WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR JUNE 2018
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Ppp0
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Machka - That's what we are here for. We will listen when you need to vent. Unfortunately our replies aren't in real time. It's not the same, but it is what we can offer.
Lisa - In my case, my hubs has friends that he talks to, but it is normally sports, cars, work or something along those lines. My friends all say about the same thing. I think boys are just wired differently. For the most part, they don't do the emotional talking that we do.
Okie2 -
Lisa -- same here, my DH says I'm his best friend and he doesn't want or need anyone else. The dogs and me are his whole life. We used to do things with couples all the time before we moved into this rural area, and as his arthritis worsened he has became more and more isolated and depressed.
No wonder he gets grumpy, lol. At least he does speak to his brother on the phone about once a month and I'm grateful for that after not having much contact with his family for decades it seems.
I think it places a lot of responsibility on us wives to be their "everything" like that - now then, I'm glad to be there for him and do what I can to care for him and let him know he's special and loved.
These loners do depend on us more and more as they get older... at times, I feel like I'm more his mom and caretaker than the fun wife I once was.
I try not to get resentful, I think it's one of the stages of life. But I am thankful for female friends and again, this group to be able to be among humans now and then and not just the dogs and my grumpier old man, lol.
Lanette
Pensive in SW WA State5 -
LisaMy husband is the social one of our couple but that isn’t saying much.
John has one tried and true best friend (they often refer to themselves as siblings born to different families). She and DH have been best friends since just after college. She is the ultimate extrovert, social organizer, entertainer etc.
She, um, thinks I’m ok, I guess. I thought we were friends, but have finally figured out the signals (She is the person who hosts and plans surprise parties, gets the happy birthday texts out for long distance friends and college buddies etc., passes along all the news (so and so’s book published, BiL passed away etc. )) but over 10 years running ‘forgot’ my birthday. I didn’t figure it out until this year when we visited and I realized the dynamic wasn’t friendly so much as tolerant for the sake of her friendship with John.
John has a few other very good friends - these tend to be guys with whom he has shared some adversity (often work related, like his partner in the ‘fix the y2k bug deal’ 20 years ago). These fellas become good friends and lasting friendships.
He is also a magnet for the ladies. Not superficially (he is very pleasant and average looking but no one is going to ask him to be a model or anything) but because he loves to talk about real things and emotions. I think that is rare.
I consider him a treasure.
Lucky for me, he also is not big on group social engagements - unless they are our old college crowd- he prefers a max of 5 or 6 people. 3 or 4 (including him and me) is better!
Unfortunately he is not so lucky in his spouse this way. As he recently said to me : “I didn’t realize when we married just how close to the Asperger’s spectrum you are”. I can manage one on one usually, but I do need many things spelled out. I just don’t pick up on social cues. My mind is very literal, and I need things spelled out, not polite and obscure.
John thinks that might be due to my impaired senses and disabilities - he said “you spend so much brain time on processing your impaired sensory information; trying to not fall down or walk into anything and trying to hide that: so I think you missed out on learning basic social cues. “.
It is far easier for me to learn a single person’s cues - over time, and lots of one on one interactions especially if they are patient and explain to me when they see I’m missing the point. But that it is a lot of work on my part and requires someone with excess patience and excellent social awareness. (Like my dear husband). I often prefer to keep things at a friendly acquaintance level as it is much easier and I am less likely to get hurt.
I do not think I am good for John socially. I think he would do more with friends and see more people if I were not in the picture. My awkwardness draws out his protectiveness and so we often just find it more pleasant to sit at home with the cats.
I’m going to take what Lisa and Lanette said to heart tho. I don’t want HIM to feel that he’s acting the father to this grumpy old woman! Maybe we should have his best friend from work and wife over for dinner soon! I’ll see what I can do. We both love to cook for others so it could even be fun on the whole!
Rye7 -
Rye - (((HUGS)))). There's a part of me a bit like you as well. When we were first married, he was the social Mr. Fun guy, ladies magnet and I was the rather-stay-at-home gal as I wasn't comfortable with crowds or people I didn't know or have much in common with.
