Ambushed with a "Friendtervention" Today
ssurvivor
Posts: 142 Member
So my friends cornered me to complain that they never see me because I'm always working out. The thing is that my workout schedule hasn't changed that much in two years. I switched yoga studios so, instead of taking three yoga classes and eight gym classes each week, I take 11 yoga classes and two gym classes + the Senior yoga class I teach. Time wise, it's basically the same schedule.
They had no problems two years ago. And when I started spending more time on my BF last year, they were completely supportive. But then, my steroid dose was lowered a few months ago and I lost a big chunk of my "steroid weight." And now they have a problem with the amount of time I spend at the gym/yoga studio.
I don't get it. Did they just not believe me two years ago and now only believe me because the weight came off? Maybe they just notice more because I'm constantly inviting them to take a class with me at my new studio (most of the time, they say no). I could use a bit of perspective here because I honestly can't understand why they're suddenly so "concerned."
They had no problems two years ago. And when I started spending more time on my BF last year, they were completely supportive. But then, my steroid dose was lowered a few months ago and I lost a big chunk of my "steroid weight." And now they have a problem with the amount of time I spend at the gym/yoga studio.
I don't get it. Did they just not believe me two years ago and now only believe me because the weight came off? Maybe they just notice more because I'm constantly inviting them to take a class with me at my new studio (most of the time, they say no). I could use a bit of perspective here because I honestly can't understand why they're suddenly so "concerned."
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Replies
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I think it sounds like a couple of issues: you changed drastically and don’t appear to be going back to how you were, and it sounds as though they’re jealous of your physical changes.
You have every right to put your health as your first priority. I would offer to see them once a week around my schedule. If they still have issues then it’s their problem.5 -
How much weight have you lost, in what time frame?1
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It sounds like you should talk to them and find out if it is a feeling of drifting apart in interests or not understanding your program or concern over a bigger weight loss combined with a lot of exercise or jealousy. It is hard to say what their issue is. You know them. What do you think? Is it loving concern or something else? Are they worth getting to the bottom of the matter or should you dump them and make new fitter friends?
It may be that you have simply become annoying if you are working out a lot, talking about working out a lot, inviting them to join you working out much more than you used to. The time you spend on it may not have changed but there may be a different perception of your relationship to them and your interests than there was 2 years ago.
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I think the weightloss is likely what's made them notice (although you have explained why you lost weight). I think there may be a bit of jealousy because many people struggle to commit to exercising 4 times a week. That being said, if one of my friends was working out 14 times a week, I would be concerned because it seems excessive from my point of view. It's interesting that it's taken 2 years for them to comment though. Have there been any other changes that may have meant you have less free time? Like a new job or anything. Or is there a change in your friends lives that mean finding a time to see people is difficult?
Maybe try swapping one workout on a weekend for an evening with friends. I assume they don't need to see you every single day, nor do I think you'll lose anything from going to 13 workouts instead of 14 so everyone should be happy? Friends and family are important and working out isn't worth losing them over
It's sounds to me like they're not being totally honest with you though. If the time you spent working out was really the whole issue, I think they would have said something before.6 -
Thanks for the feedback. During the intervention, I listened carefully to my friends and asked questions. There is something I'm missing and like @NadNight mentioned, they are withholding something from me.
Without going into too many details, I think that the time I spend on my BF is the real issue; but they don't want to say that he's the problem because they were more than supportive when I finally committed to him. In fact one of the arguments was that I didn't need to workout because I "already have a good BF."
What I heard was that the primary issue is that I'm no longer available all day everyday to them. I always make room for them, but I can't do everything they want me to do. One friend sees me as his connection to the outside world so he's always asking me to use my connections to help him with this or that. Two others like to drop by my house without notice and usually, I'm on my way out, on my way in or resting after a three-class day. When that happens, I'll suggest we get together on another day, but they end up either cancelling at the last minute, standing me up, or showing up so late that I make other plans.
The fourth is the only one who knew me before I got sick so she wasn't really into the intervention (the other three had her set it up) but, now that we're getting older, I can tell that she is worried about me "outshining" her (lately, all of her compliments about my appearance come with a dose of side eye - as if I purposefully tried to look better than her).
For the record, it may seem like my activity schedule is a bit obsessive, but I'm working on my CYT200 (yoga teacher training) and I'm careful to take two days/week off - even if there is a class I really want to take on the sixth day. Plus, because of my personal circumstances, it's sometimes easier for me to take two or three classes in a day. I don't do anything else most days so I think of my classes as my job.
