Why Does Looking a Certain Way Matter?

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  • kelMee2
    kelMee2 Posts: 203 Member
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    For me it’s not about looking a certain way, it’s about being in control and getting back to the person I was when I met my husband. When we first met I was about 145lbs and I was confident and happy in my own skin, we’ve been together for 19 years and in that time I’ve been through 5 pregnancies one of which was our little girl who we lost halfway through the pregnancy, we’ve also been through 2 miscarriages and I’ve lost several members of my family including my mum which all led to comfort eating. Anytime I was stressed or upset I would eat and I lost all my confidence and wasn’t happy in my own skin at all. My weight spiralled out of control and when I started here on the 26th of February I weighed 204lbs and was ashamed of myself. Now fast forward a few months I’m 179lbs so still have a long way to go but my confidence is slowly coming back and I’m starting to feel like my old self again. I no longer comfort eat which was something that plagued me for years and thought I’d never overcome. I’m not looking to be skinny, I don’t want to look like a model I just want to be me and be healthy. I’ve never understood why people lose weight for the approval of others, if someone doesn’t love you for who you are they’re not worth your time. I always think weight loss should be something you do for yourself.
  • etguillemette
    etguillemette Posts: 16 Member
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    There may be something said about the intermingling of personality and appearance. People will make assumptions about you based on your appearance, but it's not always social conditioning or people being crappy. Our brains make shortcuts in spooky ways, and will unconciously group things together. Follow me down the rabbit hole...

    Studies have shown that people holding a warm beverage viewed others as being more warm and open, people holding a cold beverage viewed people as cold and distant, and people holding a thick clipboard viewed people as being more serious. When it comes to body type, what kind of a person do you picture when you hear about someone who is "bold" and "brash"? What about "meek" and "mild"? "Sly" and "shifty"? What about "slovenly" and "slothful"? Extra bit of weirdness, notice how words like "meek", "mild", "sly", "shifty" all have quick sharp vowel sounds, while words like "bold", "brash", "slovenly" and "slothful" have wider, rounder vowel sounds? And that I just used "sharp" and "round" to describe sound, and you knew exactly what I meant? Spooky.

    My point is that the words we use to describe ourselves also carry some visual connotations through some weird neurological voodoo, and that an uncomfortable dissonance can arise because of it. I spent most of my life being small and skinny, and I think my personality meshed nicely with that. I am generally quiet, careful, spare , unobtrusive, sharp, practical and efficient. It's like part of me built my personality around my body type, and when I started to get on the chubby side, my appearance felt incongruous with my personality. I don't think it's crazy when people say things like, "I want to be the person I was <number> years ago...", and I don't think it's just about appearance. Our personality and weight may not be directly related to each other, but our brains don't know that. Going from one body type to another can feel like you're crawling around in someone else's skin.

    tldr: Brains are weird and lazy.
  • kam26001
    kam26001 Posts: 2,799 Member
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    I'm just fascinated by the human body. It can be shaped and sculpted in ways one would've never imagined. Who are we really and what are we supposed to look like when the mind and spirit are immeasurable? This goes deep for me.
  • ChaelAZ
    ChaelAZ Posts: 2,240 Member
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    natty_or_not wrote: »
    ChaelAZ wrote: »
    nalce0v2g72p.jpg

    mhn9txpyygex.jpg

    • Who is better off?
    • Who has the better job?
    • Who would sell more clothes?
    • Who would be more respected?
    • Who is the better lover?
    • Who has the most opportunities in the world?
    • etc...

    Could be either one. There’s no telling just by outward appearances alone.

    Cool, yeah. That is what everyone is supposed to say. Just not the reality of it for most.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    Will_Workout_for_food wrote: »
    i dont want to look like anyone else, i want to look the best version of me as possible. im still at trial and error with myself. im still not completely happy with how i look, so i will push forward to try new things until i am completely happy. with it, comes confidence. just like wearing a shirt, i feel so lazy and sluggy when i wear a oversized t shirt, but when i wear a fitted/snug shirt, i instantly have a tougher stance.

    Okay, but question: How do you know what the best version of yourself is if you've never seen or experienced it? Sounds like an unattainable goal?