To me, the thing about marriage and long term relationships (even friendships) is that it's never "even". As the years go by, we give different things in different amounts. I think my DH gets discouraged that in his eyes, it's not close to even anymore - but as long as I have other avenues (sometimes more than I'm comfortable with) to refresh my social energy when I need to, I'm fine.
Sending many good thoughts your way!! Your John is a treasure!
Lanette
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Kind of interesting that the conversation should go this way. Like Lanette, I do feel a little pressure. But I realized, hearing him talk to this family now that his dad has passed, that I have zero reference points for how he's feeling. I went to my father's funeral pretty much just to make sure he was dead--and my mother's death spiraled me into depression for nearly two years... with pretty much zero support from my now-ex-husband, in retrospect. My husband's grief lies somewhere in between those two extremes, and the best people he could possibly talk to now are those with the same relationship he had with his dad - his brothers and sisters.
Hope everyone's aware that there are no judgments here... just curiosity, as all I can do right now is make myself available to my husband for anything he needs as he processes his father's death. But, for a change, he's reaching out to his family, or at least open to long conversations with them, and I'm glad of it, as I said. I hadn't even really realized the extent of his dependence on me for an emotional outlet until he had others as that outlet for the first time.
It's also the first true test of his ability to process emotion without alcohol--he quit drinking hard liquor more than a year ago now. While he still drinks beer, it is no longer to excess, and doesn't open those emotional gates for him.
And, Lanette - I completely agree, both that Rye's John is a treasure, and that marriage is NEVER 50-50. The balance shifts all the time.
Interesting times...
Love y'all!
Lisa9 -
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Rebecca: I can't imagine getting along without Vitamin D3 in our region. After a person is so many miles from the equator and in an area that is often cloudy or overcast, it is a huge health helper. I've heard of it referred to as the sunshine vitamin. :flowerforyou:
JanetR: Thanks for good wishes for DD on the sale of her Colorado house. Her realtor tells her is should be a quick sale and good offer because it is in a sought after area. We are keeping our fingers crossed. Her DH has been working hard on renovations that should make it very attractive to buyers.
(((Machka in OZ))): I am so sorry that you are on your own in dealing with your DH's health situation. Like you, DH & I rely mostly each other. We are lucky to have family support from our adult children, although both live far away these days. Despite the physical distance, they supply a connection that I value. I am lucky to have them available by phone.
I have managed to take off a few of the pounds I regained and my knee is feeling better, but not quite as much better as I need for pain relief. I'd like to take off two or three pounds more. I will know that I have met my goal when my knee stops hurting.
Katla in beautiful NW Oregon
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I’ve not been very chatty lately, kind of down. Not sure why.....
Medicare paid for my implant removal. No questions. They were leaking and making me sick.
BFFs... I had one when I lived in TN. We still talk once in a while, but not that much. I’m not much for socializing. Have lots of acquaintances but no special friend. My DH is the same. We are kinda hermits. Lol
Today is hand washing clothes and sheets. Cleaning RV to prepare for next move to Bluewater State Park about 5 hours NorthWest from here.
Have to get going. Laters ladies!
RV Rita at Caballo Lake State Park in New Mexico8 -
Kelly young adults make many blunders before they decide what kind of person they want to be. I wish your young friend had taken the olive branch. I would have.
I know two women, friends from HS, with a story like yours. It took years for the straight friend to forgive the gay friend for being gay, but she finally did, at the gay friend's father's funeral. Unfortunately, they had only a few years to be friends again, because the straight friend has Alzheimer's, and doesn't even know her own husband anymore.
These two women are part of a group of 5 of us who were good friends in HS. There are a couple of others who have joined in since then, and at least 4 of the group gets together every 6 months for the last 35 years to spend a weekend together and catch up. I am the farthest away, so don't get to go as often. My former best friend is not part of that group, but she is friends with some of them, so it's complicated.
Fortunately, all of my friends exept my best friend were unimpressed with my revelation that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a woman, and are perplexed that my former best friend would sacrifice a wonderful friendship instead of figuring out a way to adjust.