Oh, and I've never been one to talk about working out all the time or try to push my lifestyle on others.2 -
TavistockToad wrote: »How much weight have you lost, in what time frame?
The MD lowered my steroid dose at the end of November and I've lost a bit more than 30 lbs since then.2 -
Thanks for the feedback. During the intervention, I listened carefully to my friends and asked questions. There is something I'm missing and like @NadNight mentioned, they are withholding something from me.
Without going into too many details, I think that the time I spend on my BF is the real issue; but they don't want to say that he's the problem because they were more than supportive when I finally committed to him. In fact one of the arguments was that I didn't need to workout because I "already have a good BF."
What I heard was that the primary issue is that I'm no longer available all day everyday to them. I always make room for them, but I can't do everything they want me to do. One friend sees me as his connection to the outside world so he's always asking me to use my connections to help him with this or that. Two others like to drop by my house without notice and usually, I'm on my way out, on my way in or resting after a three-class day. When that happens, I'll suggest we get together on another day, but they end up either cancelling at the last minute, standing me up, or showing up so late that I make other plans.
The fourth is the only one who knew me before I got sick so she wasn't really into the intervention (the other three had her set it up) but, now that we're getting older, I can tell that she is worried about me "outshining" her (lately, all of her compliments about my appearance come with a dose of side eye - as if I purposefully tried to look better than her).
For the record, it may seem like my activity schedule is a bit obsessive, but I'm working on my CYT200 (yoga teacher training) and I'm careful to take two days/week off - even if there is a class I really want to take on the sixth day. Plus, because of my personal circumstances, it's sometimes easier for me to take two or three classes in a day. I don't do anything else most days so I think of my classes as my job.
Oh, and I've never been one to talk about working out all the time or try to push my lifestyle on others.
wow, with friends like those.... :noway:7 -
OP, it's not reasonable for them to expect you to drop everything every time they feel like showing up. I think if I were you, I'd just keep doing what I was doing. I'd make times to be available to spend time with them, and they can take it or leave it. I personally believe a minimum of once a week is fair amount to spend time with friends and still nurture the friendship. More is great, but not always possible.2
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You are allowed to put yourself first!5
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Go your own way. How did this intervention language get in this? Them? Ignore the entire episode.
Look at all the negativity this has already generated. You’re better off at a yoga class.
One of the things I’ve enjoyed about getting older is I’m much less inclined to feel a need to explain or justify my actions to others.12 -
Also, OP, I think most friends (good ones) have a universal understanding that there are some things/times in life where friends have less time to give. I think your certification would be an example of this. It's like if someone has tons of exams, they have less time to give to much else, and most friends are capable of being patient and understanding about this. Another example would be if a friend has a newborn baby. As long as a reasonable effort is made, because nurturing our friendships is important, then it is what it is. Also, these people may just need to gain some maturity, perhaps? Or you may even find yourself drifting apart from these friendships in time, and that is also fine.1
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11 classes in one week? Yikes. I agree with them you’re always at the gym!6
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This is a humble-brag, then? My friends like me so much they complain about not seeing me?
I always look out for myself first, so do most people. You have given them invitations to your new interests and they are not interested. How is that an "intervention"? Are you obsessing?
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To me, I don't think you are taking too many classes. As long as your body can handle it, gym/yoga it up! It is unrealistic for them to think they can just drop in whenever they want and expect you to make time for them. I find that to be disrespectful. Those 2 friends seem to think their time is more valuable than yours. I agree with what a previous poster said that perhaps they need to mature. People grow and change and sometimes friends get lost as priorities shift. I say just do what is best for you and if they are truly your friends, they will understand that. If not, then bye Felicia.3
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How old are you? I only ask because this sounds like an issue I experienced in my early 20's transitioning from a flexible/non-traditional schedule to working a 9-5 career that required more of my time/energy. My friends that were not in the same place in their life had a really hard time accepting that I simply wasn't able to drop everyhing to get drinks on a Tuesday night. Honestly, many of those friendships faded because a few people became so frustrated with me that I was "missing everything". Lasting adult friendships should understand that as we get older we have more responsibilities and life-goals that deserve our attention, the friendships that lasted for me were the ones where we can cheer each other on for our achievements, even if that means only getting to see each other every few weeks or months. I personally would be overwhelmed with 14 classes a week, but if it's working for you, and is moving you towards the cert you are looking for then you're probably doing just fine.5
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pinksunnyrose wrote: »11 classes in one week? Yikes. I agree with them you’re always at the gym!
