How to politely tell a coworker that their comments make me feel bad?
Replies
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cmriverside wrote: »"Did you really just comment again about my body? Next time, I will take my documented descriptions of your comments to HR."
Yeah, I wouldn't even try to come up with "nice."
Not really something I’d want to get HR involved in since I have to work with her for 12 hours each week I’m an ambulance. I feel like involving HR would make things worse.
But you have just as much right to be in a workplace where you're not waiting for the next time she does it, either. If you're still truly hesitant then warn her that one more comment and you'll be going to HR. And stand by it. If she makes it worse keep going back to HR.1 -
I agree with everyone here, what this person is saying IS harassment. But we all lead out own lives so, to answer the question, I would just tell the person that his kind of commentary is making you uncomfortable.0
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Thank you everyone. She is actually my “good” partner so definitely want to keep her around. My other two seem to be trying for a world record of stupid (I wish that was an understatement.
I actually sent her text (felt tnqould be easier because I hate conflict for the most part). She apologized and said she actually meant it as a compliment-as in she has been tying to work out to get a bigger booty, but won’t say anything anymore.I have been struggling with this politely thing regarding their comment.
Perhaps you could say I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I appreciate our working relationship but kindly ask that you not discuss my weight or body any longer. No offense but this is just something I am very sensitive about.
That said, report them to HR and get a new nice partner to work with.
Lol our partner pool is extremely limited. If I did change, there is a good chance I’d ended up with someone worse.
I’d rather work with a competent partner who makes the occasional rude comment than work with someone who is incompetent who I wouldn’t trust to babysit a pet rock.
I'm so glad you got it out. I'm also glad that she wasn't intending it the way you were taking it. Not that her comments are appropriate, just that she was seeing it as a complement. Hopefully, your work relationship can stay good.3 -
Thank you everyone. She is actually my “good” partner so definitely want to keep her around. My other two seem to be trying for a world record of stupid (I wish that was an understatement.
I actually sent her text (felt tnqould be easier because I hate conflict for the most part). She apologized and said she actually meant it as a compliment-as in she has been tying to work out to get a bigger booty, but won’t say anything anymore.I have been struggling with this politely thing regarding their comment.
Perhaps you could say I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I appreciate our working relationship but kindly ask that you not discuss my weight or body any longer. No offense but this is just something I am very sensitive about.
That said, report them to HR and get a new nice partner to work with.
Lol our partner pool is extremely limited. If I did change, there is a good chance I’d ended up with someone worse.
I’d rather work with a competent partner who makes the occasional rude comment than work with someone who is incompetent who I wouldn’t trust to babysit a pet rock.
I’m assuming you’ve worked with her long enough that she was there when you were losing weight pre-pregnancy and knows what you’ve been through? It was still a bit rude. But I’m glad she knows better now.0 -
Thank you everyone. She is actually my “good” partner so definitely want to keep her around. My other two seem to be trying for a world record of stupid (I wish that was an understatement.
I actually sent her text (felt tnqould be easier because I hate conflict for the most part). She apologized and said she actually meant it as a compliment-as in she has been tying to work out to get a bigger booty, but won’t say anything anymore.I have been struggling with this politely thing regarding their comment.
Perhaps you could say I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I appreciate our working relationship but kindly ask that you not discuss my weight or body any longer. No offense but this is just something I am very sensitive about.
That said, report them to HR and get a new nice partner to work with.
Lol our partner pool is extremely limited. If I did change, there is a good chance I’d ended up with someone worse.
I’d rather work with a competent partner who makes the occasional rude comment than work with someone who is incompetent who I wouldn’t trust to babysit a pet rock.
I’m assuming you’ve worked with her long enough that she was there when you were losing weight pre-pregnancy and knows what you’ve been through? It was still a bit rude. But I’m glad she knows better now.
No, she’s actually relatively new (only been working together about 4 months). Sadly I lost most of my permanent partners from prepregnancy. Two no longer work at the company and the other changed his schedule to all day shifts because of child care issues.1 -
cmriverside wrote: »"Did you really just comment again about my body? Next time, I will take my documented descriptions of your comments to HR."
Yeah, I wouldn't even try to come up with "nice."
Not really something I’d want to get HR involved in since I have to work with her for 12 hours each week I’m an ambulance. I feel like involving HR would make things worse.
stand up for yourself or stop complaining then.
What they are doing is not only just mean but HIGHLY inappropriate for anyone, much less the workplace. But if yo're not willing to DO something about it, then theres nothing any of us can say that will help.7 -
NVM. Should've read other posts before I commented.1
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I can change the size of my butt - but you will stay stupid forever!1
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You have to confront this person yourself if you are not comfortable reporting it to HR. This person should not be allowed to continue this and you need to explain that it has to stop it or you will have no other options but to file a complaint with your HR department.