I am grateful that most of my old buddies don't care one way or the other.
This group is interesting; gay & straight, conservative & liberal, all levels of education, working & retired, single & married, religious & atheist...I really don't know why we are such good friends, but we are...I really cherish my relationships with other women, including those on this thread.
My partner has her own group of women friends and a best friend from HS.
Then we have some mutual friends, men and women. Lots of friends for two introverted people!
When I was married (twice), both husbands had buddies they spent time with. I liked that. I thought that their friendships and interests which did not involve me made them more interesting people.
Karen in Virginia5 -
I sometimes will be talking to my husband about things like a girlfriend, then come to my senses! "Oh you don't want to hear that"! He says," that's ok"! "If I don't wish to listen, I will tell you".
I posted free boxes on a visual garage sale in Facebook. Had two ladies both wishing, so I told lady #1 that if I didn't hear back from her by 2pm, it would go to the next one waiting. Then lady #2 was really excited, insisting she could come asap! I stuck to my guns, thinking the first lady most likely was in route some where, and couldn't text me. She finally got back to me, and I told lady #2 the boxes weren't available. There are rules you need to follow, and most are just out of respect. Everyone needs patience.
I am still not at 100%, feeling dizzy and swirly now and then throughout the day with vertigo. It affects how I process my food most definitely. Always with a feeling of nausea just under the radar. No fun. Doing my exercises twice a day, and though they make me really nauseous, they do help.
Take care!
Rebecca
Whidbey island
Washington
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I'm getting very frustrated because my photos are not loading.
Want to share with you all.
Love the best friend discussion, but typing on my phone is not easy.
Great day today. Went out on a boat to an old fishing island. 35 inhabitants. Bought sűrstromming - a fermented herring. Apparently smells foul and tastes good. Penny?????
We were shown around by the island's head honcho who is also a clown and internationally renowned. He took us to a famous wooden painted chapel, done in the 18th century by a local young man. Amazing! The king paid for it to be preserved, he liked it so much.
We were welcomed into port by a local jazz band and a red carpet.
We liked the jazz band so much they have been invited on to the ship for a concert tonight at 6 with free champagne on deck.
Much love, Heather xxxxxxxx5 -
Rebecca. Have you tried the Epley maneuvers someone mentioned? It might help your vertigo resolve.0
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This loaded OK. Part of the painted Chapel.
Love Heather ☓7 -
At last, on the eighth try. Us at the formal evening yesterday.:laugh:
Heather ☓13 -
Karen in Va wrote: This group is interesting; gay & straight, conservative & liberal, all levels of education, working & retired, single & married, religious & atheist...I really don't know why we are such good friends, but we are...I really cherish my relationships with other women, including those on this thread.
So very true! Thank you Karen!
Carol in GA5 -
Heather ~ Y'all look very handsome.
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Heather Fabulous.0
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Heather, I'm whistling my best "wheet whooo" at the two of you. You are a beautiful couple. I'm LOVING the photos!!
Janetr OKC1 -
Heather, I am enjoying your adventures and your photos. It is fun to watch you and your husband having such a wonderful trip. It wouldn't work for me because I don't want to leave my dogs, don't want to be around a bunch of people, don't want to eat food prepared by other people, and don't want to have to dress up. Barbie 6
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Im looking to lose 4 lbs in june.
Starting a walking program...working up to 3 miles 4 X a week.
Goal is to stay under 1400 cal day6 -
BFFs
My BFF left her pain in this world in 2005, don't think I'll ever be blessed with another. Fortunately I'm ok with the sea of acquaintances and VERY thankful for the gals on this thread.
Men's emotional vs social needs
Joe will call his brother and accept his father's calls.... sometimes. Has one friend from a job 3 years ago that he really hopes will come and visit, but do they chat on the phone? nope. Not even sure I serve that function for him, he's pretty self-contained
Lisa lovely setting! 11 acres just right. Fingers X'd. even tho' it's offered "as is" can an inspection alert you to structural, termite, roofing, wiring, plumbing issues? You are so on point about this thread. Love y'all right back.
