Dating a Divorced, Older Man

Options
24567…10

Replies

  • Keto_N_Iron
    Keto_N_Iron Posts: 5,385 Member
    Options
    CatsIvuE wrote: »
    This thread saddens me

    Life saddens me
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    Options
    I think he’s made it pretty clear that he won’t be giving you the verbal affirmation you need. Which means he will keep hurting you as long as you two are together.

    He’s a great guy with commitment issues. He needs a non committal woman.

    You need a different great guy who will fall head over heels for you, and can tell you so.

    Now, you can ignore this advice and stick it out but you’ve been warned.
  • Keto_N_Iron
    Keto_N_Iron Posts: 5,385 Member
    Options
    SabotageinStilettos wrote: »
    Try an anchor baby. If that doesn’t change him, I don’t know what will.

    :D:D:D
  • Keto_N_Iron
    Keto_N_Iron Posts: 5,385 Member
    Options
    CatsIvuE wrote: »
    JustKeepTryin wrote: »
    CatsIvuE wrote: »
    This thread saddens me

    Life saddens me

    Me too but you gotta fake it until you bake it

    Truth. It never really gets better you just get used to it
  • princess7955
    princess7955 Posts: 1,277 Member
    Options
    I am 39 years old and I got married when I was 23.

    My advice to you is to enjoy your 20s!

    If you are happy with this guy, then enjoy your time with him. If you are looking for commitment already into a possible future together, then this may be a breaking point for the relationship. It may scare him away, but if that’s what you need in a relationship (commitment for future marriage, etc) then he might not be the best partner for you at this time of your life.

    Be happy!
  • Frankie_Fan
    Frankie_Fan Posts: 562 Member
    Options
    Couples counseling?
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    Options
    He makes it sound like he... wants to want marriage again. I mean I’ve asked him why we are together if he’s not even sure about that, and he says he’s not sure he doesnt. He acknowledges this of course isn’t fair to me as our options are to call it off or for me to wait around and see if he makes up his mind and lands on the same page.
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,325 Member
    edited May 2018
    Options
    swagoner94 wrote: »
    Hey MFP Fam:

    I’m 23, dating a 36 year old man that was divorced two years ago after about 3 years of dating and 2 years of marriage. The woman was unfaithful and their marriage quickly deteriorated to the point of divorce.

    I’ve only dated one other person and obviously have less life experience on him. However, I’m crazy about him and he’s the greatest guy in the world. I honestly can’t imagine someone having him and being able to throw him away.

    We’ve been seeing each other for 9 months and it’s been pretty great. Unfortunately, I’ve been getting insecure and unsettled by the lack of verbal affirmation from him. Words of Affirmation is one of my top “Love Languages.” However, he says he has a hard time giving verbal affirmation because he doesn’t want to give me any false hope. He says he is essentially jaded and has commitment issues. He isn’t even sure he wants to be married again. He is wrestling with it and says he cares deeply about me but just needs to figure this out. This is a sentiment he only recently shared. I was clear that marriage is my end goal. He’s not hesitant to spend time with me, date me, or be physically affectionate with me... but he can’t verbally affirm me...

    I’m trying to understand something I truly can’t fully grasp - I realize that. But someone please help me understand. This makes me feel so insecure and I hate feeling like my head over heels affections are not reciprocated. I often tell him so many affirming things about him with little in return. My feelings are unconditional and I don’t express them TO get them in return, but I can’t be sustained mentally or emotionally without it ever! I’ve expressed this as well. He says he’ll need to mull this over and see if that’s something he can give me despite his hesitancy with commitment.

    Am I just a transitional relationship? A pit stop along his journey to recovery? He’s so amazing; should I ride this out and keep trying to exercise patience in the hopes that MAYBE he will choose me and be able to affirm me? Am I silly for feeling I need that?

    and you honestly believe his divorce was ONLY about her...really? 36 is not "an older man" he is just coming into maturity...

