Dating a Divorced, Older Man

bobshuckleberry wrote: »

First of all I am not going to say anything about age difference. My mom's first husband was 12 years older (he died at 42) and my dad was 16 years older. My husband is 11 years older than me and I have dated as many as 18 years older. Age has nothing to do with feelings. Personally I never felt the need or desire to sew wild oats or have party days or whatever and I still do not.
However, I dated someone I was head over heels for (he was ten years my senior) before I met my (second) husband. He was not ready to call what we had a relationship after almost a year. At some point I finally believed him that he would never marry again and more than likely would never get over his ex. I broke it off. I met my husband.
Several times after I started seeing my husband he called to see if I was still happy and still dating someone else. I found out years later that he regretted being such a bull head.
I would move on. He may figure out after you are gone that he was being stupid. Then again he may not. Either way, you have a decision to make. Move on and let him have his space to figure out his feelings or stay and feel unworthy of a real relationship.

Thank you for sharing this. My guy definitely calls what we have, a "relationship." He just knows that I don't date for any other purpose than to see if marriage is possible, and he isn't sure if he can open back up to marriage again. So, since he doesn't know that yet, he doesn't want verbal affirmation to give too much hope for that if in the end he doesn't get there. He sees himself opening back up to it. But he's not all the way opened up to it at the moment. He feels that verbal affirmation is like a promise for something he can't promise me right now...

I tried to explain to him that verbal affirmation is only one thing that gives me hope. That by being with me at all, and by expressing his feeling all the other ways he does, THAT gives me hope. So I have a hard time understanding why he picks and choose which expressions he can act on. It's like he just picked verbal affirmation to withhold.. but won't withhold anywhere else. And it just so happens that the one he picked is the one I'm presently most yearning for. But I'm trying to be patient because I feel he's worth it. But I'm hearing a lot of you feel differently. That it's not worth the wait.

I know there's no guarantee anything will change at all. It's hard for me to trust that I deserve something else and should move on. I'm sure if I did move on and found something else, I could much more easily look back and think... okay, yeah, I totally did deserve something more. But right now, I know I have an amazing guy. And that's about it. Maybe I need to put a time on it? Wait for x more months and if nothing has improved??? I don't think I would share the timeline, but maybe it's a good idea for me to set one in my own mind? Good idea? bad idea? if good idea, what would be a good number of months? It's been 9 so far... about 1 since I've brought up that I need verbal affirmation.

Lounmoun wrote: »

Maybe I need to put a time on it? Wait for x more months and if nothing has improved??? I don't think I would share the timeline, but maybe it's a good idea for me to set one in my own mind? Good idea? bad idea? if good idea, what would be a good number of months? It's been 9 so far... about 1 since I've brought up that I need verbal affirmation.

If you are not seeing any effort or decision from him to move forward in your relationship in another month I think that is plenty of time to give it. You told him your end goal, you told him what was important to you. If he wants to stay with you then he should be showing some effort to change and work through his issues. When someone wants something they make the effort. If he isn't making effort then he doesn't want what you want.

Thank you, I appreciate your answer!

mom23mangos wrote: »

I think giving it at time frame in your own mind is a GREAT idea. I also hadn't realized it had only been a month since you'd brought up your needs. I'd say give it another 3 months...go to the 1yr mark. You should have a REALLY good idea by then whether he's in or out at that point. Then you also do like I suggested earlier and put at timeframe on the separation if you don't want to totally close that door. Allow yourself to revisit how you feel about each other after 6 months.

Edit - you might also need to remind him. Not nag, but maybe every few weeks, mention how much you appreciate XYZ, but remind him that you need words of affirmation too. That it's something you can't have a long term relationship without.

Thank you! This is very practical and helpful advice. I appreciate it!

cjv73 wrote: »

So, the short form of what I'm saying: it's a sad and lonely relationship when your love language isn't being met, and I think he has made it clear that he can't meet that need for you. It's not about the age gap or about his divorce, it's his personality. That love language is foreign to him. And it won't change. From one woman desiring to save another woman from future heartache, please let him go, and find someone with whom you can truly be happy.

I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m glad you’re together and he excels in many other areas but you also deserve to hear those things and I wish he would humble himself and make an effort to give you that, even if it’s unnatural for him at first.

Thanks for sharing this. It’s hard to hear but I understand. My guy even told me growing up his family NEVER gave each other that kind of affirmation so it really may be altogether foreign to him. Sadly..

Bullet_with_Butterfly_Wings wrote: »

You are quoted as saying...

"he says he has a hard time giving verbal affirmation because he doesn’t want to give me any false hope. He says he is essentially jaded and has commitment issues. He isn’t even sure he wants to be married again"

What stands out to me are the words false hope commitment issues and not sure he wants to be married again

He has basically told you just exactly where he stands. There is no mystery to solve here. Listen to him without hearing what it is you want to hear. A woman's intuition is her greatest gift.... Don't ignore it. It is that which has brought you here to ask a bunch of strangers what they think as you try to twist and pull apart his intentions.

Care for yourself.

This is my advice fwiw. All the best

You’re so right. He said that. I heard it. He also DID give me what might be false hope because he also told me he never thought he would date again and here he is so the potential to open back up to marriage is revealing itself. But I’m in limbo. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Stick around to find out...... or don’t.