    Not criticizing, just very curious how other people think.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    Svanel wrote: »
    Humans are very visual creatures. Most peoples first perception is the physical aspects of another, i.e. looks, build, etc. etc. Many are drawn to another based solely off looks. That's the first impression we get. Until we take the time to know that person, we won't know if that beauty is skin deep or if it permeates to their core. There's so much media out there that markets certain looks that are deemed attractive, appropriate, strong, fit, etc. and there are a lot of people that try to achieve that mainstream. As humans, we all want to be accepted and wanted. So we try to fit in however we can. Damaging if taken to an extreme.

    Alright, but why do we as conscious thinking humans who are aware of this predicament let our minds be swayed by extremely unrealistic expectations that have little to do with boosting self-esteem or image? We all have the capacity to fight and rebel against the expectations set before us, so why do so many people capitulate to it instead thinking that it will make them happy when they know that's not the case deep down?
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
    edited June 2018
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    ChaelAZ wrote: »
    natty_or_not wrote: »
    ChaelAZ wrote: »
    nalce0v2g72p.jpg

    mhn9txpyygex.jpg

    • Who is better off?
    • Who has the better job?
    • Who would sell more clothes?
    • Who would be more respected?
    • Who is the better lover?
    • Who has the most opportunities in the world?
    • etc...

    Could be either one. There’s no telling just by outward appearances alone.

    Cool, yeah. That is what everyone is supposed to say. Just not the reality of it for most.

    This is kind of a weird example, i see what you are getting at. But the difference in race may add another layer to the puzzle. (wasnt sure if I should post this, dont want to start a whole discussion about race[ism])
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    caco_ethes wrote: »
    Because the media bombard us with what we should look like


    KeepRunningFatboy wrote: »
    Most all of us have been conditioned since birth. It absolutely completely surrounds us every single day in what we observe, hear about and think about. It has formed our beliefs of what is positive, healthy, attractive and preferred by society.

    But you as conscious, thinking people can choose to fight that conditioning. My question is why do most people not bother or seem to think that the unrealistic B.S. they know they're being fed on a day-to-day basis is something to strive for, even though logically, there is no way they can obtain something that doesn't exist or may not be possible for their body type without surgery or other more questionable means?

    I guess what I want to know is why would anyone want to be miserable trying to obtain an unrealistic standard that makes them look like just 'everyone else' than to be the best them they can be at present and strive for whatever things they can control? After all, you can never know what the best "you" can be if you've never seen it or experienced.. so how would you even know if you one day got there?
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    Because the media bombard us with what we should look like


    KeepRunningFatboy wrote: »
    Most all of us have been conditioned since birth. It absolutely completely surrounds us every single day in what we observe, hear about and think about. It has formed our beliefs of what is positive, healthy, attractive and preferred by society.

    But you as conscious, thinking people can choose to fight that conditioning. My question is why do most people not bother or seem to think that the unrealistic B.S. they know they're being fed on a day-to-day basis is something to strive for, even though logically, there is no way they can obtain something that doesn't exist or may not be possible for their body type without surgery or other more questionable means?

    I guess what I want to know is why would anyone want to be miserable trying to obtain an unrealistic standard that makes them look like just 'everyone else' than to be the best them they can be at present and strive for whatever things they can control? After all, you can never know what the best "you" can be if you've never seen it or experienced.. so how would you even know if you one day got there?

    There isnt really one answer, but I think alot of it has to do with loving and respecting yourself. There are many many ways thatcan be destroyed in someone.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    newmeadow wrote: »
    I know this is a fitness site where vanity and sexual attractiveness are the underlying theme in most discussions, especially in chit chat. In the other discussion rooms here, "health" or "getting healthy" are the mantras. But there is no denying that attractiveness concerns are the invisible hands that guide almost all body discussions on MFP.

    But since the question is Does Looking A Certain Way Matter, what immediately came to mind was a young woman who I saw on a TV talk show in the 90s who got shot in the face and survived. She basically got her whole face shot off. Her face was covered by a scarf as the viewing audience was warned it would be too disturbing to see what it actually looked like. They showed what she looked like before and she was a very beautiful young woman.

    I know this is an extreme example and has nothing to do with calorie counting, keto, or weight lifting. But there's no way around it. What we look like definitely matters in all areas of life. And anyone who denies this is a big fibber. But I think for most of us, it could be a lot worse than it is. So if we're fat or old or saggy or just plain ugly because we weren't blessed in the looks department - an attack or a disease or an accident could result in dramatic and permanent disfigurement. And we'd look back on what we thought were unattractive physical traits in ourselves and kick ourselves for not realizing how good we had it.