This is totally unacceptable behavior and extremely immature on this persons part.
Everyone deserves to work in an environment with non-abusive co workers.0 -
Cool - that's exactly how I would have handled it - start out nice and escalate only if necessary, given the circumstance
This bit actually scares me a little, considering what you do...Lol our partner pool is extremely limited. If I did change, there is a good chance I’d ended up with someone worse.
I’d rather work with a competent partner who makes the occasional rude comment than work with someone who is incompetent who I wouldn’t trust to babysit a pet rock.
edited to fix quotes2 -
Cool - that's exactly how I would have handled it - start out nice and escalate only if necessary, given the circumstance
This bit actually scares me a little, considering what you do...Lol our partner pool is extremely limited. If I did change, there is a good chance I’d ended up with someone worse.
I’d rather work with a competent partner who makes the occasional rude comment than work with someone who is incompetent who I wouldn’t trust to babysit a pet rock.
edited to fix quotes
Don’t get me wrong, they have to be somewhat competent to pass all the exams, but there are definitely people that a majority of us look at am are like”how do you still work here?” It’s not so much that they don’t know what they are doing, but rather are lazy or don’t want to put effort into what they do.
There is one (who thankfully dropped my shift) that is elitist, but doesn’t verbalize it. Everyone notices his treatment varies based on where we get the call from. A shelter? Must be “nonsense”, from the nicer section of our area- will go the extra mile. He has been written up by everyone who works with him and has numerous patient complaints. Waiting for he day he says the wrong thing to the wrong person and gets his butt handed back to him. How he still works here, I haven’t the slightest clue.2 -
cmriverside wrote: »"Did you really just comment again about my body? Next time, I will take my documented descriptions of your comments to HR."
Yeah, I wouldn't even try to come up with "nice."
Not really something I’d want to get HR involved in since I have to work with her for 12 hours each week I’m an ambulance. I feel like involving HR would make things worse.
Most sane people would be embarassed as soon as you brought up or went to HR and shape up immediately. Most sane people don’t comment on butts either, but still.2 -
I'd be like, "You sure like to look at my butt a lot. Do you have a crush on me?"3
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Cool - that's exactly how I would have handled it - start out nice and escalate only if necessary, given the circumstance
This bit actually scares me a little, considering what you do...Lol our partner pool is extremely limited. If I did change, there is a good chance I’d ended up with someone worse.
I’d rather work with a competent partner who makes the occasional rude comment than work with someone who is incompetent who I wouldn’t trust to babysit a pet rock.
edited to fix quotes
Don’t get me wrong, they have to be somewhat competent to pass all the exams, but there are definitely people that a majority of us look at am are like”how do you still work here?” It’s not so much that they don’t know what they are doing, but rather are lazy or don’t want to put effort into what they do.
There is one (who thankfully dropped my shift) that is elitist, but doesn’t verbalize it. Everyone notices his treatment varies based on where we get the call from. A shelter? Must be “nonsense”, from the nicer section of our area- will go the extra mile. He has been written up by everyone who works with him and has numerous patient complaints. Waiting for he day he says the wrong thing to the wrong person and gets his butt handed back to him. How he still works here, I haven’t the slightest clue.
Got it! Attitude related not skills related.0 -
cmriverside wrote: »"Did you really just comment again about my body? Next time, I will take my documented descriptions of your comments to HR."
Yeah, I wouldn't even try to come up with "nice."
Not really something I’d want to get HR involved in since I have to work with her for 12 hours each week I’m an ambulance. I feel like involving HR would make things worse.
I think you are right and should try to deal with it yourself first.
"I don't know if you think you are funny but cut the *kitten* debra, you're pissing me off" (while looking directly in her face and be forceful when you say it, you kinda wanna shock her with your irritation)
If that doesn't work confront her again in front of coworkers, in a sincere way and state that it's inappropriate, basically give her a dressing down were others can witness and know about what she is doing. If that still doesn't work..........HR1 -
I worked in a coffee shop and had customers on more than one time ask me "when is baby born"?? Then wonder why im curt with them after!!
Its just plain rude.
I work with a naturally slim girl and they also have the need to say how "skinny" she looks.
What is wrong with people!!!!
Sometimes id be tempted to remark on their "flaws" and see how they like it but i know how it hurts so just wont do it.
Oh and people i work and live with say i have "a look" which means im p***ed off maybe thrown them "your look"
Good luck0 -
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not sure if this will make a difference to you in this situation but from what I can tell it is a woman saying this to another woman. So I don't think it's a sexual thing OP didn't say she felt that it was, she just said it hurt her feelings. Also that is way too much trouble(time, money) for OP to go to for something so small that she hasn't even tried to address herself yet. I would actually think less of someone that would run out and get an Attorney for this without trying to solve the issue internally first. I really hope you thought this was a sexual harrassment thing, because that's the only way your advice should be taken to that extreme right out of the gate.1 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »It's another woman making these comments about your butt? Tell her they are unacceptable and to please just stop it, already.