Lanette, Neither do I get along with the Medicare and CMS search engines... but I'm stubborn
Medicare and removal of ruptured breast implants:Thank you. Her first choice (breast) surgeon would not even give her a consult appointment, but referred her to a plastic surgeon who accepted a 50% down payment and will take monthly payments for the rest, but that's only for his fee, not the surgery center nor anesthesiologist. The NIH link says Medicare coverage varies by state?!? but when I followed the link to Oregon got "sorry not found" Dug around a little more and found this from LCDId=346988
"2. Removal or revision of a breast implant is considered medically necessary when it is removed for one of the
following reasons:
a. Mechanical complication of breast prosthesis; including rupture or failed implant, and/or implant extrusion.
. . .
https://www.cms.gov/medicare-coverage-database/details/lcd-details.aspx?LCDId=34698&ver=23&SearchType=Advanced&CoverageSelection=Local&ArticleType=SAD|Ed&PolicyType=Both&s=-&AdvSearchName=8&KeyWord=plastic&KeyWordLookUp=Doc&KeyWordSearchType=Exact&kq=true&kq=343279627&ua=highwire&displayPDFNote=Y&bc=IAAAACABAAAA&
Don't understand why her surgeons told her Medicare would reject? She's had a breast MRI that confirms the impants are both ruptured. UNLESS neither surgeon is a Medicare Participating Provider who does not take assignment (can bill up to 115% of medicare approved amount) or has opted out from Medicare (can bill whatever). You'd think her insurance agent would explain this to her if that's the case. What an education! It all stinks to me, but I'll wait to discuss with the other class members Wednesday
Karen in Va, I think your BFF loss grief is worse than mine. (((hugs)))
Tracey in AB must have been so hard for you to call authorities when your bipolar friend was threatening herself.
Long story:I had an "adopted but not really" baby brother R who even wheeled my papa up the aisle when Joe and I married. I lost R for forty years after I hand delivered a letter to his shrink listing my fears that he had the means and intent to take his own life. He went ballistic, threatening me, even my Mama. Joe got us a lawyer and made it clear to R that he must never EVER come around again. 2 years ago R contacted me through FB, apologized and asked for forgiveness. Some months (and very pertinent sermons) later, I was able to. I have not asked Joe to forgive R, nor do I talk to R on the phone around Joe, but I'm thankful R is still alive and we have contact.Okie glad your landscape guy only takes several of days to work up an estimate, we've been waiting since MAY 15th for the roof repairers estimate.
Rye "Maybe we should have his best friend from work and wife over for dinner soon! . . . it could even be fun . . ." Brava!
Rita "Medicare paid for my impant removal" Thanks, that's VERY encouraging!
Heather Va va va VOOOM!
Oops, where DOES the time go?
Barbara, the Southern Oregon Coastie AHMOD.
60 g protein 8/10, meditate 9/10, walk one more step 9/10, knee exercises 9/10, 5/8 times walk Tumble, times SWSY 0/4, hang up or purge art 02 -
Good morning!
I was up early but my Grandkids were sleeping in so I took a nap. They are in the two guest rooms watching stuff on Netflix and YouTube. Today’s kids are so into electronics! But i am too.
I fixed bacon, waffles (frozen since they had their own preferences) Gabby wanted Vans Gluten-free and Zech wanted blueberry. Come to find out Gabby wanted Vans Gluten-free blueberry waffles! I don’t remember at 8 years old being so picky!!!
I also cut up bananas and a glass of milk for them too.
I’m going to take them swimming this afternoon at the YMCA. It’s just $5/each. I would sign them up but I’m not sure when they are going home. This will be good. I’m going to get in the pool too! I go and walk or lift weights but never in the pool. I’ll feel too fat but I love to swim. I used to be on swim team in school and at the beach or waterskiing all the time.
Heather What a nice picture of you two! Love it!! Enjoy yourself!!
Best Friends I have one best friend, Donna who lives in Idaho Falls, Idaho. We only see each other every other year or so but we text, email or call all the time. We met when I was 32 and she was 22. I met her at a club after my divorce and it turned out she was my neighbor! We both had small children so we hung out all the time. Well, now I’m 69, and after 37 years we are the bestest of friends and we are closer than my sister will ever be.