It used to be 11 classes. Now it's 14, including the one she teaches. So, on that front - never mind the other stuff, because that does sound douchey - I can more or less see where her friends are coming from.7 -
do these friends train? maybe they want to attend your yoga class.0
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Simple, if friends then they should act as such5
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Maybe they are tired of being invited to your yoga classes. It would be annoying to constantly be invited to yoga (or church or checkers or waterskiing or anything else that was my friend's specific interest rather than a mutual interest.)4
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Friends can help us see when we're out of balance - extreme in behavior or activities. Your career is tied to your training so the lines are blurred. But no one should be a one note singer - we can be active doing other things outside of the gym/studio. Maybe you should consider friends who share your passion for working out and activities beyond working out for those friends who love you but not yoga.6
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I'm curious--you have friends who have felt comfortable dropping in to visit. Was that always the case? If so, what interferes with spending time with them at your home? If you are just relaxing after a three-class day, can't you relax with them? I understand if they are trying to get you to go out without notice. But that didn't seem to be part of the explanation.
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@lantana411 Where have you been
, I love friends but not yoga. 0 -
cmriverside wrote: »This is a humble-brag, then? My friends like me so much they complain about not seeing me?
I always look out for myself first, so do most people. You have given them invitations to your new interests and they are not interested. How is that an "intervention"? Are you obsessing?
I didn't "woo" you, but WHAT?????? I realize that three paragraphs can be hard to read - especially if you are using the app - but there was nothing braggadocios about my post .
To be clear, a summary of my post: I started working out full time two years ago and a year ago I started spending time on my BF. No one had an issue with my schedule until I started losing weight that I would have lost anyway (even if I only watched TV all day).
And I guess my use of the word "ambush" in the title didn't clarify that the intervention was the typical type.2 -
pinksunnyrose wrote: »11 classes in one week? Yikes. I agree with them you’re always at the gym!
It used to be 11 classes. Now it's 14, including the one she teaches. So, on that front - never mind the other stuff, because that does sound douchey - I can more or less see where her friends are coming from.
Wow. "douchey? That's kind of mean even if you didn't read my subsequent post explaining that (1) it's only 4-5 days/week and (2) the most convenient schedule for my situation.1 -
I thought beating cancer would give me a reason to be less of a people-pleaser, but I still want the people around me to feel comfortable. My main issue with this thing is their timing. Like...what took them so long? If their motives were honorable, then I should definitely look inward, but if not, it might be time to move on.One of the things I’ve enjoyed about getting older is I’m much less inclined to feel a need to explain or justify my actions to others.
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OP, it is a tricky thing..i've heard of interventions.. but only when friends think the subject of the intervention is risking thier health... alcohol ..drugs...and maybe they think you're dangerously thin? not like an eating disorder..but an over working out disorde?
What is your height and weight? Where are you on the BMI chart?
Answer those questions...if you are not underweight...your friends are out of line, trying to control your life choices. That;s not fair and you may just have to move on in life.
If you are underweight. you've got some great friends who care about you.1 -
I just read this entire thread. I can’t believe MFP folks deciding the specific number of classes you should be in. Maybe they don’t understand yoga.
It’s not like banging out an hr of HIIT.
It’s all your own business.6 -
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My good friends are my good friends whether I have time to spend with them or not. Many I don't see for months on end because we all lead full, busy lives. We keep up with each other on social media.
I would lmao if they ever staged an intervention for me.4 -
lantana411 wrote: »Friends can help us see when we're out of balance - extreme in behavior or activities. Your career is tied to your training so the lines are blurred. But no one should be a one note singer - we can be active doing other things outside of the gym/studio. Maybe you should consider friends who share your passion for working out and activities beyond working out for those friends who love you but not yoga.
Very good post! I do a bunch of other things that don't necessarily appeal to this set of friends. The five of us currently have lunch once a month with another woman (usually at a restaurant but sometimes at whoever-wants-to-show-off-a-recent-renovation's house).
* I've invited them to fundraisers, sporting events, etc. They never have to pay.
* My yoga studio seems to have a "bring a friend" promo with every "holiday" (including Valentine's Day) and I've invited everyone only once, except "Friend 2" who kept saying "I'll catch it next time" until I stopped asking her.
* I ask them to go to my Senior Yoga class mostly for moral support.
* I'm too old to be in the club every night and too young for the 45+mixers.1
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