for you living with him? I would at least hope you buy all the groceries and power bills if you are not "paying" for the place itself. it would be nice if both parties get to benefit financially from living together, not just one half.
No need to get offensive, man. I buy groceries, I cook all the meals, I help keep the house clean, and I take care of the dogs. I take care of my man. I have my own bills to pay, and I help pay for the vacations and trips we take.
All I said was that he already had a home that he was paying for before I lived there.
It works for us.
Seriously, calm down.
I am calm, no caps or exclamation points that would indicate otherwise. You didn't mention you were contributing which is why I brought that up. when I moved in with my ex, I paid her $600/month, plus all of the groceries, and all of my own expenditures (car, insurance, etc.) I still had my old place but rented it out, so it almost paid for itself. I would have felt like a mooch had I paid much less than that, and it probably worked out to be half of the household expenses even though she used to cover 100% of them before I came along.
If what you guys do works for you great, I was pointing out that one should not expect to not help and get a free ride, which is what you made it sound like, before your follow up, in which you indicated you cover some household/relationship expenses.0 -
Why do i keep coming in here10
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Why does he want to live together? Why do you?
Maybe he does want to live together primarily for money reasons right now. Getting a nicer place than either of you can afford alone, sharing expenses. Maybe he wants that and the pleasure of your company.
It is pretty common to share expenses when you live with someone particularly if both people are working and not married. If a couple is married and only one income obviously that will be used for the whole household.
Talk to him and find out if he meant paying a share of rent, utilities, food, internet, etc. Maybe he meant he would put things in his name and you would pay him a sum that would cover your share. You'll have to talk about it.
Let him know that if you get married in future that you do not plan to contribute financially at all if that is your expectation of marriage. He may have a different idea of how family finances should go. It could be a deal breaker for both of you.1 -
I'm fascinated by this thread. I can't figure out the o p. I suspect a troll but I'm not sure. I feel like by commenting I'm falling into her trap. But yet I know people who live like this who make crazy *kitten* decisions and then wonder how they got in the situation they're in.
Nah, I think it's legit. The same things in your brain that tell you it's a good idea to move in with someone after 3 weeks also tell you it's a good idea to solicit advice re this arrangement from strangers on a health and fit board.9 -
CaptainFantastic00 wrote: »Why do i keep coming in here
Your profile picture matches your reply perfectly.11 -
If you don't want to pay him, don't move in with him.
I've lived with two boyfriends. The first one, we had decided to live together, found a place, and split the costs. This sounds kind of what your situation is, and is totally normal, you should expect to pay rent in this situation.
The other one already had his own place. He asked me to move in, and I was not required to pay rent/utilities as he was already covering them on his own. This man is now my husband, and although I do contribute to things like groceries, vacations, etc, he has never once asked me to give him money to live there.
Basically if you don't want to pay to live with him I recommend you hold off and let him live on his own for a while, then if he asks you to move in again I personally believe you shouldn't have to pay rent.
So you get the benefit of all your income goes to you, and he gets no financial benefit whatsoever for you living with him? I would at least hope you buy all the groceries and power bills if you are not "paying" for the place itself. it would be nice if both parties get to benefit financially from living together, not just one half.
No need to get offensive, man. I buy groceries, I cook all the meals, I help keep the house clean, and I take care of the dogs. I take care of my man. I have my own bills to pay, and I help pay for the vacations and trips we take.
All I said was that he already had a home that he was paying for before I lived there.
It works for us.
Seriously, calm down.
I am calm, no caps or exclamation points that would indicate otherwise. You didn't mention you were contributing which is why I brought that up. when I moved in with my ex, I paid her $600/month, plus all of the groceries, and all of my own expenditures (car, insurance, etc.) I still had my old place but rented it out, so it almost paid for itself. I would have felt like a mooch had I paid much less than that, and it probably worked out to be half of the household expenses even though she used to cover 100% of them before I came along.
If what you guys do works for you great, I was pointing out that one should not expect to not help and get a free ride, which is what you made it sound like, before your follow up, in which you indicated you cover some household/relationship expenses.
One of the many reasons I left an ex of mine
I bought my house all on my own. He decided to move in and I was cool with that but anytime I would bring up paying a few bills, he would say he pays for most of the groceries and that should be enough because it isnt his house.
Um boy, bye!
You live with me. You take up electric, water, sewage, sleep under a roof, ac/heat... yadda yadda.
I couldn't imagine living with someone and paying nothing or even just groceries.9 -
If you cook, clean, do laundry, and give me sex 24/7 you can live with me rent free. lol6
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CaptainFantastic00 wrote: »Why do i keep coming in here
Your profile picture matches your reply perfectly.
Thank you
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liftorgohome wrote: »If you cook, clean, do laundry, and give me sex 24/7 you can live with me rent free. lol
Yes, but do you supply free dutch ovens and alarm clocks?4 -
CaptainFantastic00 wrote: »Why do i keep coming in here
Your profile picture matches your reply perfectly.
Stop flirting with my man or start paying me for the privilege2 -
e.
My father for instance took care of the whole family and my mother volunteers. He never charged her anything!
Okay, let's unpack this a bit. Is he asking you to "help" or contribute to the bills, or is he asking for a set amount for you to live in his apartment. To me, there is a difference. If he is saying, hey, I can't pay for this on my own (even if he promised he would, he may not have realized how expensive it is) that is reasonable. If he is saying, you have to pay for your share of everything, let's split everything 50-50 and all that, I think it's weird. I know someone who was with her BF for ten years and they always sorted out who was gonna pay for dinner and all of that stuff. I mean, I guess it works for some people, but I find it a totally alien experience. lol. My husband and I have always shared everything. He moved into my apartment, which was all my own, after we got together, and then after a few months he started giving me some rent money. It wasn't a strict, set thing. It's just if you can help, you should.
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eccomi_qui wrote: »CaptainFantastic00 wrote: »Why do i keep coming in here
Your profile picture matches your reply perfectly.
Stop flirting with my man or start paying me for the privilege
I can't afford it. I have rent to pay.2 -
eccomi_qui wrote: »CaptainFantastic00 wrote: »Why do i keep coming in here
Your profile picture matches your reply perfectly.
Stop flirting with my man or start paying me for the privilege
I can't afford it. I have rent to pay.
Wow, patriarchy much?1 -
eccomi_qui wrote: »CaptainFantastic00 wrote: »Why do i keep coming in here
Your profile picture matches your reply perfectly.
Stop flirting with my man or start paying me for the privilege
Awe booo1
This discussion has been closed.
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