I think my DH relies on me to be his best friend, which I am but it’s a different dynamic. I have made friends with women at church but DH is quiet and doesn’t talk much.
Karen in VA Yes! It’s wonderful this group has great comradery! No judgements or criticism either.
Our dog Dolly is Coonhound mix but no Great Dane in her. She’s very lean and only 70lbs. We think she may have Foxhound too by the coloration. A lot of hunters cross breed Coonhound breeds together for different attributes. She does “bay” occasionally like a typical Coonhound but has a powerful bark too!
Have a great day y’all!
Dana in Arkansas
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KetoneKaren wrote: »Kelly young adults make many blunders before they decide what kind of person they want to be. I wish your young friend had taken the olive branch. I would have.
I know two women, friends from HS, with a story like yours. It took years for the straight friend to forgive the gay friend for being gay, but she finally did, at the gay friend's father's funeral. Unfortunately, they had only a few years to be friends again, because the straight friend has Alzheimer's, and doesn't even know her own husband anymore.
These two women are part of a group of 5 of us who were good friends in HS. There are a couple of others who have joined in since then, and at least 4 of the group gets together every 6 months for the last 35 years to spend a weekend together and catch up. I am the farthest away, so don't get to go as often. My former best friend is not part of that group, but she is friends with some of them, so it's complicated.
Fortunately, all of my friends exept my best friend were unimpressed with my revelation that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a woman, and are perplexed that my former best friend would sacrifice a wonderful friendship instead of figuring out a way to adjust.
I am grateful that most of my old buddies don't care one way or the other.
This group is interesting; gay & straight, conservative & liberal, all levels of education, working & retired, single & married, religious & atheist...I really don't know why we are such good friends, but we are...I really cherish my relationships with other women, including those on this thread.
My partner has her own group of women friends and a best friend from HS.
Then we have some mutual friends, men and women. Lots of friends for two introverted people!
When I was married (twice), both husbands had buddies they spent time with. I liked that. I thought that their friendships and interests which did not involve me made them more interesting people.
Karen in Virginia
Somestimes, being complete opposites can be the one thing you have in common. You just all have the gift of adapting, adjusting and a simple appreciation of each other. That's that's awesome!
Rebecca
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KetoneKaren wrote: »Rebecca. Have you tried the Epley maneuvers someone mentioned? It might help your vertigo resolve.
I do them twice a day. * insert thumbs up sign*
Rebecca1 -
Heather, Lovely picture of you two!!! I notice your dangily red earrings you had bought a couple months ago! Perfect pairing!
Rebecca1 -
LisaInNCNow wrote: »On the subject of best friends - just a question for y'all... after a little bit of explanation.
Both of the men I married were not, apparently, interested in making friends outside our marriage. The ex- and I had one "couple" friendship, and he got them in the divorce (long story short, he needed them more than I did). During our marriage, I was the one who kept that relationship going, but apparently he continues to visit them regularly since our divorce. I don't.
My current and final husband simply doesn't reach out for friendships. Lots of acquaintances, guys he works with that feel comfortable calling him, that kind of thing. He doesn't ever call, text or email them, but will take their calls.
I depend heavily on my best friend's advice, comfort, and just hearing her voice on the phone regularly. She does the same with me... when we've played phone tag for a couple days in a row, the messages start getting more urgent. There is no one like that in his life. He's also not terribly close with his family (12 brothers and sisters), though there have been a lot more calls to him of late, of course, due to their father's death. I'm not terribly close with mine either--I see one sister once or twice a year, and that's about it.
But in terms of emotional support, both men had one source, and that was me. Are all/most men like that? And in those with same-sex partners, do you find that you and your partner differ in that? I know a number of us are married to men who land somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum, as well, and interested to know whether they have any source to turn to outside their marriage.
Inquiring minds want to know!