    ETA: It matters because what we look like determines who will pay attention to us, who will talk to us, who will hire us, who will help us, who will approve of us, who will include us or exclude us. We want love, companionship and the capacity to earn money. And we'll go to any lengths to make ourselves look like we deserve these things because it's looks that open the door to these things. Looks matter and that's a fact.

    I'm asking more from the standpoint of wanting to know why certain people look to achieve specific results without knowing whether or not those particular results are actually achievable in a safe and sane way.

    For example, a woman may be depressed because her breasts are not large enough and, after trying to pump them up without surgery after years and years of trying, decides to have a modest breast implant to boost her self-esteem. Now, per what I'm asking and my non-judgment pact with myself, my question is "why did the woman opt for surgery instead of doing anything and everything she might have been able to internally to be at peace with herself and how she looked despite not having the large cup size she wanted?

    That's really what I want to know. Why do so many people let their image of themselves define every aspect of their lives? Why not take a journey of self-exploration to find out why they feel this way?

    I guess.. why is self-love so hard for people regardless of how they perceive themselves? After all, most of us do not see others harsher than we see ourselves. But why are we all our own worst critics? Why do we let outside circumstances define that image we have of ourselves? It's like giving complete control of an aspect of your life to an unknown source.

    I am genuinely interested in answers.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    Mari22na wrote: »
    natty_or_not wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    Because the media bombard us with what we should look like

    The first time I read that, I thought you said ‘mafia’ not ‘media’ B);)

    The magazine cartel, posted up at every checkout aisle in the supermarkets :D

    Social media image crafting and perfecting. We're hardwired to compare ourselves against others. Jockey to get ahead. If looking at too many perfect insta accounts makes you feel low just quit looking at them. Don't compare yourself.

    But why are we hardwired to compare ourselves and everything? I've always wanted to know. Does anyone really have an answer to it? So many things in our lives that we could be competing over really don't matter. Your comment of Instagram accounts is a good example. Unless you make your money off of Instagram, why in the grand scheme of things would anyone want to be competitive over it or use it as comparison for what they're not? It's not beneficial, in other words.
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    Mari22na wrote: »
    natty_or_not wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    Because the media bombard us with what we should look like

    The first time I read that, I thought you said ‘mafia’ not ‘media’ B);)

    The magazine cartel, posted up at every checkout aisle in the supermarkets :D

    Social media image crafting and perfecting. We're hardwired to compare ourselves against others. Jockey to get ahead. If looking at too many perfect insta accounts makes you feel low just quit looking at them. Don't compare yourself.

    But why are we hardwired to compare ourselves and everything? I've always wanted to know. Does anyone really have an answer to it? So many things in our lives that we could be competing over really don't matter. Your comment of Instagram accounts is a good example. Unless you make your money off of Instagram, why in the grand scheme of things would anyone want to be competitive over it or use it as comparison for what they're not? It's not beneficial, in other words.

    Because appearance is where they get their "self worth"
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    etguillemette wrote: »
    There may be something said about the intermingling of personality and appearance. People will make assumptions about you based on your appearance, but it's not always social conditioning or people being crappy. Our brains make shortcuts in spooky ways, and will unconciously group things together. Follow me down the rabbit hole...

    Studies have shown that people holding a warm beverage viewed others as being more warm and open, people holding a cold beverage viewed people as cold and distant, and people holding a thick clipboard viewed people as being more serious. When it comes to body type, what kind of a person do you picture when you hear about someone who is "bold" and "brash"? What about "meek" and "mild"? "Sly" and "shifty"? What about "slovenly" and "slothful"? Extra bit of weirdness, notice how words like "meek", "mild", "sly", "shifty" all have quick sharp vowel sounds, while words like "bold", "brash", "slovenly" and "slothful" have wider, rounder vowel sounds? And that I just used "sharp" and "round" to describe sound, and you knew exactly what I meant? Spooky.

    My point is that the words we use to describe ourselves also carry some visual connotations through some weird neurological voodoo, and that an uncomfortable dissonance can arise because of it. I spent most of my life being small and skinny, and I think my personality meshed nicely with that. I am generally quiet, careful, spare , unobtrusive, sharp, practical and efficient. It's like part of me built my personality around my body type, and when I started to get on the chubby side, my appearance felt incongruous with my personality. I don't think it's crazy when people say things like, "I want to be the person I was <number> years ago...", and I don't think it's just about appearance. Our personality and weight may not be directly related to each other, but our brains don't know that. Going from one body type to another can feel like you're crawling around in someone else's skin.

    tldr: Brains are weird and lazy.