Sadly, sometimes you have to teach people how to treat you. And if you let them treat you badly, you are not being part of the solution.
A confused look and "Are you coming on to me?" will either stop the comments, or make it HR/EO worthy, Either way, problem solved.0 -
I wouldn't be nice. I wouldn't be mean either, just straight up tell them to knock it off. No humor because they might not think you're being serious/that its a light matter. An old co-worker bothered me for ages and I finally let him have it one day, and it felt good. I learned something there. I think it does you, and the people around you, good to know you have boundaries and that you'll speak up when they're being pushed.4
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Even if it was illegal to comment on the size of a particular body part (and I'm not sure that it is), you're not going to accomplish anything legally if you don't first at least try to solve the problem through normal channels. What exactly is an attorney going to do here?4 -
skelterhelter wrote: »I'd be like, "You sure like to look at my butt a lot. Do you have a crush on me?"
Maybe its because im trying to get better at picking up when someone is hitting on me vs just being nice..but this was my actual first thought lol. God i suck at this.1 -
43Ninebark wrote: »I wouldn't be nice. I wouldn't be mean either, just straight up tell them to knock it off. No humor because they might not think you're being serious/that its a light matter. An old co-worker bothered me for ages and I finally let him have it one day, and it felt good. I learned something there. I think it does you, and the people around you, good to know you have boundaries and that you'll speak up when they're being pushed.
There's benefit to using humor or using something that can be spun as humor, in that if the comment was totally misinterpreted, there remains an out for you/the person making the comment.
As in this case, it appears that the coworker was slightly envious, and a more aggressive/hostile reaction might have caused problems going forward, whereas a straightforward unemotional or humorous query lets both people remain on a cordial context. And if the comment was hostile, can always escalate to direct or harsh, but it's much harder to de-escalate.3 -
Poisonedpawn78 wrote: »skelterhelter wrote: »I'd be like, "You sure like to look at my butt a lot. Do you have a crush on me?"
Maybe its because im trying to get better at picking up when someone is hitting on me vs just being nice..but this was my actual first thought lol. God i suck at this.
I'm pretty bad at that as well. Fortunately I managed to get married despite my total lack of social skill. I'm getting better, but I've found that having that reputation for being poor at interpreting social cues means I can just ignore the most outrageous of flirting, or alternately shut down unwanted attention by misinterpretation, sometimes I even manage to do it on purpose.
Often my wife and I will talk on the way home from social events, and decompose the situations, especially the ones where I managed to completely ignore totally inappropriate advances for extended periods of time. She finds it hysterical. Other times I'll cue her in that I'm aware and being deliberately obtuse and then it's all she can do not to laugh out loud.5 -
I guess I'm shocked that in today's society anyone actually is bold (stupid) enough to make comments regarding someone's physical appearance. It's such an HR-world, you'd think that people would know better.
While I'd say reporting to HR is the "right" thing to do, the better thing to do is definitely "clap back" in your way to make sure they know those comments are not OK.0 -
I'm glad you spoke with her (even if through text) and let her know it is not ok to comment on your body. That is the first step, however if she continues such comments you should talk to her as a friend (since you are friendly with her) and tell her it isn't appropriate to speak about someone's body and it could get her fired. I work in HR and have fired people for exactly this. If she says comments like this, even if meant as a compliment, it really matters how the other individual takes it and once HR is aware it is handled and lots of times that means either suspension or termination. Not many second chances when it comes to sexual harassment in our lawsuit heavy day-and-age.1
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Alrighty then. I've been here. If this is your boss and you don't actually have a HR dept, then you have to deal with this one on one. You can start searching for another job or learn how to deal with the bully. A snake will look you directly in the eye but a dog will look down when they know they've done you wrong.
Look them directly in the eye and repeat back what they've said to you in the form of a question. Do it every single time. They might answer you the first time but eventually they will get your drift. Don't be their victim or it will continue.
My there, Marina, you have such a big lard@$$. Why do you think I have such a big......?
Don't give the bully the response they're looking for. Always repeat word for word in the form of a question what they've said -looking them square in the eye. This should snap them back into reality. If you have a HR, by all means... but dealing with it directly, meeting it head-on, square your shoulders, face-to-face, don't wince...that should take care of it. Nobody puts baby in a corner.2 -
I'd turn it around and embarrass them "why are you so obsessed with my butt??"0
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Or you can say, "you can bite this big butt".
But I tend to get snarky when someone is a complete *kitten*.0
This discussion has been closed.
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