Lisa in AR
My husband is the same as yours, no real friends. We don't even have any couple friends. He seems quite content just being my friend. I personally don't think this is very healthy, but it works for him. He is not very close to his family either. I talk to them more than he does. His Father and him haven't spoken in almost 2 years now and I fear that will never get resolved. He does speak to his Mother if I call her when he is around and hand him the phone. His sister and him don't talk either. I found this with a lot of my friends husbands as well, they seem to become hermits. I only have one friend whose husband is a social butterfly and she is the hermit.1 -
LisaInNCNow wrote: »On the subject of best friends - just a question for y'all... after a little bit of explanation.
But in terms of emotional support, both men had one source, and that was me. Are all/most men like that? And in those with same-sex partners, do you find that you and your partner differ in that? I know a number of us are married to men who land somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum, as well, and interested to know whether they have any source to turn to outside their marriage.
Inquiring minds want to know!
Lisa in AR
First, I probably land somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum.
Second, in terms of emotional support, both my husband and I have one source ... each other.
My family is scattered around the world, and my husband's family aren't close. Neither of us have anything remotely like close friends. Just each other.
In some ways, that has been all all right through this recent situation because it means I don't have to deal with amusing and entertaining other people. But on the other hand, occasionally, I'd like to be able to talk to someone.
Machka in Oz
I personally can't imagine doing what you are doing on my own without a circle of people around me. You are very strong in my eyes for being able to do it alone. I hope your husband continues to improve.2 -
It was a very difficult decision, but I was aware of the mental health act here in Alberta and knew that she needed help. I have known her since I was 13 she is 2 years older than me. We met when I was "dating" her younger brother, but truthfully I probably stayed close to the family for their Mother more than anything. I loved her like she was my own. She was truly one of my best friends. I had thought over the years that my friend was bi-polar, in high school there was an episode that made me think it the first time. Then a few years later there was another one that made me think it. After her mother was killed in a car accident I saw it, but we moved to Alberta shortly afterward so I wasn't seeing it as clearly as I should have. In 2005 there was another episode but again we lived in different cities. I took her phone calls every single day though and tried my best to help her through it but also tried to reach her children's ex to come get the kids. He didn't return my callsBFFs
Tracey in AB must have been so hard for you to call authorities when your bipolar friend was threatening herself.
. She then seemed to get turned around again, she earned a masters degree, and was doing very well. In 2016 she had another episode. She had me pick up all of her worldly possessions to store for her because she was leaving her bf and she didn't trust her children or Father to take care of her stuff without stealing from her. (This was in her mind, they wouldn't have) She asked if she could stay with us for a few days, I reluctantly agreed. I knew my husband wouldn't be able to tolerate it for long. So we agreed to 3 nights. On the 5th night I told her she had to leave. This is when she turned on me, she left a lot of stuff at our place that I wasn't even aware of, including all of her Mother's jewelry. She wrote all over facebook that we kicked her out on the street to be raped, she told everyone that I was in an abusive relationship, accused me of stealing her dead mother's jewelry. Threatened that she "knew People" and they would beat me to get her stuff back. That is when I called the police. I contacted her three children and Father and told them what I had done. I told them I was scared for her life, and they needed to tell the police the truth if they were called. We all agreed that we would never tell her who called the police. She ended up being hospitalized for over 2 months. Her reality is that I abandoned her in her time of need and that I never supported her. I let her believe this because I know I saved her life, and that I supported her in the only way I knew how. I haven't seen her since this happened. I have talked to her several times and she is doing well right now, staying on her medications and seeing her therapist. I only pray that she continues and that if she ever finds out it was me that she realizes it was only out of pure love.
6 -
Kind of new to this discuss, but not to MFP. My May saw a loss of 8 pounds. I have MFP set to one pound a week loss, so doing okay there. I’m reading Beck’s Diet Trap and am being reminded of so many reasons and strategies that I already know, but need to reinforce. The biggie so far is to not eat unplanned foods and if I really want them, put them in my plan for the next day. Also, I was reminded how proud of myself I can be if I do not self-sabotage.
My goal for June is to continue to focus on foods that I know are right for me, 5K steps most days, and to keep myself focused on why I want to lose weight.
Nice to meet y’all!6
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