    Okay, so this is pretty interesting from my perspective. I have been overweight my entire life. There has never been a time I wasn't overweight. So for someone in my position, I have no "before I got fat" image of myself. I've also always dealt with the setbacks and disapproving judgment of people based on my appearance. Even when I was starving myself (unintentionally) and got down to 160, I was still kinda chubby looking.

    So for me, it's a complete disconnect to say "I want to be the person I was X number of years ago" because I honestly have no frame of reference for that. And given that, I have no fundamental understanding of hating yourself for "letting yourself go" because I've always been overweight. Not medically obese, but clinically overweight. There just came a time in my life recently where I realized I spent all of my 20s being obsessed by what other people thought of me, how terrible my body was compared my peers and how much self-hate I was instigating. Which, incidentally, was doing nothing for my clinical depression.

    So in this recent time span, I have decided to truly stop caring about what other people think (why should I let strangers dictate my life?), work on repairing that mental image I have of myself and being the best me I can be NOW regardless of my weight or outside appearance. After all, as others have mentioned, the changes aren't going to happen overnight, so why should I spend all that time being completely miserable? How is that beneficial to anyone? It's not.. and it's definitely not motivational enough (for me) to make a change.
  • sardelsa
    sardelsa Posts: 9,812 Member
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    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    Mari22na wrote: »
    natty_or_not wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    Because the media bombard us with what we should look like

    The first time I read that, I thought you said ‘mafia’ not ‘media’ B);)

    The magazine cartel, posted up at every checkout aisle in the supermarkets :D

    Social media image crafting and perfecting. We're hardwired to compare ourselves against others. Jockey to get ahead. If looking at too many perfect insta accounts makes you feel low just quit looking at them. Don't compare yourself.

    But why are we hardwired to compare ourselves and everything? I've always wanted to know. Does anyone really have an answer to it? So many things in our lives that we could be competing over really don't matter. Your comment of Instagram accounts is a good example. Unless you make your money off of Instagram, why in the grand scheme of things would anyone want to be competitive over it or use it as comparison for what they're not? It's not beneficial, in other words.

    As much as I try not to compare myself to others, the feelings do get the best of me. It is very strange too. I could see a top figure competitor be very inspired by them and not feel any feelings of jealousy or comparison, but then I see someone with beautiful hair and eyes and the "kind of look I wish I had" and it sends me into a sad downward spiral. Or people who are always on vacation and living luxurious lifestyles with beautiful houses and clothes. I don't chose or want to feel that way, and deep down I know it is not beneficial...but it seems to be in my nature to compare. I have this idea how I want to look and be presented to others and to myself. I think it stems from childhood.. being teased and being an ugly duckling pretty much my whole life.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    RoxieDawn wrote: »
    .

    But that doesn't mean that you know what the "best version of you" is. How can you know if you've never seen or experienced it before? Maybe the "best version of you" has absolutely nothing to do with your health or your fitness level.. or maybe it does? But how would you know if you've never experienced it?

    Inquiring minds want to know!
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »
    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    Because the media bombard us with what we should look like


    KeepRunningFatboy wrote: »
    Most all of us have been conditioned since birth. It absolutely completely surrounds us every single day in what we observe, hear about and think about. It has formed our beliefs of what is positive, healthy, attractive and preferred by society.

    But you as conscious, thinking people can choose to fight that conditioning. My question is why do most people not bother or seem to think that the unrealistic B.S. they know they're being fed on a day-to-day basis is something to strive for, even though logically, there is no way they can obtain something that doesn't exist or may not be possible for their body type without surgery or other more questionable means?

    I guess what I want to know is why would anyone want to be miserable trying to obtain an unrealistic standard that makes them look like just 'everyone else' than to be the best them they can be at present and strive for whatever things they can control? After all, you can never know what the best "you" can be if you've never seen it or experienced.. so how would you even know if you one day got there?

    There isnt really one answer, but I think alot of it has to do with loving and respecting yourself. There are many many ways thatcan be destroyed in someone.

    True, but why do people not work on that internal strife while they work on their external appearance (if that makes them happy)? I hear a lot of stories from people who did work on a lot of the external stuff and were still sidled with the same unhappiness insides that led to their transformations in the first place. IE. They addressed the physical health and dietary aspects of feeling better but not processing through the mental strife they had going on.

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