  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    Options
    invisiblewoman5 wrote: »
    Run. Go live your life. For a lot of years. Have fun. Get a career. Be independent and become your own person. Find out who you truly are and what you truly want in life. Don't let another carve that path for you.
    I am independent. I have a career (HR in a leading video company). I’m 23 but I live on my own in LA. I’ve got my retirement plan and I’m settled. I’ve never been one of those care free, “let’s go travel the world” types of millennial individuals. I am living my life. But to me that’s not necessarily enjoying multiple relationships with various people to figure that out or floating around without direction. I have a solid grasp on who I am at my core. I know things will change for me in my 20s, but my fundamental character and being are pretty set and I know what that is.

    I think there’s a line separating (1) this isn’t fair and I need to just walk away, as painful as that is, and (2) unconditional love for a person requires working through tough seasons and being patient, bearing the burdens alongside your person. Marriages end in divorce so often because despite the epitome of commitment that is marriage, people still choose option 1. Unless they’re being abused emotionally or physically, or unless there’s adulterousness, married folks should act as though option 1 doesn’t exist - in my opinion. I’m however, not married. But dating is practice for it. So I’m here in between the two.

    Most of you seem to say option 1. But I don’t want to choose that because I’m 23 or because I’m 23 and just need to live my life.
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    Options
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    swagoner94 wrote: »
    And I could happily have kids tomorrow!

    but that's obviously not what he wants...

    he might love you, he might not, but the fact is that you want different things because you want him to say things that he cant/wont...

    you have 2 choices, keep things as they are, with you not getting the affirmation you need, or end it and find someone else who is on the same page as you relationship-wise.

    He’s always wanted kids. I only said that because a previous comment was that I might want them when I’m 30 and he might not. I may have misread it though!
  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    Options
    swagoner94 wrote: »
    He makes it sound like he... wants to want marriage again. I mean I’ve asked him why we are together if he’s not even sure about that, and he says he’s not sure he doesnt. He acknowledges this of course isn’t fair to me as our options are to call it off or for me to wait around and see if he makes up his mind and lands on the same page.

    I am a little old fashioned, when you give yourself completely and in every way and the other is not, that is a tale tale sign that its most likely not going to change especially after a year. For all the things you described about him in your OP, take it all for what its worth and what he is saying to you.

    Either stay or move on. If you leave him, he might follow you, he might decide that he does love and cannot live without you. So there's that. But if he doesn't this should help you with moving on. Don't ever let a dead end relatioship hold you back, but you are young many life's lessons you have learn on your own, but either way learn from the experience it will shape you and prepare you for the next.
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,325 Member
    Options
    listen to your own body..its talking to you loud and clear.
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    Options
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    As someone who has been older/divorced and dating, I can relate to his mindset/struggles. It's a process, for sure.

    As for you... you either want him, or you want whatever you've envisioned for yourself (marriage, kids, fairy tale, etc). You have to decide how those 2 things mesh for you, and how you prioritize those things for your own happiness.

    I do think being in a transitional relationship is riskier than most other relationships (based on my n=1 experience). You're young AND you're meaningfully younger than him. I'd say your best bet is to move on and find someone in the same place as you... but that doesn't mean it's your only bet.

    Thank you for your comment. I’ve read a lot of articles and it seems many divorced men can deal with these problems. I want him. I have no problem waiting. I’ve told him I’m not looking to get married tomorrow. But that I just need verbal affirmation while I wait. It’s hard for me to even feel like he likes me back if he never says so. Well, he will say “I like you.” But that is the extent of it. No other affirmation even when I’m being insecure. Yet it’s just hard for him to say what he feels knowing that marriage is valuable to me and he isn’t yet 100% sure about it yet. I don’t idolize marriage itself. It’s just my personal conviction that marriage is the way relationships should be. A whole hearted devotion to one another until death do us part. Again, I’m not saying today or tomorrow or the next day. I’m patient - especially for someone as precious and wonderful as him. I just get down without affirmation....

Categories